So Here I Am - A Story
So here I am. Smoking a cigarette. Relieved the emergency room teams of doctors and nurses have left me alone to die. I should stop smoking but at this point that’s the least of my concerns.
How did I get here?
All I remember is yelling a voicemail message to Carlos telling him I was going to kill him while trying to dodge through traffic being shot at multiple times. I was trying to escape the two men shooting at me on motorcycles. Ever try to outrun motorcycles? Impossible.
So how did I end up at the hospital you ask?
I tried to make a quick right exciting the highway in my BMW, lost control, hit an embankment and was ejected from the vehicle. Since then I have been everywhere my body has been however I have been separated from myself physically. I witnessed the paramedics arriving on the scene and taking me to the hospital. At the hospital they immediately took x-rays and began cutting me open to remove permanently damaged organs. I had a lot of internal bleeding and blood loss from the impact. After five hours of surgery there was nothing left to do but see if I would make it.
I’m mad at myself because I should have seen it coming. On multiple occasions, Carlos had special dinners with his friends and they always seemed to disappear. That was what he did for people he felt betrayed him. I never thought he would do this to me.
Since the time I have been physically separated from my body, this evil spirit has been present and it frightens me. I sense this aura of extreme heat as this spirit is moldering in close vicinity to me. Never in my life have I been so frightened.
My entire life has been nothing but a series of s.l.i.p.’s (selfish living inflicting pain). I guess it all started when I turned 18 and my parents announced they were getting divorced. I should have seen it coming simply for the fact that they NEVER argued. I found out that my father was having an affair with one of my mother’s friends. I was informed I had a half sister six years younger than I.
I refused to speak to my mother and father for years because I was hurt, confused, and angry. I never met my sister and now I wish I had taken the time to get to know her. It wasn’t her fault how she came into this world. S.L.I.P.
I worked full-time during my first two years at school and rented an apartment with my friend Michelle. During my third year of college I lost my job. My friend told me that I better come up with some cash soon or get out. I asked her about getting me a job at the credit card processing center where she worked. One night Michelle sat down and explained how she came to drive a Mercedes and had expensive clothes all the time. What she told me went against everything my mother and father ever taught me.
Michelle introduced me to selling weed for her and sleeping with men for money. She introduced me to the party scene and soon I dropped out of school because business was great. She spent $2,500 on a few dresses, shoes, and accessories for me to look hot. She introduced me to the ATL scene. I rarely offered affection in exchange for money because that was never my thing. I make enough money selling weed and ecstasy. Maybe once every few months I exchanged “the feel good effect” for $1,000 per experienced plus entertainment expenses. I never liked giving “the feel good effect” because men loved showering money on me and it made me feel dirty to accept my money this way. I moved up to a BMW, enjoyed expensive vacations, and had money to do whatever I wanted. Everything was fine until my 21st birthday party.
I had a big party at the Ritz Carlton. As the party was in full swing, this Don-Juan type of guy kept flirting with us. He ordered a few bottles of champagne – Krug Close – 1995, and sent it to us. He came over and told us he would love to experience us. He offered us a few lines of coke which I declined and Michelle accepted. The Don told us to meet him in the Penthouse.
When we arrived we discovered more coke. Money was spread all over the bed. The Don was already in a robe preparing himself for the festivities to occur. I was tired of this scene and the money spread on the bed turned me off. I went to the ladies room to freshen up with Michelle. I told her I changed my mind and asked her if she felt okay with this dude. She gave me the okay to go. So I left, rejoined the party downstairs and danced the night away until 4 that morning then I went home and passed out. I woke up at 2 in the afternoon to the sound of a knock on the door. If I was correct, this would be the knocking of a police officer. I was right.
I opened the door immediately and asked what was going on. The officer asked if I knew Michelle Hollins. I said yes. They told me she had suffered an overdose and they suspected, by the bruises present on her arms, it was as if someone was holding her down to inject her. They found heroine and cocaine at the scene along with $5,000 cash. They then asked me if they could search the apartment. I said sure to prove I wasn’t hiding anything. They searched, found nothing and told me to stay in town just in case they needed me. They questioned me about the man she was with but I wasn’t much help. As the officer began to leave the apartment, he turned around like Colombo and said “Oh, one more thing….. Mind if Sparky looks around?” Without waiting for my answer he whistled for the dog and by the look on my face the cop knew I was screwed. Of course the dog went crazy by my closet, pawing away where we had hid the drugs. I was praying Michelle had moved weight and left a minimum in the stash area. I said nothing as the compartment popped open after the dog fiercely pawed at it. Inside was ten pounds of weed, twenty five hundred ecstasy pills and about forty grams of coke. Well at least those were the findings presented to the judge after I was taken into custody.
This latest s.l.i.p. cost me three years in jail.
Long story short, in custody I found out “The Don” left a typed message behind at the scene of the crime: “Thou shall not steal. Was $5,000 worth a life?” I guess Michelle double crossed the wrong person.
Now here I was released with no place to stay, money confiscated, and no one to help me get back on my feet. Glad I left two emergency stashes in different safety deposit boxes. I had enough money for two years.
After getting some of my cash from one of my safety deposit boxes, I rented an apartment for a few months. I then went shopping for clothing, shoes, and basic furniture. That first weekend out, Friday night, I went to find some weed.
After smoking, I sat and cried for hours. I felt so alone and sad. I wiped my face and prepared to call my mother.
When I dialed her number a man answered the phone after a few rings.
“Hello, is Linda there? This is her daughter Pamela.”
The silence seemed endless.
He answered: “I don’t know how to tell you this but the previous owner of this house passed away earlier this year. She had a heart attack. I’m so …”
I never felt so alone in my life. Now there was no way to hug her, tell her I loved her, and apologize for me freaking out about the situation. She was the biggest victim of my father’s infidelity. How come I couldn’t grasp that at 18?
Seeing that things couldn’t get any worse, I called my father.
“Hello – Dad?”
“Dad, are you there?”
After more silence: “I hope you aren’t calling me for some money or because you’re in trouble.”
I sat in my apartment all night crying and thinking. One thing my mother always told me when I was a little girl is that you can always go to God no matter what. This thought circled my head but by the dawn of the new day I had convinced myself otherwise. By morning I convinced myself to pursue living the lavish life. My plan; invest in a wardrobe, go to the hot spots, and target a boyfriend who could put me in the game.
It took two months for the magic to happen. Two months of being in the upscale party scene and deciphering between the entourage and the men who really generated wealth. That’s how I met Carlos. Carlos was a regular at a martini spot where all vehicles were at least $100,000 or more. I caught his eye but always gave him the cold shoulder until I decided to allow him to pursue me. Unlike any time before, I arrived, ordered my drink and simply stared at him while he was seated at a booth with his friends. He took the cue, got up and came over to me. He introduced himself as Carlos, international business man. He mentioned that he had tried to send me drinks but they were always refused so he assumed I wasn’t interested.
“Carlos. A woman like me has men constantly offering things out of their abundance which requires little effort. The man that I want will lay down his life for me. If you loved me, would you do that for me?
“Make an effort. Sure, no problem sweetheart.”
“No. Would you lay down your life for me if you loved me?”
“Yes! If I loved you, I would. Would you lay down your life for me?”
“If I loved you, I would.”
He gave me the electronic key to his home and requested my phone number. He told me that a lady should always be home before her man so that she is the brightest part of his day.
A few minutes later I received a text with directions to his estate. Upon arrival I was given a Victoria Secret gift box with complete nighttime attire. I was told that the bath water in the master suite was ready for me. I was advised to use the intercom if I needed anything else.
Hours later, Carlos arrived. I had fallen asleep. He awakened me with a gentle kiss and lay next to me. We slept together all night without intimacy. We simply touched and adored each other. After brunch the next day, I prepared to leave.
Will I see you again?
“That depends on you.” I left the key on the table.
I knew I was getting in over my head. Although Carlos was under my spell I knew there was a harsh side to him. Was he a woman beater, possessive, or brutal in bed? I knew he wasn’t as humble and harmless as he portrayed. But you only live once, right?
Later that week I told my apartment manager I would no longer need the apartment and they could keep the furniture. I donated my clothing to a battered woman’s shelter along with $1,000.
I ignored all calls from Carlos that week. On Saturday I came over his mansion unannounced around 11p.m. I arrived at the gate and requested Carlos grant me entrance. When I arrived, Carlos was there with a few guests having a dinner party. Carlos announced me as the lady of the house when I entered. I joined the dinner party and enjoyed the night.
Later that night Carlos and I had a five hour conversation about who he was and what he knew about me. Carlos had taken my fingerprints while I was sleep, ran the rental car plates, and had knowledge of my bank accounts. He told me all he needed was a woman he could trust by his side and the world would be mine. He told me that he understands my struggles and the pain my parents divorce and my father’s infidelity caused me. He explained that a man has many pleasures but his family should always come first. He told me he had made a few slips in his life as well but that’s what made him the person he is today.
Everyday was like a fairy tale for the next year. I went on fabulous shopping trips, vacations, and saw foreign lands. Carlos adored me and I respected him and had grown to love him. I asked little questions and did what I was told. I never was involved in the distribution of product but I did notice how frequently people “disappeared” in our circle.
Everything was great until I mentioned marriage. He told me that he didn’t feel a need to be married. He stated he treated me great, loved me, and provided for me - no vows necessary. I explained it was important to me because I didn’t want to shack up all my life. He laughed and asked me when I had become religious. We had a huge fight.
I ordered champagne all night long and had Devon the butler keep me company. He consoled me and began kissing me. He had always had a crush on me but I was extremely rude to him to discourage his advances although he was remarkably handsome. Tonight I needed to feel needed and adored (another s.l.i.p.). Devon gave me the feeling of being wanted but in the middle of the act my guilt got the best of me. I silently pulled away from him. He got the message and left. I couldn’t tell Carlos what happened for fear he would kill me for betraying him. What I didn’t know was that there were cameras outside the bedroom.
I met with Carlos the next morning on the patio. We had brunch and he was extremely affectionate and apologetic towards me. For some reason a new butler was serving us.
Carlos explained that he hated fighting with me. He did however want to extend the opportunity for us to bury the hatchet and have dinner at Cuba’s Soul, an upscale Cuban hot-spot restaurant. He advised me that he had some business to take care of and he would meet me there at eight that evening.
Dinner was wonderful. He gave me a promise ring, looked me in my eyes, and said: “Truth, loyalty, and respect are the foundation of any marriage. Do you feel we have that?”
We finished dinner. A little later he told me that his driver that arrived and he would be leaving my presence because he had to do something he dreaded but was necessary. The way he said it chilled me to the bone. As he was leaving the restaurant he hugged me and asked if there was anything I needed to tell him.
“Yes. I love you and I want to be your wife.” I slipped off the promise ring and gave it back to him. I told him I wanted the real thing, no smoke and mirror promises for the future.
He kissed me with such passion. He turned around before he left and said; “Adios Bonita.”
The meaning of Adios Bonita never clicked in my head until I noticed two motorcycles following me after I left the restaurant. Adios Bonita is what he said to any woman he had to kill. It reminded me of my loyalty test Carlos presented the first week I moved in. At twelve midnight he woke me up with body guards and explained that the women brought before me had stolen money from him. He had me accompany his body guards to a secret basement in the house. There were several medieval torture devices in the basement. He told me to decide her death fate. I could not get out of this so I proved my loyalty by having her strapped to the rack. I listened to her screams as she was literally stretched to death by my hands. It was the first and last time I was asked to participate in discipline. It took three months for me to erase her screams from my nightmares (another s.l.i.p.) I later found out that the lady stole the equivalent of $100 worth of cocaine from him. With Carlos, justice could be swifter than any judicial system.
My whole life has been nothing but selfish living inducing pain (s.l.i.p.’s). Now I have to pay the piper. I’m not going to pray now because it’s over. I’m literally dying and thinking about all the s.l.i.p.’s I made during my lifetime. I feel like these dark spirits are grabbing at me and they won’t leave me alone. Everyday I sit here watching myself die while more of these evil spirits appear. This thing that’s smoldering on the other side of the room is getting bigger and I can feel this intense heat boiling my skin.
I look over to my body to see it convulsing and the line goes flat. Now this spirit is grabbing me and taking me down to the center of the earth and I can’t even breathe. My body feels attached from all sides and it feels like it’s going to explode from heat. I won’t tell you where I’m going because you already know.
Be careful of the s.l.i.p.’s you make because they really bite you in the end.