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So, You Think You Want a Drama-Free Relationship?

Updated on November 11, 2011

Kimberly 'Kiki' Camp

HIs online Profile says 'Seeking Drama-Free Woman', this has become the new 'Red Flag'

At some point 'drama' has obviously became the new buzz-word, bringing with it terms like 'drama-free' and 'drama queen'. Like any other buzzword, it has become ridiculously over-used. It seems it has become the 'word of choice' for any conflict regardless of how big or small. An observation I made recently has proven itself true, the majority of those who say the 'hate drama' are the biggest drama creators. I hear it daily, 'I hate drama' is often posted as a Facebook status or 'I'm getting rid of the drama in my life'. What does this really mean and why do the same people who seem to create drama claim to hate drama? Could it be they hate drama because it is always present in their life by their own actions?

His profile reads "Seeking Drama Free Woman", we say "skip"

Scrolling through online dating profiles, my friends and I noted a large amount of men stating in their profile headline, 'seeking drama free relationship' or 'drama free woman'. When we see this on a man's profile, we immediately skip. What we hear is 'I don't want to work to achieve a relationship', 'I don't want to try to understand' and 'I make women lose their minds with my unwillingness to communicate'. So, placing 'No drama, please' in your dating profile has become the new 'red flag' in dating. We see it as a possible sign this man is unwilling to accept fault or resolve conflict by honesty and working on a relationship. So, you don't feel this is fair? Is it any less fair than labeling every woman who speaks her mind and demands respect and honesty as a 'drama queen'?

In it's original meaning, I believe the term 'drama queen' was used to describe someone who is an attention-seeker. A dramatic person is loud, obnoxious, confrontational and unreasonable. A drama-queen/king is a person who does not consider there is another perspective and who is unwilling to accept blame. This person will easily 'fly off the handle', make irrational decisions, involve others in the conflict and even attempt to recruit a team to side with them. These are the friends on the phone within minutes of a conflict recruiting someone to 'side' with them and often distort the facts. A drama-queen/king believes the current issue is of significance to everyone and will stop at nothing to prove they are right and when all else fails may resort to loud sobs to gain sympathy. Gossipers would be an ideal candidate for the label. They talk about everyone's business and feel the world should know - to be the center of attention because they know all there is to know about everyone.. In that sense, I believe most of us truly do want a 'drama-free' life. However, if your life is constantly filled with that which you label as drama, perhaps it's time to consider your own contribution to confusion. Relationships without conflict is an unrealistic expectation.

So, how has 'Seeking Drama Free Woman' become the new 'Red Flag'? When we see this in your profile, we take into consideration it may be for the following reasons: (Don't shoot the messenger, this is for your consideration)

1) You are a non communicator. The woman makes an attempt to discuss her feelings, you shut down completely unwilling to discuss or acknowledge the problem. You accuse her of being overly sensitive. She is very frustrated you will not validate her feelings. She gets louder to be heard. Her verbal frustration is labeled as 'drama'. Women need to be heard when something feels wrong. She needs to know you are willing to compromise to prevent these bad feelings from recurring. If you will make no attempt to listen and make remarks such as, 'you're over-reacting' , 'you're just being crazy', 'this is immature', the result will be an emotional reaction. You label this incorrectly as drama.

2) You are disrespectful. (particularly regarding members of the opposite sex in that you blatantly flirt and toss her to the side when someone more attractive shows up). Maybe you make overly sexist remarks that belittle women. You spend too much time trying to make her jealous of the attention you give other women than you do giving her attention. You will aggravate the green monster and label this incorrectly as drama.

3) You are a man of mixed messages: A man who says one thing and his actions reveal another. Mixed messages lead to conflict and confusion. I have witnessed men tell woman all the sweet things, introduce them to family & friends, then tell everyone you are 'just friends'. Guys, this leads to heightened conflict which many now refer to as drama. Save yourself the drama and be honest in all your dealings.

4) You play games: We all know the 'pleasant withdrawal' games. You don't return text for days or return phone calls and when her emotional buttons get pressed, you claim 'I was busy' or 'I don't keep my phone up my *&/' (yes, I have heard this one). The latest form of ''withdrawal' games include 'Facebook absence'. We see men shower other women with attention; 'liking' their statuses, being flirtatious, 'liking' pics & then intentionally ignoring their 'love interest' (even when they post directly on their wall). We are not this naïve; it angers us that you are trying to manipulate our emotions. It may achieve your goal to pull her in for the moment, but eventually, when we try to 'call you' on it, you call it 'drama'.

5) You simply defines normal conflict resolution as drama. If the slightest conflict is considered drama, you probably do not want a true, meaningful relationship which requires work. In a relationship, the elimination of conflict grows as you learn more about each other. Typically, it follows a pattern, a natural flow. As you date someone, a bad feeling may arise. If it doesn't feel right to you, it should be addressed honestly. Telling someone how it made you feel without attacking them should not be labeled as drama.

6) You are simply a drama creator without realizing it. If you refer to every woman you date as 'crazy' or a 'drama-queen', we assume you are pushing her buttons for any of the above reasons. If every woman you dated is a 'drama-queen', you may be a jerk.

Again, don't shoot the messenger. Of course, there are men and women alike who thrive on conflict, confrontation and drama. We do understand that many men truly mean they do not want 'drama' as defined earlier in the definition. Learn to recognize the difference in honest conflict resolution and a person who wants to pull everyone into the situation. But, also, take a moment to just consider if you say you 'hate drama', it may be because you are creating a bit of drama with your own communication skills, lack of honesty or unwillingness to work through conflict.

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      denise walker 2 years ago

      Thank you for clarifying wat always seems to b like u say . And accordance to one tht is loyal and honest. To their elders and family.

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      Beckybeth 3 years ago

      You nailed it! I thought I was the crazy one....

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      ACE 5 years ago

      Great article!!

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      Lee 5 years ago

      As one of those women who 'skip' the men with this in their profile... Well said