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Should Affairs in Relationships Always Be Kept Secret?

Updated on May 12, 2019
EvieSparkes profile image

Evie Sparkes is a published novelist, content writer and company director from the UK.

Is Everyone Keeping Secrets?

The average person is keeping secrets right now. Five of them are secrets they’ve never told another living soul. That's the official line. I have racked my brains for five secrets I have never told another soul and actually I can only think of one. I am not sure where those stats come from. That is unless I have four more that I have buried deep!

If you are keeping a secret and no-one else knows, then you probably have a very good reason for keeping it that way.


Would The Truth Set You Free?

When You Want to Let It All Out

Probably, but it might leave your partner devastated, hurt or angry. Perhaps all three. Secrets in relationships are most often about other people, people we've spent time with, people we shouldn't have spent time with.

You might feel like it's the right thing to do. You may be plagued with guilt by what you've done, but that's your burden to carry.

When you make the choice to be unfaithful, you know what you are doing. It isn't fair to unburden yourself after the event. It's actually the selfish thing to do.

You are doing it for you and you only. There is no good reason to tell all unless other people know and they are likely to spill the beans. That is the only reason to confess to something that can't be undone.


What If Someone Else Tells Your Secret

If you are really worrying that someone else will tell your partner then take some time to talk to that person. Ask them what they have to gain by doing so. Explain how much it will hurt your partner and ask them to respect your wishes.

Generally people that tell other people's secrets are doing it for their own selfish reasons so you'll have to be careful how you approach them. Try to be as agreeable as possible and tell them that you are aware you are in the wrong and tell them that you are doing all you can to make things right.

Can You Fix a Relationship If You've Cheated?

Getting away with it is not the be all and end all. You did it for a reason. Happy people do not cheat.

If your relationship has issues that you haven't attempted to resolve, you are likely to cheat on your partner again in the future. Statistically that's a fact. Even if you are filled with guilt and shame now, that will pass, and that's also a fact.

You may try and justify it to yourself by putting all the blame on to your partner. You might tell yourself he doesn't appreciate you, he never says he loves you, he never cooks the dinner.....

I DO believe you can go on to have a successful relationship. If you are prepared to work at it, then you can move forward.

I know it's perhaps not a popular opinion to say that sometimes a secret is best left a secret, but I have seen the devastation such a revelation can cause and I wouldn't wish that on anybody.

Once you have confessed there is no going back. If you have children then they will inevitably be affected. Even if you think you are hiding the angst from them, they are intuitive and they will pick up on the bad vibe in the house.


When It's Time To Walk Away

Sometimes we have to admit that a relationship has run its course. You may have cheated because deep down you knew this was the case. This is definitely NOT the time you confess all.

Confessing your secret and then asking for a divorce is the worst idea you've ever had. You'll come to realise this when you start dividing up your assets.

In this case, the affair was the catalyst for change. It wasn't the best way, but it made you realise things were finished with your partner.


My Opinion On Keeping Secrets

I think there are grey areas when it comes to keeping secrets. Black and white doesn't cut it.

No-one knows what is going on inside of another person's marriage or relationship. Who am I to judge anyone else's life and the choices they make.

Sometimes a secret is best left in the locked box in your head. Of course forgetting it is another thing, but in time, that's what you need to do for your own sanity.

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    • EvieSparkes profile imageAUTHOR

      Evie Sparkes 

      3 months ago

      I agree with you on the point of serial cheaters completely. I may be generalising here but I see that as more of a male trait. The think nothing of it type of cheater. I know men that regularly cheat on their wives, but I don't know of any women that behave so brazenly. Perhaps they are more careful!

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      3 months ago

      "Happy people do not cheat." - Not necessarily!

      Young people in particular have been known to be "impulsive" and giving the right opportunity with a mixture of alcohol, drugs, and partying along with maybe being egged on by friends to "go for it" while out with the boys/girls …. anything can happen.

      Caving in to temptation has nothing to do with happiness.

      Circumstances, timing, and opportunity are major contributors.

      Secondly there are different types of cheaters. One of them known as the "incessant cheater" or "serial cheater" who sees monogamy as going on a {very strict diet}.

      It's not a matter of (if) they will cheat but rather (when) they will cheat. They get bored easily and are always looking for the thrill that comes with being with someone "new".

      There's nothing you can do to become "new" again.

      Their motto is: "Variety is the spice of life!"

      Some men in particular believe they can cheat all the way up until the night before their wedding and suddenly "retire". They're guilty of deceiving themselves. Monogamy was a "compromise" they attempted to make in order be with someone they desired.

      It wasn't what (they) wanted but rather the price they paid.

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