ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel
  • »
  • Gender and Relationships»
  • Relationship Problems & Advice

How Narcissistic Women Screw Men with Sex and Control

Updated on December 31, 2010

Abuse and women are not usually considered as one and the same. But, many men are victims of sexually abusive women. Some men are physically assaulted, while others are victims of mental abuse.

Sex and healthy relationships are synonymous. However, if you're involved with an emotionally narcissistic woman, most likely the sex is just for her own self-esteem and well-being.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is described as a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. This type of person is usually self-centered, egotistical, smug and fascinated with oneself. The narcissist has been described as turning inward for gratification rather than depending on others, and as being excessively preoccupied with issues of personal power and prestige. Narcissistic personality disorder is, usually, someone who is considered to be self-centered.

Narcissistic Behaviors

Basically narcissistic women possess three types of sexual behavior: (1) hyper-sexuality, (2) hot and cold, or (3) frigidity. Often, the same woman can alternate between all three of these behaviors.

5 Elements of Loving Relationships

Love and a fulfilling sex life consist of five elements: Vulnerability, Trust, Intimacy, Empathy, and Respect (or lack of).

Vulnerability requires someone to take a risk and expose their true self. NPD women find it impossible to be vulnerable because she's invested most of her life developing an elaborate and rigid exterior, and any damages are kept within herself.

Trust is what most of us have in a relationship. You trust that your partner will accept you, and not deliberately hurt you. But, a narcissistic woman trusts no one. She believes everyone is out for themselves and is trying to 'get one over' on her. She's out for herself, and will endeavor to justify her thoughts by 'getting one over' on you.

Intimacy in a relationship should be about and include sharing, and being physically and emotionally close.

Empathy requires the couple to be in sync with each other, and be able to experience or understand what each other needs and wants.

Respect is not given by a narcissistic woman. This woman treats her husband or boyfriend as objects or possessions. She does not consider that his feelings or needs are nearly as important as hers. In other words, she does not respect you.

Empathy is not a quality found in an emotionally abusive woman. She cares nothing about anyone's viewpoint, except than her own. She refuses to feel vulnerable, and cannot or will not tolerate emotional or psychological intimacy. However, she can tolerate some physical intimacy, as long as it does not require respect. She might engage in hyper-sexuality or avoid sex altogether.

Intimacy means sharing good qualities, as well as exposing faults and insecurities. Intimacy is not something this type of woman will never do. She will constantly push your buttons in order to keep her vulnerabilities from being exposured. And, you wind up feeling unsafe and guarded.

Why would this woman be in a relationship, if she does not trust, respect, or love you?

You are her normalcy prop. Involvement in a committed relationship or marriage provides her a “normal” appearance in the eyes of others. And, your role is to maintain her false self. For instance, “Look everyone. This man wants me, there's nothing wrong with me, and I'm normal.”

Narcissistic women cannot exist without attention. Good or bad attention; it doesn't matter. She 'likes' the idea of having a relationship, but the reality frustrates and disappoints her because you're not 'perfect' or 'good enough' for her. Many times, she will resent you, and the abuse and rage begin.

She'll play the role of a martyr to the hilt. She'll profess her love for you one moment, and cut you to shreds and shut you out of her life the next. A satisfying emotional and physical connection cannot survive with someone who does not like you, and views you as a disappointment.

It's all about control and boosting her ego.

To narcissistic women, sex is not about expressing love, lust, intimacy, passion or mutual pleasure. Narcissistic women use sex as a way to lure you into the relationship. Once she is confident that she's hooked you, sex becomes one of the tools to control you. She may lavish you with sex, or withhold sex from you.

Insatiable Sexual Performance

Sex begins with a “bang!” It will be intense and exciting – but, deceiving. The sex is a symptom of the severity of her course of action. What will seem like intense passion to you, is only her intense need to control and dominate you into submission. It's all about controlling you, not pleasing you.

The Lure

A narcissistic women will lure you into a relationship with unspoken promises of passionate sex. But, the conditions of fulfilling this promise is only if you 'prove' yourself and if she 'feels' she can trust you. A psychopathic swindler promises something they have no intention of providing. But, a narcissistic woman uses seductive ploys and promises unclearly stated.

The passionate sex never materializes, and you will be required to continue proving that you are worthy of her. Nothing is ever enough for this type of woman. You'll never be 'nice' enough, 'do' enough, or be able meet any of her changing rules. And, she'll never be required to 'reward' you with sex. Sex is an obligation or favor to narcissistic women, and sex becomes infrequent and a reluctant chore.

Transactional Relationship

The relationship is more like a contract. She will require you 'give' something in order to 'get' something from her. For instance, if you want to have sex, then you will have to provide her with something she wants, or behave however she needs you to appear.

A narcissistic woman always has an agenda, and does not do anything without a reason. It's a transaction, like, 'you owe me because I let you have sex with me. I did my duty, so now you will pay me in return by giving me whatever I want.'

Many men are grateful for just a bit of affection, they learn to ignore the mechanical or disinterested way their partner responds to sex. You are either an object, a human vibrator, or something to make her feel like she's still got it.

Shame and Sex

Sometimes, this type of woman increases her control by combining sex with shame. She may label you as being 'sick' or 'abnormal' for wanting sex. You may hear statements like, 'you're a pervert,' 'all you want is sex,' or 'you're a sex addict.' Shaming you for natural desires is abusive and hurtful.

The narcissistic woman has sex only when she wants it, and many times this is after she beats you down, and you no longer have an interest in being near her. If you tell her you're not in the mood, she will accuse you of infidelity, or of not loving her, and on and on.

Sex is only about what she needs at the moment. It has nothing to do with your needs. You are nothing more than an object who exists to service her whims and insecurities.

Screwed, but not enjoyed.

Narcissistic women, usually, are not good lovers. No doubt, she may have mastered many sexual techniques, but sex is an act of true intimacy. If you see sex as an expression of love, playfulness, desire and tenderness, sex with a narcissistic woman will never be enough.

Do you think your relationship is okay because the sex is great (that is, when you're lucky enough to get laid)? Think again! Is the sex really that great, or is it preventing you the ability to recognize your abuse?


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • profile image

      Robert 2 years ago

      The only good thing they do is sex but use it as a weapon,but time is on our side. My ex looks like a mummy after she got in menopause and for them thats hell. They are mean and i dont feel sorry for any one of them.

      Get out as fast as you can

    • profile image

      Ivori 3 years ago

      The key word in your comment is "ex." That shows you are a winner and a survivor -- now, just take the time to heal. Thank you for your comment.

    • profile image

      Screwed 3 years ago

      This was like reading a blow by blow account of my relationship with my ex! Thank you for clarifying so much!

    • ivori profile image

      Barbara Eisenberg 4 years ago from Titusville

      Skippy - Unfortunately, it seems that people we love can hurt us unbelievably. Lives can be, not only altered, but ruined. As detrimental as physical wounds can be, outwardly those wounds heal. Mental wounds are not easily healed. I once read that 'healing' is not denying the damage that was done, 'healing' is living beyond the harm that happened. Unfortunately, many people believe they must be what or how they are being accused - however, that is not always the case, especially when dealing with a narcissistic personality. I'm glad you're on a healthier road!

    • profile image

      Skippy 4 years ago

      Wow - you know, reading this helped me a lot, and explained a relationship that I was in years ago that really affected me (not in a positive way). I was engaged to a woman that, when the relationship started off, seemed to be really into me (so, the "hot" mentioned above). Then, slowly, she started pointing out all of the things wrong with me that I needed to fix. Now, I don't believe that just pointing out something to someone makes you a narcissist, but her criticisms covered every aspect of my being - my personality, physical appearance, dress, sense of humor, beliefs - none were acceptable. For the last seven years since that ended, every time I've looked in the mirror I've seen the things that she pointed out, and hated the person staring back at me. Only recently have I started to put that behind me and move on.

      And totally agree with the points raised above by some of the ladies - it can totally happen to either gender, and your viewpoint is completely valid. I've known guys that are like this, and they've messed up plenty of women. I never really thought about it much until it happened to me, though (shame on me for not being more truly is a horrible experience).

    • profile image

      sameasu 4 years ago

      I think this sounds like my wife. See responds the same way to sex as mentioned. She treats it like chore. I have went 2 months without even asking for it or trying anything. If I turn her down when she wants it how will she respond? How does a woman with this type of personality respond if they think you are not interested in sex anymore? Thanks

    • ivori profile image

      Barbara Eisenberg 5 years ago from Titusville

      Aaron - time will heal but the memories will not be forgotten. Although there are/were a lot of good times, but your future will be so much brighter. And, your 11 year old daughter could have been her next victim. I'm glad you opened the door to a whole new life - sometimes being "with" someone can be worse than being "alone." Good luck, Aaron, and thanks for your comments.

    • profile image

      Aaron 5 years ago

      I was with a woman for about 4years in the beginning it was great lots of sex and she seemed in tune with me,then after the first year that all changed she would control me by doing what she wanted late nites out lying who and where she was at then when confronted she would turn it back on me make me think I was insecure or I was the one with the problem! I would send a Tex or try to call when she was at girls nite out this would be 1-2 in the morning I was mainly concerned she wouldn't drive drunk which she normally did and phone would be off or she would say she didn't have her phone on her regardless of what she was doing it was about control I'm going to do what I want even if it makes you worry or if it hurts you that's what she fed off of the hurt and it did hurt I think she wanted me to wonder what she was doing and by having her phone off or simply not responding made her feel empowered and in control! Then the constant break ups and at times she would be with someone else imediatley then find her way back in a month or two that roller coaster was always my blame! Then towards the end it got physical she attacked me choked me, hit and bit my nose for stating her 23year old son had little drive with a business I helped him start it was just in conversation amongst friends but it made her look bad in her eyes the altercation happened when we got home? Her ex husband warned me and her daughter hardly ever comes around now I know why! She recently kicked me out because of interest in someone else that's younger I guess that feeds her ego,! She has a lot of people fooled in the community and I even went as far as warning the new guy what he was getting involved with but he didn't listen I guess the sex she's giving has him blind just as it had me blind in the beginning! With her being attractive it makes this worse she can use het looks to easily deceive and manipulate the many men in her life it's unfair that these robots can go through life behaving this way, it's very destructive to others involved it's been 2 months since I've been away I'm still healing, but I realize my life and my 11year old daughter who witnessed the physical abuse that nite, we will be better off! I could say so much more!

    • profile image

      Klincko 5 years ago

      So true my friend,thanx for the realism.

    • profile image

      Dre 5 years ago

      Wow... Sounds like a woman I know!

    • profile image

      ivori 5 years ago

      D jones, it's unbelievable how narcissistic people affect, and, sometimes, destroy the lives of everyone around them. Glad my article explained (or helped) the happenings in your life.

    • profile image

      ~D jones~ 5 years ago

      I was in a 5 year relationship ...I thought it would get better It didn't we shared a cell phone account. She made me upset and I wouldn't take any calls

      She cut the phone off, proceeded to have a nasty attitude moved away to another city and didn't even bother to tell me then was pissed when I told her how I felt...thank you for this I know why it could never be with us..

    • ivori profile image

      Barbara Eisenberg 5 years ago from Titusville

      Hi Sallytwo - You are so right that this is not just related to females; men are also the culprits. However, I wrote this because I have a friend who endures treatment like this from his wife. However, I've also been affected by this treatment from a man, and yes, divorce was the key to my freedom and happiness. Good luck and thanks for your comment!

    • profile image

      sallytwo 5 years ago

      Hey, I completely related to this article....except that I'm a woman who was married to a man of this nature. It was dehumanizing, made me feel like I was the crazy one, led to depression and other issues on my part until I finally saw the light and got divorced. Hallelujah!! My life has improved dramatically, sexually and in all other aspects.

      So just to point out, it's not just a man problem....women experience the same thing with some men. And it's a lot harder to come to grips with as the stereotype is that women are like this. So lets acknowledge it together!!!

      Thanks for "listening". This is the first time I've been able to publicly acknowledge it myself.

    • profile image

      Robert 6 years ago

      Its incredible, its like reading the biography of the women that has destroy me in 6 yrs.thank you for your artcle things like this open my eyes and never marry would not bealive how exactly she is to evrything you said

      Thank you a lot will get rid of her asp

    • profile image

      david a 6 years ago

      Here is a video of my experience with spousal abuse and parental alienation. I was married to someone who I knew had a high-conflict personality, but I was completely blindsided by what happened during our divorce. I hope others will learn from my experience and will take measures to protect their children before it's too late. Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks.

      Warning, strong language.

    • profile image

      sexlessalso 8 years ago

      I think it's basically the control issue. I don't understand why it is such a fascinating habit with her that it blocks out our enjoyable past and preempts much of our future.

    • ivori profile image

      Barbara Eisenberg 8 years ago from Titusville

      I worked with a narcissistic woman for several years. She loved to brag about what she did to him. And, this guy was a kind, loving husband; all around great guy. She had to be 'center-stage' or there was hell to pay! Thanks for your comment, sexlessalso.

    • profile image

      sexlessalso 8 years ago

      OMG. You have hit the nail on the head and driven it in with one blow! This describes my wife to a T. Our 'conversations' are mostly about her telling her accomplishments at work and her value to the office. Her hobby is knitting--with nary a dropped nor uneven stitch. She avoids talking about our sex life--or rather the possibility of one at this point in our life. The first decades of our marriage sex was spontaneous, adventurous, opportunistic as well as patiently savored, and un-selfconscious. Oh for a return to those days. They are an almost unbelievable memory.

      Thanks for your hubs on this subject. I am intrigued by the prospect of a 'seniors orgy'. Meanwhile, naturism seems healthy. You are blessed. Keep hubbing.

    • creativeone59 profile image

      benny Faye Douglass 8 years ago from Gold Canyon, Arizona

      Thanks for a very informative hub,thanks for sharing. creativeone59