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Still Single In My Forties: A Discussion About How I Have Handled This Type of Freedom

Updated on April 11, 2020
Missy Smith profile image

Missy is a unique writer who enjoys inviting her readers into her thoughts through her poetry and other topics of discussion.  


I Used to Wonder...

Is it too much to ask for real love? No, not the type of love we receive from our family or friends. That type of love is wonderful and said to be absolute, and I suppose it is. However, it’s unconditional through blood, through growing up together and pricking our fingers and declaring blood sisters or blood brothers with our friends. When I talk about it, it is a very special connection. It’s just, as life goes on, we move on, we want a bond with ONE. Not to leave the others out, because, of course, when we find this bond with one, we want the others to share in the joy, to be happy for us, and with us.

Next question; is it even possible to have that type of bond this day and age? If my life is used as an example, most would say NO, it isn’t going to be likely. A lot of us are single still in our forties and even fifties, and it isn’t because our significant others have passed on. It’s because we, for whatever reason, trusted the wrong people in life, and as time went on, and I’ll just step back and speak for myself here; as time went on, for me, I got more and more depressed, every time I tried to be in love, disappointment was sure to rear its ugly existence, and I would be alone again.

I keep asking myself what am I doing wrong? The answer is nothing. There are no answers to this question. I have to live down the fact that it is what it is. I am who I am. I have no answers. NONE. I have confusion and loneliness at times, and still on occasion a man will come to me and say they will be different than the others, give them a chance. I’ve taken that leap of faith, and every time I took a chance on love the same thing happens. I end up disappointed and alone, feeling like the mutant one. There comes a point where words become bleak; they are empty expressions to me now. I want to believe them, but my heart will not take the leap anymore. It’s tired and frustrated from rejection.

Analyzing the Real Truth

Over the years, I started to think being single was a punishment from God. Maybe I did something that angered him so much that he doomed me to a life of loneliness, but throwing in some cruel teasers of hope along the way. You know; finding love, living love for years, then a sudden departure from the man with no actual explanation, no real reason except for moving on to those greener pastures that they met while partying in a bar, or working at the office, whom, as we all know, inevitably becomes just as brown and boring as the rest of us. However, have no fear, karma plays a part in every selfish persons’ future. For lack of being able to pay anymore child support or alimony, those jerks eventually get stuck with the same old, neither he, nor she with a vision of how to keep it green. It’s been pretty fun to watch.

It’s no wonder I’m snickering as I’m writing this. It is quite comical to me now. I think I have finally come to the point that my single status is not so bad after all. I think I’m through with hope of true love, “You can’t fool me with that stuff anymore, God!” Yes indeed, my punishment is over. I will now live this life with appreciation for the lessons I’ve learned and the simple joy of getting to remain just who I am to the end with no fake June Cleaver lifestyle.

I have rightfully obtained the I don’t care what people think attitude. I have remained with a sense of freedom, and it doesn’t feel so bad anymore. In fact, it feels like I have gained more than I have lost. I still have dignity of being brave enough, and strong enough, to let those idiots go. I feel empowered as a single lady, and wonder sometimes why I let loneliness even creep up on me at times. Oh, alright, we all know, as adults, what I am missing not having a man, but hey, things could be worse. There are always ways to satisfy those things we miss aren’t they? I mean, I don’t have to spell those ways out to anyone do I? Well, at least not to all my single ladies out there! Wink, wink.

This One's For the Girls

I thought I would write a poem that I think a few of us women would like to say to some Pretenders out there. It's not an especially thought provoking poem. It has meaning, but with gusto glory instead of longing or sadness. We all need gutso glory sometimes. I, for one, am pretty tired of being a throw away. Every woman out there that has had to suffer through the pain and heartache of idiots, this poem is for you.

I don't have a clue why some of us seem to find the losers in life. They are indeed great pretenders aren't they? I can only suspect it is because we are the most caring people who have always saw the good side in everybody before we see the bad, and in that way are easily disillusioned to a person's real purpose in a relationship. I hope every woman who has ever experienced selfish love from another enjoys this poem.


The Pretender

Understand, you cannot

return after ugly words

that sting and burn.

Pretending in the beginning

to love me for me, then

cheating as if I couldn't


A fake man is what you

are. A false talk that

leaves heart scars.

Back off now and let me

be. The game has

turned tail it's time for

you to leave.

I want to forget your smug

face, and all those times

you spit your disgusting

lies so smoothly in my face...

those lies of love and loyalty

for me. PLEASE... You

now leave me feeling

as if I've caught a


Grow up and think before

you do this to another,

because one day, karma

is going to bury you, lover!

Explaining Where the Lyrics Came From

Dave Grohl (Foo Fighters) noted: "That's the thing with lyrics, you never want to give away specifics, because it's nice for people to have their own idea or interpretation of the song. But, you know, everyone's been fucked over before and I think a lot of people feel fucked over right now and they're not getting what they were promised, and so something to do with that."

The Pretender

Do you relate to my words and life? Are you still single and in your middle ages?

See results

© 2016 Missy Smith


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    • Missy Smith profile imageAUTHOR

      Missy Smith 

      5 years ago from Florida

      Great words of wisdom, Suraj. And I'm happy to hear you have finally found your happiness. :)

    • suraj punjabi profile image

      suraj punjabi 

      5 years ago from jakarta

      I am happily married now, but I can definitely relate to this, since I used to be like this as well, I always asked myself can I ever feel that kind of Love? Is it even out there. Luckily, it was.

      I am not saying that happiness will be obtained once you get married not at all. Happiness is in fact a choice that you make internally. So even if you are single or married or divorce as long as you are happy that is what is important.

      To be happy we need to be able to appreciate the small things. Let us not wait for something big to happen like a wedding or a divorce even. Let us just find happiness in the small gestures we receive and give to other people around us. A smile, a hello, a compliment, a conversation. It is these small things that makes life worth living, single or not.

      Great hub.

    • Missy Smith profile imageAUTHOR

      Missy Smith 

      5 years ago from Florida

      Hahahaaa... Yes, my dear friend, Frank, I do believe you are right and the other hubber as well. Thank you! :)

    • Missy Smith profile imageAUTHOR

      Missy Smith 

      5 years ago from Florida

      I probably should admit dashingscorpio, that indeed you make some very valid points I cannot argue with.

      The fact that the ones, like myself, that are not married yet, and have not learned from past mistakes. We always think we do. I certainly thought I did, but in the end, the ones I seem to pick, although very different in personality, they were the same in their thought process of how a relationship should be.

      Additionally, I do think it is a choice. I have been stuck on this going back and forth on how I feel about that realization. I do believe it's been my own choice to stay single, otherwise I would have copped out and worked harder to do everything my past partners wanted and became a puppet on a string. I do believe they would have stayed with me if I was less of an individual more of a subordinate. I never really learned how to do that completely I guess. I can say I tried hard though.

      Yes, you do make some valid points. I think there are some out there that do think the way that I do though. I believe if I stop worrying about finding that person, they will show up; a lot like wrenchbiscuit explained in his comment. If not, it just isn't meant to be, and I'm pretty much to the point of accepting that. I do have a dream of how I would like to live out my elder years, and I see no partner by my side. I see freedom while I'm sipping wine off a balcony in Tuscany all by little self. lol....

      Thanks for the comment.

    • Missy Smith profile imageAUTHOR

      Missy Smith 

      5 years ago from Florida

      I am pretty comfortable in my skin, Deb. I think there are a few things I want to work on, but for the most part, I'm pretty darn comfortable. :)

    • Frank Atanacio profile image

      Frank Atanacio 

      5 years ago from Shelton

      I feel where you're coming from.. and Missy I guess I have to agree with one of your hubbers when they wrote it is a lifestyle choice not a requirement

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      5 years ago from Chicago

      Marriage is a lifestyle choice (not a requirement) for happiness.

      In a world with over 7 Billion people on it most people could be married if they (chose) to be. The odds are in everyone's favor that there are more than a few people who would make ideal mates for any of us.

      Those who (want) to be married but aren't usually have failed to learn from their past relationships when it comes to drafting a "mate selection process" for themselves or they simply have "unrealistic expectations".

      No one is going to be able to read your mind, complete your sentences, or fill your days with sunshine for eternity. You determine how large your pool of potential mates is going to be by your method of including or excluding.

      Naturally the fewer options you have the more difficult it becomes to find a "suitable mate"

      Ultimately we are all looking for someone who naturally agrees with us on the (major things) in life!

      “Love isn’t finding a perfect person. It’s seeing an imperfect person perfectly.” – Sam Keen

    • aviannovice profile image

      Deb Hirt 

      5 years ago from Stillwater, OK

      Glad to know that you're getting comfortable in your own skin. It takes that kind of feeling to really know yourself.

    • Missy Smith profile imageAUTHOR

      Missy Smith 

      5 years ago from Florida

      Thank you sweet Paula, I do believe every word you just expressed here, and yes, I have been at that place. That place of almost, but no gold. I did indeed give so many best of me years away to some that didn't deserve even a smile from my lips. But...that is in the past, and we do move on. The bad memories of betrayal come back on occasion, but I find my own way to rally through those.

      I'm not sure that I'm truly giving up. I think I agree with what biscuit said to me in his comment, it was just my path to follow, and maybe it was for a purpose and maybe it isn't over, but to think about it on a constant would not do me any good to get there. If I don't see or feel love from the "One" in this lifetime, I will look forward to those mysteries that will be solved in the next life. Wow! to understand everything, now that's going to be awesome!!! ;)

    • Missy Smith profile imageAUTHOR

      Missy Smith 

      5 years ago from Florida

      Very, very, wise words, wrenchBiscuit. I don't want to seem that I constantly sit around and whine about being alone. I hope I resonate more than that; I wanted women to understand the struggle that love will bring to most of us on occasion. I wanted to show a powerful side of me that would perchance, give some encouragement to someone who may be going through lonely times and maybe lack the understanding of why it had to happen to them. I really wanted to empower other women by expressing that I have been in love and hurt too. I want women to stop whining on Facebook with all kinds of quotes about how the man lost the best damn woman he could find. Lol... That really bothers the hell out of me to be honest. I hope that doesn't make me sound like a hypocrite, because I know some think I whine in the way I write, but I actually have a purpose. I believe on social media, when women do this, they are trying to get back at that person that hurt them, or hope they will get that person to change their minds and come back; to see the light if you will. That's mean of me, right? I'm sorry ladies and gents who may read this comment; I'm not trying to be mean. I promise.

      I believe your attitude about love is great! You show a wonderful attitude of; if it is meant to be it will be. Love it!! Thanks for commenting.

    • fpherj48 profile image


      5 years ago from Carson City

      Missy.....You've come a long, difficult road. A road that seemed to point toward your own precious sanctuary of love & the "Happy ever after." You were there for a while, weren't you, Missy? You tasted the sweetness & felt the warmth, all the while giving of yourself completely.

      You did not lose nor did you fail. Chapters have ended but you needn't close the book & place it on the shelf. There are many more moments of life's magic in store for you. The joys & excitement never truly end until we've departed this world for the next....where all the mystery is exposed at last.

      Don't chase away the hopes & dreams, they're meant to keep us young. Like the innocence of a child waiting for Santa, believe that gifts are on the way. You are deserving & precious in the eyes of someone who has a love to give to only you.

      What's past is over now. Throw the doubt & sadness far from you & refuse to become jaded.

      Be open yet patient Missy, for all wonderful gifts come to us when we are at peace and willing to accept them.

    • wrenchBiscuit profile image

      Ronnie wrenchBiscuit 

      5 years ago

      It appears that everyone has a different path to follow, or at least variations on a familiar theme. But love has always found me. And if it is meant to be, I am sure that love will find me again. But I do not think much about it. For now I am very busy, and I value having the time to work with little interference, or distraction. Sometimes it's good to be alone, even if that time turns in to years.

    • Missy Smith profile imageAUTHOR

      Missy Smith 

      5 years ago from Florida

      You can say that again, Shanmarie. A perfect word to describe how people are today; they are too darned fickle! And I will admit to you that I haven't let go completely that true love exists. ;)

    • shanmarie profile image

      Shannon Henry 

      5 years ago from Texas

      Missy, people are so fickle and it seems rare, but I guess I still believe true love exists, even if it's not a fairy tale. I see it in the lives of some of my friends.

    • Missy Smith profile imageAUTHOR

      Missy Smith 

      5 years ago from Florida

      I really like your comment, Bill. It shows that even though I did write this to empower women to not be so down about being single at a certain age, it could also be relatable to a man as well. It's not that I was trying to leave out how a man may feel these ways too; it was just that I was writing from a woman's point of view which had been through these types of feelings. I wrote it, as I always do, from my own experience of being this person. In saying that, I'm really glad you showed it could also be understood by males also. Thank You!

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 

      5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      There was great freedom in the realization that I was doing absolutely nothing wrong when I was single in my fifties...with that freedom came a great appreciation of life and a joy found in solitude....I just had to become the type of person who could see all that.

    • Missy Smith profile imageAUTHOR

      Missy Smith 

      5 years ago from Florida

      Hey Jodah,

      Yes, I believe I wrote this for all women who have gone through similar circumstances in relationships such as I have. However, I never wanted it to be viewed as degrading all males. Even so, the good ones in my lifetime, have been few and far between. I don't see many gents out there today, which is sad.

      Your wife was very lucky to find you in a time when I believe true love still existed without other circumstances playing a role. Just love and a determination from both to make it work. You were blessed with gentleman qualities that you kept through the years. You're smart in that way my dear friend. You definitely know what is important and what makes a relationship work.

      I wanted to empower peaceful thoughts to women in this hub who may be feeling loneliness at this point in their lives, and feeling unlucky. I think I wanted to array to them how it isn't such a loss if you are alone. The message being to the ones that are alone at this age in life is that many lessons have been learned if you realize them, and you can have a better outlook on how life should be lived. It's not all about kissing a man's you know what so you can have a social status of taken. Am I right?

      I think when I write a hub that I hope to inspire others with, it's the great comments like yours that give me the opportunity to relay the message even further with a better understanding. I love to make my hubs discussion pieces. Thank You! :)

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 

      5 years ago from Gondwana Land

      Hi Missy. I couldn't answer your poll because even though I have been married for most of my life I can still relate to you and your feelings. I believe this hub is written mainly for a female audience and that is fine. Many men do say and promise things to get what they want. There are a few of us that don't pretend and will take what we get just by being ourselves (and honest..really). You truly can be single and happy :) and yes, karma does come around. Thank you for sharing once again.


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