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Dating Down (A Complete Guide)

Updated on November 11, 2019
Karen Whitefield profile image

Karen Whitefield loves to read, write and nap. Find her at true marriage stories [dot com].

What Is Dating Down?

I had no idea what this term meant until I caught up with my girlfriends at a bar and we talked about this particular common friend who was dating someone one wouldn't quite expect. It was this friend in the bar I was hanging out with who used this term and it totally made sense. When you are dating someone who is not quite up to the same standard as you, it means you are dating down. This is not merely limited to how both of you look together, but also other things like career, intellectual compatibility, and expectations from a relationship.

When you are dating someone who is not quite up to the same standard as you, it means you are dating down. This is not merely limited to how both of you look together, but also other things like career, intellectual compatibility, and expectations from a relationship.

Stop Dating Down!

1. There Is No Intellectual Stimulation In The Relationship

It's possible that you have high brow tastes and like to go to museums over the weekend, but your significant other likes to sit back on the couch and play video games. He doesn't have to be an expert on the Expressionists, but if he is unable to hold a decent conversation about things that are close to your heart, you know you have dated down! Same goes for your tastes in other things, if he is not willing to step up his game and you have to lower your standards more often than you'd like, it maybe time to rethink what you're into! It's only when you step out of the relationship that you realize what you were missing.

He doesn't have to be an expert on the Expressionists, but if he is unable to hold a decent conversation about things that are close to your heart, you know you have dated down! Same goes for your tastes in other things, if he is not willing to step up his game and you have to lower your standards more often than you'd like, it maybe time to rethink what you're into!

2. You Are More Successful Than He Is

It's true that we often don't factor this in, but it could really make a difference in your relationship if you are a high flying executive and your date doesn't have any ambition beyond waiting tables. It's likely that it will create problems not from your side but his. If there is a role reversal that you don't really want: woman earning more than her man and other concerns, then you may have a problem going forward. Both the parties need to be comfortable with the role that they have in the relationship and often, if you are more successful than him, it may lead to jealousy. So, beware! If you have your life sorted out and he doesn't really know what to do with his, then you maybe dating down.

If there is a role reversal that you don't really want: woman earning more than her man and other concerns, then you may have a problem going forward. Both the parties need to be comfortable with the role that they have in the relationship and often, if you are more successful than him, it may lead to jealousy. So, beware! If you have your life sorted out and he doesn't really know what to do with his, then you maybe dating down.

3. You Are Embarrassed To Take Him To Your Friends

Have you made excuses when your friends or family ask you to bring along that guy you're recently seeing? Do you often find yourself going to couple gatherings alone? If you find it embarrassing to take him to see your friends because he will not be able to contribute to the conversation in anyway or if his friends won't be impressed by him, then it's time to rethink your relationship. This also means that there are certain things you can enjoy as a couple and what's the point of that?

Do you often find yourself going to couple gatherings alone? If you find it embarrassing to take him to see your friends because he will not be able to contribute to the conversation in anyway or if

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    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      3 months ago from Chicago

      Most people who "date down" do so on purpose!

      Women in particular are famous for "taking on projects".

      Maybe they've had enough of dating the "dashing knight" or "prince charming" who has his act together and tons of women competing to get his attention. The more "together" a guy is the more competition there is. Also there's a chance he may be narcissistic, egotistical, and controlling. He takes her for granted and is often inconsiderate.

      She then meets a "nice guy" who places her on a pedestal and worships the ground she walks on. However he's average looking, doesn't have a "real career" and his only goal in life is to please her.

      She decides to stick with him and attempt to turn this 6 or 7 into a 9 or 10. She believes over time she "mold him" into the perfect guy for herself complete with the trappings of success while he continues to love and honor her as the goddess of his dreams.

      However if she's successful at doing a complete makeover of him, dressing him the way she wants, and helping find a fulfilling career he suddenly discovers other women who were once "out of his league" are flirting with him! Eventually he caves in to temptation and cheats.

      Now this woman angrily tells the world how she took this "loser" and made him into the man he is today only to have him make a fool out of her. She didn't get the return she wanted on her investment.

      She thought by "dating down" the guy would appreciate her more and she wouldn't have to worry about him straying or playing games. Essentially she considered him to be "safe".

      Many other people subscribe to the philosophy of finding someone who "loves you" and not someone (you) love in order to have happiness. Back in the 1960s there was a song with the following lyrics: "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life never make a pretty girl your wife..."

      Dating down is an act of manipulation on the part of those who are seeking to control their relationships. They intentionally are avoiding dating someone who is their equal or highly desirable because they don't want to have to deal with the competition or make compromises.

      They want to be with someone who feels LUCKY to have them as opposed to being with someone who knowingly could have another person on their arm in a heartbeat.

      Dating down is no accident!

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