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Talk before you wed. 5 topics to discuss with your partner before marriage

Updated on July 1, 2014

Save your marriage before it starts.

In the early glow of fresh love, where the rush of being together is all consuming it is easy to believe that you found the perfect unflawed partner. Eagerly you both plan your wedding focus on the all important details of your special day, and the dream honeymoon that will follow. Inviting your friends and family you say those vows that are meant to bind you together for ever.

But one vital key factor that so many new couples getting married overlook is the planning needed beyond the big day. Marriage is a promise but it is also a contract between you both. Look at what expectations you are both bringing into the term "Husband and Wife"

We all have some idea of what marriage is and what that will mean to us. Talk together and create a joint idea of what your marriage will be.

You have no doubt heard that communication is the cornerstone of any good marriage, and it is needed even before you buy the ring.

As well as talking, about your wedding day, make it a priority to sit down and discuss some of the following issues.

Money and marriage

Financial issues in a marriage are one of the highest contributes to divorce in a lot of countries, from the very start of this conversation with your partner be honest about any debts you may have, work out any debts that either of you are bringing to the relationship, how they can be dealt with and by whom. Discuss how to combine your money once you are married, how the bills will be paid and a budget you both will be happy to work with. Choose if you will have joint bank accounts, Savings and life insurance are they important to one of you or both of you?

Always be truthful about your situation never exaggerate or lie by omission.

Sex

As strange as this one might seem to be, it’s a good to discuss it as you both may have different expectations of what marriage will bring to this area.

How many times a week? Fore play? Turn-ons? Role play? Places? Kinky? As funny as this conversation may be to have, it at least gives a good idea on what each other are looking for out of this intimate and very important part of a long term relationship.

Talking about sex is a good way to keep it fresh later, so it never hurts to get into the habit

On a side note, raising the topic of infidelity, may seem a little pessamtic, but discuss the "what if" scenario out, what is cheating? What would you do? How would you like to find out? Would you not like to find out?

It’s always good to know where the lines not to cross are and what the consequence for crossing them would be.

Workload

It is a good idea to talk about the division of labour in the home, discuss how this will work our right down too who cooks dinner? Who washes the car? Who does the food shopping? Who takes out the trash? Etc

Now is a good time to confess if you are a neat freak who loves to clean but yells over wet towels on the floor, the second they are dropped.

Look at the amount of hours that you both work and consider taking that into account when working out the chores of your new home. You both want to be comfortable with what to expect and what is expected of you.

Children

The desire to have children differs from person to person, so this is one that needs to be brought up. Together, talk about how you feel about having kids, do you want kids? If you do want them, how many do you want? Are you willing to comprise on that number? Discuss what options you would follow if for any reason you couldn't have children together, adopting? Fostering? Cute puppy?

Who will be the primary caregiver? What kind of parents do you want to be? How will you discipline?

The more you talk about this subject the better team you will make when the time comes.

If your partner wants the opposite of you in this matter, you will need to talk more, because you shouldn't go into a marriage hoping to change their mind about having kids. It won’t work out.

Religion

the impact it will have in your lives is up to the both of you, be respectful of what your partner believes or doesn't believe, decide together what influence you are both happy for it have over your lives.

When it comes to children, decide together what it is that you are both comfortable teaching them and how you are going to do that.

Future goals

Set yourselves a 5 year goal plan, write down things that you both want to achieve together

And things that you can support your partner to achieve.

Break the goals down into smaller steps, so you can see where you want to take not only your relationship but the life you now share together

Pre- marriage counselling

The help this service can give is un-measurable when done honestly with each other. Having that third person to help cut though any misunderstandings, and arrange an agreement that you are both happy with, can do a lot of good for those of us not good at comprising

A lot of churches provide this service as part and parcel of your wedding.

But if you have any issues over the six topics I have listed I would recommended going to a marriage counselor to help you work though this pre marriage issues so you can move on to a happy peaceful union, two joined as one.




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    • nighthag profile imageAUTHOR

      K.A.E Grove 

      8 years ago from Australia

      we put so much time into planning every aspect of our lives together and just assume that the reltionship itself will survivie anything, which it can with the right about of planning and understanding

      thanks for taking the time to stop in

    • Robert Erich profile image

      Robert Erich 

      8 years ago from California

      This is all very good advice. Having these conversations can undoubtedly prevent much more trouble in the future. No one wants a divorce - we may as well think ahead to help prevent this. Thanks for the great article. I enjoyed the read.

    • nighthag profile imageAUTHOR

      K.A.E Grove 

      8 years ago from Australia

      Old roses

      Thank you for sharing your story here, I am sure it must have been devastating to have your marriage fall apart that way.

      hopefully others will take note of your story and talk to their partners before walking down the aisle

    • nighthag profile imageAUTHOR

      K.A.E Grove 

      8 years ago from Australia

      Mama Kim

      I am so pleased that you found this useful :)

      Having lived with my husband for a few years before we were married I thought we had discussed everything and agreed on all the things above

      But with the title of husband and wife came all these unrealized expectations that almost drove us apart.

      It wasn't until we got marriage counseling that we discovered what we had missed talking about.

      Having a shared plan for our marriage is what saved it.

      Thank you so much for sharing and the votes up!

    • OldRoses profile image

      Caren White 

      8 years ago

      Fabulous advice. I definitely wouldn't have married my now ex-husband if we had discussed children before marrying. I was young and naïve and assumed that having children was part of marriage. It wasn't until an unplanned pregnancy that I discovered that my husband did not want children. Most of the issues you discuss contributed to our divorce. This hub is very insightful and a must-read for all couples contemplating marriage.

    • Mama Kim 8 profile image

      Sasha Kim 

      8 years ago

      Absolutely correct! I wonder how many people wouldn't get married if they truly discussed these things. I'm not so sure I would have married my husband if we had fully discussed how we wanted to raise and discipline our children. We've thankfully overcome them and found compromise but it was tough just after our first child was born. Voted up and useful!!

      I always love reading relationship advise from someone whose been married much longer than myself.

    • nighthag profile imageAUTHOR

      K.A.E Grove 

      8 years ago from Australia

      Mathira

      thank you so much for taking the time to read :)

      so many couples get lost in that exxciting rush of love and connection that the larger issues often get forgetton

    • mathira profile image

      mathira 

      8 years ago from chennai

      You are right nighthag.

    • nighthag profile imageAUTHOR

      K.A.E Grove 

      9 years ago from Australia

      I believe it is so important to talk about the kind of marriage you want before you get married, I am so glad tat you liked it, thanks for the follow

    • sairakhan profile image

      sairakhan 

      9 years ago from Bombay , India

      Really everyone should do this before his/her marriage.I like it.I have started following you.

    • nighthag profile imageAUTHOR

      K.A.E Grove 

      10 years ago from Australia

      couldn't agree more, healthy communication in a marriage can save it from many problems in the future, thanks so much for reading always nice to have hear your thoughts :)

    • acaetnna profile image

      acaetnna 

      10 years ago from Guildford

      Communication is the key to a happy marriage I am convinced of that. Definitely important to discuss the issues you mention here before embarking on marriage. Great hub.

    • nighthag profile imageAUTHOR

      K.A.E Grove 

      10 years ago from Australia

      Money is a huge one it?, even after 15 yrs together with my husband it is still the one thing we disagree on the most, its so important to work together on a way to deal with these disagreements in a way that doesn't hurt each other..

      thanks so much for stopping by :)

    • profile image

      Doug Turner Jr. 

      10 years ago

      It seems like you touch on the cornerstones of what makes a solid relationship. Money is such a big one, as so many people discover too late.

    • nighthag profile imageAUTHOR

      K.A.E Grove 

      10 years ago from Australia

      great communication the corner stone of great marriages, it breaks my heart when a couple split due to an ability to talk about real issues.

      thanks so much for stopping by :)

    • H.C Porter profile image

      Holly 

      10 years ago from Lone Star State

      Oh so true! So many of us forget to talk before we get started, that we doom our love and our relationship before it even begins. Nice Hub-Great Points!

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