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THIS RELATIONSHIP SALVAGABLE?

Updated on March 3, 2012
Are you only a shadow in the relationship?
Are you only a shadow in the relationship?
Does anyone really exist in the relationship or are you both like soul less manikins?
Does anyone really exist in the relationship or are you both like soul less manikins?
There was NOTHING there to start with
There was NOTHING there to start with
Pushing through all the signs leaves us with a sense of control when in fact.....
Pushing through all the signs leaves us with a sense of control when in fact.....
We want so much to see it as a rose garden
We want so much to see it as a rose garden
The relationship bares no life only pain
The relationship bares no life only pain
The relationship points to nowhere
The relationship points to nowhere
At times, the relationship appears mysterious, exciting, perhaps salvagable
At times, the relationship appears mysterious, exciting, perhaps salvagable
Whether or not this car is salvagable, it once was a car.  So many relationships were never a relationship in the first place
Whether or not this car is salvagable, it once was a car. So many relationships were never a relationship in the first place
So many signs, so many invitations to exit
So many signs, so many invitations to exit

WAS THERE EVER ANYTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE?

When you hear yourself using this word, salvagable, that's an important clue right there. You are trying to convince yourself there is something here that is broken, when maybe there is just nothing here and never was. I know it sounds so awful.

When we observe a person struggling with the decision to return to a relationship or not, some of us immediately turn to theology. You know, “let no man put asunder.”

Or we play the commitment and integrity card. You know, “Hey, you took a vow. Are you a person of your word or what?”

It is interesting to me that we don’t first ask the person, or put ourselves in that person’s shoes and ask ourselves:

  1. Why are you considering going back?
  2. If it were me, why would I go back?
  3. What is there to go back to?
  4. What would an attempt to reconcile be about REALLY?

When a person considers going back to a relationship where they were treated poorly, very poorly, mind screwed, controlled even economically, perhaps even treated violently, violently physically, sexually, and verbally, they are considering going back, because it is, first of all, what they are most familiar with, and secondly or simultaneously, they feel powerful and in control in that relationship. I know it is a huge, HUGE paradox.

So how does that work? I am in a relationship where I am totally controlled by another person’s moods, whims, desires, needs, prowess, and even their perception of me. How do I end up in control in that relationship?

To begin with, I do not believe there is anyone in the world who could find their way to treat me with kindness. Out of that belief, I am left to spend my life with this person who I know like the back of my hand and perhaps, the back of their hand as well. I get to hold their total life happiness in the palm of my hand. I can make them happy, and I can make them furious.

Of course, over time, I find out that to be so absolutely not true. But unfortunately, many people only come to that realization after they are either physically or psychologically dead or both.

When I am in this “unkind” relationship, I am paradoxically totally “free,” in a sort of backward way. I have every excuse in the world to be free of the responsibility for standing up for myself, my personal pleasure, happiness, and my well-being. I can blame this “monster” of a human being, man or woman, for all of my difficulties and unhappiness and wounds, both physical and spiritual.

Then when this person is out of sight, I can bounce off of my sense of “I deserve” to partake in any number of addictions as a way to feel free from the bondage of the relationship and free to engage in my own pleasure and in my own life and also free to continue in the relationship.

It is also interesting that there are numerous “doors” with large signs, EXIT posted on them, constantly showing up in my life, but I refuse to walk through them. WHY?

Again, because if we exit the relationship, then we have to grow up and take complete responsibility for our entire life including all the folks we have chosen to be in relationship with and the folks that we will choose to be in relationship with in the future. If I walk through that EXIT door, I am now totally dependent upon my God and my self and my ability to reach out. I will have to learn the exciting process of “being sold” on my value and worth, which will lead me to reach out to other good people for support of every kind. But that may also include facing on a daily basis what feels like rejection. But it's not rejection. Remember, we are all growed up now, and just as we have our Yes’s and No’s, so do other people. Some times folks can support us and sometimes not. Sometimes they cannot support us today, but they will be able to support us tomorrow. But, our responsibility is to keep asking or reaching out, so we can be totally responsible and accountable for our life and not have to settle to live in a codependent relationship where we walk on eggshells and wonder if today is the day I get treated kindly or is today the day I die?

And, of course, we get really adept and skilled at walking on egg shells, and that is what feeds into the illusion that we are in control in the relationship.

Sometimes a person is convinced that God is calling them to stay the course. I would only say that if God is calling you to stay the course, you still must EXIT. That allows both you and the partner to grow up. Any future relationship will NOT be a reconciliation, but something totally new all together, like a real relationship. This is not like bones breaking and getting stronger. This is like no bone to start with. So the illusionary brokeness in the relationship is simply a flashing sign that there is nothing there to start with.

Yes, NOTHING there to start with. It is hard to swallow, hard to take in, that we would actually enter into what appears to be a loving relationship, and it is really NOTHING at all, a huge vacuum on both partner’s part, a huge emptiness, a huge NOTHING.

THINK ABOUT IT. TELL US WHAT YOU THINK. THANKS FOR READING AND COMMENTING.

CHECK OUT MY YOU TUBE CHANNEL

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    • vrbmft profile imageAUTHOR

      Vernon Bradley 

      6 years ago from Yucaipa, California

      Dancing Water

      THANKS for checking out the book. It is a fun book, designed to be read out loud together OR anyway you wish to read it! By yourself or with someone else. It is easy to read, humorous, thought provoking, challenging, profound, with a good portion of spirituality woven in.

      Vern

    • vrbmft profile imageAUTHOR

      Vernon Bradley 

      6 years ago from Yucaipa, California

      You are welcome. Took me a long time to come to that awareness of just being in the relationship. It has made my relationship with one of my siblings so much more "rewarding" (for me) and less painful.

      I forgot to comment earlier, I really like the shedding skin analogy.

      Thanks again for giving so much new energy to this hub.

      Vern

    • Dancing Water profile image

      Dancing Water 

      6 years ago

      Wow! Thank you so much, Vern! Yes, I believe that just BEING in the relationship with my siblings is the answer for me. I feel I should pay you for that sterling insight! Your generous answer was akin to a mini therapy session!

      By the way, I noticed a boo-boo in my response to your wonderful hub. I meant to say that we are designed to shed our skins, so to speak, in order to evolve and transform.

      Thanks again for the counseling!

    • vrbmft profile imageAUTHOR

      Vernon Bradley 

      6 years ago from Yucaipa, California

      Thanks for reading and commenting, Dancing Water. Wonderful to see a sort of "old" hub get some attention. And I think it is quite a relevant topic.

      Relationships of every kind are interesting to say the least, and it is always difficult to know when to stop working so hard to make a relationship work. Sometimes it is especially difficult when it comes to relationships with siblings. I know that is a big issue for me, and I have learned to be healthy myself in the relationship and be willing to receive what ever the other has to offer whether that be a lot, a little, or nothing! I think sometimes, when it comes to friends and siblings, we get focused on what we are not receiving reciprocally and that keeps us from recognizing that we can just BE in the relationship without doing anything especially without leaving the relationship. That approach can work in a "living-together" relationship if one is willing to have minimal or zero interaction in the relationship, but it also defeats the meaning of living together.

      Did that make sense? Hope so! Thanks again for reading and commenting. Looking forward to reading more of your hubs.

      Vern

    • Dancing Water profile image

      Dancing Water 

      6 years ago

      Thought provoking article! I agree that sometimes there is NOTHING to begin with! I am experiencing that with a sibling at present. We had not had direct contact for most of our lives, and now we are attempting to be one another's best friend. I feel that energetically we are operating at a different vibration. Therefore, we cannot be as close as we were hoping in that there is a giant disconnect. We misinterpret, offend , and hurt one another on a regular basis, and finally have decided to be friends who help one another, but who are not emotionally intimate. Sad, but I believe it may be necessary.

      Back to your hub though, once a relationship is a dead shark (a la Annie Hall), no amount of mouth-to-mouth can revive it. However, if there is a strong core of friendship with which to begin, then a friendship is still possible, which, in my estimate, is worth a great deal.

      No one wants to end a marriage, and I understand all the reasons one can talk oneself into staying, in that if feels familiar and "safe." However, the way we are designed is to shed the skin that keeps us from evolving, and ultimately transforming. If partners don't mutually help one another to transform, then the relationship cannot thrive.

      Thank you for your honest assessment as to whether a relationship is salvageable. Now off to amazon to check out your book!

      Thank you again for an interesting, fun to read, enlightening hub!

    • Jean Bakula profile image

      Jean Bakula 

      6 years ago from New Jersey

      Hi Vern,

      It is a long time. I can look at his face, and know exactly what he's thinking. We bought a new car last week, and I realized he's been with me every time I bought a car all my life. I met him right before my 19th B-day. I'd be lost. You are right, it's best to discover new interests and ways to be happy with each other. Thanks.

    • vrbmft profile imageAUTHOR

      Vernon Bradley 

      6 years ago from Yucaipa, California

      Hi SPIRIT WHISPERER

      Thank you for your kind feedback. In recent years, I have practiced living in this very moment and I think living there with God, helps me breathe thru and around and over and thru the fear. I think!!

      JEAN

      Thirty two years is a long long long time, altho at times, it probably feels like yesterday. If you stay, discover, create a way to stay that brings both of you life. Thank you for the info on the blog and I will check it out. I find life quite life!! And I am so happy to be alive and living life. With all the challenges and at times pain and sadness, it is absolutely mawvelous. I hope some day we can all see the advantages of living without war.

      Thanks so much for reading and commenting.

      Best wishes to you as well.

      Vern

    • Jean Bakula profile image

      Jean Bakula 

      6 years ago from New Jersey

      Hi Vern,

      I think as a relationship ages, and we also age, sometimes we don't change together, and it causes issues like you describe. I've been married for 32 yrs. We love each other, and depend on each other, but there are problems and I have considered leaving. But it's been so many years I don't think we know how to be without each other. I wish you luck. I began a new metaphysical blog, and I am continuing the Venus in the Astrology signs series. Wasn't yours in Cancer? The blog is www.spiritualitypathways.com if you want to check it out. Best wishes. Jean

    • Spirit Whisperer profile image

      Xavier Nathan 

      6 years ago from Isle of Man

      For most people fear paralyses but for a special few the fear is felt but it does not immobilize them. You Vern are one such person and that is what comes through in all your writing. I just had to say this.Thank you for sharing.

    • vrbmft profile imageAUTHOR

      Vernon Bradley 

      6 years ago from Yucaipa, California

      Hi Spirit Whisperer

      Thanks for reading and for the comments. I never thought I would journey through so many different relationship experiences, some quite painful, but going through them allows me to share some light perhaps for someone else. We can get so caught up in how life is supposed to be or should be that we do not allow ourselves to see how life is.

      Thanks again for reading and commenting.

      Vern

    • Spirit Whisperer profile image

      Xavier Nathan 

      6 years ago from Isle of Man

      A great hub made great by your honest and down to earth approach. You make very valid points and the topic is particularly relevant in this day and age. Thank you.

    • vrbmft profile imageAUTHOR

      Vernon Bradley 

      6 years ago from Yucaipa, California

      Hi Kim

      Glad you enjoyed the hub. I just finished doing a little more editing to make it a litter more readable or easily read or however is the best way to say such a simple thought! Glad you enjoyed the video. My computer is currently not being cooperative with my You Tube endeavors, so I have slowed down in that department. I really enjoy creating the videos.

      THANKS AGAIN. HOPE ALL IS WELL WITH YOU in Mid America!

      Vern

    • vrbmft profile imageAUTHOR

      Vernon Bradley 

      6 years ago from Yucaipa, California

      Hi KimberlyLake

      I wrote a reply to your comment and it ended up below, somehow! So, THANKS FOR READING AND COMMENTING AND see below for my "detailed" comment!!

    • vrbmft profile imageAUTHOR

      Vernon Bradley 

      6 years ago from Yucaipa, California

      Well, there are many folks who see God as "Tester" and a trickster. So they see an unhealthy relationship as an opportunity to works some kind of miracle or to follow God's will in some long-suffering sort of way. I know it's crazy if you're not stuck in that religiosity, but I see it and hear it all the time. And unfortunately some folks believe that depression is from the devil and so that is interesting. Can't be all the losses in my life which I should be able to handle with the grace of God.

      Anywho, thanks so much for reading and commenting. I appreciate it.

    • kimh039 profile image

      Kim Harris 

      6 years ago

      well done, vern - the hub and the video. voted up and interesting.

    • KimberlyLake profile image

      Kimberly Lake 

      6 years ago from California

      Interesting and informative Hub. Unhealthy relationships are not good. If you say you stay in an unhealthy relationship because you God has called you too, you might ask yourself if God would want you to be depressed, abused or tortured. I think to improve any relationship we have to reflect on our own actions and reasons for staying.

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