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Symmetry in relationships

Updated on December 13, 2017

Symmetry in relationships

A lot from human suffering and disappointment comes from being unaware of Self, own needs, desires and therefore lying to self about what we want, are we able to compromise and how we can make the relationship last. In such state of mind we enter romance welcoming usually a person being in the same position. So we start to charm each other, more or less consciously.

We think we know exactly what we want, but as we continue to explore life together, we find some little scratches in understanding, getting along and we don’t know why. Everything should be as we planned and agreed on. But it is not. Unhappiness creeps in, lack of fulfillment is harder to ignore. Yet we are coping well, just move less, eat more, drink more and work harder… hoping things will be better… And sometimes it gets better, but always temporarily.

Perhaps that pain could be avoided or at least lessened if we would paid more attention at the beginning of our connection to someone. We usually don’t because this is a phase of fairy tale we wish to keep on living on and on. But here is where we could look at the perfect picture a bit closer...

Congruence once again

If a person tells you that is allowing freedom, is not jealous, etc. yet is asking every time you have a phone call, who called, questioning why you are going somewhere, trying to convince you of not going, etc. you have something to think about. In a romantic phase you won’t be bothered that much. You will interpret everything in your favor floating on the rush of love, convincing self that the person is just enormously caring, how nice.

It is not about finding people congruent, as nobody is all the time. It takes probably mastery to be that at all times. However whatever is confusing you in the behavior and wordy claim of another, needs to be discussed. There must be here more insight and understanding in order to decide what comes next.


Going through phases

Getting along for years doesn’t mean it will be continued. We all go through different stages and we cannot guarantee we won’t. Ignoring it and trying to comply to the partner while something within us needs a change of a lifestyle, will never end well. The question is, can the new be welcomed by our partner and how. Can we still grow together? If yes, fantastic. If not, the least we can do is be honest about it.

New phase is not the end of the world

Your partner is a mirror in a way of what you are going through. If you are not aware that you are entering new period, the closest person to you will probably sense that from you earlier. If communication is possible, you both can get more information of how that will affect your connection and if for the better.

That requires following the feelings of another. Is your dear one just accusing you of something you are convinced you are not doing or indeed sensing upcoming change? And what it means for both of you?

The one reason why people have trouble of talking honestly is fear. Even if one person wants to desperately get out of a relationship and is not caring anymore from different reasons, often is not able to say the truth, being afraid of the reaction. Lack of courage is sometimes observed in actions like this: “he, she broke up with me by sms, I cannot believe that!”


What does it mean to have a symmetry in relationship?

Obviously having something in common, liking similar things,is not enough. Symmetry is the similar way of thinking and feeling. It is more about how you view the world, what is your destination and how you are getting there.

If both of you are obsessed about career, then symmetry is how you think about it, what matters to you, how you go about it. It will reduce or strengthen potential conflict or harmony between both of you.

You can have a symmetry in some of the situations, things and not in others, however there are some crucial points that are most important. It is crucial to know Self to not compromise where it could be harmful to you.


There is of course no prescription about how to get, have, keep symmetry in relationship. However there are few basic guidelines. I would think of these points:

1. Self awareness – checking with Self what I am standing for, what is most important, where are my lines, rules I follow, etc.

2. Paying attention what the other is showing you, congruency and brining more awarness in interraction, if possible. Open communication. In case of differences, discussing how to go about it.

3. Checking on each other regularily, respecting each other phases, lifestyles, seeing where you meet, is that enough?


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      Iwona 3 months ago

      Great article Joanna!! Eckhar Tolle explains it in a simply way....

      I always listen to him when I feel bad about the situation with my partner or me understanding and clarity who we are and the fact that fear and love are the biggest feelings manipulating us. Love yourself and leave the Ego behind! You are whole and you are enough!

    • Joanna Pilatowicz profile image

      Joanna Pilatowicz 3 months ago from Germany

      Thank you for your interesting input! Yes, it is feeling like one way street if the other person is not into communicating. However I need to address something...

      I actually met with a lot of cases where the guy was not getting any response from a women, so I will restrain from generalizing ;) Although I heard that higher percentage of men can be less communicative. You described this vicious circle so perfectly. Like actors acting out the roles and we all know how it will end...

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      Simone Camilleri 3 months ago

      An amazingly insightful article. The points the author raises are the same I've often pondered upon. What I might add to this is that communication is invariably a one-way street, with the woman wanting to iron out differences via discussion, and the man stalling or refusing to comply, or worse, refuting the existence of a problem.

      I believe that this incongruence (or lack of symmetry) in communicating one's needs is common in the majority, if not all, male-female relationships. I think it's a question of emotional intelligence which men tend to lack. Hence, the woman is either viewed as clingy or a nag and her needs remain invalidated. On the other hand, the man is viewed as uncaring and selfish.

      This asymmetry continues to create a divide between a couple which is often ignored for a long time, but in the interim, it will be having an adverse affect on the sexual side of the relationship. Men may have a tendency to view sex as a means of attaining physical release, whereby past conflict that has in his mind been resolved, will have no bearing on that single act. A woman, however, needs that symmetry in all other areas of the relationship in order to find sexual gratification.

      The seeds that are sown due to this incongruence of mind will eventually lead to sexual apathy on the woman's part, with the result that a man will feel cheated out of his 'rights' and look for sexual gratification elsewhere. And so on and so forth. A vicious circle that all begins with a man refusing to validate his partner's discontent.