ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Tales From An Again Single Man Part 3

Updated on April 30, 2010

Hey, look, I know it wouldn't happen, even if the scenario included aliens, no other living human beings, malt liquor and hot pokers, ok? I'm just trying to explain how old fat guys like myself get these fantasies that we could win over such women as Liz, and on a good day, Megan Fox. So eat a nice s'more and read on, skippy. Ladies, stop laughing so hard, you might learn something here.

In fantasy mode, I took Liz back to my 40th year high school reunion. Which isn't for another four years, but I was giving her time to drop this guy she was presently cradling and search me out after stumbling across this article on Hubpages. Did I mention this was a fantasy?

So in I walk to the reunion, standing tall and proud with Liz on my arm. But even in fantasy mode I was still at least two inches shorter than she, and I looked like I was walking in on her arm. Still, this was Liz Cordonier and I was, well, me. So who cares if her large, thin fingers could palm a basketball while I have trouble palming pine tar?

Former classmates from the Franklin Academy Class of '89 looked on with baffled glances and curious stares. The men were all approaching me and saying, "You've done well for yourself!" Then they'd disappear quickly, whispering, "What the hell does she see in him?" The women were just plain ignoring me completely and saying, "Doesn't he look silly next to her?" By the end of the reunion, my nickname had become "Short Stuff," while Liz was referred to as, "obviously drunk."

Meanwhile, back in Kitsilano, the volleyball game at hand had paused momentarily. And this is when I glanced down at the real Liz Cordonier, less than two feet away, just as she looked back at her boyfriend.

In a moment I will relive forever in my mind, Liz Cordonier caught my stare. Unfortunately, her expression didn't change as she continued moving her eyes past mine to meet those of her boyfriend. It was as if I - and the drool running down the side of my mouth - weren't even there. I was a nobody. Invisible. Which made me realize that this entire thing with guys like me wanting women like her is just asinine.

Besides, even if normal guys like me had a shot at wonder women like Liz, it would be a living hell! Who thinks Brad Pitt deserves Angelina? Not even Brad does! And then there was Lady Di and Prince Charles for all those years. Those two looked as good together as hot fudge and patio bricks. I don't want anyone thinking about that with me and my gal. No way. Never.

And it won't. Hey, I think Sandra Bullock and I would look quite nice together... she's closer to my age and now she's single again too. After all I'm much better looking than Jesse James, I am strictly monogamous and I'm nowhere near a Nazi lover or sympathizer.

Back To Start


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • alahiker28 profile image

      Vicki Parker 

      8 years ago from the Deep South

      When will you guys learn, looks aren't everything ; )


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)