Taking the high road with a low-down dirty dog.
I wouldn't say I'm extremely prideful, but being a Leo woman and mother, there is some pride in there. I am a good mom, a GREAT mom, and I am a strong woman. And I will not be voiceless anymore. But as a wise and wonderful man said to me just today in regards to feeling voiceless about the things my ex has done to me, "You're speaking by taking control, by your actions."
I suppose I should back pedal and introduce myself. I am a 46 year-old mother of four, two boys and two girls, in that order. My oldest three children are grown adults, my youngest daughter is a teenager. I was married for 22 years, all four of my children have the same mother and father, him and I. I was 20 when we met. Young, out of a bad relationship, hurt, scared, abused, careless, self-destructive. But I was also lonely, needy, and had already paved a clear path of being an enabler. So he sniffed me out a mile away. He was 29, a very active alcoholic, which I had no real understanding of. He was charming, mildly attractive, funny, and made himself available to me. No, he sought me out. He was not on my radar at all, but he pursued me. Now, the next part I have thought about a lot; you would think I would say that we fell madly in love anyway, and that I was head-over-heels despite his issues, and that he had his good side, and blah blah blah. Truth is, he was horrible from the start and I was too dumb to see it. That, my friends, is the truth. I was not head-over-heels in love with him, I did not have that googly feeling of love that I thought could overcome any obstacle. I know that now, because I now know how that head-over-heels, googly being in love feeling truly feels.
Fast forward to current time, many years and four children later. The inspiration for this blog in this particular situation right now is this: CHILD SUPPORT.
A month or so ago my ex decided that he didn't like the way that I was spending HIS child support money for HIS child. He thought it would be an awesome idea to take more than half of his monthly child support out to set up an account for our daughter which would go towards 1) spending money for her, and 2) a car for when she turns 16. Of course, I immediately, and with as few words as possible said no, and that made him angry. And from there many hateful e-mails passed between us (he is blocked, cannot text me), finally ending with him saying that he was going to do it and if I didn't like it that I should get a lawyer. Well, most of us know that getting a lawyer is not necessary due to the fact that our child support had been decided upon in the divorce, and all I needed was to contact Child Support Enforcement, but he is too stupid to know that. So, I simply informed him that I felt he left me no choice but to contact Child Support Enforcement.
Well, he apparently heard from them this weekend. And with all that being said, the point for me is this: After all the shit he has pulled on me over our 20 something years of knowing each other, and trust me, some of it is heinous, when and in what situations do I take the high road, be a lady, and just do what I need to do? Why is there no accountability for him? I struggle with the fact that life-long friends of ours do not believe me, and/or don't want to hear what I have to say. I try to comfort myself by saying things like this, "You know the truth, you did what you had to do, you don't need to lower your standards and be like him, and it will only hurt our children if you did." I should say that yes, there have been times when I can't help myself and I say too much, say mean things about the kids' dad to the kids. But there are also times when I bite my tongue. My kids are smart, they know who their dad is, I don't need to tell them.
But inside I feel angry. I get angry that I protected him. I protected our kids, our friends, our family and acquaintances from who he really is, what he has really done, what he has done to me. I didn't want to admit that I was allowing my husband to do the things that he was doing. But somewhere I found the courage and left. And now? Now he is mean to me, but I don't have to put up with it. I don't have to tolerate his manipulation tactics anymore! Thus, why I contacted Child Support Enforcement in the first place. Money...a huge manipulation tool. I eliminated one of his last few tools of manipulation, and it made him angry. And I took the high road, I did not let it get to me, I barely responded, and I'm moving on. (As I air my dirty laundry in this blog. :))
The point of the blog is this: I am done being voiceless. Done catering to his dysfunction and desire to control me. Done allowing him to affect me. It bothers me to know that there are many other women out there like me; mom's sitting in church next to their abusive husbands. Mom's volunteering at their kids' schools. Mom's pushing their kids in grocery carts getting food to cook for their ungrateful husbands. Mom's standing at their kitchen sinks white-knuckling through their lives hoping that someday, somehow, they might actually not be miserable. Well, here I am without that ungrateful, mean, abusive, low-down-dirty-dog of a man. I have found love with a kind, handsome, giving and loving man. I live alone and struggle financially, but my life now is a gamble I made and won when I left my ex. There is hope, there is always hope.