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Single Men: How to Get Over Your Fears of Being "Tied Down"

Updated on July 20, 2020
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Bayyinah is the author of Gimme Some Relationship Advice! She is the owner of Gimme that Recipe! an online lifestyle company.

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Getting Over Your Fears of Being Tied Down

"Men are afraid of commitment" We have all heard the phrase before. At the essence of all fear, is the feeling that something might be lost. In essence, if you are afraid of commitment or committing to one person, you are afraid of losing options and freedom in different aspects of your life.

But here is the catcher: every decision we all make in life, means losing other options. No matter what we do, there are always another kind of option in life one could have lived.

With men who have a commitment phobia, fear making the wrong decision. What I notice is that the irony of the fear of being tied down is that there is this mask to cover up a strong desire for love, the longing for companionship and security, a long term healthy relationship only brings. In essence, some men fear what they really want and need most.

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What Causes The Fear?

You ask where does the fear come from?

These fears were developed from life's rejections and disappointments. Rejection and disappointments in previous relationships, experiences with family and friends, peers, at work or in their career. Believe it or not, work experiences can also affect how one may view relationships.

Maybe you've experienced a relationship in the past where you felt trapped and suffocated in, and because of this experience, you vowed to never allow yourself to feel that way again. Or maybe you fear the possible future relationship could dissolve or end while you've invested so much into the relationship.

On the flip side of it, maybe you never saw your parents together, so you you a blueprint to follow to maintain a healthy love. Lastly, you may have had both parents in the home together, however you witnessed a rocky, unhealthy relationship between them and therefore you have a mindset that "no relationship or marriage ever works out".

The Consequences of Commitment Fears

With a prolonged, deep seeded fear, brings consequences. The long-termed consequences of deep seeded relationship fears can lead to the possibility of living a severely lonely life by throwing away a perfectly good life partner, companion and love.

Another point to note and keep in mind is that some commitment phobia men may knowingly get into relationships they are aware will not work out. This is a coy to cover up the fear and to run from commitment as it may be more convenient. Men afraid of commitment may become involved in a relationship they know deep down inside is not workable. Overtime, this sort of behavior can lead to feelings of emptiness and loneliness. If you are a man who is experiencing this or you are not sure if you are, the following four tips can help you identify and fix your commitment fears.

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Four Tips to Identify and Fix Your Commitment Fears

1. Take a Look at Your Relationship History.

Did you seem to run out on a good and promising relationship? Looking at your relationship history and see if there is a pattern of running off on some seemingly good women and relationships. While reading a magazine recently, I came across an article that read: The One that Got Away, Burt Reynolds Misses Sally Field." In the article, the late actor, Burt who was 79 at the time of the article was quoted saying: "she was the one that got away...men do a lot of stupid things to mess it up with the perfect woman." You do not want this to be you: looking back on your life after 30 years and still regret allowing the one to get away.

2. Ask Yourself What Are You Really Afraid Of?

Are you afraid of losing the relationship, your single life, independence, money extra sexual options or singlehood freedom? After asking yourself what are you particularly afraid of it is important to note that if it is fear of giving up money, independence, or freedom? Because no relationship or healthy love would take away all freedoms or independence. In actuality, a healthy relationship with a whole woman will help meet your needs in regards to independence and freedom. In all healthy relationships there is a shared virtue. Shared virtue is what inspires you to be great and better each day. If you had experiences in your past relationships with women who were controlling of your life, please note that these were never healthy relationships if it was based on control.

3. Imagine that the Fear has Gone.

In our society, we are bombarded with negative point of views. It's saturated around us, in the media, sports, entertainment, politics. Everywhere. But what if we begin to look at things in a positive point of view? What could be the benefits? What about the marriages and relationships that have lasted and are thriving? We can be so bound up to "all the things that can go wrong" we don't stop to ask ourselves all the things that can go right. There are benefits to a long-term relationship and healthy love. These benefits are both mentally and physically helpful and rewarding, but you've only been focusing on negative outcomes. Surround yourself with happy, positive couples.

4. Try Not to Put so Much Pressure on Yourself with the "Forever" Idea.

Most men with this issue fear that the relationship may not work down the road, and he would have exhausted so much from himself and into the relationship. Remember: now is all the time we will have. In the moment. I know it sounds boring and cliché, but no one is sure of what will happen in the future. Life is a series of present moments. You may feel you have all the time in the world but in actuality, time goes by quick. Try not to pressure yourself with forever thoughts.


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Getting over your fears of settling down will require some honest self-examination. Examine how you approach and view relationships based on the past experiences. What may work in your relationship now, may not work in the future, then again maybe it will. Life is all about exploration, growth, fearlessness and meeting the special woman who inspires you, bring out the best in you and welcomes growth and change. Try these four tips to help you get over your relationship fears.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2020 Bayyinah

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