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Saving a Marriage/No Divorce

Updated on September 24, 2015

Families Departing

The Truth of Divorce

Just The Facts -50% of marriages end in divorce in America.

The ripple effects are well known. Financial ruin, lack of visitation for parents, psychological trauma, trouble making sure children do not experience lower self-esteem or other issues, and the difficulty of both partners to put their life back in order. While the therapist offices, local bars, churches, single wild life, and other vices to recovery from the devastating effects one can only wonder could you have saved the relationship? The question is posed, did you really give it your all? Did you know how to have a healthy relationship, choose a good partner, and do you part to contribute to the success of the marriage? This is an internal question one must ask and analyze before the process of healing to occur. While there is no such thing as the ideal wife or the ideal husband-Could the relationship have worked if both parties were willing to dedicate themselves to making things better?

Desire For Change

If you keep doing what you’re doing you will continue to get what you get. That’s not true of just marriage and relationships-but it’s a true principle in life. So here are the questions that may dance around in your head after the divorce or while you are in this desolate place in your marriage without direction of where to go from here:

  1. How can we get back to where we once were?
  2. How can I get that spark back in my marriage or relationship?
  3. Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?
  4. What can I give or do to make my spouse know that I care?
  5. Can I be vulnerable enough with my partner to share my feelings without anger or coldness?
  6. What am I willing to do in order to make this work?
  7. What will it take to stay here and rebuild this house (unit)?

Baseball Analogy - When you are up to bat and you have two strikes, you swing at everything! So when your relationship is in the dirt you try everything to bring your partnership to a better place.

Why is it in relationships, as adults, we become too strong to say how we feel? Why is it that as children we are okay expressing how we feel however when we become adults we hide so much from one another? Why can’t people get psychological help, guidance from happily married couples, or study what went right/wrong in our parents’ marriages so a better path could be followed?

"I was wrong."

"I hurt you."

"I miss you."

"I want you."

"I need you."

"I am committed to making this work."

"I’m sorry."

"I love you."

Family

The Questions

So what happens when we become vulnerable enough to ask the questions needed to sustain a marriage? Knowledge and wisdom is gained even if the marriage fails at least you tried your hardest so you never live in regret wondering what could have been done differently. So while there are thousands of advertisements there are fewer courses and information on how to save your marriage. Then you here wonderful true stories of those who have been married 10-20-30-40-50 years and you often witness compassion, understanding, giving, and understanding amongst both parties that it beautiful to witness.

Married People -A Question

Did You Give 100% Of Yourself To Your Marriage

See results

Excited To Keep Your Marriage Together

3 Things To Keep A Marriage Together

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    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      2 years ago

      "If you keep doing what you’re doing you will continue to get what you get. That’s not true of just marriage and relationships-but it’s a true principle in life." - Excellent point!

      Personally speaking I believe there are three major causes of divorce.

      1. Choosing the wrong mate!

      2. Got married for the wrong reasons.

      3. They stopped wanting the same things and evolved in different directions.

      Human beings make mistakes! (This also includes dating and mate selection). And yet so many people believe all marriages can be saved.

      The truth is if you chose someone who does not have your same values, doesn't want what you want, or doesn't agree on how to obtain those things, mistreats you and so on.... You married the wrong person!

      A divorce is a public admission that a mistake was made in the mate selection process! Couples "in love" and happy don't divorce.

      Lots of folks get committed during the "infatuation phase" of a new relationship while not having revealed their "authentic selves". Sometimes people get married in their late teens or early 20s without having figured out (who they are) let alone what they want and need in a mate for life! They allow "impulsive connections" and "happenstance" to dictate their relationship choices. People often say marriage is hard work.

      In reality finding the "right person" is the real hard work!

      Another major reason for divorce is people may have an "age goal" to be married by, all of their friends were married, an unplanned pregnancy, someone in the military was about to be deployed, just got tired of being single, or someone gave the other an "ultimatum".

      A marriage based on circumstances rather than love is likely to fail.

      Lastly everyone of us evolves and change over time. What made for an ideal mate at age 25 may not be what you want at 35 or 40. Communication is the GPS for marriage. You're either "growing together" or "growing apart". There is no "neutral".

      Once you realize you're on different paths or no longer want the same things there is no point is wasting years being unhappy. Imagine talking about having children when you first got married and later for whatever reason your mate changes their mind. Sure you could invest time and energy trying to "change" someone but that will usually lead to frustration on your part and resentment on the part of your mate.

      There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships: We either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have. Accept them as (is) or move on.

      Note: In the U.S. (women) initiate 66% or 2/3rds of all divorce filings. Some people speculate better career opportunities and higher wages for women is the major difference from today versus the 1950s era.

      The more options one has the less crap they will put up with! :)

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