Stranger In The House. My daughter Is Turning 20. Update one year later.
Mother And Daughter Conflict.
Even though we have read all the books, browsed all the websites, spoken to all the experienced parents on this topic. I don't think we are ever truly prepared for the psychological pain our kids can inflict on us, in their bid to exercise their independence.
Especially when they suddenly started lending an ear to their peers who feels as if they have been wronged by their own parents.
But take heart, if you have been good to your child they will realize that you were and will always be their home.
She won't talk to me!
Parent/Young Adult Conflict.
Has your young adult child used this method to exercise their independence?
Stranger In My House. Can't talk to me!
Lately I have been spending the day alone and worrying about my daughter. The reason being -
- She would wake up and stay in her room, only coming out to eat or use the washroom or go out with her friends.
- She would either be sulky and hostile when she is at home or be deliriously happy when she has to go out with her friends.
- She seemed to be angry with me all the time, and I didn't know or understand why.
- She wouldn't want to go anywhere with me, when I asked if she wanted to go with me when I have to go somewhere. Her negative answer would either be yelled or sullen.
- She would snap at me when I talk to her. When I say something to her her reply would either be "barked" out loud or I would completely ignored.
- I began to feel as if I had done something wrong, yet, I didn't know what it was.
I tried, repeatedly, to ask her what was the matter but she won't let me know exactly what's bothering her.
Then one day she said, "I can't talk to you!"
I couldn't fathom when or how I became the difficult person that she couldn't talk to.
That hurt, I always made a point of listening to her!
I was hurt! Hurt and shocked!
I have always been verbal with my family and I don't mean that I was abusive. I have consciously kept my words positive and I always let my children know how much I appreciated them.
I would always throw my support behind my children because I am very proud of them. I have once thought that I was raising some very positive people, that is, until my daughter "slammed" me with, "I can't talk to you".
I tried to think back, what exactly brought that "about turn"?
I may never know, I was shut out of her "life".
I felt as if she had turned into a stranger, I didn't know her anymore.
Would you be kind enough to point out to me, where I went wrong?
My Heart was Broken.
My Heart was Broken.
From the time she was born, she was the focus of my world. I grew her up with the dignity and respect a child ought to grow up with.
I haven't played favoritism between her and her brother. I love them both equally. How could I choose one or the other?
I didn't want them to grow up with the damaging sort of sibling rivalry that splits families apart for generations. I worked with them to help them to grow up loving each other the same way I loved them both.
I focused on growing them up to be happy, loving people. I always take the time to explain "things" to them so they would have a good understanding of life.
I thought that by telling them about life on both sides of the "coin", that they would understand issues that "pop up" in their life. If I don't know I'll say that I don't know.
Oh! I could go on and on! Bottom line is that I tried to be the ideal parent. I thought that I had failed in my daughter's case.
I always stressed the importance of verbal communication, so I felt betrayed and confounded at the same time when she told me that she can't talk to me.
Even though I knew that something was not right with her it hit hard when the "floodgates" finally opened.
Sweet and Loving Child.
She remained this sweet loving child with no stress from me or her father. Through her teenage years, I made allowance for the usual teen behavior pattern.
I didn't push too much to get the messy room cleaned up or to get straight A's at school or to curb the tendency to stay up late at night.
I talked about it with them and I talked and talked some more until my patience ran out, then I'll yell at them. They will clean it up then, to my dismay. With all the talking and explaining, I didn't think that would need to yell at them to clean up.
I explain stuff to her when she needs to know, going for patience and understanding. I made it a point to tell her how precious she is to me. Basically, I was making sure that she doesn't grow up with the stress that teenagers usually experience with family members.
I was getting disappointed that they weren't responding to my approach to raising kids with patience, but other than the cleaning problem my daughter is a good girl, both my kids are.
I was sure that diligently paying attention, encouraging and guiding her when she asks, was what would make these years easy for for her, until now. I don't know how to handle this or maybe I should just let it run it's course.
What do you think I should do?
I Understand That Children Do Get Angry.
Are you a parent who have been "divorced" by your children? Well, please say, "Welcome to the club" to me. I thought I was prepared for this eventuality, but the pain was nowhere near my expectation when it happened.
It felt like eternal misery.
It was not something that I could have easily dealt with and I felt lonesome most of the time. My husband didn't help, he says that I was driving my daughter away and that he didn't want to do the same.
I was trying to figure out how and when my relationship with my daughter went "south", but I couldn't figure it out. So I turned to the internet and the good writers on Hubpages to help me figure it out and what I found was a surprising phenomenon.
Some of my fellow hubbers had really genuine hearts of "gold". Even though I was in emotional turmoil I took their hopeful words to heart and when my daughter came to me for understanding I was able to accommodate her, with the understanding that she went through a difficult period too.
Several articles from these websites had me wondering about the future of the Family as an institution. They do have some advice for parents to use "weather the frost". Here are the ones that I have read -
This Heartbreak is Over!
So now my daughter and I are best "buds" again and even though she never said sorry for the pain I was in over her words and actions a year ago. Throughout this past year she has been the daughter I once again recognize.
The pain I thought would never leave is gone, I don't know when it left but I am a happy that it did. It has left me a wiser mother and I am using the knowledge to consistently "head-off" any other similar problems.
Each individual has a mind of their own, even in a family. We should never stop striving to understand those minds. In our society there is always the constant lure of external influence.
At different stages in life the "grass might look greener on the other side", but it is not always so.
I want to thank all the writers who commented on this hub when it was previously published. I was consoled by your empathy for my plight at that time.
I want you to know that I understood and pay heed to your words.
Thanks to you we are a happy mother/daughter duo again.
I do hope my experience help other parents who are or would be experiencing a similar or the same situation now or in the future.