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Six reasons why you can't find a decent man

Updated on August 5, 2015


We have all been through bad relationships at some point or another. Some of us are not looking for anything serious, some of us never want to marry, some never want children so these things aren't as important to us. On the other hand, some of us want to get married, settle down, find our very own Prince Charming

People often say things aren't like how they used to be in romance and men aren't how they used to be. This is actually a good thing. Nowadays you ladies are expected to make more of an effort. Pay for yourselves, be clear about what you want, you need to be more than a pretty face. Romance is not dead but we certainly have more to do when it comes to courtship. In the past men were expected to take women out to dinner, to a ball, ask for her hand in marriage if he finds her beautiful and of suitable breeding as the expectations for him were he should be married young. With more freedom nowadays and less pressure, the sexes have become equal in the dating field which means you have to do more than what it says in the fairy tales and not just blame the men.

1. It's Your Own Fault.

Some women are horrified over the idea it might just be their own fault why they can't find a decent man. Many women are more than happy to claim there are no decent men out there. Fact is, there are but you just have to look for them.

The common denominator in all of your past failed relationships is you. You haven't repeatedly dated the same guy or clones of him, but you have dated men all in the same category. I see women say "but this time I dated a fat guy, I dated a poor guy, I dated a guy with no friends, I dated a really rich guy - they're all different" no, they're not. Whilst you may have dated a guy physically or financially different to what you would normally choose, the guy is running on the same personality type. We have all made this mistake, I myself have done it. Think about it, what do all these men have in common other than you? their behaviour, values, morals, attitudes... there is something that links them all together which is why you've chosen them.

I'm not saying date someone you can't stand, date someone you're not attracted to, etc. I'm saying date outside your comfort zone. Used to dating docile, moody guys that probably spend too much time online? date a more outgoing guy with something to strive for and that is more physically active. Always dating a gym rat? go for the docile computer whiz. Try dating someone unlike anyone you've dated before, if you feel out of your comfort zone, or out of your normality zone, this could be a good thing for you.

2. Desperation Stinks.

Not all women are desperate for a relationship, not all women are lonely and not all women want to get married. Sometimes we come across women that will jump into the first boat that comes along. Some women really want a boyfriend and when a guy comes along showing them romantic interest, they jump at the chance and go in feet first wanting to rush into a relationship. Don't do this. Half the time these guys are not going to be your Prince Charming, they're just another frog that leaves a bitter taste in your mouth.

Guys that are serious about relationships don't want to go from 0-90 in two seconds flat. They don't want to jump into bed with you five minutes after meeting and they don't want to marry you after 6 weeks. Decent guys are also good at smelling desperation as these serious men have learned to weed out women like this. Desperation really does stink!

3. You don't know what you want.

It's not your fault. You just don't know what you want. This applies to women of all ages from teens to old age pensioners. Before you find a successful relationship you need to sit back and think about what you want. A lot of women don't bother and then can't understand why their relationships fail or the guys they're picking are no good.

The easiest way to do this is to make three lists.

1. Essential things you need in your man that you refuse to waver. Examples: Good personal hygiene, nice personality, race, religious beliefs (or lack of), able to care for himself.

2. Things that you would like but are non-essential. Examples: Hair colour, height, eye colour, clothing style, level of education, income.

3. Things you absolutely do not want in a man. Examples: Bad personal hygiene, bitterness towards women, rude, a long list of failed relationships, lack of emotional stability, lack of a job/education/common sense, family issues, commitment issues, etc.

Once you've made these lists (write them down) you'll feel more clear cut about what you want. You have to understand you probably won't get everything on your list so keep your essentials list to the real essentials and not restrict yourself to only dating 6'6 body builders with the latest sports car and a new music album out, or to only dating men of a certain clothing genre e.g. goth. Cast your net a little wider and you'll have more of a chance of reeling in a good one.

4. Your self esteem.

Let's face it, if you have low self-esteem then a relationship is going to be a problem. People with excessively low confidence are much harder to be around and many of us ladies have dated a man that is so shy and so hard/down on himself we've found it almost intolerable.

Before looking for a new relationship you need to work on your confidence. I see women all the time online asking how they can make themselves look like the perfect woman for men to find attractive because they don't feel good enough as themselves. The types of women that make themselves look a certain way just for the attention of benefit of men are not the ones that are going to find successful relationships. There is no set way men want a woman to look. Not everyone can be a 6'6 natural blonde, tanned, blue-eyed bunny. This works the same way for men. Do you expect them all to have one look you find attractive? of course not! many of us find multiple looks attractive. Learn to love yourself, be confident in who you are, know what you want and men will find you far more of an attractive person. A moody, bad tempered, miserable person can be beautiful on the outside but they will not have a spark and both men and women can sense when someone has very low self-esteem. Sometimes women with low self-esteem are viewed as easy targets for quick flings so don't allow yourself to fall into one of these categories.

If you have a problem with the way you look then change it. New hairstyle/colour, new clothes to suit your body type, new makeup, etc. Change yourself up a little and look how you want to. If you feel like yourself in the way you look then you're doing something right and feeling comfortable in your own skin is an extremely attractive trait.

5. Widen your dating pond.

This also applies to your lists topic. If you're going to the same places and talking to the same people all the time how do you expect to meet someone new, different and exciting? if you're sitting at home scoffing chocolates and scrolling through Facebook how do you expect to meet someone new? they won't just fall out of the sky and everything is perfect. You have to get out there, or at least on a new dating site...

Ask your friends to fix you up - friends in relationships are very good at this as they will know everybody's relationship matters. Be open that you're looking for a new relationship and that you're ready, but don't go overboard and whine online or complain about not having a boyfriend. This is desperation all over again.

Try singles meet ups, online dating, going to new places to meet men, add new friends on Facebook, get socialising, take up a new hobby or activity. Don't keep fishing in the same pond, it is going to reel up the same fish over and over again.

6. Don't settle for loser men.

I think we all come to the realisation very early in our dating lives that there are plenty of loser men out there. Then again, just because these guys aren't right for you doesn't mean they're not right for someone else. Our definition of a "loser" is based mainly on our own interpretations, but there are some men out there that really have very little to offer a woman. Here are some examples of generalised loser men.

1. I want everything but I can give you nothing. Some men feel they are entitled to nothing less than a beauty queen housewife with two masters degrees, earning over a hundred grand a year, will do anything he asks her to at the snap of his fingers, and yet he has nothing to offer the woman. These men usually have a woman complex and view them as inferior due to bitterness over past relationships/ female bullying at school/ mother issues.

2. Game addict. Yeah, we've probably all dated a gamer at some points. I myself am a female gamer and this is where I can offer you my expertise. There is a difference between a gamer and an addict - the gamer is fine to date as he will drop his games for you, teach you to play, show passion about what he loves, but he will do other things. An addict will ignore you for games, his friends will dislike you for taking him from his games, he will become moody/ aggressive and even neglect you emotionally or physically for the games e.g. doesn't want to go anywhere, expects you to sit and watch. These guys really are losers and have no life outside of their games.

3. Players. Players don't want to settle down, you are not going to be that one woman like in the movies that comes along and changes him, and he does not have the same mentality as you. These types of men often have low self-esteem, enjoy stroking their own ego (or having women do it for them), sometimes suffer from hormonal imbalances or even depression,and are not emotionally mature enough to start a serious relationship. These guys find their value in sleeping with women and have very little-no value in the women themselves.

Don't date someone because you pity them. Don't date someone you don't like that much because you're alone. Don't date someone that is lazy and doesn't make any effort. You and I both know it will end before it has a chance to begin. No matter how much you want a relationship do not settle for loser men because you will never be happy.


In short, there are many other reasons why you want not be finding yourself in a successful relationship but the most common and written above. It's important not to feel bad if you really have made some mistakes when it comes to men. Sometimes we will meet men we like but that are not right for us and these men are very emotionally needy and immature and will try to convince you to be with him, keep talking to him and be nice to him. These types will often blame you if he gets angry and never see any wrong they're doing. We know that us girls don't like to hurt someone's feelings, but in these cases it's best if we do. If you know someone isn't right for you don't go out with them just because you feel bad for them.

The most important thing for you to take away today is the fact you can now start fresh. If you've come to realise why you might not be able to find a suitable partner from one of the statements above you can take some time to think on it and correct yourself. Some women will be angry and say I am entirely blaming them when it is not their fault. - You are the common denominator in your failed relationships. You are not being forced to go out with these men against your will. You are not thinking logically.


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    • profile imageAUTHOR


      3 years ago from United Kingdom

      @dashingscorpio I love how you have made so many wonderful connections in this and I'm really pleased you enjoyed my hub! it is definitely true people have so many unrealistic expectations and blame people they invite into their lives for being an onion instead of an apple. It might interest you to know that I myself am in my early twenties!

      Never settle for what comes alone first, always explore and get involved with new people. If the same ones keep appearing you haven't searched far enough!

      It's the same with apple picking, you wouldn't pick all the apples from the same branch if you were to bite into the first and it was full of sand, so why do the same with a partner?

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      3 years ago

      Voted up, useful, and awesome!

      There is a great amount of commonsense wisdom in this article of which a lot of women could learn from.

      "The common denominator in all of your past failed relationships is you."

      Very true!

      If you go to the grocery store to purchase an apple but buy an onion instead whose fault is that? Do you curse the onion for not being an apple? No! You learn to become a "better shopper"!

      Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse!

      "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."

      - Oscar Wilde

      I believe having "unrealistic expectations" also leads to a lot of heartache.

      Young women in their late teens and early 20s are kidding themselves if they believe a guy in that age group is looking to settle down, get married, have children, and sign a 30 year mortgage!

      That's like watching their life flash before their eyes!

      Guys in their early 20s aren't in a rush to become their parents!

      Most of them want to play video games, watch sports, party with friends, and get laid all while deciding what career path to follow.

      A woman wanting to get married in her early 20 should probably date men in their late 20s or early 30s.

      There are two basic reasons why men don't marry a woman.

      1. Timing (He's not ready to be married and is enjoy his life as it is.)

      2. You are not "the one"

      Oddly enough I've never heard any woman tell someone that (she) was not "the one". Most likely they'll say; "He doesn't know what he wants."

      As for the notion of "settling" my theory is people settle for the best option (they) believe is available to them based upon a COST VS Reward system.

      If there were two cars in a parking lot and one was an old 1972 Gremlin and the other was a 2015 Audi 6 and a person was told they could have either car most likely everyone would choose the newer car.

      However if there was a caveat thrown in that required them to run/walk a marathon in order to get the 2015 Audi or they could drive off with the Gremlin right now. Some people would take the Gremlin and some would jump on the bus. My point is some folks will decide it's not worth the cost to have their "ideal" whatever. The so called "settling" is actually what they were (willing to spend in effort) to get what they claim they want. If you want something bad enough you'll find a way and if you don't you'll find an excuse.

      You see two cans of beans on a shelf where one has a dent on the side with the label partially torn off and the other looks brand new; very few people are going to "settle" for the dented can.

      People always settle for whatever they (believe) is the best they can do in a given moment. If they (really thought they could do better) they would!


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