- Gender and Relationships»
- Separation & Divorce
The day did not start off like a beautiful novel, where the sun was shining high in a dark blue sky, as the birds frolicked around. Instead, the gloom and despair that hung over my head, was nothing less than a roller-coaster ride full of emotions, heart break and pure anger. Today, I decided I was leaving my husband after 30 years together. Today, would be the day I found a spine, or would remain in a home where communication and honesty was found to be the broken foundation of my life.
One would think my husband, who proclaimed he loved me unconditionally, would not find reasons to go hunting, as I packed my belongings to leave. Of course I did not in anyway, expect him to help me move out, yet in my next deep breathing ritual, nor did I expect him to just walk out the door with a lost puppy dog look on his face. I thought surely, he would stay and fight for me. For us. Why? Why must I do this to myself?
This 30 year lifetime relationship of mine has some good times. That goes without question, or doubt. However, it is hard to not think of the things that did go wrong, in which I allowed to continue, by staying. Mental, physical, emotional, sexual and verbal abuse, was indeed part of this perfect sanctuary between my husband, and I.
A sanctuary, indeed, is full of raging sarcasm. Some of that is pointed at him, while the rest, lousily upon thy own head. How I could have waited all this time before I decided I deserved and wanted so much more? To keep peace and silence, to bow and ignore, would be the way to explain it. The truth of the matter, as my marriage vows were continuously spoken about by my husband, paraphrasing them to me as a preacher would do in a hell and brimstone church concerning rock music, he would be standing their threatening me, if I did not comply to his needs. To keep my big mouth shut, to avoid conflict. How dare me!!
Now here I stand, with silence all around me, while the dirt road dust settles from the F150's departure, and all I can feel are the tears streaming down my face. I cannot believe my husband, who proclaims to love and need me in his life, who can't live without me, just rolled off into the dusty sunrise, to go play with his rifle in the woods. What a crude reality I am now facing : I live in an abusive marriage.
Thinking abuse through as I slowly begin packing my boxes, it dawns on me that you don't have to be bloodied, to be a victim of abuse. The tears continue to fall down my face, as I make a sound decision this must end. It is now time to go.
This is my story. This is only the beginning, as I have since moved out, yet the abuse continues. I need a portal where I can unload and let this flow, or surely I will return home due to financial woes. God forbid!