Do You See Yourself As 'The' Ideal Man?
Do Not Get Your Feelings Hurt If YOU Are A Below-Average Man
I published a story recently, “Are You An Ideal Woman?” where I dealt with what “I” thought was an ideal woman. That story got me to thinking and that is saying a lot for hardly anyone or anything can get me to do anything. Including thinking. Thinking, I find, is just too difficult and when others, say, my friends and neighbors, do my thinking for me, well, I am not about to deprive them of the pleasure that they get from doing my thinking for me. I am not a bad man.
I thought of how rudely-neglectful that I had acted toward all the ideal men were in my readership. And how heartbroken they all must have been at someone just focusing on gorgeous, ideal females while they, the ideal, good looking-guys need love too. For this infraction, to all ideal, good-looking guys, far and near, I sincerely apologize.
And frankly, to be totally honest with you, when it comes to defining an ideal man, my hands are tied. I have no clue as to what being an ideal man feels like, what he thinks, how he navigates his work world, his hectic, exciting social life and still manages to find time to maintain his Greek-god-type of body, razor-sharp mind and always-ravishing girlfriends. Only ideal, good-looking guys know how to do all of that without breaking a sweat. Actually, ideal men DO sweat only when gorgeous ladies, single and married are nearby. True. All of us sub-par men know that all gorgeous females love to smell the perspiration on the hunky body of a well-built, ideal man. It’s like the ultimate turn-on for gorgeous women who would walk fifteen city blocks just to get a whiff from an ideal mean’s sweaty tee-shirt.
To prove my point. Visit any big city that has construction projects underway and watch how many gorgeous women just happen to be there--parading up and down the sidewalk to gaze at all the ideal men construction workers who are slithering up and down the dangerous steel girders as nimble as a mountain goat. This is the ultimate “beef cake” show for ladies. It actually beats a girl’s night out at any male strip joint.
So, with your permission, I will have to do my best to write this in first-person using the various creative energies from my male imagination to present a comprehensive, sensitive, and honest-to-the-heart look at “Are You An Ideal Man?” And to all ideal men, I am going to give this story my all so that you will be that much more proud of your perfect, ideal body and image that 99% of all the ladies who are reading this, love to watch and dream about as they sleep.
I wish I could say in all honesty, that ideal men come in all shapes and sizes, but that would be a complete fabrication. Ideal men only come in one shape: well-built and muscular. Ideal men only come in one size: tall, thin, and six-foot, three-inches tall or taller. There is no such thing as a short ideal man. And there is no such thing as an overweight, wheeze-when-he-walks, ideal man. Now, ideal men DO come in all colors--white, black, red, Asian, Latino, Puerto Rican and other races, and they all command respect and lust from any and all ladies present when they come into the room.
Ideal men are always in-shape. Year around. It doesn’t matter. The ideal man stays in tip-top, Navy Seal shape without darkening the door of the gym. Mother Nature loves ideal men for some reason. And she keeps guys like me around for comedy relief. This is true. So do not try to soothe my feelings about being a non-ideal man, telling me to ‘love myself for the person that I am,‘ for I have no feelings at all about this area of my life. I am smart enough to look in the mirror and see the truth. Another way I see the bitter truth is when I see pictures of male models inside men’s clothing stores in major shopping malls. These ideal men male models, all look important and have ‘that’ look in their eyes that says to all the ladies, “I can have any woman I want. Anywhere. Anytime,” and I for one, do not argue with that for I know that this statement is absolutely true.
I was at no point in my life from birth through today, an ideal boy or man. Now I did, in my twenties, buy a complete weight set to build my body up like a Mr. Universe. That flopped like a bad pancake. I dieted until I almost died from malnutrition. Oh, I was thin, but looked like a corpse in that cult classic, “Night of The Living Dead.” So much for my one-time attempt at being an ideal man. I am not even in the least, proud that I tried to be an ideal man. There was absolutely nothing gained. But one entire year wasted out of my life. No more. And with that, enough about me.
An ideal man is always a golden tan--year around and with no visits to any tanning salon. I cannot begin to explain this phenomenon. And ideal men’s hair always looks in-style even when an ideal man is not even trying to be stylish--the wind loves ideal men for the wind grooms their hair and keeps it swept back and sometimes for that “ultra-ideal man male model” look, their hair is in their deep ‘baby blues’ that lure any woman to do whatever the ideal man asks.
The ideal man doesn’t work for minimum wage. He is either the boss, manager, superintendent, or business owner. It is just not in an ideal man’s DNA to work for meager wages and have to take orders from anyone. Have you ever in your life seen an ideal man who is employed at an all-night convenience store? No. Have you ever seen an ideal man sweeping streets or working for the sanitation department? Again, no. Ideal men, for some cosmic unexplainable reason, just walk into the huge corporation’s office building, talk for a few minutes (a formality) with the CEO, or human resources manager, and then, out of the blue, and no surprise to the ideal man, he is given a high-level management position starting him out with $150,000.00 yearly; a $50,000.00 a month expense account; company car, preferably a Bentley; two Asian personal secretaries who both have IQ’s of 157; 15 days a month off for personal days; paid three-weeks a year vacation; major medical; surgical; dental and a free room anytime he chooses at any Marriott hotel in the United States. Things like this are common occurrences daily for the tanned, blond hair, blue eyed, ideal man.
An ideal man, for the most part, is a college graduate--Harvard Business School is the college of choice for all ideal men who want to start at the top. There is no ‘working his way up,’ for he is at the top and sudden-friends with the CEO and his family. The ideal man is always invited to the boss’ home in the country for dinner and to wow the boss with his latest brainstorms, which the boss automatically loves when he first hears them. Does this sound like a Disney fantasy? Well it is not. Ideal men get to do things like this all of the time. Have you ever known of an average (or below average man like me) man having such swift success? No. And you won’t because there is a world of difference between an ideal man and an average man.
The ideal man always attracts money, success, beautiful women and power. It’s like opening a bag of Golden Flake potato chips and casually eating chip after chip--it’s is that easy for any ideal man to go from riches to riches in a matter of a day, maybe a day and a half. There is that something that all corporation CEO’s trust about an ideal man. Is it his steely-blue eyes that stare into space and seldom blink for his super concentration? Or his always-in-style fashion choices that say to the higher-up’s, and anyone who might come into his view, “Hey, you are looking at success. Anything I touch will be successful,” and with his slow, calculating way of walking, you better know that the ideal man is destined for all the success and fame that he can handle.
What do ideal men do for fun? Well, the primary idea of having fun, is to gather at the city’s most-expensive and elaborate club with other ideal men and spend an afternoon talking about how great it is to be an ideal man. They don’t have tip their waitress. The waitress tips them for just gracing the bar with their presence. The choice of drink for the ideal man is expensive and very-aged Scotch Whiskey flown-in on private jets from Ireland just for them. And for their token charity work for that day, the ideal men scan the crowd in the bar, and pick out an average woman and simply wink at her to make her feel good about her middle-management job as an assistant corporate lawyer working in a patent-research office. Now the crowd in the bar is already staring at the round table of ideal men, and the crowd is mostly adoring women and men who are so intimidated by the ideal men that they just sit and stare into their glasses of beer.
The ideal man, from birth to death, does not know the meaning of the word: LOSE, only WIN. It’s a natural act of breeding and nature among ideal men for their offspring to keep the flame burning with their easily-achieved high grades in all phases of school--including the most-prestigious colleges in the country. Sometimes, just to try to feel like a regular “Joe,” an ideal man will try hard to imagine that he has lost a lover or maybe a huge real estate or banking deal, but soon, reality kicks in and he realizes that he was only dreaming. Lose? What a hilarious word to all ideal men.
The ideal man never has to seek a date for any occasion. His mailbox is always full of invitations to high-class social events that always come with a beautiful clothing model from France. The ideal man only has to walk outside of his five-story manor with his 300,000 (plus) acres; purebred horse stables; golf courses and three Olympic-size swimming pools and just as fast as an Eagle about to catch a rodent, a beautiful girl in a Lexus drives up his driveway, smiles at him and begs, not asks, him to be her date at an art gallery opening. He winks, yawns, and agrees to be her date and then retires to his study to look over his stock portfolio and see just how many million he has made in that day’s time. I know that it sounds glamorous, but the ideal man has burdens to bear. Burdens that us sub-par average men will never have to worry about. There’s choosing the right suit to wear. Well, that is not that hard for any suit an ideal man wears is the right suit. And how much does the ideal man donate to charity such as The Federal Reserve? Oh, it’s not always a bed of roses, but a bed of carnations that are always in bloom for the ideal man.
Now don’t make a mistake and misjudge the ideal man. Outward appearances can be deceiving. The ideal man can be humble, but he always asks, “Why?” because although he tries hard--even works to avoid having his photo snapped by the New York Times or USA Today, he cannot escape the reporters and news writers who want to capture his every move. For entertainment, Prince William and Princess Kate fly in to his secret ski resort on the outskirts of Aspen. William and Kate are in awe of their friend, the ideal man, who chats business and world affairs with them as if they were his next-door neighbors. And in the summertime, they are his neighbors for he owns a massive apartment complex in London equipped with the best in personal security and a staff that rivals William and Kate’s future home: Buckingham Palace.
Here is a list of men who “I” think are Ideal Men:
1. Brad Pitt
2. George Clooney
3. Colin Ferrell
4. Clint Eastwood
5. Donnie Wahlberg
6. Tom Selleck
7. Matt Lauer
8. Pat Riley
9. Tom Brady
10. David Beckham
11. * Jan Michael Vincent (* was once an ideal man until alcoholism took its toll on Jan)
12. Lenny Kravitz
13. Mark Wahlberg
14. Ted Danson
15. Michael Jordan
16. The Rock - Dwayne Johnson
17. Aron Rogers, quarterback, Green Bay Packers
18. Michael Caine
19. Colby Bryant
20. Nick Saban, head coach, University of Alabama
Famous, rich, powerful, successful, handsome, athletic, well-known and on-the-lips of all people who follow the ideal men of the world. This is my list of men who easily qualify for being real ideal men. These men sell more magazines than a high-level love affair between two Hollywood actors. These men can just cough and it’s news. Even their restroom time is regarded as ‘hot’ news stories.
Ever look closely at any ideal man? These characteristics and distinguishing features will tell you whether or not they are ideal or just a common guy. Ideal men have eyes half-closed--not due to an eye disease, but because it looks cool to look at the cameras with their eyes half-shut. Ideal men have perfect, jutting jaws that stick out like a masterpiece statue made in Rome. Ideal men have no stomach, just a lean torso that, no matter what the ideal man eats, his torso stays thin. Ideal men have no buttocks to speak of, but they can stroll across any airport terminal and cause a riot among all the ladies who are present.
Average and sub-par average guys do not know just how lucky they are that ideal men just want to be left alone and have their privacy. The average and sub-par average guys, if they only knew it, the ideal men, at any given time, could just show up near their homes and without as much as a goodbye note, their wives would walk out of these average men’s lives making their average and sub-par average men just a faded memory. Ideal men are just that powerful.
Now with this story nearing the end, I ask you, “Are You An Ideal Man?” Although I did exaggerate a bit in some places in my story, most of the things I wrote about ideal men are true as the rain in spring. And I wonder now if I have given justice to all the ideal men that I left out when I wrote my story, “Are You An Ideal Woman?”
I can only hope. As for me, I can say without fear of contradiction, that I am not an ideal man. In a strange way I am glad. For I simply couldn't stand that much great food, clothes, money, power and fame.
Besides, I needed a story idea for my next essay, “What It’s Like To Be A Below-Average Man”