- Gender and Relationships
Signs Your Spouse Is Cheating
The Real Signs of a Cheating Spouse
I grew up watching Oprah. I knew the signs of a cheater in high school and caught quite a few boyfriends along the way. But when it came to my marriage, I worked hard to ignore the signs.
I am guessing that you already know the classic signs of a cheating spouse: buying new underwear, taking better care of their appearance, better oral hygiene and all that. That list goes on and on, and these are not the kind of signs I going to discuss.
If you are in what you thought to be a strong and happy marriage, or even a good marriage that is lacking romance and spark, the signs that your spouse is cheating may be even clearer. But you need to open your eyes and see them. Affairs happen even in good marriages. Even good marriages have their weaknesses and a little vulnerability can open the door for a spouse to cheat.
Trust Your Instincts
Are you getting that feeling in your gut? Do you just "know" that your spouse in cheating or that something is terribly wrong? If you know your spouse well and have experienced a deep connection in the past, then you can trust your instincts. Chances are, unfortunately, that you are not being paranoid.
I started to get that feeling before there was ever even physical contact between my husband an his affair partner. I felt that something was wrong and started to get suspicious when my husband was still in the "flirting" phase with his soon to be mistress. I had that gut reaction, but I didn't take action.
I was afraid. I was afraid to confront him and I was afraid to face the truth that he would do such a thing. I had always believed that my husband was different. He knew that I would be devasted if he had an affair. I told him an affair would be a deal breaker and our marriage would be over. He couldn't possible do it anyway, could he?
As the affair progressed into the physical stage, my feelings, my instincts about it got stronger. I ignored them. I made excuses, saying that I was just being paranoid. I didn't act, I didn't start snooping. He was cheating, and I would have caught him immediately if I had the sense to look carefully at the situation and the courage to trust my instincts.
I encourage you, if your instincts are telling you that your spouse is having an affair, trust yourself. Don't dismiss your gut feeling.
Rejection is a Sign of a Cheating Spouse
For me, this is the sign that snapped me out of my denial. I didn't trust my instincts, but when someone mentioned that a cheating spouse will often change drastically in the way they treat their husband or wife, it clicked my mind.
Quiet suddenly, my husband began acting like he hated me. He had always been kind and loving before (although largely unavailable emotionally). The change went across the board.
He went from being a loving father to our children to being angry and mean to the kids all the time. Quality, fun time was a thin of the past and it seemed to happen overnight.
He stopped touching me, for the most part. He talked to me only when he had a reason. He walked out of the room while I was talking on a couple of occasion. My even tempered husband snapped at me often and yelled more during the months of his affair than in our ten years together. Our sex life suffered drastically.
I told him several times that it seemed like he hated me. He denied it. I said that it seemed like he would rather be anywhere but home. He denied it. I even had a dream that he was cheating on me. He simply commented "how weird."
Many people miss this sign because they think a guilty spouse would be "extra nice" to try to make up for what they are doing or to try to make themselves feel better. Sometimes, they act this way because they absolutely hate themselves and what they are doing. Sometimes it is because they think they are in love with their affair partner and they see their family and spouse as a road block to their true happiness.
If you feel that you spouse is suddenly rejecting you, both physically and emotionally, this is a sign that your spouse is cheating. There are other reasons that they could be treating you this way. Consider carefully if there are additional signs. The pieces may begin to fit together.
If these signs of cheating are present in your relationship, I suggest you plan your next steps carefully. Begin to look through bank statements, phone bill records, cell phone records. Ask where they have been and who they were with. Hire an investigator if you want to be 100% sure before confronting your spouse about their cheating.
I know that if you are reading this, you are likely going through a very difficult time in your marriage. I know. I've been there. You are not alone. Unfortunately, 70% of marriages are rocked by infidelity. Each affair and situation is different.
Only two things are the same for us all:
- It is not your fault. The betrayed spouse had no say in the choices their partner made. You are responsible for 50% of the problems in your marriage. Your cheating spouse is responsible for the other 50% of the problems plus 100% of the affair. It is not your fault.
- The pain of betrayal by a spouse is something only others who have been betrayed can fully understand. The experiences, emotions and recovery are very much alike. You are not alone.