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So Many Questions ~ So Few Answers ~ The Cheating Spouse

Updated on October 27, 2016
Good Bye Cruel World...BOOM!
Good Bye Cruel World...BOOM! | Source

Have you never been speechless?

Tick Tock, Tick Tock. Cuckoo, Cuckoo, Two o'clock and all's just swell. Greetings lovely friends and scholars, teachers and preachers, bring your wisdom to the table and pull up a chair. We have questions to ponder and answers to give, solutions to offer and pieces of a puzzle to assemble. Don't be shy nor feel a need to hesitate. Please agree to join me in a benevolent brainstorming session. Think of this as good deed of the day by providing sage wisdom to those lovers who suffer from confusion and doubt, conundrums & choices.

Today's question comes to us from a young man who shall be nameless for now. He seems to be perplexed by a dire personal issue. Listen carefully please, for I cannot repeat his question, which is as follows: "Should I be mad that my mistress is now sleeping with a friend of mine?"

Wait one moment before you begin contemplation. There's more. This gentleman offers some additional information in an effort to help us understand. Yes, he goes on to explain that he's quite upset that his former friend has hooked up with his mistress. Further, he claims that he feels he's falling in love with her while contemplating leaving his wife for this mistress. For some self-serving reason, he adds that his mistress is from a lower economic strata than he is and she has two children he would love to step-parent. However our confused young man wonders if, under the circumstances, he would be foolish to leave his wife for this woman.

Readers, let's put our heads together and see what we come up with, in an attempt to share helpful suggestions and realistic advice to our anonymous lover boy.

Up front it seems our question might be; Can any one of us relate to this man's current predicament? Are we, in all honesty, able to muster pity or compassion for his apparent confusion? Are you unafraid to speak the unfiltered truth? You see, I warned of all the questions we'd face on this trek. I never promised they'd be easy.

A Married Man & his Mistress

Analyzing the Question

While some of you examine this question, including those who are stunned at the sheer boldness & coldness of it's words, allow me to ask another question. One that may help to begin our process of advising with care.

How old is the vice of infidelity? As old as the very beginning of humanity, perhaps? Why is it that infidelity can so readily be referred to as a vice? Who decided, when and how exactly was it determined that infidelity is a dirty word~ and even more despicable an activity?

Too many questions to weigh so rapidly in succession? I apologize. I'll slow down a bit, if you will understand there are dozens more for us to consider in detail, prior to arriving at a sensible response to the main query at hand.

If by chance, you instantly blurted out a knee-jerk response based on your own sense of morality, I will only ask that you reserve this to allow for more open discussion. Often in these cases, we can have a tendency to pull from our own past experiences. From what was for us, an excruciating period in our lives, it's difficult to be less than jaded, cynical to a fault. In defense of our shattered heart and all the others we've known who carry this pain, we're quick to feel the anger and sadness surge within. Do you recognize this happening to you when a wound you thought had healed, is ripped wide open once again? It's O.K. you know. Rest assured you are among friends. We share a demon and hate it in much the same ways.

Human beings by our very nature, however unpleasant some memories can be, we can't seem to erase them from our minds entirely. These painful memories never seem to disappear forever. What we learn to do for self-preservation is push them aside to subdue the pain and muffle the sounds. This may well be the one way we can love again or allow someone to love us.

If nothing else, I have a feeling that some of you are taken aback by the nonchalant attitude this young man seems to demonstrate in presenting his question to what could easily be thousands of individuals. I'll step up to admit that after reading his idea of a struggle in deciding his next step,I was rendered speechless for the first five or ten minutes. This doesn't happen often, though he'll not be congratulated for such a feat.

Are you busting at the seams with what you feel you'd like to say to this fella? It wouldn't be too surprising to discover that some of you too are at least a little stunned. Do you hear yourself thinking, "Is this man seriously asking for a myriad of responses to solve his outrageous situation? Are we the judgemental ones? Do we have such an open mind, we'll handle our response with a calm, logical approach? Yes, more questions.

Truest of words
Truest of words

"Those who stand for nothing, will fall for anything."

Quotes of profound inspiration like the one above uttered by Alexander Hamilton, are often what can give us the courage to state our honest opinion at a time we may be reluctant to do so. Do you fear rejection or insult from the opposition? If so my friend, be prepared to find yourself at the bottom, always being crushed by those much bolder than you are, whether they're wrong or right, malevolent or benevolent. Speak your mind in your own voice as you know it from your heart. Be sincere and confident, ready to defend or explain your belief if necessary.

We have a question before us and the plea from a young man who seeks answers from those who might oblige. I am certain of my reply. Are you willing to express your own? I can agree that often we need to be privy to much more information surrounding a scenario. There may be considerations we'd prefer to know that could direct us toward minor exceptions. When provided with none of the small print, our most sincere and rational response is all that we can give. Hopefully we'll not allow this as an excuse to remain silent, offering no option at all to be considered.

It's time I leave you with your own thoughts. I hope I provided appropriate suggestions you can use in the process without personal influence but instead genuine concern. Please know I appreciate your presence here today and thank you not only for myself but the young man who bared his soul before a crowd of strangers in anticipation of our help.

I wish you the best of health in mind, body & soul as well as limitless peace and happiness.

Repairing broken hearts. Rebuilding bonds.

© 2016 Paula


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  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 8 days ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Nell.....I think you've made much too much sense for most men!! I get the feeling they are either very clueless about women or think that playing "dumb," will excuse their bad behavior.

    Either way.....not too bright, eh Nell?? LOL

  • Nell Rose profile image

    Nell Rose 8 days ago from England

    Hiya Paula, as I said it before, if a partner cheats then he or she obviously doesn't like you any more so there is no excuse when you yell 'get the hell away from me!' and they argue! what's to argue? lol! always good to see you x

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 3 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Well Catherine...For one reason or another, it's fairly obvious that the vast majority of us have had to rid ourselves of a toxic person, detrimental relationship or simply needed freedom to breathe!

    Whatever the cause, a person's gotta do what they gotta do! Thanks for stopping by. Peace, Paula

  • CatherineGiordano profile image

    Catherine Giordano 3 months ago from Orlando Florida

    I love how you use sly humor to get your point across. I have not had much experience with cheating spouses, but my mother did. I avoided this problem by not have a spouses. (Actually, I was married for two years, but cheating is not why I divorced him.)

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 4 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Nell, Thanks for coming's good to see you. I'm doing OK, my friend. Spending quite a bit less time here on HP. Real life keeps getting in the way~~damn it anyway!! LOL......Peace, Paula

  • Nell Rose profile image

    Nell Rose 4 months ago from England

    Well my answer is that yes, he can be jealous, and what right does his friend to......okay, got ya there! lol! I had friends who went out with Xs of mine, I have done the same. get on with it young man! LOL! how you doing you okay?

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 5 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    ps....Crazy as this question seems to the normal people of this world, this man was 100% serious in his curiosity. Some people just don't ever learn how to connect the dots, Patricia! Glad to see you today!

  • pstraubie48 profile image

    Patricia Scott 5 months ago from sunny Florida

    O my...what a question ?? How silly to ask I should think...maybe he only really was looking for those who would support his feelings....who knows....interesting hub

    Angels are on the way this morning ps

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 5 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Dora...LOL!! Your answer is great~~also realistic and quite hilarious! Nothing like a simple, no nonsense Tell-it-like-it-is solution! I love you!...........LOL

  • MsDora profile image

    Dora Isaac Weithers 5 months ago from The Caribbean

    The man's question is whether he should be mad? So is he waiting for a vote? Both he and the woman need reality checks on their moral aptitude and the purpose for their relationship. Seems he should save the madness and just separate until he wakes up.

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 6 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Shyron....Well GF... In my illustrious lifetime, I too have had a special darling "EX"....I wonder sometimes, haven't we all?? Seems like a very common occurrence. Such is life and thankfully, "it goes on" despite the hurdles we encounter along the way. We strong and we do bounce back!

    Now I must go to your site and READ. Thanks for your input! Hugs, Paula

  • Shyron E Shenko profile image

    Shyron E Shenko 6 months ago from Texas

    Dear Paula, I love you too! I just saw your answer to my comment last night, but had to wait till today to respond.

    I have lived an interesting life and have met many people like these and my ex was no exception, I think I mentioned one incident in one of my hubs about accident prone children, where he (my ex) came home all bloody and he told me that a man jerked his door open and kicked him in the face. What he did not tell me until I was going to call the police was that he was parked with the man's wife.

    I knew Beverly (not her real name) in my hub "The Coors Murder or Accident?" There is a bit of truth in most of my hubs and the whole truth when it says true story.

    Blessings to you Dear Paula

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 8 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Oh Shyron, how I love you! You are so very much, my kind of woman. Honest, reasonable & upfront with "common sense." You have said it all.

    Since you saw this joker's Question and responded, you may have seen my comment to him. I was as horrified and disgusted as you are. The interesting thing was how he re-commented to me! He mentioned something to the effect, "we ALL have flaws....etc" and then he asked me what MY flaws are!

    No way I could have nor would have responded to such an ignorant question in 250 characters!

    I just laughed and thought, "Hey buddy, I'M not the one who just asked the stupidest question in the world....I'M not the one "wondering" if I should "be mad at my illicit lover for cheating with my friend.....while having a husband." ?? I must have read his question 3 times, thinking I was missing something! What pure nerve.

    But GF, the truth is, as some one has said here...there are many many people who can find it a common and acceptable occurrence. Lesson: If someone insists on doing what they want to do despite any and all consequences~~they will FIND the excuses and reasons. Some of us though, refuse to accept this.

    Frankly, what this guy deserves is that his "mistress" is happy and in love with someone else and his wife leaves him! He can start from scratch and try to get it right some day! Enjoy your Sunday sweet Shyron. P

  • Shyron E Shenko profile image

    Shyron E Shenko 8 months ago from Texas

    I have no sympathy/compassion for this man, not even if he is a sex addict that is no excuse for his infidelity to his wife.

    The wife: Even if the wife was such a bad person, why not divorce her?

    The Mistress: All depends on what she knew, if she knew he was married when she began a relationship with this boy and was under the impression he was in the process of divorcing his wife is one thing; if she did not know he was married and thought he had intentions of marrying her (but that would be another story) unless she found out and slept with his friend in retribution. But here we are talking about the man who feels he was cheated on by his mistress.

    To The Mistress I would say “If a person can’t be true to one, they can’t be true to two, or more”

    The friend: Did the friend consider the mistress available, because he knows his friend is married.

    To the Man: I would ask, did you ever love your wife? Did you only feel that you were falling in love with your mistress when you found out that she was cheating on you? Why didn’t you divorce your wife? Did you stay married so you would not (in a moment of weakness) commit to someone else?

    Don’t expect your wife, your mistress or your friend to be true to you when you can’t be true to anyone.

    I did honestly answer this man/child’s question. He wants to play with his own toy and another toy and when his friend wants to play with his toy he gets upset.

    Nice hub!......Blessings and hugs dear Paula

    P.S. Maybe the mistress has moved on to greener pastures, or a dried up field.

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 8 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Diana, So good to see you. I miss the daily interaction with my hub friends since I now spend such little time here. Sadly for those of us Hub-addicts, real life can somehow dominate our time. Hoping things will slow down for me soon and I can get back into my Hub routine.

    Yes, Diana....I have also known a few couples who have had a sort of "arrangement" within their marriage. While it can be an unacceptable situation to me and you & others who believe in fidelity, many others will claim they can "handle it." Everyone is entitled to their own lifestyle & perception of relationships/marriage. However, it still remains an issue I can't seem to understand .

    I do wonder what they "expect" from such a situation but if history is any indication, very few if any, end in true peace & happiness!

    Thanks for stopping by!.....Peace, Paula

  • teaches12345 profile image

    Dianna Mendez 8 months ago

    I know of people (men mostly) who lived their entire life married to one woman but also had a mistress on the side. Both women were aware of it and comfortable with the arrangement. The man was most happiest of all -- as you can imagine. I am not saying this is right, in fact I believe it to cause much heart ache (and it did). As you have shared, this man is now upset with the change in relationships.... what did he expect from such an arrangement? Just saying...

  • profile image

    Dorothy angie 8 months ago

    i have been married for over 11 years now, me and my wife met in the church many years before we started dating and we had a loving relationship until my wife started acting strange by getting very angry over little issues,coming home very late, refusing to spend time with me... I was then introduced to some professional hackers who helped me hacked her phone's texts and calls so I got to understand what she has been going through.I already promised to get them more customers as they offer lots of hacking services, you can contact them on Tell them it's from dorothy

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 8 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Maria....Sometimes we simply need to take a break from the heavy traffic we crawl through daily, that for the most part we have zero control over but must deal with anyway.

    It's a relief to pull off to the side of the road for a while and get into the nitty-gritty of day to day sagas & issues about which we might just have experience and something worthwhile to say. (or not!)

    Take care over the "Bewitching week-end" as those Ninja Turtles, pirates & Super Heroes come begging at our door! :) Effer

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 8 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    pop.....LMAO!! You crack me up! Thanks. Humor is something very priceless in our particular U.S. environment. Peace.

  • marcoujor profile image

    Maria Jordan 8 months ago from Jeffersonville PA

    Arriving late is more than fashionable with you, dear Paula.

    These comments show you to be a born facilitator - with a range of subjects to ponder from the ridiculous to the sublime.

    Now this...the height of 'ridiculous' - hands (where I can see them, young man)... preferably dialing RU4- REAL for the paddy wagon.

    Loving YOU and all you do, Maria

  • breakfastpop profile image

    breakfastpop 8 months ago

    I'm thinking that they all deserve each other. None of them are invited to the Inn!

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 8 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Penny... Thank you so much for your very rational, nicely worded & fair-minded comment. You have said what so many people feel about this issue.

    If we lived in an ideal world.....BIG IF....there would be fewer broken lives, single-parent households and most of all, not so many devastated men & women.

    I appreciate your visit. Stop by anytime. Peace, Paula

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 8 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    hey nice to see you! It's been so long. Hope all is well with you!

    After I wrote this, I was reading an older magazine in the Dentist office about "infidelity." It was really shocking. There was a team of Drs, counselors & Attorneys who stated that the current divorce rate in the U.S. is off the charts with the number one factor being unfaithful spouses....then money.....then in-law struggles....and then "other."

    Seems like such a mess. Yet people keep marrying by the hundreds each day....& divorcing the next, the way it looks!

    The worst (saddest) statistic in this particular article was that according to the latest data (at the time).....we have 20% MORE children being raised in single-parent households than with both of their parents. That is something (I think) we should be ashamed of....but it is the way it is. People will always be HUMAN...LOL

    Thanks for stopping by. Peace, Paula

  • Penny Sebring profile image

    Penny Sebring 8 months ago from Fort Collins

    Ok- so here is my opinion. For those who have said, or are thinking, that we do not understand his predicament because maybe he wanted kids and she didn't, or honestly any other reason. There is a way to deal with that. It's called either compromise or divorce. I generally prefer the compromise department. It is not, never should be, ever, step out and cheat on your spouse. There is a reason it's called cheating, it is despicable, be an honest person and keep your promises or you can't expect anyone else to do the same for you.

    To the mistress, I have no idea if she knew, but my guess is if she is dating his best friend... she knows now. My advice to her is to stop dating married men. When I was around 19 I dated a married man for a month or two before I came to my senses. He very well may have moved on, I don't even remember his name, and I have no idea what happened to his marriage, but my ability to trust in anyone, even myself, was irreparably damaged. I still regret it. For anyone who is contemplating becoming someone's mistress is, just don't. It's not worth the pain.

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 8 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Peg... I know that many women are duped into thinking (or believing) the man they are dating & possibly falling in love with, is not married. This game is played as long as possible. Doesn't anyone realize that eventually your lies catch up with you? Then there are several people crushed on both sides. Families busted and hearts broken. All for what? $ex? I must be missing something.

    Amber Frey (remember Scott Peterson's lovely blonde he was lying to?)

    She came forward when she saw the NEWS on TV of Lacey missing with Scott's big old face on the screen. That case was certainly a very huge case of much more than infidelity. Sad, so sad....a beautiful young woman and her baby she carried to the term of 8 months, murdered and dumped in the ocean.

    I don't get it Peg, but I know this sort of issue has existed forever & will never come to an end. Human Nature. Period.

    Thanks for visiting. I appreciate your comment.

  • HoneyBB profile image

    Honey Halley 8 months ago from Illinois

    Hi Paula, I read this and I instantly thought of the movie 9 to 5 with Dolly Parton. I have a fear of my response because I don't want to assume anything that could hurt somebody else. With that said, if I was in this predicament, I hope that someone would tell me to step back and do some soul searching. Take a break from the spouse and the mistress and go back in time to resolve the issues from within. Examine what it is I want for myself and who it is I want to be. Do I want to be somebody who could bring such pain to another human being? If not, then do everything I can to prevent that from happening. If that means having open, honest relationships with multiple people or having a monogamous relationship with one. It's the betrayal of trust that hurts the most so the important thing is to be honest.

  • PegCole17 profile image

    Peg Cole 8 months ago from Dallas, Texas

    I find it ludicrous that this guy is surprised (angry, outraged or dumbfounded) that his mistress is cheating on him. Um, look who's talking. The question is, why would his mistress ever marry him knowing that he cheated on his first wife. Could she feel confident he would not cheat again? Never.

    If she is single, her folly is falling for some guy who is already married. And believe me, sometimes it's not the woman's fault. Let's just say a "friend" of mine fell for a wonderful, prosperous, handsome guy who spoke about his ex-wife from time to time. Turns out he made the mistake one evening while out with his new love interest, my "friend" and said something about his brother-in-law.

    She said, "You mean, your ex-brother-in-law, don't you?"

    He said, "Well.....not exactly." As it turns out he never filed for divorce. So who's to blame that he has a "mistress"? The wife would say it's the mistress' fault. While the mistress would say she had been duped. There are always two sides to a story.

    As far as the friend goes, the woman is fair game if she's not married already. Although, it is admittedly in poor taste to date one's best friend's lover.

    Great question and interesting answers, dear Paula.

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 8 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Hey Ruby girl....Yes, Lorena is a really old story and most people have long forgotten. Oh....well, except for one guy~~he probably thinks of her every single minute of every single day.....LOL.

    I like your suggestions for different scenarios. It's quite true that we don't really know "why" a man might find it necessary to keep a Mistress..

    other than the few facts that he's a cheater, liar, ego-maniac, hornier than the average sexual predator, thinks he DESERVES more than one woman at a time, wants the convenience of a personal slave plus a HOttie on the side, has no respect for himself or his wife, is going thru a middle-aged crisis, is too much of a coward to be honest, & doesn't want the effort or expense of a divorce.

    Yeah, other than those things, there are a whole lot of other reasons! LOL.....And you know, you're right, why should he dump a good friend, just because he spent a moment of passion with the Mistress? Was he foolish enough to think HE was her only lover??! Silly silly guy! I love your visits, Ruby. :)

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 8 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    SFAM....Thank you for your very Sunshine-like comment. I always count on you for the 1-2-3 common sense...this is the way it IS, people! Hello, wake up! My kind of woman, GF.

    I've always thought that a man who believes he may have a wife & a mistress is having the delusion he's just "too much man" for one little woman. So, it stands to reason, he needs to be knocked down a size or two.....and speaking of Lorena, I guess that's where she comes into the picture? Yikes. Men, wear your athletic cups!

  • always exploring profile image

    Ruby Jean Fuller 8 months ago from Southern Illinois

    OMG, I haven't thought of Lorena Bobbitt in years! First let me say, ' Walk a mile in his shoes. ' It could be that his wife hates the thought of having kids and he loves the children of his mistress. It could be that his wife is lousy in the love making department and his mistress is a hotie. Now I'll spill the beans! Any woman who lowers herself to have an affair with a married man is a sleaze. His mistress cheating with his best friend is the saddest part of this saga. Friends are precious, to lose one over him cheating with his mistress tops it off as the most ridiculous plea for advice I've ever heard. Just sayin'.

  • Sunshine625 profile image

    Linda Bilyeu 8 months ago from Orlando, FL

    Haha! What a silly man and silly question. He is pondering if he should be mad at his mistress. Hmmm, what goes around comes around. It's as simple as that. He obviously isn't very bright, I suggest that the mistress finds herself a smarter mister, preferably one that isn't married. Sisters should never ever mess with someone else's mister. She is no better than him. (Fun article!)

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 8 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Shan.....Yes, Karma certainly can be a Bitch....but oh what a wonderful bitch she is to rely on! Saves a whole lot of needless wear & tear on our psyches when we know the rat will soon find the cheese that's been poisoned! LOL I've never seen it fail. It's just a matter of time.

    I hope this poor poor confused man can get on with his life!

    It might be nice of him to find a woman he won't tire of, cheat on and lie to. Ya know, just a "suggestion." LOL

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 8 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    F.A.....You get to the heart of the matter! You are 100% correct. I wonder why he didn't think of this himself?? LOL. Well, OK, maybe we do know why he doesn't do this. I hope he takes your sound, wise advice, F.A. If we never hear from him again, we'll know how his wife handled it! LOL.........Have a great day. You're one smart woman!

  • shanmarie profile image

    Shannon 8 months ago from Texas

    The question was "should I be mad. . ." and perhaps that question should be "do I have a right to be mad?" Because what no one else has pointed out is that people just feel what they feel and that's that. When it comes to emotions, they aren't always rational. it's not necessarily wrong to feel one way or another. So he loves her and he's jealous. Perhaps from a logical, psychological perspective it just is what it is and nothing unnatural about feeling that way. But from a moral perspective, does he have a moral right to feel that way? The knee jerk reaction is hell no! He wouldn't have found himself in that predicament if he hadn't stepped out on someone. Karma's a bitch.

  • FlourishAnyway profile image

    FlourishAnyway 8 months ago from USA

    He needs to confess his betrayal of his vows to his wife and let her answer his question.

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 8 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Oh...BTW, Jodah...I did not merely "come up" with this outrageous situation. This is an actual question in our Q&A section.....I CHOSE to write a hub about it, just to calm myself......LMAO!

    I appreciate that you thought I may have been "clever?" enough to create this dilemma.....Clever, I can be, yes.....delusional, NO! LOL This guy smokes something that I don't.

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 8 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Sha...LMAO..needless to say, I LOVE your comment. Were this a Q&A, no doubt you'd be BEST ANSWER. I'm sure I didn't even need to tell you this. We seem to understand the same things with much the same attitude. We could actually form a partnership company "Bag'em & Curb'em".....You catch him cheating, we do the rest!....

    We could retire in luxury within less than a year, girlfriend!! Love ya, P.

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 8 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Dashing....I expected you to recognize this question as I saw you on his thread using your usual incomparable common sense. Your steadiness and fairness always impresses. You're great at remaining cool no matter how outrageous the issue. That must be the best, safest & healthiest way to be under all circumstances. I don't know and can assure you, I never will! LOL....Yes, yes, just like a woman!. I know. Thank you, P.

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 8 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Aries Sister....You are always the thinker, always fair...and careful to weigh all sides. Just the perfect personality to give solid, honest and helpful advice. No wonder we all love you so much! I thank you for stopping by. Take care of my good friend Martie! Love ya, P.

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 8 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    MzB....Your response is a masterpiece! You have put this in the very best light, although this stupid man cannot see anyway. Such sharp foresight you possess! I almost began to feel sorry for the poor schmuck! NOT!

    I sure as hell hope Mr. B is an Angel. He better be! LOL. I love your mind! You make all wives proud.

    Thank You for sharing your prediction! P.

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 8 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Jodah. I have to believe you missed your true calling. I don't know what they call it in Australia, but here it's an Appeal's Court Judge!...LOL....Any man would feel quite safe appearing before you, Your Honor! Thanks for stopping by to straighten this guy's mess out.....and confuse us more? LOL

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 8 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Mike, I'm sure it's ice cold and seriously deep. I suspect even Michael Phelps would not attempt to swim these waters. You show your wisdom with a simple comment. Thanks! P

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 8 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Oh dear bro, but you DID answer this question. I might add in your brilliant concise manner, you did it with one perfect term. Dickwad.

    I'm sure I needn't rattle off my opinion. I wouldn't burn up my bro's eyes at this hour!.....Point well spoken, bill! Love ya, Sis

  • bravewarrior profile image

    Shauna L Bowling 8 months ago from Central Florida

    Paula, I'm two weeks behind in my reading and am trying to catch up by reading up from the oldest posts. But when I got notification that my good friend and fellow hellionette had posted something new, I had to jump ahead.

    So, here's my take: this guy's question is ludicrous! A man who cheats has no right to put restrictions on others, including those who are party to his activity.

    Are the mistress and his best friend single? If so, they're doing nothing wrong. They're not breaking vows. They're not breaking trust. They're not discounting the deep, emotional, personal sanction of love. They're not metaphorically slapping their spouses in the face.

    The "young man", as you call him needs to do some soul searching - and in the mirror (if he can truly look himself in the eyes). Obviously, his vows mean nothing to him. His wife means nothing to him. His mistress is a notch on the bed post and probably nothing more. But, too many people who want to have their cake and eat it too, don't believe what's good for the gander is good for the goose.

    He either needs to make a firm decision to make his marriage work, love his wife, and feed the relationship with love, kindness and respect - or get off the pot so he can shit wherever he pleases.

    Don't pull other lives into your indiscretions and absolutely don't call the kettle black! He has no right.

    Hey, "young man"! Remember Lorena Bobbitt??

  • dashingscorpio profile image

    dashingscorpio 8 months ago

    I remember this question. The guy also states the mistress has two children while he has none.

    I suspect he never had any "real plans" to leave his wife for his mistress and become an "instant family". Truth be told the goal of most cheaters is to hold onto all that is "good" in their primary relationship while they address their other "needs" on the side.

    Very few cheaters are looking to replace one relationship with another. Their goal is to "compliment" what they already have. They want it all!

    I suspect there are two possible things going on.

    The mistress got tired of waiting around and decided she would do something to piss him off that might cause him to "step up to the plate".

    He's upset not only over the fact that every time he sees her he'll think about his former friend having her but it's also proof she's not "in love".

    And yet (he) has no ground to stand on since he is still with his wife.

    I suppose many people in affairs "romanticize" their situation because there are "obstacles" which keep them from being together.

    (Life is so cruel: I met "the right woman" at the "wrong time".)

  • MartieCoetser profile image

    Martie Coetser 8 months ago from South Africa

    Hi Paula, my opinion is the same as Jodah's. I think even a man who believes in 'open' relaionships may find it difficult to come to terms with the fact that his mistress is sleeping with his best friend. Considering leaving his wife for the mistress, and to be a father for her children, must be the manifestation of a very poor/low self-esteem and a desperate need to be someone's hero. Aparently his wife doesn't give him the oportunity to be hers. Or perhaps he is somewhat retarded. But let's assume he is a nice guy with a soft heart, and his wife is a wicket witch, i would say the mistress doesn't deserve him. Let him divorce his wife if he is not happy, and find someone who will be true to him and to him alone. And this is my honest opinion.

  • MizBejabbers profile image

    MizBejabbers 8 months ago

    Paula, you can come up with some real goodies! And I mean that as a compliment. So, let me play Dear Abby for the day. To the (young?) man I would say, "Forgive your friend and forget him. Yes, by all means leave your wife for the woman you 'love'."

    Now here’s why I would give such an answer. I believe in Karma, so it won’t be long before SHE (being the mistress) leaves him for someone else. Now this rapscallion, having given up the woman who really loves him and bore his children, custody of his children, the house, the best car, and a big portion of his bank account finds himself all alone. Unless he was filthy rich, he is probably near destitute with large child support payments, a 10-year-old Chevy Blazer that’s rusting out, and his own small cramped apartment in not nearly as nice a neighborhood. Maybe that’s why mistress leaves him for someone else with money.

    He has lost the respect of his friends and coworkers who know what he did and who sympathize with his wife. That is, with the exception of two of his drinking buddies who are just that because he “always” buys the most rounds. When the money dries up, they strangely disappear until next payday. He gets so depressed that he loses his chances for a promotion, you know, the one that would have made him a partner. Oh, well, that’s ok because the overweight bleached blond in the mailroom still adores him.

    Meanwhile, ex-wifey poo buys herself some new glad rags with her windfall and goes to her high school reunion where she meets her old junior high flame who just happens to be unattached. He is also a financial analyst who is a self-made multi-millionaire. He dries her tears; they fall in love and marry. After a romantic honeymoon in Spain (throughout which the kids stay with dad in his dump complaining constantly), she and the kids move to the Colorado Rockies with new hubby and spend the winter skiing. When the young un’s aren’t being homeschooled by a private tutor that is. Sooo. Leave her, man, by all means, leave her! Forgive your friend because who knows, you may need him someday.

  • Jodah profile image

    John Hansen 8 months ago from Queensland Australia

    As with Bill, I found this a totally surprising hub that you came up with Paula. You said you had been suffering a bad case of writers lock and I suggested you just write about any old stuff. Well you certainly did that :) now for the anonymous young guys question, and my advice. Instead of being mad with his mistress for cheating on him with his best friend (after all that is what mistresses do ..cheat) he should be mad with his best friend.

    Saying that, if he is even considering leaving his wife for a mistress who is cheating on him already..he needs his head read. In fact he may get what he deserves....let him leave his wife, then his mistress leaves him and he is left with no one.

    We don't know the background story however, maybe his wife was cheating. If he has a best friend that shows him so little respect as to cheat on his friend's mistress maybe he is also cheating with his wife behind his back? Now, I may be making this scenario even more complicated but it has to be considered.

    I'd be interested to hear the advice you'd give in this instance Dr Paula. Interesting hub.

  • mckbirdbks profile image

    mckbirdbks 8 months ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

    Oh, man, that water looks cold. It looks deep also.

  • billybuc profile image

    Bill Holland 8 months ago from Olympia, WA


    I'm not sure what to say to this, Sis! I find myself temporarily at a loss for words. The question is so ludicrous and I don't know what to do with it.

    Let me be diplomatic for one of the few times in my life. One of the truths I've learned during my 68 years is that human beings will never fail to amaze me, and I mean that in a good sense and the worst. Just when I think I've seen, or heard, it all, along comes someone like this dickwad and I'm flummoxed all over again.

    And with that I bid farewell, Sis!

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