- Gender and Relationships»
- Separation & Divorce
Surviving divorce/separation after a long term relationship ends
It's a lonely old life out there
You suddenly find yourself alone, lonely and by yourself. Walking into the empty house you have to fight the feeling to turn around and run from the emptiness into the emptiness. What the hell do you do now ? I cannot give you the answers to this question only you can. In my case my wife of twenty years walked out with another man. Hold on a minute.... it was without doubt the best thing she had ever done for me. I sort of knew that then and I definitely know this now. I was the type of guy who needed a partner to function. My marriage had turned into a horribly dysfunctional relationship over the years, but it was still my relationship. The things I had to do and the daily routine I had carved out for myself was mine and mine alone. It was my comfort zone. What type of a person stops at the door on returning from work and takes three deliberate deep slow breaths, like some sprinter about to crouch in the blocks. What type of person constantly changes inner morals and rules as to what is normal behaviour to validate a bad partner and in turn your very existence just for a quiet life. I blame my Catholic upbringing for that, that and an inability to admit I'm a failure. That last bit was to change for sure over the first few months of being by myself.
If there is one piece of advice I could give a newly separated person it would be don't look to the arms of another person for solace. If you are an uncaring serial cheater type you don't need to read this, you my good friends will be fine. If you have a modicum of conscience read on. After a twenty year faithful relationship you are forever changed you are no longer the person you once were in your early twenties. Sorry for stating the obvious. The last thing you need to "fix" you is someone else. The thing you really need is time by yourself to "fix" yourself.
There is an exception, there always is. I went to see a prostitute....Hold on a minute there I didn't sleep with her. I picked her out of a room full of scantily clad beautiful women, she was just my type, the type of woman I had always wanted. Young, athletic,exotic,dark and mysterious I had every intention of making her earn her money that night. She did ! I lay in her arms and cried like a baby. She hugged me and kissed my forehead, stroked my hair and whispered in my ear in Spanish. I have no idea what the hell she was saying it didn't matter, I didn't need to know. She wiped my tears away, kissed me on my eyelids and announced that my time was up. My time was up, it was time to move on.
I had to find out what sort of a person I was. I had to get to like the sort of person I was. Then maybe I stood a chance of the Hollywood ending I craved for. You know the one, where you get the girl after saving the world, getting the big pay-off both moral and financial and killing all the baddies too. Then drive off into the distance to a life of waiting happiness where nothing ever goes wrong again.