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Stupid Things Men Say When They Are Caught Cheating

Updated on May 17, 2012

THAT AWFUL 'MOMENT OF SHAME'

for cheating guys. There are NO words, thoughts, or phrases a guy can use when he is "busted."
for cheating guys. There are NO words, thoughts, or phrases a guy can use when he is "busted."

MORE "FACES OF ADULTERY"

This was "the deed" that you did that led to your wife telling you to "drop dead," and do you really blame her for feeling this way?
This was "the deed" that you did that led to your wife telling you to "drop dead," and do you really blame her for feeling this way?
A cheater who is found out is always the subject of gossip by his ex-wife's friends. What a price to pay for a short time of pleasure.
A cheater who is found out is always the subject of gossip by his ex-wife's friends. What a price to pay for a short time of pleasure.
Mark Sanford, former governor of South Carolina had an adulterous affair with a lady from South America. But he called it, "an unappropriate relationship." Same thing.
Mark Sanford, former governor of South Carolina had an adulterous affair with a lady from South America. But he called it, "an unappropriate relationship." Same thing.
"Guess we might as well confess," says this clean-cut man who is with another woman. In public. Daylight for Pete's sake. Have you no shame?
"Guess we might as well confess," says this clean-cut man who is with another woman. In public. Daylight for Pete's sake. Have you no shame?
The smug face of a cheater.
The smug face of a cheater.
Men with shifty eyes are either cheating or have cheated already. Shifty eyes are the sign of someone telling lies.
Men with shifty eyes are either cheating or have cheated already. Shifty eyes are the sign of someone telling lies.
This is what your "ex" will do once you are gone--have a great time on the town with her girlfriends.
This is what your "ex" will do once you are gone--have a great time on the town with her girlfriends.
"Oops, this girl is my niece," this old geezer who is cheating on his wife tries to explain to the customers to the right.
"Oops, this girl is my niece," this old geezer who is cheating on his wife tries to explain to the customers to the right.

This may be too bold for some guys

Take away the suspense, anticipation, danger, forbidden-love, and new cologne, and what does that leave with an adulterous affair? Not much. Adultery by itself isn't all that glamorous. But given the taboo of sneaking around to see your "secret honey," and spend a few steamy hours with her, to many, is worth the risk. Even if they lose all they have in this life.

Adultery, if studied closely, is made up of more than just a quick phone call that no one hears. Or a rendezvous with your "sweetie," for a quick lunch that allows you to peer into her china blue eyes while chewing your prime rib and taking fast swigs of the house wine. With all of this secretive action taken away, adultery is just a horse with no legs. Helpless. Powerless. And on a note of sadness, helpless.

Tell this to the guys, who statistics say are more prone to cheating than women. And guys who are about to cheat, do not take my head off. I am just quoting sociological studies of why men cheat. But take heart, guys. Not all of you cheat. Some guys are completely-satisfied with their wives, children, career, home and choice of shoes. They are all-the-time happy as larks to hurry home to see the wife - -even after 22 years of marriage.

Is this "happy as a lark" guy ever tempted by the lurid wink of a temptress' eye with sexy mascara and long eyelashes? Yes. But being tempted and actually sitting up late at night plotting how you and your "midnight angel" can get in a few quick kisses, hugs, and maybe a few bites of a juicy t-bone steak at an out-of-town restaurant.

In all honesty, adultery is not as much as it is work. Mental, physical, emotional and moral work. Okay, leave out 'moral,' for a man who has decided to have an affair has said to his moral compass, "hit the bricks, pal, this my time to play." And after the initial-meeting with his "sweetie," who has to go by a fake name, the rush of adrenaline in his system gets smaller and smaller as the back-street meetings continue. I said it was work.

When this male adulterer becomes bored with his first mistress, he hunts like a jungle cat to find another female conquest. And on the game goes and his confidence grows and grows until one day his wife catches him in a Motel 6, who has left the light on for him, in a room on the far-back side with a girl named "Candy," and she, the wife gets the climactic pleasure of saying one vengeful word: "Busted." The game is now over.

Enter the lawyers. They will "fix this guy's wagon" and for good. By the time this guy's angry, hurt and humiliated wife's attorney gets finished with him, he will be lucky to still have underwear. Adultery has now evolved from excitement to work and now to a humiliated man who will have to live with his "back door affair," for life. Even if he and his wife with the perfect memory reconcile, no matter what the future spats will be about, you can bet that "this" series of bad decisions, and the girl, "Candy," will ultimately come up in the heated conversation. And the wife knows it.

She has her husband by the "privates," and cannot do anything about it. He can't go to the store for beer. He can't go with the guys bowling. Or the wife will passively drop the line, "if you come home smelling like smoke, then get your bags and leave." What strategy this wife has. The husband is going to a bowling alley for Pete's sake--where guys smoke and drink. He is bound to get "some" cigarette smoke on his shirt. Poor adulterer. Trapped forever in a web of accusations. And always under a microscope like a dead fly.

But that's the consequences after the adultery. Tough. Never forgotten. Never lived down. Guys, are you now as excited about having that future affair was you was when you started this story?

Now there are those bold, daring, and even courageous men who will go the distance in committing adultery. They see no reason to quit. Their reasoning is, "I work hard all of the time. I never miss a church service or P.T.A. meeting. I don't gamble, smoke cigarettes or drink. So why can't I "sample the fruit," once in a while?" And that sounds smooth to a man's own ears. So he continues his adulterous ways. And lies like a pathological liar when questioned about why his shirt is wrinkled when he comes home late from work. His computer-speed mind tells him to say, "oh this shirt. Ha, ha, funny story, dear. I spilled some water on it at lunch and it didn't dry well when I hung it over an air conditioning vent." Sounds good. Even believable. The wife has missed her target. This time. But believe me, sport, she will try to try again until you are caught up with.

Then what will you say when you are caught "red-handed"? Well you can give your wife who is glaring at you and your "Tiffany," a stripper from a club you frequent, a flimsy excuse. But I doubt that anything you say outside of "I am having a heart attack," will phase her.

And then there are men who are "masters of mischief," the men who thrive on sleeping with other women besides their wives at home. And when caught, they offer the following reasons that I call . . .

"Completely Stupid Things Men Say When They Are Caught Cheating"

NOTE: the guy's wife's comments will follow his "reasons" for cheating.

"HONEY, THIS ISN'T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE okay what is it then with you, the married man in bed with your wife's sexy third cousin from Louisiana here for a visit? Oh, you were showing "Lulu," how to lower her blood pressure by taking short breaths? Then explain why your slacks are laid over on the other bed?

"I HEARD A DEMONIC VOICE SAY go on and take that strange lady to a motel out of town. And honey, I did." "I don't love her and it was only a physical happening. No love at all. So where we eating after while?"

"I WAS HEADED HOME WHEN THIS HELPLESS GIRL flagged me down here in front of the Galaxy Hotel, Bar and Grill and needed a man to open her truck of clothing she bought in Georgia. As I strained to open the lid that was mildewed stuck, I stumbled onto the bed and didn't see "Sally Jo," laying there in her yellow panties and bra. Guess she was hot and wanted to cool off because as you can see, the antique air conditioner doesn't work.

"THIS WAS A WORK PROJECT that is really "top secret," so hun, you can't tell a soul. Even your coffee-drinking girlfriend, "Sue," from across the street. My company is running tests on women between the ages of 22 and 30 to see how they will react if they are put in an uncomfortable situation and we get their blood pressure, pulse and heart rate and compare those stats to a medical computer at work. What are my pants doing off? Well, the darn things attract too much static electricity that causes me to not get a good reading."

"WHO AM I? WHERE AM I? is that you, baby? You look a lot like my wife. I wish someone would tell me what is going on - - with me and this cheerleader from UCLA in this Marriott hotel, air conditioned I might add, with champagne, caviar and we are in bath robes. Honey, if that's you, call our psychiatrist. I don't know my name or how I got here. I suppose your alter ego made the room reservations, ordered the bubbly and grub and your cheerleader friend just appeared?

"I WAS BLACK MAILED by a group of merciless thugs from Iraq who said they would do bad things to you, honey, and the kids if I didn't keep this shapely 25-year old brunette company this afternoon. Yeah. I see the gun being held to your head."

"YOU ARE NEVER HOME and I got lonely. This girl, "Sue," was on a "Husband Crisis Line" and after hearing my lonely dilemma of not ever seeing you, honey, she was more than glad to soothe my pain. Wonder where I was? Working my butt off since you up and quit your job for having to get up too early--at 7 a.m.!"

"I FELT SO UNAPPRECIATED at home, dear. I get these sexual urges and since you are sick with the flu, I just got weak and called my "old flame" of six years ago, the girl I broke up with before I met you, and she said she was willing to sacrifice herself to make me feel needed and . . .appreciated." Well you two have a great time appreciating each other."

"IT'S PLAYBOY'S FAULT for me being here with this cocktail waitress, "Blaze." I really get into the Playboy Channel and seeing all those pretty bunnies, well, I just lose control. You understand, don't you, dearest, "honey, wunny, bunny?" Yeah, sure do. This makes the fifth time this week you have lost control." Just marry Hugh Hefner and stay with your rabbit girls."

"I HAVE AN OLD FOOTBALL INJURY from when I was in college. I got a hard hit in my head and sometimes I "black out," and do things without knowing it. Guess being here with this airline stewardess is just one of those things. Funny, it's always another woman, not running nude through a laundry mat. You stay here with Miss United Airlines and try to figure out where "I" will be.

And finally . . .

"I HAVE A JAMES BOND FANTASY about rescuing girls in danger. Like this one, "Jodi," who works online talking to men in hot, sexy voices. She said on the phone this morning that she was secretly in trouble and "needed me" to come to her aid. So I bought a new suit, some sunglasses, a handgun and traded our station wagon for a black Camry, and here I am. I was just getting ready to set her free." "Good, Agent 007. Keep it up. There's a lot more girls who "need" your talents. I am not one of them. Goodbye."

There are the more-understandable things that come from men's lips when they are caught cheating on their wives or girlfriends.

And honestly, I can fully-understand why these guys' (although fictional) wives suddenly adapt a cold, heartless "don't care" attitude toward them not just for a week or two . . . but for each waking hour of their lives.

And whom among us can blame them?

THIS PRETTY GIRL'S FACE IS SAD

because a low-life cheater, a man, had an affair with her now-ex best friend.
because a low-life cheater, a man, had an affair with her now-ex best friend.

SEE THE GUILT ON THESE CHEATER'S FACES?

an affair is not easy to hide. Especially by men.
an affair is not easy to hide. Especially by men.

Comments

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    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Thank you kindly, rahul!

      I appreciate your input so much. You keep on producing your great hubs so we all can be blessed on Hubs.

      Kenneth

    • barbergirl28 profile image

      Stacy Harris 5 years ago from Hemet, Ca

      Ha ha - those are some losey excuses you listed off there. I truly hope that I never have to hear any of those excuses... although I would probably prefer those over silence and confirmed guilt! At least those excuses are so ridiculous you can actually laugh at them! Thanks for the laugh!

    • MsLofton profile image

      MsLofton 5 years ago from IL

      This is funny and true

    • STEVEW13 profile image

      Steve Wright 5 years ago from Norwich, England

      So funny, so true Kenneth, love the hub!

    • Darknlovely3436 profile image

      Annie 5 years ago from NewYork

      great Hub.

    • mollymeadows profile image

      Mary Strain 5 years ago from The Shire

      Yes, Kenneth, it's amazing how many rich, successful men who seem to have all they could ever want in the world throw it all away for an afternoon at Motel 6. Hugh Grant, Bill Clinton, Mark Sanford, so many other politicians. Go figure...

    • shea duane profile image

      shea duane 5 years ago from new jersey

      And on the game goes and his confidence grows and grows until one day his wife catches him in a Motel 6, who has left the light on for him, in a room on the far-back side with a girl named "Candy," and she, the wife gets the climactic pleasure of saying one vengeful word: "Busted."

      You are sooooooooo funny Ken. It's the voice you use that is so likable and yet a bit flippant and smug... Your voice makes everything you write so funny.

    • catgypsy profile image

      catgypsy 5 years ago from the South

      This is priceless. The excuses had me laughing until I was crying! One thing i've found with men who cheat on their wives is that they cheat on everything, from taxes to card playing. Good sign to look for ladies when you first start dating! Great hub Kenneth!

    • profile image

      Sueswan 5 years ago

      Dearest Kenneth

      Great hub. Some men or women cheat and end up leaving their spouse. I wouldn't want to be that person because if they cheated with me on there wife then what would stop them from cheating on me.

      Voted up and away.

      Have a good evening.

    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Dear barbergirl,

      first, thanks for your nice comment. And secondly, I dare say that you WONT hear any of these lame excuses given by men who are jerks under the skin.

      But do NOT ever go into any relationship with your eyes and ears shut. That's all I need to say. By the tone of your comment, you are an intelligent girl. Just say safe.

      Kenneth

      And come back anytime.

    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      MsLofton,

      thank you kindly for your comment. I appreciate it so much. And when I say this, I mean it. You took time out of your day to read one of my hubs. That in itself means a lot.

      Again, thanks so much and visit with me again.

      Kenneth

    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, STEVEW . . .thank you for the words of encouragement. I need all I can get. This IS a very controversial subject. One day soon, I may tackle "What Women Say When They Are Caught Cheating," just to be fair. I may find this one more difficult, its tough to find or read about girls in everyday life who cheat. Guess they are much smarter, eh?

      Take care!

      Kenneth

    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      darknlovely, thank you for your sweet compliment. I hope you experience a lot of good things in your life TODAY!

      Kenneth

    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hello, (molly)meadows, I agree. And as for figuring the likes of Clinton, Grant and others, wealthy and powerful, cheating . . .just one of life's mysteries. Hey, why don't YOU do a hub about those guys? Im sure you could make them think about their "loose" moments, right?

      Sincerely,

      Kenneth

    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hello, darling shea . . .once again, you have made me feel good with your comment. Thank YOU SHEA, so much, for this and every comment you've given me. You can come back anytime and next time, please bring a chocolate layer cake. I am so very hungry.

      Kenneth

    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Dear Catgypsy,

      thanks for the very nice comment. And it was filled with practical wisdom I might add. Wisdom that women and men both can use. Thanks for sharing and so glad that I made you cry (with laughter) with this hub.

      These WERE the edited versions. The ones I didn't use were way too insane. One day maybe . . .naaaah. Better quit when Im ahead.

      Kenneth

    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Dear Susan,

      And I agree with you 110%. And you are correct in thinking this about hooking-up with a man who has left his spouse, for as soon as he gains your trust, you will catch him in a nearby Ruby Tuesday's with his "second cousin" from Pigs's Knuckle, Kansas. Get my drift? Be wise in your companion choices and watch out for Yellow Cabs.

      Kenneth

    • profile image

      Sueswan 5 years ago

      Dear Kenneth,

      I think of you when I see a yellow cab. :)

      Hope you are having a wonderful day my friend.

    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Ahhh, Dear Susan,

      that is so sweet. But continue to be careful for Yellow Cabs who might be carrying THE MAN for you or about to pick him up. Just saying.

      And as for my day, thanks for asking and Im about to take a much-needed break.

      You have a peaceful day, Susan. Okay?

      I will be thiking of you.

      Kenneth

    • eric-carter profile image

      eric-carter 5 years ago from Fulham, UK

      LOL ! :)

    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Eric-Carter, :)

      glad you liked this.

      Kenneth

    • profile image

      Kim 4 years ago

      my x boyfriend Jason Speegle cheated on me all the time with 11 to 9 year olds and he was 18 years old and 19 years old

    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Dear Kim,

      you are so blessed to call him "EX," that you don't know how free you are. NEVER hook-up with jerks like this. NEVER believe the nice things they say to you for sex ONLY. If a guy GOES OVERBOARD in complimenting you and gets what he wants, then leaves for days and never calls, need I say more???

      Stay free. Stay sane. And YOU are INVITED to follow me on HubPages. I would love that.

      Peace, Kenneth

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