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10 Essential Speed Dating Tips for Shy Men

Updated on January 30, 2011

The Dating Game

So you want a date?  You want a partner to share life’s experiences.  And, lets face it, you want a sexual partner.

A friend suggested speed dating …… I gave it a go - and was successful. Here I share the secrets to my success.

Over the years, I’ve found many excuses why it’s not happening. “I’m not exactly Brad Pit“; “I’m too busy to have a girlfriend”; “I don’t get to meet many women”; “I’m too shy to ask for a date”; or “I don’t have that gift of chatting-up women”. You may have your own personal favourite.

Speed dating ah! “Not really my thing“, I said. He said, “I talk to more women in one night, than I could in a year”. I said “No s***, where do I sign up?

First, let’s take care of my excuses: the women you get to talk with, at the speed dating, are not exactly Angelina Jolie either, and they also have their own favourite excuses, why it’s not working for them.

An old Sales Manager said to me years ago, “if they come in the door, they already want it, so make sure they don’t leave ’til they get it”. I’m not suggesting you be as tough on yourself, as he was on me - but, the fact remains, the women attending a speed dating night, want a date, and most importantly, have an interest in making it happen.

That takes care of most of my excuses. So I’m sitting with a women, she wants a date, and it’s my job to make sure she gets what she wants …… a date with me! Ahhhhhh!

Scared yet? That’s why I have condensed my success into the 10 Secrets of Successful Speed Dating, below. Warning: This is not a ’get sex quick’ scheme, for that, I suggest you go elsewhere.

Below are the ‘secrets’.

Before we get into that, a quick check that you have the basics - these are not secrets!

I hope this is common sense for most of you. Don’t get drunk. Dress appropriately, smart, casual, CLEAN, trying to impress, but something you are comfortable with. Have a shower (a proper one, with soap and everything). Personal grooming, remove those nose and ear hairs. Get rid of that bad breath (yes, you have bad breath). Don’t stare at her breasts (I know she has lovely breasts!). Don’t swear. Pay attention to her, and don’t let your eyes wander around the room (too much).

As I look around the speed dating room, other men are doing things which don’t look good ….. Oh s***, I’m doing that too! The interesting thing about these secrets is, others felt the difference in me, but could not easily say why. Kinda like that whole Alpha male thing, you know they got ‘IT’, but can’t put your finger on exactly what ‘IT’ is.

One of the biggest challenges is entering the room - the first impression - and it is massively important. Many pre-judgements and decisions are already made in that moment. Check out the first three secrets, to stop you getting eliminated in the first few moments.

Some secrets will come instantly, but most, I suggest you practice a little beforehand.

Here are the 10 Secrets of Successful Speed Dating for Men:

1. Stand Up Straight

Women want a taller man. Fortunately, there is something we can do about it, and looking around the room there is a lot of guys slouching - already you stand out from the crowd (don’t worry, they are all checking you out!).

Here’s the secret: Practice now. Stand up. Look straight ahead, chin parallel to the floor. OK, there is an imaginary string coming out the top of your head. Pull it straight upwards. You will feel your rib cage rising, stomach coming in, and spine straightening. Now, roll your shoulders back. Congratulations, you just grew 1-2 inches, and, look more commanding! Don’t puff out your chest, or push your shoulders back to much - if it feels really uncomfortable, it probably looks that way too. This is as much about the posture as it is about the state of mind. You have arrived, make sure the room feels it!

2. Breath and Smile

This is about looking more relaxed in a room full of nervous, anxious singles. In this situation, it is common for us to hold our breath or breathe very shallow. OK. Bring your attention to your belly-button, breath in and your stomach rises, breath out and it falls (like a baby!). Feeling a bit more relaxed. Good.

Here’s the difficult part (for us men), keep breathing, ready - and add a smile. Smile at yourself …. there may be a feeling of happiness and lightness when you do this. The thing I love about breathing and smiling, apart from relaxing me, is that it is infectious - yes, your potential date can feel it too.

3. Talk to Another Man

When you enter the room, avoid looking awkward, or like a lost child. Pick another guy on his own, walk up to him (breathe and smile), and say hello. Most times, you will get a positive response, usually one of relief, since he was feeling awkward. Important: if the response is very negative, move on to the next guy, quickly.

This secret makes you look comfortable in the room, can give you useful allies if needed later, and the ladies feel you can engage a room, and are already looking forward to meeting you.

4. Sitting Down With The Woman

When you sit down, don’t collapse. You are standing tall and confident, continue that feeling when you take a seat in front of the lady. Do not lay back, legs wide, arms stretched out (you are not in a pole dancing club!). Also, don’t lean in too close straight away. Sit up straight (remember to pull the imaginary string out the top of your head), and relax. See secret 9 below, for what to do next.

I recommend asking if you may sit with her, and allow her to welcome you to her space. You may be the only man to ask, that makes you memorable. She feels you are not invading, and she has effectively invited you to date her.

5. Casually Let Her Ask The First Question

Let the lady feel like she is in control, allow her to start the questioning. Exchange greetings, names and whatever banter comes naturally (if any!). Then be quite for a few seconds - remember to breathe and smile - to keep you relaxed. Be patient …. remember silence can be golden, and sometimes even intimate. Allow her to ask her question; it’s likely she has one prepared. Answer the question briefly, and move on to secret 6.

If her question doesn’t come, then try to avoid the silence becoming uncomfortable. Step in with your question. Notice, again, by remaining silent, she has invited you in, to take control of the date.

6. Then, You Ask The Questions

OK. Now you are managing the date. Remember, you are both here for the same reason - to get a date. So, it’s your job to ensure this beautiful person with you now, can have what she most desires ….. yes, a date with you; so use these 10 secrets.

We are not asking random, or the usual contrived questions here; such as ‘What do you do?’ - boring!

Here’s where you should prepare a little; we are looking for something to connect with, something to suggest we are compatible; and, luckily, time is short, so we only need one. Obviously, think about what you enjoy doing, don’t make it too specific, something like, ‘do you like to travel?’, or ’where would you most like to go on holiday’ (if you have travelled, or like to travel). Potentially, if there is a subtle connection to a question like this, she is already dreaming of laying on a beach in paradise - with you!

A few other questions to give you a hint: ’what do you enjoy doing on the weekends?’, or ’have you found any good restaurants in town lately?’. Remember, try to keep it relevant to you, something you can relate to.

7. Listen. No, I Mean Really Listen!

Listen for something you have in common. Make a connection, so she remembers you; let her start to feel you may be ‘the one‘; plant that seed.

Sometimes it will be obvious; she would love to visit New York City, guess what, you were there a few years ago, loved it, and want to go back. Never lie. Though, you can select your best bits, share in her excitement, add one of your best relevant memories, and even encourage her imagination to wander (see secret 8).

Other times, it will be more subtle, and my take a little more work to dig it out. Most importantly, keep listening, and concentrate. A connection is a connection, no matter how small - and it can lead to more things you share in common.

8. Don’t Tell Her About Yourself, Unless She Specifically Asks

Fortunately, for us, there is a mechanism in the mind, which causes an incredible chain reaction - once you plant the seed. Now, obviously, we need that seed to be positive, exciting, even sensual. That’s what the last 7 secrets have been about.

Here’s the magic! She will now fill in all the gaps to make you her dream date/lover - if she likes you. Yes, her imagination will make you an exciting man of action and mystery; much better than the real you. Remember, every boring truth you reveal about yourself, is one less exciting aspect of the imaginary you! So, ‘shut-up’, and let her do the talking, unless she specifically asks.

9. Feel Her Reaction

This can be a tough one for us guys! We are not known for that ’6th sense’ or even ’intuition’ (whatever they might be!). Don’t worry, we are going to keep it to 2 simple steps.

1. Posture: Moving on from secret 4, you are sitting up straight and relaxed. Now, subtly follow her lead (I said subtle, don’t just copy her). If she leans toward you, naturally move in a little (I said a little, don’t bump heads), to acknowledge her invitation, and give positive confirmation, you are interested too.

2. Eye contact: Natural, relaxed eye contact is important. It can convey honesty, interest, and many other positive characteristics. And, of course, it is ‘the window to the heart’ (and all that stuff!). This is not a ‘stare-out’ (like in the school playground). This is eye-contact, best combined with a friendly smile and good listening. Be aware of her response; if she engages your eye-contact and smiles, relax and carry on with secret 10 (you are doing OK). She may look away, but try to feel if it is playful, bashful, or shy - if so, carry on to secret 10. Otherwise, go back, you still got work to do.

10. Be Her Flirty Friend

If you want a date, maybe a relationship, even a sexual one? Forget about sex for a minute. I know, men think about sex every 6 seconds - whatever! That means you have 5 seconds to work on being her friend.

That means making her feel relaxed, having fun, and being listened too.
Now, for the 1 second that sex is in your mind - try to channel it, use it (use the force Luke) - to flirt.

This is playful, not corny; try charming, not macho. Mention that you love her hair, earrings, or maybe her outfit - chances are, she has put ‘some’ effort in, and is hoping you will notice. Try to slip it into the conversation naturally; give it a light, playful, and complementary feel. You are flirting. Now, don’t force it; let it happen depending on her responses. You only have a few minutes, so don’t go overboard with the complements.

Go get ‘em soldier!

You are now ‘armed and dangerous’, ‘licensed to date’, loaded. Success, is yours for the taking. Beautiful women are ready, for the new YOU - what are you waiting for buddy ..... go on!


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    • profile image

      Bruce 21 months ago

      Thank you, Seems like good advice, however as an introvert I am not comfortable in places like bars, I also don't drink, I prefer to visit other places when in public. The places in the article I could some clarification is the before and after. You said the entrance can make a lot of first impressions, hopefully good, and like Han Solo, I can usually find a place to watch the crowd from a corner table. You said to talk to a guy, and hopefully he is like Chewbacca and not Greedo. But is there advice if you are more comfortable alone at this stage and there is no one like Chewbacca there. Should I talk to the ladies if a natural opportunity arises before the event? How early should I be there? Yes #3 is the hardest one on the list, and being before the actual speed dating then you are starting from a place of discomfort, and I don't want to look like that lost child. ... Then after the event do I bolt for the door? I will probably feel drained. Obviously not bolt but we would be in a bar environment again so maybe a casual withdraw to the exit. Unless one of the ladies invited me to stay. There was no advice regarding after

    • Sarah Tait profile image

      Sarah Tait 4 years ago from Los Angeles, California

      Online dating with your webcam in a speed date like situation.

      Here is the go Joe.

    • profile image

      Fred C 4 years ago

      Standard advice... timeless for sure, but nothing new.

      check out for a step-by-step system

      on how to pick up women and get more matches at speed dating.

    • MissSugar profile image

      MissSugar 4 years ago

      Listen, Listen, Listennnnnn :) Okay boys?

      It shows 2 things.

      a) Your patient and humble

      b) You are interested in her.

      Another thang - there is speed dating online ive joined with

    • profile image

      Speed Dating NYC 4 years ago

    • profile image

      Gabriel 5 years ago

      I would like to add one crucial tip: DO YOUR BEST to... not fart. Even if there are other people around, trust me, girls will smell your embarassment, literally.

    • profile image

      Nikki 5 years ago

      Go from Dating ZERO to Dating HERO. Go from being the best friend to the boy friend. For tips and advice check out this link.

    • profile image

      Vijay Nair 5 years ago

      Im sexy and I know it!