- Gender and Relationships
We are Never Ever Getting Back Together...are We?
When you're in a relationship, you get used to each other, quirks and all. You spend a lot of time together and make many memories together so it is very easy to grow attached even if you're not truly happy. This is why it is very easy to get back together with an ex because you just fall back into your patterns and everything goes back to normal...or so it seems at first. That's the thing about people, they are creatures of habit and once they fall into a routine with someone it is very difficult for them to break this routine even if they're not really happy but just going through the motions. But how do you know when is it truly right to get back together with an ex and when it is time to really let go and move on?
Going through a break up might be one of the hardest things you ever experience in your life. After completely giving yourself to another human being, both physically and mentally, it is quite a challenge to completely detach yourself from them and try to move on. You feel lost, you feel confused, sad, angry, and numerous other emotions that you never knew that you could feel. Some people get really depressed and just want to stay in bed and not talk to anyone. Others take the opposite route and become overly social just to distract themselves from thinking about it and try to move on as quick as they can without truly processing the breakup.
There are many reasons why a couple might break up, but some of the most common ones are infidelity and growing apart. If the couple ended on bad terms, it will be much harder for them to move on than if they ended it mutually and on good terms. It might seem like a desirable option to get back with your ex if you ended on good terms and think that you can figure out whatever it is that ended your relationship. Because you are still on talking terms, you might still be spending time together and going out just like you did when you were dating. In your mind, it might still feel like you're together so why not just make it official and fall back into familiar patterns?
If you are seriously thinking about getting back together, you need to have a talk with your ex about exactly why it is that you broke up in the first place. Let's say you were together for two years and you want to get married but he doesn't because he has a fear of commitment. Typical male issue I know. So talk about it. Has he changed his decision on marriage or not? If he has and is ready to talk commitment then great you have a resolution to your conflict and can talk about getting back together and moving your relationship forward. But if he hasn't changed his outlook on marriage then nothing's changed and you still have differing viewpoints so there's no point in getting back together because you're just going to have the same argument about marriage until you inevitably breakup again. If you still have such different views on marriage and no one is going to change their mind then it might be time to pack up and go. It's not fair to either of you to agree to something you don't feel right about with your whole heart. He shouldn't have to get married if he doesn't feel like it's right for him and you shouldn't talk someone into doing something they don't want to. No one wins in this situation and people just end up resenting each other and getting divorced or breaking up anyways so it might be a sign that you need to find someone else with the same viewpoints on marriage as you so you can both be happy.
Cheating is a big, big reason why couples break up. It's not fair to say that only men cheat because that's not true. Many women cheat as well and it's just as hurtful to their partner. Should you get back together with your ex if one of you has cheated? This is a tough one. Let's say he cheated and you forgive him and want to give him another chance and take him back. Before you do that ask him why he cheated and base your decision on his answer. If he says he cheated because he got drunk one night and you weren't in town so he just went home with the first girl who was willing? Well that sounds like he's a jerk and you need to dump him. What's the guarantee that he won't do that again the next time you're not around? There's not and you shouldn't have to live your life worrying about it either. Obviously he's not serious about you if he's getting drunk with other girls and sleeping with them. Break up and don't look back because he doesn't seem like he's serious about you and obviously doesn't respect you.
What if he cheated because he's not getting something in your relationship so he found it elsewhere? Let's say you two are having problems and aren't communicating in and out of the bedroom and he found someone else to listen to him and it led to him cheating. Do you take him back in this scenario? You need to find out what your relationship is missing and start trying to communicate better if you want to have a chance to make your relationship work. If he's going somewhere else for a girl to listen to him he needs to be able to come to you and you need to make yourself available for that open communication. Obviously, that's not a good reason to cheat but if you both want to work on your relationship it might be worth a try if you both put in the work and try hard to make it succeed. If you both are not willing to work hard to make it happen then you should just walk away. There's no point in putting something together that doesn't want to be.
So what if you cheated on him? Yeah that happens a lot these days too. Women can cheat too although it is the stereotype that only men are guilty of infidelity. If he's willing to forgive you, you need to be able to explain to yourself and him why it is that you cheated. Were you bored? Was it because you two were having problems? Some people cheat because they simply want an easy way out of a relationship and cheating is a guarantee of that. More than likely you cheated because something was missing from the relationship and you found it elsewhere with some other guy. Find out what is missing and fix it if you want another chance with your guy. If it can't be fixed then leave it broken and walk away. Some broken things aren't meant to be put back together and happen because they are a sign that it's time to walk away for good. Granted, you shouldn't cheat on someone if you want out of the relationship, but that's what people do sometimes no matter how wrong it is.
Many couples grow apart during the course of their relationship, especially if they got together young and years later feel like they are completely different people and no longer have much in common or things to talk about. This is really, really, common because we're different people when we're 16 compared to when we're 30. We view the world differently and things that seemed so importance at one time don't matter so much anymore because something else has taken priority for us. It's okay to grow up and in turn grow apart from your partner. You are under no obligation to stay with someone you know you have outgrown. Yes, it's hard because you're comfortable together, they're like a cozy sweater that fits your body like a glove but maybe it's time to change the sweater for something more appropriate because there's holes and it's seen better days. It doesn't mean that you don't love it anymore but you might have to move on if it's no longer making you happy.
You shouldn't get back together with an ex if you know you have outgrown him. What's changed when you broke up? Did you suddenly feel like you he's right for you even though you're bored and want more from the relationship? No, you're just afraid of change because he's familiar and the dating world out there is not. It's hard to give up something certain and comfortable for something new and unpredictable. You might be asking yourself questions like: "what if I never find someone as good as him or her?" Well, what if you do find someone who's an even better match for you?" You have to be willing to give up something good now in order to bring something even better into your life in the future. It's not fair to anyone in the relationship if you're not happy because he's not going to be happy either watching you settle for something you know you don't want. This will give him or her another chance to find someone who adores them just as they are and find true happiness. You have to follow your heart even if your heart is leading you on an unfamiliar road.
Some relationships are just plain toxic. They are a cycle of breaking up and making up. They're full of drama and yelling...and pain. You know they're not right for you, you just know, but you're stuck because you mistake the drama for love and the making up for passion. In this case you know you have to break the cycle and walk away. Your ex is a bad addiction that you need to break cold turkey. It's going to be one of the most difficult things you do, but when you look back on your decision in the future you're going to be so happy that you had the strength to walk away from something so wrong. When you finally let go of all the stress that relationship was putting in your life you'll feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders and you are free to fly to from your cage. Never get back together with an ex if that's all you're doing...breaking up and making up. That's not a relationship, that's a rollercoaster and you're safer on solid ground. No matter how much your ex has made you lose faith in the goodness of humanity remember that there are still good people out there who will love you without hurting you. There's people out there looking for someone just like you and in order to find them you have to get rid of what's holding you back, in this case your no good ex.
Sometimes breaking up is a good thing because it shows you how much your partner means to you. It takes a break from them to truly see that they are right for you and how much you need them in your life. Some breaks are good because they give both people in the relationship time to think about and evaluate their relationship on their on terms. People have to come to the decision themselves whether a relationship is right for them or not. You can't talk or force them into it, it has to come from them. A lot of people simply need the space to sort out their feelings and figure out what they really want from the relationship and it's only fair to give it to them. Some breakups are simply just breaks when you spend time separately from each other figuring out what you both want...by yourselves. After a certain amount of time has passed, maybe you both decide on a month or two, you come together and realize that you do truly belong together and that the time apart has only shown you how much you both mean to each other. After your time apart your time together will be even better because you both made the choice and you both chose each other. Now that sounds like a happy ending to me.
I think we all have an inner voice inside of us that is guiding us and letting us know whether the decisions we're making are right or not. Breaking up or making up is one of the most important decisions you make in your life so you need to stop and listen to what that inner voice is saying. Maybe there was infidelity in the relationship but he or she swears that it was only one time and it will never happen again yet that little voice is telling you that they're lying and it's only going to happen again and that you shouldn't trust them. Well, listen to that voice and walk away. Maybe you have a feeling like he or she's the one and you feel it with your whole heart and soul and know this is just a bump in the road and want to give it another try. Well, listen to yourself and make the right choice. When it comes down to it, no one can tell you what's better for you then yourself. You know you better than anyone and you know whether someone is right for you or not. When you close your eyes before bed are they the last person you think of before you go to sleep? When you picture your future are they in it? When you're going about your day and hear a love song on the radio is their face the one you think about? When you think about growing old is it with them? If yes, then you already know the answer to your question. Yes, you should definitely get back together with your ex if your heart is telling you. While your head may tell you many things, your heart never lies.
The Bleeding -Five Finger Death Punch
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