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Signs Your Spouse Is Cheating

Updated on February 15, 2009

The Real Signs of a Cheating Spouse

I grew up watching Oprah. I knew the signs of a cheater in high school and caught quite a few boyfriends along the way. But when it came to my marriage, I worked hard to ignore the signs.

I am guessing that you already know the classic signs of a cheating spouse: buying new underwear, taking better care of their appearance, better oral hygiene and all that. That list goes on and on, and these are not the kind of signs I going to discuss. 

If you are in what you thought to be a strong and happy marriage, or even a good marriage that is lacking romance and spark, the signs that your spouse is cheating may be even clearer. But you need to open your eyes and see them. Affairs happen even in good marriages. Even good marriages have their weaknesses and a little vulnerability can open the door for a spouse to cheat. 

Trust Your Instincts

Are you getting that feeling in your gut? Do you just "know" that your spouse in cheating or that something is terribly wrong? If you know your spouse well and have experienced a deep connection in the past, then you can trust your instincts. Chances are, unfortunately, that you are not being paranoid.

I started to get that feeling before there was ever even physical contact between my husband an his affair partner. I felt that something was wrong and started to get suspicious when my husband was still in the "flirting" phase with his soon to be mistress. I had that gut reaction, but I didn't take action.

I was afraid. I was afraid to confront him and I was afraid to face the truth that he would do such a thing. I had always believed that my husband was different. He knew that I would be devasted if he had an affair. I told him an affair would be a deal breaker and our marriage would be over. He couldn't possible do it anyway, could he?

As the affair progressed into the physical stage, my feelings, my instincts about it got stronger. I ignored them. I made excuses, saying that I was just being paranoid. I didn't act, I didn't start snooping. He was cheating, and I would have caught him immediately if I had the sense to look carefully at the situation and the courage to trust my instincts. 

I encourage you, if your instincts are telling you that your spouse is having an affair, trust yourself. Don't dismiss your gut feeling.  


Signs your spouse is cheating.
Signs your spouse is cheating.

Rejection is a Sign of a Cheating Spouse

For me, this is the sign that snapped me out of my denial. I didn't trust my instincts, but when someone mentioned that a cheating spouse will often change drastically in the way they treat their husband or wife, it clicked my mind.

Quiet suddenly, my husband began acting like he hated me. He had always been kind and loving before (although largely unavailable emotionally). The change went across the board.

He went from being a loving father to our children to being angry and mean to the kids all the time. Quality, fun time was a thin of the past and it seemed to happen overnight.

He stopped touching me, for the most part. He talked to me only when he had a reason. He walked out of the room while I was talking on a couple of occasion. My even tempered husband snapped at me often and yelled more during the months of his affair than in our ten years together. Our sex life suffered drastically. 

I told him several times that it seemed like he hated me. He denied it. I said that it seemed like he would rather be anywhere but home. He denied it. I even had a dream that he was cheating on me. He simply commented "how weird."

Many people miss this sign because they think a guilty spouse would be "extra nice" to try to make up for what they are doing or to try to make themselves feel better. Sometimes, they act this way because they absolutely hate themselves and what they are doing. Sometimes it is because they think they are in love with their affair partner and they see their family and spouse as a road block to their true happiness. 

If you feel that you spouse is suddenly rejecting you, both physically and emotionally, this is a sign that your spouse is cheating. There are other reasons that they could be treating you this way. Consider carefully if there are additional signs. The pieces may begin to fit together.


Take action if you think your spouse is cheating.
Take action if you think your spouse is cheating.

What Next?

If these signs of cheating are present in your relationship, I suggest you plan your next steps carefully. Begin to look through bank statements, phone bill records, cell phone records. Ask where they have been and who they were with. Hire an investigator if you want to be 100% sure before confronting your spouse about their cheating.

I know that if you are reading this, you are likely going through a very difficult time in your marriage. I know. I've been there. You are not alone. Unfortunately, 70% of marriages are rocked by infidelity. Each affair and situation is different.

Only two things are the same for us all:

  1. It is not your fault. The betrayed spouse had no say in the choices their partner made. You are responsible for 50% of the problems in your marriage. Your cheating spouse is responsible for the other 50% of the problems plus 100% of the affair. It is not your fault.
  2. The pain of betrayal by a spouse is something only others who have been betrayed can fully understand. The experiences, emotions and recovery are very much alike. You are not alone.


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    • profile image

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      Alicia 3 years ago

      My name is Alicia form Cyprus, i want to testify of how i got back my husband after divorce, I and my husband married in 2008, we have lived as a happy family with a boy, recently my husband started behaving strangely, i suspected he was going out with another woman, when i confronted him it led to quarelling and he filed a divorce against me, i was so confused, i didn't know what to do, i tried all i could to get him back but all to no avail until i saw a post on the internet about a spell caster who help people to regain back lost love, when i contacted the spell caster, he helped me cast a re-union spell and i got back my husband within 72hours, contact this spell caster for your relationship or marriage issues via this email

    • profile image

      Sharon 3 years ago

      I have be married for nine years my husband and i where living happily

      and just two months ago my husband ment his ex girl friend whom he had

      in school days and all of a sudden he started dating her again and he

      never cared about his family again all he does is to stay late at night

      and when he come's back he will just lie to me that he hard some fault

      with his car,there was this faithful day i caught the both of them in a

      shop,i walked to them and told the girl to stay of my husband girlfriend

      again,i have suffered too much in the hand of a cheating husband but and

      when he came home that evening he beat me up even despite the fact that

      i was pregnant he was just kicking and warning me to never point a

      finger on his affairs. thank to Dr.Osaze.malaca whom i got from a blog

      site after a long search for a real spell caster i was so happy that he

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      before and if you are their suffering from a broken marriage or your

      husband or ex cheats? you can email:spirituallove@hotmail. com

    • profile image

      Cherry100 5 years ago

      Always helpful in these situations! At least it was very helpful to me! Try them

    • Anamika S profile image

      Anamika S 7 years ago from Mumbai - Maharashtra, India

      Yes, Rejection is definitely a sign of a cheating spouse. At the same time any change in behavioral pattern including too much attention can be a sign that the spouse is cheating.

    • mimran profile image

      mimran 7 years ago

      It's really interesting hub and i will say only one thing hubpages is popular with the help of hubbers like u.

    • profile image

      irini 8 years ago

      The signs were all there but never thought it would happen to me , I was so hurt and still believe that I will never recover, I do my best for me and my daughter but there's always that silent festering pain that never goes away even during my sleep. To all who have been betrayed know that eventually all there plans will backfire and they will never trust each other and they will crash and burn.

    • profile image

      After The Affair 8 years ago from USA

      Thank you all for your heartfelt comments. I am still "rough around the edges" as you can see. My journey to healing is really just beginning and I know it will be a long one.

      I'm so happy to be able to share my experience in such a welcoming community. :)

    • funride profile image

      Ricardo Nunes 8 years ago from Portugal

      Welcome to hubpages, you have made a great start with this hub. As Steph said: "From the heart and deeply moving."

      I have no doubts this friendly and loving community will help you go through this rough times and in the end you´ll become much stronger ;-)

      Take care

    • Lgali profile image

      Lgali 8 years ago

      I like this --Rejection is a Sign of a Cheating Spouse

    • ajcor profile image

      ajcor 8 years ago from NSW. Australia

      After The Affair It is not your fault. and You are not alone.Both these statements are so true - i hope that you will gradually start to feel better and forgive yourelf for overlooking what to you now, seems to have been so obvious...but if as you said  infidelity was the deal breaker then maybe that is why you chose the path you did...I was too went down that hard path ... cheers

    • stephhicks68 profile image

      Stephanie Hicks 8 years ago from Bend, Oregon

      From the heart and deeply moving. I hope the months ahead bring you peace.