- Gender and Relationships
Should We Sacrifice Who We Are To Get What We Want?
Compromise is one thing, however sacrifice is another....
In all relationships it's important to compromise because things can't always be your way all the time, nor should you want them to. Sacrificing—at times—is also important, however when you sacrifice the core of who you are and what makes you truly happy, you will only bring yourself misery.
Often we will sacrifice—our integrity, time, beliefs and what we really want—in our careers—to get what we want—a particular job, higher position or pay raise—in hopes that it will make us happier. Although some of these sacrifices may seem justifiable in order to reach the level of success we strive for, should we also carry these same sacrifices into our relationships in order to find and keep a man?
Time and time again I will see women giving up who they are as individuals or what they really want or believe in for a man—with no guarantee of happiness, unconditional love, or even loyalty of a man being in a committed relationship with them—and only them. But, even if there was a guarantee, is sacrificing the important things that matter to you most—things that make you who you are—that create internal happiness for yourself, really worth giving up for a man?
Love is important. We all want and need love, however, at what cost? And, when we are desperate to find and be in love it can blind us and cause us to devalue how we see ourselves— thinking that the only way to "complete" ourselves is to be in a relationship. Believing that our happiness relies on having a man in our life—regardless of how he's treating us or what his ridiculous expectations might be—is absurd!
Unfortunately, lack of self-love can make you do desperate things—releasing all your happiness in order to make a man happy—forgetting about what you in fact want. Many times when we start sacrificing things for men we are not always fully aware that we are doing it—because we have our love goggles on—until the relationship ends. Then, we realize how unhappy we were after we have let many of our friendships demise, we are no longer working or following our passions, or we have given up our desire for having had a family or children. Yikes! Here's the thing, when we take time to check in with ourselves—making sure that the decisions we make are truly in line with our happiness, then we will know when we are sacrificing too much.
Again, sacrificing is very different from compromising. A sacrifice is giving up something that you still desire to do. I know this because I have also sacrificed in past relationships—not seeing my friends, writing less and being OK with not being in a committed relationship. By choosing to sacrifice things that were important to me, I ended up created my own unhappiness. I can’t blame any of my exes since it was my choice—I wasn’t forced into sacrificing—I was blinded by the delusion of immature love lasting.
Honestly, I could have ended these relationships sooner or not even pursued a relationship in the first place. It’s funny how clarity becomes much clearer after the fact. But, instead I chose to sacrifice things that were important to me in hopes that it would bring us closer. Ironically it did the opposite, I was miserable and felt incomplete—that ladies is Not a good thing.
After talking to various women—friends, relatives and acquaintances—throughout the years—as well as my experiences—here are some of the things that have been sacrificed to be with men…
11 Things Women Will Often Give Up To Be With A Man:
1. Careers—we often will be the first ones to quit or lessen how often we work to either have more time for a guy, help a guy with his career, or to be a stay-at-home mom.
2. Marriage—if a guy claims he doesn't want to ever be married then we will decide that being married doesn't matter—even if it does—in hopes that he will one day change his mind.
3. Children—if a guy doesn't want kids we will convince ourselves that having a man and loving a man is more important than the desire to have children—even though we really want them.
4. Being in a committed relationship—we will agree to an open relationship or "just dating" so that a guy will want to be with us—convincing ourselves that any attention from a guy is better than no attention.
5. Where We live—we will move away from our friends and family or sell our home to move in with a guy that we aren't engaged or married to, in hopes that the relationship will last—even though we're not on the lease or mortgage.
6. Family and friends—we will spend a lot less time seeing our friends and family and spend most—if not all our time—with a guy or we will end up waiting around for him to decide his schedule before we make our own plans.
7. Faith—we will convert our faith for a guy who will only be with us if we are the same faith as he. We will fully give up our faith or decide to discontinue going to church, temple, mosque etc.—if it clashes with when a guy can see us or what he believes.
8. Interests—if a guy doesn't have the same interests as us, we tend to no longer partake in the things we once enjoyed—shop, going to museums, theaters, brunches, etc...
9. Working Out—we will forfeit going to the gym, yoga or fitness classes if our gym time conflicts with when a guy wants to see us.
10. Sexual Comfort—we adjust our own sexual values in order to please the man we are with—oral, anal, threesomes or even staying with a man who cheats.
11. Cosmetic Surgery—we will get implants, lip injections, Botox, etc. for a man who wants us to or who suggests that we would look better if we did.
If sacrificing to such a degree is so unhealthy then why do we do it? We do it because...
- We are insecure in our own skin
- We don't trust a guy unless we are in his presence
- We are too needy or co-dependent
- We think it will make a man love us more
Here's the thing, many times when we do sacrifice it's not because a man is even requiring or asking us to. Usually men want us to have our own life—our own stuff going on—while still finding time for them. Many men find that more appealing and even sexy. As women, we tend to give up the essence of who we are because we have this made up fairytale vision of what love is supposed to be and we are trying to fit that ideal.
Completely sacrificing who we are, what we want, or like, is unhealthy, especially if you are doing it for someone else's happiness, while disregarding your own. Changing who you are and what you believe in doesn't mean the man you are sacrificing it for will be in your life forever.
Ladies, it is important to recognize when you're sacrificing too much in order to create what you think is relationship balance. The longer you are in that type of relationship, you will come to realize how one-sided it really is. Why would you want to be with a man who is OK with you losing yourself for him and his life? Make sure you are taking care of yourself and your life as well...then you will have a happier existence.