- Gender and Relationships
In Love With a Sociopath?
Do you have a sociopath in your life?
Are you in love with a sociopath? Sociopaths can ruin your life. Do you have a sociopath in your life?
I am speaking to the single mom who desperately needs a partner, both emotionally and financially. To the lonely teenager wanting someone to be close to. To the widow who misses sharing her life with a male companion. To the young man who wishes he had a beautiful girl to take out and show off to his friends. To the older man who is flattered by the attention and availability of a much younger woman.
And even to the happy, socially adept person who isn’t looking for companionship but suddenly finds the most wonderful person out of the blue; someone who may be too good to be true.
The hubpage http://hubpages.com/hub/THE-PSYCHOPATH-NEXT-DOOR contains a list of traits that you can use as a check list when considering your new girlfriend or boyfriend. Please check it out, print it out, and really think about and analyze your new acquaintance’s personality before you take things further.
The problem that we see time and time again is that people do not research the term sociopath until they are already entangled with one. If only we could get the word out so that you would do your research BEFORE you fall in love with one. Once you become entangled with a sociopath, you will be left destitute and heartbroken and then you will take them back again!
The point I am making is that many sociopaths don't attract the attention of law enforcement and the justice system, so they are never actually registered, or formally counted, as a sociopath.
From my experience and based on the comments on this article, there are many more sociopaths in the general population than previously believed.
When you embark upon a new relationship, give yourself some time. With time, the symptoms start to appear. The first tiny cracks in the façade show up.
It is typical, when you get involved with a sociopath, that they want to rush things, they want you to move in together, they want to combine finances ... Imagine how much better it will be if you do not allow the relationship to become intimate just yet.
There are many stories out there, from both female and male victims, from people of all ages and circumstances, about how difficult it is to dislodge a sociopath from your life. Think how much easier it will be for you if you do not allow them to gain control, to worm their way into your affections, your social circle, and your home.
In the beginning it is easy, even exciting and rewarding up to a point, to get caught up in the drama that a sociopath generates. They are often upset and angry and full of stories about their ex who is a psychopath (they say), their boss who treats them unfairly, co-workers who lie about them, ex-friends who betrayed them, and family members who shut them out or try to steal from them. They make lots of phone calls and text messages and draw you deeper into their world.
They can be charming, funny, witty, sexy, and appear to be loving and caring. But the attention is always turned back to what they want, what they need, what they will have, due to their narcissistic view of themselves and their mind-boggling sense of entitlement.
An example is the sociopathic entrepreneur who feels that his abilities, combined with your money, will enable him to rise above the herd and become wildly successful. When this doesn’t work out, it’s never his fault. He shows no concern for the devastation his actions have caused, and places the blame squarely upon others. If he is temporarily successful, he usually blows through money in a short time and has a tendency to brag about his accomplishments.
If you are useful to the sociopath, he or she will remain connected to you. They may view you as a possession. They want access to your money, your home, and your relationships with others. They sometimes isolate you from your friends and drive a wedge between you and your friends by mocking them and putting them down. They tend to be unappreciative of what you do for them, minimizing your contributions and always wanting more.
While some sociopaths commit crimes, most of them simply go through life creating havoc and taking what they want. They usually engage in a series of casual sexual relationships. Each one begins with a high sense of hope and dramatic displays of feeling. Over time, the careful observer will note that these dramas are short-lived and lacking in depth. Series of sexual relationships, job-hopping, many career changes and location changes all feed their need for excitement.
Their credit history may reveal the irresponsibility of the sociopath. The empty promises to pay child support, the unpaid credit card debts, the personal loans never repaid, all contribute to the overall picture that emerges.
Some sociopaths have a quick temper and engage in impulsive acts that leave others puzzled. The sociopath may quit without notice, constantly change plans, break off a friendship, and move to another state, and leave children, friends, co-workers, and family members damaged in the aftermath.
This behavior has roots in childhood and the sociopath takes full advantage of that, constantly retelling the story of his dysfunctional family to engage you. These stories elicit your sympathy and awaken in you the desire to make things better.
Just recognize the hardest thing, that there is NOTHING you can do to change this person.
I repeat, you cannot change this person.
You can pour your love, your sympathy, your caring, your time, and your money into this relationship, and you can sacrifice your other relationships, and NOTHING will change this person. Please recognize that -- the earlier in the relationship you figure this out, the safer it will be for you. If the sociopath has already damaged you, forgive him or her, but move on.
Therapy cannot help a sociopath to change. In fact, it is widely believed that therapy actually makes a sociopath worse! They are not able to connect to the therapist. They are not going to tell the therapist the truth; therefore, the therapist is not working with full knowledge and cannot be effective. The sociopath, however, feels even more empowered than before, since he or she is fooling a professional, feeding them a warped description of their life events, and enjoying their full attention.
Unfortunately, if a member of your family is a sociopath, I don’t have any advice for you although I wish whole-heartedly that I did. When there are complicated ties, such as children or elderly parents, it is difficult to distance yourself from such a family member. A sociopath usually damages the entire family.
One can only hope for some outside influence that will change the dynamics of the relationship. If the sociopath comes into a lot of money it will provide a natural means of putting physical distance between you since they won’t need you any longer. However, if you are the one who comes into a lot of money, it will make the situation worse, since sociopaths are drawn to money.
Hoping that the person will change and continually looking for some kindness and empathy from that person is the most likely state of mind of a family member, but that change -- that kindness -- that empathy -- never comes. The sociopath usually continues to cause pain throughout the relationship up to the bitter end. It’s a sad chronic affliction and there is no cure.
Some highly intelligent or charismatic psychopaths and sociopaths ply their trade on a broader scale; they percolate up into the top strata of society; they become politicians, investment counselors, or captains of industry and attempt to rule us and/or take all our money.
Here's an interesting take on this problem: Parasitic relationships! http://ehealer.hubpages.com/hub/Signs-that-You-are-in-a-Parasitic-Relationship
Here's a good article that highlights one way to spot a sociopath; they are often bored, and they generate drama to relieve their boredom. They create problems where none exist and pick fights just for entertainment! It is my opinion that they enter into self-induced manic-depressive states to relieve their chronic boredom.
Remember the classic tactics of the sociopath: Their behavior has a name and an acronym- DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
Comments, cautionary tales? I posted a link to this hubpage on a message board, and every poster who commented knew at least one sociopath. They offered their stories which all corroborated my conclusions about how tough it is to rid your life of one.
Please be careful in your choices, and tell me your stories.
1/27/13 -- Oh my -- does anyone here watch "Vanderpump Rules" on Bravo? Jax - Sur bartender - is he the poster boy for the definition of a Sociopath? He has sex with the girl friend of his best friend of 10 years, and he feels no remorse? Wow. Then he repeatedly lies and denies it. He stares directly into the camera and states that he feels no remorse. The girlfriend clearly has issues, and obviously she owed her boyfriend fidelity, but I'm talking about Jax. I'm just shocked. His narcissistic tendencies have been clear all along, but after tonight's episode, I'm upgrading him.
“Some people don’t love you, they don’t even care about you. They just want to stay connected to you. They love the benefits, so they do the minimal … a little phone call here and there, just checkin’ in, thinkin’ about you, etc. What they are really doing is: maintainin’ a connection, so when they need you, they still have a way in.” (I'm not sure who to credit this to; it's out there on the internet in several places.)