Stupid Things Men Say When They Are Caught Cheating
THAT AWFUL 'MOMENT OF SHAME'
MORE "FACES OF ADULTERY"
This may be too bold for some guys
Take away the suspense, anticipation, danger, forbidden-love, and new cologne, and what does that leave with an adulterous affair? Not much. Adultery by itself isn't all that glamorous. But given the taboo of sneaking around to see your "secret honey," and spend a few steamy hours with her, to many, is worth the risk. Even if they lose all they have in this life.
Adultery, if studied closely, is made up of more than just a quick phone call that no one hears. Or a rendezvous with your "sweetie," for a quick lunch that allows you to peer into her china blue eyes while chewing your prime rib and taking fast swigs of the house wine. With all of this secretive action taken away, adultery is just a horse with no legs. Helpless. Powerless. And on a note of sadness, helpless.
Tell this to the guys, who statistics say are more prone to cheating than women. And guys who are about to cheat, do not take my head off. I am just quoting sociological studies of why men cheat. But take heart, guys. Not all of you cheat. Some guys are completely-satisfied with their wives, children, career, home and choice of shoes. They are all-the-time happy as larks to hurry home to see the wife - -even after 22 years of marriage.
Is this "happy as a lark" guy ever tempted by the lurid wink of a temptress' eye with sexy mascara and long eyelashes? Yes. But being tempted and actually sitting up late at night plotting how you and your "midnight angel" can get in a few quick kisses, hugs, and maybe a few bites of a juicy t-bone steak at an out-of-town restaurant.
In all honesty, adultery is not as much as it is work. Mental, physical, emotional and moral work. Okay, leave out 'moral,' for a man who has decided to have an affair has said to his moral compass, "hit the bricks, pal, this my time to play." And after the initial-meeting with his "sweetie," who has to go by a fake name, the rush of adrenaline in his system gets smaller and smaller as the back-street meetings continue. I said it was work.
When this male adulterer becomes bored with his first mistress, he hunts like a jungle cat to find another female conquest. And on the game goes and his confidence grows and grows until one day his wife catches him in a Motel 6, who has left the light on for him, in a room on the far-back side with a girl named "Candy," and she, the wife gets the climactic pleasure of saying one vengeful word: "Busted." The game is now over.
Enter the lawyers. They will "fix this guy's wagon" and for good. By the time this guy's angry, hurt and humiliated wife's attorney gets finished with him, he will be lucky to still have underwear. Adultery has now evolved from excitement to work and now to a humiliated man who will have to live with his "back door affair," for life. Even if he and his wife with the perfect memory reconcile, no matter what the future spats will be about, you can bet that "this" series of bad decisions, and the girl, "Candy," will ultimately come up in the heated conversation. And the wife knows it.
She has her husband by the "privates," and cannot do anything about it. He can't go to the store for beer. He can't go with the guys bowling. Or the wife will passively drop the line, "if you come home smelling like smoke, then get your bags and leave." What strategy this wife has. The husband is going to a bowling alley for Pete's sake--where guys smoke and drink. He is bound to get "some" cigarette smoke on his shirt. Poor adulterer. Trapped forever in a web of accusations. And always under a microscope like a dead fly.
But that's the consequences after the adultery. Tough. Never forgotten. Never lived down. Guys, are you now as excited about having that future affair was you was when you started this story?
Now there are those bold, daring, and even courageous men who will go the distance in committing adultery. They see no reason to quit. Their reasoning is, "I work hard all of the time. I never miss a church service or P.T.A. meeting. I don't gamble, smoke cigarettes or drink. So why can't I "sample the fruit," once in a while?" And that sounds smooth to a man's own ears. So he continues his adulterous ways. And lies like a pathological liar when questioned about why his shirt is wrinkled when he comes home late from work. His computer-speed mind tells him to say, "oh this shirt. Ha, ha, funny story, dear. I spilled some water on it at lunch and it didn't dry well when I hung it over an air conditioning vent." Sounds good. Even believable. The wife has missed her target. This time. But believe me, sport, she will try to try again until you are caught up with.
Then what will you say when you are caught "red-handed"? Well you can give your wife who is glaring at you and your "Tiffany," a stripper from a club you frequent, a flimsy excuse. But I doubt that anything you say outside of "I am having a heart attack," will phase her.
And then there are men who are "masters of mischief," the men who thrive on sleeping with other women besides their wives at home. And when caught, they offer the following reasons that I call . . .
"Completely Stupid Things Men Say When They Are Caught Cheating"
NOTE: the guy's wife's comments will follow his "reasons" for cheating.
"HONEY, THIS ISN'T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE okay what is it then with you, the married man in bed with your wife's sexy third cousin from Louisiana here for a visit? Oh, you were showing "Lulu," how to lower her blood pressure by taking short breaths? Then explain why your slacks are laid over on the other bed?
"I HEARD A DEMONIC VOICE SAY go on and take that strange lady to a motel out of town. And honey, I did." "I don't love her and it was only a physical happening. No love at all. So where we eating after while?"
"I WAS HEADED HOME WHEN THIS HELPLESS GIRL flagged me down here in front of the Galaxy Hotel, Bar and Grill and needed a man to open her truck of clothing she bought in Georgia. As I strained to open the lid that was mildewed stuck, I stumbled onto the bed and didn't see "Sally Jo," laying there in her yellow panties and bra. Guess she was hot and wanted to cool off because as you can see, the antique air conditioner doesn't work.
"THIS WAS A WORK PROJECT that is really "top secret," so hun, you can't tell a soul. Even your coffee-drinking girlfriend, "Sue," from across the street. My company is running tests on women between the ages of 22 and 30 to see how they will react if they are put in an uncomfortable situation and we get their blood pressure, pulse and heart rate and compare those stats to a medical computer at work. What are my pants doing off? Well, the darn things attract too much static electricity that causes me to not get a good reading."
"WHO AM I? WHERE AM I? is that you, baby? You look a lot like my wife. I wish someone would tell me what is going on - - with me and this cheerleader from UCLA in this Marriott hotel, air conditioned I might add, with champagne, caviar and we are in bath robes. Honey, if that's you, call our psychiatrist. I don't know my name or how I got here. I suppose your alter ego made the room reservations, ordered the bubbly and grub and your cheerleader friend just appeared?
"I WAS BLACK MAILED by a group of merciless thugs from Iraq who said they would do bad things to you, honey, and the kids if I didn't keep this shapely 25-year old brunette company this afternoon. Yeah. I see the gun being held to your head."
"YOU ARE NEVER HOME and I got lonely. This girl, "Sue," was on a "Husband Crisis Line" and after hearing my lonely dilemma of not ever seeing you, honey, she was more than glad to soothe my pain. Wonder where I was? Working my butt off since you up and quit your job for having to get up too early--at 7 a.m.!"
"I FELT SO UNAPPRECIATED at home, dear. I get these sexual urges and since you are sick with the flu, I just got weak and called my "old flame" of six years ago, the girl I broke up with before I met you, and she said she was willing to sacrifice herself to make me feel needed and . . .appreciated." Well you two have a great time appreciating each other."
"IT'S PLAYBOY'S FAULT for me being here with this cocktail waitress, "Blaze." I really get into the Playboy Channel and seeing all those pretty bunnies, well, I just lose control. You understand, don't you, dearest, "honey, wunny, bunny?" Yeah, sure do. This makes the fifth time this week you have lost control." Just marry Hugh Hefner and stay with your rabbit girls."
"I HAVE AN OLD FOOTBALL INJURY from when I was in college. I got a hard hit in my head and sometimes I "black out," and do things without knowing it. Guess being here with this airline stewardess is just one of those things. Funny, it's always another woman, not running nude through a laundry mat. You stay here with Miss United Airlines and try to figure out where "I" will be.
And finally . . .
"I HAVE A JAMES BOND FANTASY about rescuing girls in danger. Like this one, "Jodi," who works online talking to men in hot, sexy voices. She said on the phone this morning that she was secretly in trouble and "needed me" to come to her aid. So I bought a new suit, some sunglasses, a handgun and traded our station wagon for a black Camry, and here I am. I was just getting ready to set her free." "Good, Agent 007. Keep it up. There's a lot more girls who "need" your talents. I am not one of them. Goodbye."
There are the more-understandable things that come from men's lips when they are caught cheating on their wives or girlfriends.
And honestly, I can fully-understand why these guys' (although fictional) wives suddenly adapt a cold, heartless "don't care" attitude toward them not just for a week or two . . . but for each waking hour of their lives.
And whom among us can blame them?