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A Psychiatrist Teaches all about Sex and Marriage

Updated on November 11, 2011
What is proper sex?
What is proper sex? | Source
Every time? Every time???
Every time? Every time??? | Source

I was truely ignorant

When I was young neither schools nor parents offered courses in sex education. It never occurred to me to research sexual orientation or homosexuality in the library. I was not even aware of the term sexual orientation and had only heard the term homo used in rude jokes. Consequently when my mother insisted I see a psychiatrist before I got married I agreed. I thought if he was a psychiatrist then he must be an expert on sex. I realised a few years later he wasn't. He probably had not even read the "Kinsey Report" on human sexuality. This hub story happened in the 1960's, long before I got my hands on the excellent book by Dr. Pepper Schwartz: " American Couples:Money,Work,and Sex."

The following is a version of a sketch I wrote which my writing group once performed at a seniors' art festival. There were also younger peolpe in the audience. They laughed.

It seems both straight and gay people are amused by youthful ignorance.


My mother insisted before I got married I should go and see a shrink
My mother insisted before I got married I should go and see a shrink | Source
ALL THE TIME!!!! | Source

The Shrink Visit

The Shrink Visit Characters in order of appearance:

Mother, Marsha, Chorus of people with opinions,Dr. Knowalot-psychiatrist

(Mother speaks to audience)

I know you don’t ever believe me. Who am I? Just her mother, but at least you should listen to my side of the story. My daughter, I only want what’s best for her. She wants to get married. What is this? ANOTHER adolescent rebellion???Her boyfriend, well he is a very nice boy, but, he’s NOT JEWISH!!!

Chorus: " Not Jewish! Not Jewish! Not Jewish!!!!"

Mother " He’s Asian!!!"

Chorus: " Asian! Asian! Asian!!!"

Mother- “Marsha I want you to go to an expert to make sure you aren't making a BIG MISTAKE.”

Chorus Big mistake Big mistake Big mistake

Marsha- OK mom, I’ll go see a shrink.

(Marsha speaks to audience)

I had another concern, a serious problem. I was in love with my girlfriend, not my boyfriend.

(DR. Knowalot speaks to audience)

“I am Dr Knowalot, an expert in youth. I am a big old man with glasses, and do you believe it, a pipe.”“So my dear, Vhat brings you here to-day?”

Marshs “My mom wanted me to come.”

Dr K “Hm-mm, why?”

Marsha “She thinks I may be making a big mistake getting married.”

Dr K “Hm-mm, she thinks. Vhat about you?”

Marsha “Well I am worried also.”

Dr K “Vhat are the problems?”

Marsha “Well mom is upset that he isn't Jewish.And he is Japanese Canadian-3rd generation”

Dr K “Japanese, hmmm, Japanese, well you may not realize it, but Japanese men are very domineering. They don’t respect women the way Ve do in North America. How would you like that?”

Marsha “Well he is third generation Canadian. And in his family his mom is the dominant person. She makes all the plans and does all the talking. His dad just smiles, he doesn't say a peep.”

Dr. K “Hmmm. Do you have any other problems?”

Marsha “Yes, Doctor. There is something else. I am more in love with my girlfriend Kim than my boy friend.”

Dr. K “You are Vorried that you may be homosexual?”

Marsha “Yes, I told my boyfriend about it.”

Dr .K “Hmmm, You told him about it. Vhat did he say?”

Marsha “He said Kim was a really neat person and he was ok with it.”

Dr.K “Have you ever kissed Kim her or touched her breasts?”

Marsha “No.

Dr.K “When you are around vomen , close to vomen, do you get aroused?”

Marsha " I don’t really understand what that means.”

Dr. K “Have you ever made love with a woman?”

Marsha “No, I have never had a chance. I might like it.”

Dr. K “Have you ever made love with your boyfriend?’

Marsha “Yes.”

Dr. K “Do you like it?”

Marsha “Yes.”

Dr. K “Have you ever had an orgasm making love with him?”

Marsha “Yes, every time.”

Dr. K with chorus “Every time! Every time!! Every Time!!!!

Dr K (patting M on the head)

"Well my dear, if you don’t get aroused when you are close to women, and you have never made love to a woman, and you have orgasms with your boyfriend every time. You certainly don’t have to worry that you are homosexual. Those feelings you have for your girlfriend are normal. Everyone has feelings like that for people of their own sex. Don’t worry about it.”

Marsha “Thank you doctor.” ...

(Marsha Speaking to Audience)

"I wondered about him ignoring my Jewish family, and his racist comments, about Japanese Canadians, but I figured since he was a psychiatrist, he must be an expert on sex. So I got married.”

Chorus joyfully: " She Got Married Got married Got Married!!!"

sexual orientation: The Kinsey and Hite Reports

"American Couples..."Dr. Pepper Schwartz


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    • marshacanada profile image

      marshacanada 6 years ago from Vancouver BC

      Many Thanks for your comment kittythedreamer.Glad the hub amused you. Lots of people have crushes on lots of different people and it would be easier if we all were not so hung up on lables.

    • kittythedreamer profile image

      Nicole Canfield 6 years ago from the Ether

      hilarious! I love the psychiatrist's accent in the script. i think many women have had a crush or feel like they love a close friend of theirs, though I'm not sure that makes them know what I mean? I guess that would mean bi? I don't know...I hate labels anyway. :)

    • marshacanada profile image

      marshacanada 6 years ago from Vancouver BC

      Thanks rosannecanada. Question Authority!

    • profile image

      rosannecanada 6 years ago

      The choir chiming in made this hilarious! Psychiatrist: funny 'weird', not funny 'ha ha'! Cudos, Marsha!

    • marshacanada profile image

      marshacanada 6 years ago from Vancouver BC

      Thanks for your comment Genna East.Well it was a long time ago. Mental Health services have hopefully improved since those old days of the Patriarchy in psychiatry.

    • Genna East profile image

      Genna East 6 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Wow...this is very funny, clever and a little shocking at the same time. Who was this psycho (referring to psychiatrist)? Superb hub, thank you!

    • marshacanada profile image

      marshacanada 6 years ago from Vancouver BC

      Thanks Docmo. Sometimes all we can do is laugh.

    • Docmo profile image

      Mohan Kumar 6 years ago from UK

      Love it! The chorus really split me up laughing. You have beautifully condensed a key part of your life into this humorous narrative and cut through the pomposity of racism and pretentiousness so well. Brilliant!

    • marshacanada profile image

      marshacanada 6 years ago from Vancouver BC

      Thanks very much Fay. Glad it made you laugh.

    • profile image

      Fay Paxton 6 years ago

      Thanks for this wonderful belly laugh to start my day. I'm glad you only saw that psychiatrist once.

      Voted way up and very funny

    • marshacanada profile image

      marshacanada 6 years ago from Vancouver BC

      Thanks Elizabeth Odell-yes I was married years ago-and only went to see that psychiatrist once thank goodness.

    • profile image

      Elizabeth Odell 6 years ago

      Marsha, this is hilarious. I didn't know you were married! But the psychiatrist ... he's something else.