- Gender and Relationships»
- Separation & Divorce
THIS RELATIONSHIP SALVAGABLE?
WAS THERE EVER ANYTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE?
When you hear yourself using this word, salvagable, that's an important clue right there. You are trying to convince yourself there is something here that is broken, when maybe there is just nothing here and never was. I know it sounds so awful.
When we observe a person struggling with the decision to return to a relationship or not, some of us immediately turn to theology. You know, “let no man put asunder.”
Or we play the commitment and integrity card. You know, “Hey, you took a vow. Are you a person of your word or what?”
It is interesting to me that we don’t first ask the person, or put ourselves in that person’s shoes and ask ourselves:
- Why are you considering going back?
- If it were me, why would I go back?
- What is there to go back to?
- What would an attempt to reconcile be about REALLY?
When a person considers going back to a relationship where they were treated poorly, very poorly, mind screwed, controlled even economically, perhaps even treated violently, violently physically, sexually, and verbally, they are considering going back, because it is, first of all, what they are most familiar with, and secondly or simultaneously, they feel powerful and in control in that relationship. I know it is a huge, HUGE paradox.
So how does that work? I am in a relationship where I am totally controlled by another person’s moods, whims, desires, needs, prowess, and even their perception of me. How do I end up in control in that relationship?
To begin with, I do not believe there is anyone in the world who could find their way to treat me with kindness. Out of that belief, I am left to spend my life with this person who I know like the back of my hand and perhaps, the back of their hand as well. I get to hold their total life happiness in the palm of my hand. I can make them happy, and I can make them furious.
Of course, over time, I find out that to be so absolutely not true. But unfortunately, many people only come to that realization after they are either physically or psychologically dead or both.
When I am in this “unkind” relationship, I am paradoxically totally “free,” in a sort of backward way. I have every excuse in the world to be free of the responsibility for standing up for myself, my personal pleasure, happiness, and my well-being. I can blame this “monster” of a human being, man or woman, for all of my difficulties and unhappiness and wounds, both physical and spiritual.
Then when this person is out of sight, I can bounce off of my sense of “I deserve” to partake in any number of addictions as a way to feel free from the bondage of the relationship and free to engage in my own pleasure and in my own life and also free to continue in the relationship.
It is also interesting that there are numerous “doors” with large signs, EXIT posted on them, constantly showing up in my life, but I refuse to walk through them. WHY?
Again, because if we exit the relationship, then we have to grow up and take complete responsibility for our entire life including all the folks we have chosen to be in relationship with and the folks that we will choose to be in relationship with in the future. If I walk through that EXIT door, I am now totally dependent upon my God and my self and my ability to reach out. I will have to learn the exciting process of “being sold” on my value and worth, which will lead me to reach out to other good people for support of every kind. But that may also include facing on a daily basis what feels like rejection. But it's not rejection. Remember, we are all growed up now, and just as we have our Yes’s and No’s, so do other people. Some times folks can support us and sometimes not. Sometimes they cannot support us today, but they will be able to support us tomorrow. But, our responsibility is to keep asking or reaching out, so we can be totally responsible and accountable for our life and not have to settle to live in a codependent relationship where we walk on eggshells and wonder if today is the day I get treated kindly or is today the day I die?
And, of course, we get really adept and skilled at walking on egg shells, and that is what feeds into the illusion that we are in control in the relationship.
Sometimes a person is convinced that God is calling them to stay the course. I would only say that if God is calling you to stay the course, you still must EXIT. That allows both you and the partner to grow up. Any future relationship will NOT be a reconciliation, but something totally new all together, like a real relationship. This is not like bones breaking and getting stronger. This is like no bone to start with. So the illusionary brokeness in the relationship is simply a flashing sign that there is nothing there to start with.
Yes, NOTHING there to start with. It is hard to swallow, hard to take in, that we would actually enter into what appears to be a loving relationship, and it is really NOTHING at all, a huge vacuum on both partner’s part, a huge emptiness, a huge NOTHING.
THINK ABOUT IT. TELL US WHAT YOU THINK. THANKS FOR READING AND COMMENTING.