Sometimes it's not Them. It's You.
"If they didn't see how wonderful you were, then they don't deserve you."
Have you ever heard someone say this to you. I have, many times growing up. Throughout my teen years when I would feel crushed that a guy either didn't like me back or the relationship didn't work out, I would hear the same types of things from my mom, relatives, and many of my girl friends.
"He just doesn't see how special you are."
"That guy is so dumb if he doesn't like you."
"He doesn't know what he's missing."
"You deserve the best!"
"What's wrong with him?" and of course,
"He doesn't deserve you."
Now, I can really only speak from a woman's perspective here, but I'm guessing it probably happens on the guys side too.
I understand that the women in my life were just trying to build me back up from being crushed by a guy who had no interest in me. However, now that I'm older and look back, I wonder why most of them didn't just tell me,
"Sorry it didn't work out."
What made me so special that he didn't deserve me? Why was he dumb for not wanting to be with me? Why was he missing anything without me? Why was it the guy's fault that he didn't like me back or the relationship didn't work out?
Seriously though, what made me so special? I'm just like everyone else.
Sure, what they said to me, made me feel better, but looking back, you could say that it inflated my ego too. I guess you could say that I started to think that it wasn't ever me. Instead, it was always them.
Now that I'm much older and married, I can laugh at my younger self. I can also honestly say to myself that it was probably me most of the time, not them. No one is perfect and I was far from it. I was the girl in middle school who would leave creepy notes in my crush's shoes that read "I love your blue eyes." I was the girl who called guys stupid if they weren't into me in high school and would be nice to your face, but talk behind girl's backs. I was the girl that acted like I was so much better than others because all this time I was told that I deserved the best. I was like Regina George from the movie Mean Girls.
So yeah, it was probably me.
For a long time I thought that I was single because I held my standards so high, but now, I think that I was just single for so long because I wasn't that nice. It wasn't until I took a good look at myself that I found love. It took me a while to change and even still to this day I'm working on it because I don't think I'll ever get to a point where I'm perfect. My husband and I never really fight, which I think shocks some people. But I think that we both just understand who we are and we've come to a place in our lives that we like who we are. We have the same values and dreams. We respect each other and support each other. I'm glad that I had the chance to work on myself before I had met such a wonderful person.
Now I'm not saying that the other person is perfect, but that sometimes it is us. I know it sucks to come to that realization and to have to sit down and deeply reflect on ourselves. I also think it's a blessing in disguise too though. I was lucky enough to realize this early on in college. I know of some people who don't realize it until they're in their 40's, 50's or even 60's.
I'm sorry to say this to my relatives and girlfriends, but I disagree. I don't think I deserve the best until I've proven that I actually have something wonderful to offer to that other someone and not something toxic.
There is nothing that automatically makes me deserve the best and you know what? That's okay. I would've rather someone rejected me, or a relationship didn't work out for reasons other than if I wasn't a great person.
I don't think that anyone should feel discouraged if they realize that they're the problem. How can you fix anything if you don't even know there's a problem right? Like I said before, it's a blessing in disguise and I think, more than anything, finally coming to this realization truly opens a door to help us do better.