Serious Things NOT To Do at Weddings and Receptions and “Be Somebody”
Mama, this one's for you
My blessed mother, rest her soul, had a perfect phrase to say to me when those “rare” times came when “I” needed scolding. I can hear her say, “Kenny, stop that this instant and try to ‘be somebody!” It worked. You know why? I was occupied for the rest of the day trying to understand what the term “be somebody,” really meant.
Mothers are very wise. And FYI, and even today, Oct. 27, 2014, I have yet to fully-grasp what my mother meant by this scholarly-punishment. I have checked many books and read many behavioral experts’ papers over the years, but not a peep on “be somebody.”
On with the show. Everyone loves a good wedding and equally-good wedding reception. Don’t you? In my 60 years, I have been to four weddings and receptions and they were mostly-tame. Thank God. For at the time of these blessed events, I had long given-up booze and the fine art of making a jackass of myself in front of a big crowd.
One troublemaker can ruin any wedding or reception
But this piece is directed at those people in our world who HAVE NOT given-up slugging and funneling booze and doing things that make my crowd-pleasing jackass shenanigans look like I was reading a children’s book to eager three-year-olds.
Somehow, these people prey on wedding receptions when they could show-out (another term used by my mother) at any nearby bar and that wouldn’t be as frowned upon as their stupid antics would be among the civil guests at a wedding reception. Do not ask me to analyze the “Reception Crashers,” for I am not a psychiatrist. I will just assume that making fools of themselves in something in their DNA or chromosomes.
And I hope that “this” group of “good-timing” people with good hearts will read this, my list of things to NEVER do at a friend or relative’s wedding reception.
Starting with the men
Best Man: Please do not drink all day of the wedding then pass out on the bride when standing with her and the groom ready for the minister to do the ceremony.
Men: Do not do animal impressions by running your index finger through your pant’s zipper and say, “Look! A poisonous snake! Take cover!” This foolish stunt will get a few laughs, but one of your equally-drunk friends will surely yell, “Yeah, but it’s NOT that big!”
Men: Do not start making serious come on moves to the bridesmaids for guess what? They just might have husbands or boyfriends and you sure don’t want a beating, something people will recall and laugh at you for years to come, do you?
Men: Do not drink so much that you might be rushed to the emergency room with alcohol poisoning.
Men: Do not jerk off your clothes and invite the pretty bride to dance with the nude groomsman. She will cover her mouth to laugh. And her now-husband will kick your butt for doing this asinine stunt.
Men: Do not challenge your buddies to a “Hot wing-Wedding Cake-Beer Chugging Contest.” With one of these events with drunken participants, the eventual end-result will be two things: upchucking on each other and passing out. But what a great video opportunity for some laughs later on.
And now, for the ladies
Matron of Honor: Do not flirt with the minister minutes before the wedding ceremony or when he says, “I now pronounce “Margie” and “Dirk,” man and wife.
Bridesmaid one: Do not wink uncontrollably at the first groomsman since the Best Man is too drunk to respond.
Bridesmaid two: Do not whisper hot, sexual-related phrases to the groom while the wedding ceremony is going on.
Bridesmaid three: Do not glare at some loser guy sitting in the fourth row near you and when he faints, be real girly and say, “Oh my word! Someone get a doctor for that poor man.”
Bridesmaid four: Do not start doing a professional strip-tease just as the minister starts the ceremony.
Bridesmaid five: If you have a bad case of the “munchies,” (and we know why), do not eat noisy pork skins during the wedding ceremony.
Now for the rest of the cast
Organ or Piano player: Do not play “Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road,” instead of what the bridal couple chose for you to play.
Bass player: Do not doze-off for staying up all night playing poker with the groom and “fleecing” him of all of his cash.
Drum player: Do not have earphones and be listening to some R-rated live concert by Richard Pryor and then burst-out laughing so hard that you roll into the floor.
Registry keeper: Please stay dressed in your bridal dress and not sneak into the ladies’ room to change into your short-shorts and tank top.
Head usher: Do not start a betting pool and take bets from everyone to see if the groom backs out of the marriage or not.
Usher one: Do not lose focus and let people just walk on by you as you daydream about the night you have planned at the Nickel Back Reunion Concert.
Usher two: You should have seen a doctor about that bad case of gasterononitis.
Assistant minister: Wake up! You never know when the lead-minister may screw things up for being out of practice in conducting a marriage ceremony.