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Strong Black Woman

Updated on June 20, 2015

The Question

Do some women get that this loud profession of independence, professing irrelevance for a man in your life, does not make you strong but delusional? Do some women understand that “taking charge” of everything, every situation, and attempting to control your man like he is a child is most likely why your relationships fail and/or you are alone? Truth is in the community, statistics show, African American women have this ALL WRONG when it comes to relationships. (*Not all, but most African Americans are not playing the role or part we were given and it’s leading to broken homes, broken kids, and broke situations-including one’s heart.) I’m not blaming the women for the problems, I’m just asking why does this attitude exist? Is it because you don’t pick quality men who lead the household in such a way that it allows you to be submissive? Did you witness your father being absent or your mother relying on men to get by who were harmful/abusive and you decided you would never depend on a man? There is nothing wrong with being educated, providing for yourself, setting a financial foundation for your future and achieving financial success. That’s great! But using the coat of “independence” to display this hostile response to cover insecurity, hurt, unresolved issues, and being unloved is simply-Not A Good Look! Is that what you tell yourself at night when men have left you, do not value you, and you remain consistently unloved? No truer words were spoken when a man once said: a man doesn’t want a man.

Strong Independent Black Woman

Books To Change Your World

Allison Samuels -What Would Michelle Do?
Allison Samuels -What Would Michelle Do? | Source
Sophia Nelson - Black Woman Redefined
Sophia Nelson - Black Woman Redefined | Source

2 Books To Change Your World

2 Books that will help to be your best self:

Allison Samuels – What Would Michelle Do? A modern day guide to living with substance and style. (A quick light read packed full of information of how to conduct yourself based on the first lady)

Sophia Nelson – Black Woman Redefined. Dispelling Myths and Discovering Fulfillment in the Age of Michelle Obama.

Michelle Obama is an awesome example of how to accomplish individuals goals (ivy league educated and at the law firm first before Barack arrive, hello!) while being a loving and supportive strong role-model for her household. No relationships are perfect but so many African American women can learn from her example in so many ways. How many women can say they are adored and valued the way Barack values, adores, and cares for Michelle?


Always build him up, because everyone else will tear him down.-Unknown

1 Peter 3:3-4

Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.


The Things Older Women Taught

When I grew up I watched and listened to older MARRIED women. Women that had loving spirits, supportive of their men, and carried themselves with class teaching their children great morals by example first. They raised their children based on the ancestor’s model, each generation must do better. As I became older, I had the privilege of listening to their wisdom and advice. My mind will never forget the conversation and information I heard as a young lady conveyed to me years ago, I recall like it was yesterday.

  • Sex- Hold out on having sex as long as possible in order to get to know the man. You want to uncover who he is, how he thinks, if he’s sincerely interested in you-for sex clouds your judgement. You want to know if the man is really into you or just pretending to get what he wants.
  • It’s more to a man than looks and bedroom activities, you need to study his moral character, work ethic, and make sure both of you are reaching for the same goals.
  • Don’t tell all your business to your girlfriends/women and keep women (especially single women) away from your relationship/man-it’s bad business.
  • Decide where you want to go in life (financially) and partner with someone traveling in the same direction. It’s hard to pull someone up and what will most likely happen –that person will bring you down. You can’t have a healthy relationship with a man jealous of your achievements because they are going nowhere in life.
  • Don’t sleep around because those women aren’t quality and/or wife material and people talk more than you know. There is nothing sexy about everyone having you in bed, you cannot operate like a man, in essence a promiscuous woman a wife does not make.
  • When you are a lady your voice and tone should reflect that. (Have you witnessed a woman speak with venom and anger in the tone of their voice? Sad)

Why do so many black women feel vulnerability is off the table? Do you feel that you are unworthy or unable to achieve having a loving relationship so you convince yourself you don’t need it? Do you walk around trying to work like an ox and fulfill the stereotypes of the manly black woman (slave) who can have kids, work 3 jobs, go to school and can do it all? Why can’t you be full of hugs, kisses, affectionate, loving, and kind-hearted towards the man you have feelings for outside of the bedroom? You can't your not strong, you are tired.

Your Thoughts

Do you think the strong black woman image is why so many women are alone?

See results

Steve Harvey-Woman's Ex-Boyfriends Speaks On Dating A Strong Black Woman

You Are Not Made Of Stone

Depression among African American Women

African American women are not made of stone.

Huffington post posted an article revealing the following statistics:

Although some figures vary based on the study, depression affects between 17-20 million Americans a year. Data from a study published by the Center for Disease Control -- the CDC -- found that women (4 percent vs. 2.7 percent of men) and African-Americans (4 percent) are significantly more likely to report major depression than whites (3.1 percent).


The biggest problem that faces the African American women with this “Strong Independent” ideology-the myth that they are invincible. One of the biggest problems that remain hidden in the African American community amongst women, Depression. So many issues stem from frustration, single parenthood, being unloved by your own race, being unprotected by your own race, raised in poor communities with barriers to achievement. The world does not allow the African American woman and neither does her culture. The attitude is I can do 50 things and I’m superhuman then your significant other and the world determines that is true. There is a difference between what you have to do and what you would like to do.

All I’m saying is that bossing people around, acting cold, and being in essence the “man” of the relationship clearly is not working. Find your joy and happy. Smile and laugh for God’s sake, you are alive and able to impact the world. Learn how to love smart, if you’ve never seen it study those who have relationships that you want, be willing to meet and sit with those women and learn lessons from those women. When I see older couples together and still happy it’s a joy to my heart, try to accept love in every encounter. Carry yourself in a way that speaks to your accomplishments. If you have to tell someone you’re educated, accomplished, or independent then your presentation must not fit your package of accomplishments. (You don’t want to be the pig adorned in jewelry. Jay-Z said you can go to school but you can’t buy class.) The strength is knowing you can take care of yourself, good for you! The sadness is beating a man over the head with it in every action and every word spoken from your mouth. Iron sharpens iron. I’ve witnessed so many women achieve then turn around and entertain relationships with someone that in no way has achieved any success just so they can boss the man in the relationship. This same man will often cheat or end up with a woman that makes him feel needed and less like a failure in the wake of your accomplishments. There is no lower feeling in the world for women then paying for a man, allowing him to use you and your resources, just to say you have someone. What sense does it make to push yourself to the top and then turn around pick someone that has nothing to offer? When you settle for less you get less than you settled for.

If you want to be a strong independent woman, study how Michelle Obama carries herself. That’s the model of a strong, loving, intelligent, educated, great mother who confirmed she was giving her kids chores to do even in the white house, who is with the leader of the country. She doesn’t get on television with a hostile attitude discussing her independence in some kind of crazy rant or anger and rage. If you notice if she’s at a function and needs to tell Barack something, she will slightly touch him on the back and whisper something to him. Women can learn so much from Michelle Obama. Just for clarification, her demeanor, character, and accomplishments set the foundation for knowing she would have a great HUSBAND and LOVING FAMILY. Now that’s winning!

So you strong black women please don’t lose your femininity and willingness to know and feel like Diana Ross’s character in Mahogany. Be okay with saying: “I want my man back!” Be okay with someone checking the tire pressure on your car or asking his opinion about concerns you have. Be okay with the security that comes with having him around. Women have bats, guns, etc. but we are more vulnerable than men and there is an added rested sleep when he’s next to you in bed that you can’t achieve when you are alone. There is a beauty in having a loving healthy relationship with someone that cares, adores, and protects you and your family. There is nothing wrong with desiring love rather than taking on this super independent attitude that is like repellent to a man that might desire a relationship with you.


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    • dashingscorpio profile image


      3 years ago

      Actually I doubt how quickly a man has sex with a woman really is "the determining factor" of whether he pursues a relationship or not.

      In the past I've had relationships that lasted up to 4 years with women I had sex with the first night we met. Most women I've had relationships with had sex with me early on. There's no Steve Harvey 90 day rule for me! LOL!

      Some men believe a woman does that all of the time and other guys believe it was (them) that caused her to make an exception to the rule.

      "If she'll have sex with me the first night she'll do it with anybody."

      You could easily apply that to everything a woman does with a man. If she'll go out on a date with me she'll go out on a date with anybody.

      Either way once one gets beyond a certain age it sounds a little immature and insecure to be concerned with why someone said "yes" to you!

      There's this myth out there that men love to be rejected or they "respect rejection". If the chemistry is there, the sex is great, you have a lot in common, enjoy talking with one another there's good chance something will develop.

      The reality is not everyone you date you will kiss, not everyone you kiss you will have sex with, not everyone you have sex you have a long-term relationship with, and not everyone you have a long-term relationship with you will marry. Women fool themselves into believing they can manipulate a man's feelings about them strictly with their behavior. It's the old adage: "You have to (train) a man" mentality.

      The reality is every man treats women according to how (he) feels about them and not how (they feel about themselves). If this weren't the case there would be no such thing as "booty calls" or "one stands".

      No one has control over what another person's "ideal mate traits" are. A "booty call" for one man may be the "a dream come true" for another man. Everyone of us gets thrown in the recycle bin from time to time. The most important thing in my opinion for any woman is to only do what (she) wants to do when she wants to do it.

      Never have sex with a "hidden agenda". If two consenting adults have sex and never see each other again and one of them feels "used" it's because they had sex with a "hidden agenda" that went beyond having an orgasm.

      Not many people will admit this but another reason for gaining an "emotional investment" from someone before having sex with them is likely to cause the other person to hang in there if the sex isn't great!

      They tell themselves it's not that "important" or "we can work on it". Nevertheless there are many women calling into radio shows saying things like; "I love my man but he's not working with much downstairs" or guys calling in saying; "My wife has no sex drive or isn't into oral sex."

      My guess is if they'd discovered these things prior to becoming "emotionally invested" or worse married, they would have moved on rather quickly. Now they feel trapped or trying to think of way to exit without looking like a liar or jerk after making a commitment. Another way people deal with this situation is by cheating. The goal of most cheaters is to hold onto all that is "good" in their primary relationship while addressing their other "needs" on the side.

    • realtalk247 profile imageAUTHOR


      3 years ago

      Thank you Poetrymann6969. I wish more men would tell the truth to women. Sometimes women think they are a great catch and truth be told they could use a little work. You can't consider yourself a lady: smoke weed, curse, loud in public, rude to staff, vindictive, ready to go off in 10 seconds or less, or generally have a shell of ANGER that you carry around 24-7. That's not sexy. Sometimes the mirror of truth and honesty is cloudy for women.

      "Most men are chatting up more than one female" - True. Smart women do the same as well.(talk, not sleep with more than one men if they aren't in a relationship or at least they should) No definition = no loyalty. On the sex thing.........that's a whole subject within itself.

      Men may spend time with a woman who moves to intimacy quickly but is the respect present? That "good time" does not mean a relationship (oh if women could understand that) and smart men don't take women seriously that give it up quick. Let me clarify, men of standards/quality have told me when posed that questions.........." I might be cool with a woman that I have sex with right away but they won't make her a relationship with her." The thought is if she gave it up that quick with no info on the guy, i.e. first date, then she's doing that all the time. I really don't think, yes-it is a double standard, that a man wants to have a relationship with someone EVERYONE has had. It's not a good look.

    • poetryman6969 profile image


      3 years ago

      Voted up.

      Definitely not sure that I have answers to any of this. But it is probably a good thing to get the conversation going.

      As in all things, the internet can be a blessing and a curse. If some of the single men out there actually told the truth about it, they are chatting up more than one female at a time and at least some men will spend more time with women who move to intimacy more quickly.

    • realtalk247 profile imageAUTHOR


      3 years ago

      I agree. There are so many hurt people with issues that hide behind "I'm independent." I want to ask if your "independence" gives you the love that you need. Despite the accomplishments there is a delight when a man brings you flowers, a safety feeling when you have a man in the house, a partner to help you raise your children providing a male and female example with dual involvement. The beauty is in resting in his arm and feeling adored and loved. Independence does not mean being mean, controlling, bossing your man around, controlling the relationship, because ultimately it is a turn off.

      Steve Harvey asking the ex-boyfriends of that single independent woman about their thoughts was a great eye-opener. She didn't make any of her ex-boyfriends feel secure, she was not vested in the relationships, she had attitude issues with servers at restaurants, she was particular about everything, cursed, and smoke cigarettes. That's being unladylike/mean, not independent.

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      3 years ago

      Voted up and useful!

      "There is nothing wrong with being educated, providing for yourself, setting a financial foundation for your future and achieving financial success. That’s great! But using the coat of “independence” to display this hostile response to cover insecurity, hurt, unresolved issues, and being unloved is simply-Not A Good Look!" - Amen!

      It should be obvious happy positive people {attract} others while those wearing a scowl with a defensive posture {repel} people.

      No man ever walks around saying, "I don't need a woman!"

      If that's an "affirmation" it may be best to say things like that in the mirror or just before going to bed at night and upon rising in the morning.

      The truth is there are only 5 things an adult "needs".

      1. Air 2.Water 3. Food 4. Shelter 5. Clothing (It's the law in most places) Having said that all five of these can be had in any county jail!

      Life is about {wants} not "needs". Any woman who walks around saying; "I don't need a man" essentially is saying; "I don't want a man!"

      To some degree there has always be threads of animosity between the genders. However it especially so in the African American community. We start of innocent and then some "well meaning" friends or family members pull you aside to "school you" in ways to deal with the opposite sex and they project (their life experiences) on you!

      If women see men as the enemy or as combatants how are they ever going to fall "in love" let alone be cherished. Not many men want to be in a relationship that's about competing with one another.

      Every bad relationship they've experienced had (nothing) to do with them! Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse!

      If someone is having one bad relationship experience after another it's probably time they re-examine (their) "mate selection criteria".

      The only thing all of your bad relationships have in common is you!

      One man's opinion!:)


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