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Sometimes it's not Them. It's You.

Updated on September 21, 2016

"If they didn't see how wonderful you were, then they don't deserve you."

Have you ever heard someone say this to you. I have, many times growing up. Throughout my teen years when I would feel crushed that a guy either didn't like me back or the relationship didn't work out, I would hear the same types of things from my mom, relatives, and many of my girl friends.

"He just doesn't see how special you are."

"That guy is so dumb if he doesn't like you."

"He doesn't know what he's missing."

"You deserve the best!"

"What's wrong with him?" and of course,

"He doesn't deserve you."

Now, I can really only speak from a woman's perspective here, but I'm guessing it probably happens on the guys side too.

I understand that the women in my life were just trying to build me back up from being crushed by a guy who had no interest in me. However, now that I'm older and look back, I wonder why most of them didn't just tell me,

"Sorry it didn't work out."

What made me so special that he didn't deserve me? Why was he dumb for not wanting to be with me? Why was he missing anything without me? Why was it the guy's fault that he didn't like me back or the relationship didn't work out?

Seriously though, what made me so special? I'm just like everyone else.

Sure, what they said to me, made me feel better, but looking back, you could say that it inflated my ego too. I guess you could say that I started to think that it wasn't ever me. Instead, it was always them.

Now that I'm much older and married, I can laugh at my younger self. I can also honestly say to myself that it was probably me most of the time, not them. No one is perfect and I was far from it. I was the girl in middle school who would leave creepy notes in my crush's shoes that read "I love your blue eyes." I was the girl who called guys stupid if they weren't into me in high school and would be nice to your face, but talk behind girl's backs. I was the girl that acted like I was so much better than others because all this time I was told that I deserved the best. I was like Regina George from the movie Mean Girls.

So yeah, it was probably me.

For a long time I thought that I was single because I held my standards so high, but now, I think that I was just single for so long because I wasn't that nice. It wasn't until I took a good look at myself that I found love. It took me a while to change and even still to this day I'm working on it because I don't think I'll ever get to a point where I'm perfect. My husband and I never really fight, which I think shocks some people. But I think that we both just understand who we are and we've come to a place in our lives that we like who we are. We have the same values and dreams. We respect each other and support each other. I'm glad that I had the chance to work on myself before I had met such a wonderful person.

Now I'm not saying that the other person is perfect, but that sometimes it is us. I know it sucks to come to that realization and to have to sit down and deeply reflect on ourselves. I also think it's a blessing in disguise too though. I was lucky enough to realize this early on in college. I know of some people who don't realize it until they're in their 40's, 50's or even 60's.

I'm sorry to say this to my relatives and girlfriends, but I disagree. I don't think I deserve the best until I've proven that I actually have something wonderful to offer to that other someone and not something toxic.

There is nothing that automatically makes me deserve the best and you know what? That's okay. I would've rather someone rejected me, or a relationship didn't work out for reasons other than if I wasn't a great person.

I don't think that anyone should feel discouraged if they realize that they're the problem. How can you fix anything if you don't even know there's a problem right? Like I said before, it's a blessing in disguise and I think, more than anything, finally coming to this realization truly opens a door to help us do better.

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    • ian 12am profile image

      Ian Batanda 

      17 months ago

      For a long time (while growing up), I had similar concerns in my mind about statements like "he doesn't deserve you" and so forth. As a young man, I just couldn't understand it.

      For some reason girls were portrayed as little angels and that one had to do everything possible to deserve them. It's only after growing up and going on a few dates that I realized they aren't as angelic as we're made to believe.

      I actually realized that many of them didn't actually deserve me. Not because I was any more special than they were, but because they actually weren't offering as much as I was.

      False reassurances are misleading and only nurse Egos. Girls and boys need to be told the truth right from the start.

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      2 years ago

      Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.

      Nevertheless rejection and fear of rejection are a part of life.

      Whenever we don't get the results we want the easiest thing to do is host a "pity party" with friends who will tell us everything we (want) to hear.

      The truth of the matter is when it comes to love and relationships most of us (fail our way) to success. Rarely does someone hit a homerun their first, second, or third time up at bat.

      Another common mistake we make during our youth is we actually believe we have met our "soul-mate" at ages 16, 17, 21, or whatever. Oftentimes the reality is we have to figure out who (we) are let alone what we want and need in a mate for life.

      We allow "impulsive connections" and "happenstance" to dictate our relationship choices. It's the equivalent of going shopping without a list!

      Having unrealistic expectations is another cause for heartache.

      Any woman in her late teens and early 20s who believes that guys in that age range are looking to settle down, get married, have children, take out a 30 year mortgage ....etc is setting herself up for heartbreak.

      The last thing a young guy wants is to become his parents!

      The average 20 something year old guy wants to drink/party with friends, watch sports, play video games, and get laid.

      In the U.S. the average person loses their virginity at age 17.

      The average age a of a (first time) bride is 27 and the average age of a (first time) groom is 29. Essentially they will have over 10 years of sexual experience and odds are that will not be with just one person.

      Having said that: In order for him/her to be "the one" they would have had to see (you) as being "the one". All relationships will have their challenges but at the very least the two people involved should want one another.


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