ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

The Advice Columnist....Burnt-Out and Disgruntled

Updated on January 2, 2017
fpherj48 profile image

An Upstate WNYer,Paula shares her expertise in preparing for a season of Old Man Winter, while remaining, productive, happy, safe & warm.

Dear  Hilda Honey....You are a ....
Dear Hilda Honey....You are a ....

They say she's finally lost it....

Imagine if you can, what it must be like to do something every day, many a night, often on weekends and holidays too,for fifty long years? Imagine that this thing you do involves millions of people of every kind from the world over. These millions of people are coming to you, day-in, day-out, spilling their guts and asking for help.....looking to you for solutions...relying on your wisdom and magic, to make things right. Men and women, young and old, the sane and not so sane telling their secrets and pleading for remedies that will cure their woes. Sounds to me like a dark, heavy burden that might wear on the mind, chip away at your tolerance and just plain make you grumpy.

After half a damned century, it might even cause you to.crash and burn, or as they say,....."lose it." Like a frail and brittle reed in a violent wind, you could snap.

Psst! Forgive the irony here, but the word from popular Gossip Columnist, Sadie Sadam, is the shocking news, that world-famous Advice Columnist, 82 year-old, Gabby Van Gibberish,has been diagnosed with a rare syndrome, whose symptoms range from embracing political incorrectness, to repeated use of profanity-laced common sense. The blaring symptoms of Gabby's illness were duly noted by faithful readers of her column. On October 31st. 2012, The National Press Association was inundated with cries of concern on the state of Gabby's mental health. The countries top News Agenciespublished Gabby's frank and candid replies to those who write in for comfort and consolation!

An exact duplicate of this October 31st. column appears below.

OMG!  What's wrong with Gabby?!
OMG! What's wrong with Gabby?!

Beloved Advice Columnist, Gabby Van Gibberish, feared suffering from severe mental burn-out!! Read shocking October Column here.

Your monthly Advice Column "Ask Gabby,"October 2012/ Associated Press

Dear Gabby,

I am a 25 year old beautiful, sexy woman, engaged to a filthy rich 72 year old gentleman. Everything was going well, until he suggested I get a job. I don't think I should have to work. The thought of a job, depresses me. This could tire me out, and consume my "Me-time", when I would rather be shopping. How can I tell him that I am marrying him for his wealth, without ruining my chances for my Story Book Wedding?

Man Eater in Manhattan

Dear Man Eater,

"I, me, my, mine....." Well, aren't you a self-absorbed, conniving little wench? Looks like you need to learn a lesson here, you gold-digging little twit! Your 72 year old money man might have have been blinded by your self-described beauty and sex appeal, but I think you may be in for a big surprise. I doubt he's totally stupid!

Do this gentleman a favor. Pack up your lazy butt and go back to your own side of town. Forget the story book wedding and snap out of your Fairy Tale Fantasy! Today! Move it! Or I'll call your evil stepmother and her band of ogres and tell them where you are. Go on, GIT!

"Gabby"

Hey MA!!     Where's my lunch??
Hey MA!! Where's my lunch??
Rover and Ruff
Rover and Ruff

Tired Mom needs advice

Dear Gabby,

My 32 year old son still lives at home. He's had a terrible time finding and holding a job. He's up all night playing video games and eating all the food in the house. He sleeps until noon or one. I do his laundry and take care of his dogs. I pay his cell phone bill, which he needs, to talk to his friends and his girlfriend, also unemployed.. I am a widow and live on a strict budget. Would I be a mean Mom if I asked my son to share a little of his unemployment check with me?

Tired and Tried in Toronto

Dear Toronto Mom,

I'm damned sure you ARE TIRED and your letter has TRIED my patience!. You forgot to explain something to me. Have you always been stupid and easily duped?

You can't be serious! Don't ask your son for any of his unemployment check. He'll need every penny, once we boot him out of the house.

Here's Gabby's Simple Steps to rid yourself of that lazy Baby Huey attached to your umbilical cord:

Place the Video station and all games on the curb with a FREE sign on it. It's gone. Get your neighbor to hide your couch and TV in his house.

Hide all your food in the trunk of your car. Drive your car around the block and park it there. Bury his cell phone in the back yard.

Call a Cab Company to your address. Wake up Prince Charming, screaming hysterically, that the house has been burglarized of furniture, food, phones, video games and your car!!!

Tell him he needs to take a cab to the Police Station to file a report. Rush him out the door and into the cab as you hand the driver a 50 dollar bill and the address for the Homeless Shelter and City Mission, right next to the Employment Office.

Padlock your home and put a "Condemned due to Hazardous Waste," sign on the front door. Hop in your car and take the dogs. Drive to your sister's home and tell her you're staying for an extended visit, to help her clean and fix up her house.....She'll be happy to see you with a trunk load of food!

Tell no one where you are. Relax for a change. You're on your own now, Mom. I suggest you grow a pair.

Hey, I got rid of the overgrown kid. YOU keep him out!

You're Welcome! Gabby



Kiss me baby..You my Ho!
Kiss me baby..You my Ho!
I'm too sexy for my Depends
I'm too sexy for my Depends
Hey there, Grandpa....
Hey there, Grandpa....
Oh Lordy....Help me!!
Oh Lordy....Help me!!

From one old broad to another

Dear Gabby,

After 50 years of marriage, I am devastated and confused. My husband, Herman, has been behaving completely out of character for the past few weeks. He is suddenly listening to crazy rock music and prancing around the house, as though he believes he's a young buck. Two nights last week, he got himself all gussied up and even splashed on some Old Spice cologne. He was out way past his 9:00 bedtime and came back smiling like the cat that ate the canary. I poked around in his car and found one of those girlie magazines and a bottle of Viagra!! I nearly died right on the spot! How can I stop Herman from being an adulterer?

Horrified in Hooterville

Dear Horrified,

I have no idea why you even care about this old horny toad, but his fun can be stopped in no time flat!

Empty out his bottle of Old Spice and refill it with garlic juice. Then empty his bottle of Magic Grow pills, and refill it with "Dr. Hershey's Instant-Action Laxative" pills.

Sprinkle a little itching powder in his tighty-whities and a dash in his socks, for good luck.

Next time he returns from his evening of sin, he won't be grinning. I guarantee he'll be itching and scratching, while heading for the toilet, moaning and groaning and saying his prayers.

I assure you that he'll be back to his old, worn-out, boring self in no time, never again, to roam.

I promise this is not only a sure cure for cheating. it's a whole lot of fun!. Got any REAL problems?

Sadistically Yours, Gabby


Every now and then, Gabby will receive mail from individuals who seem to her to be literally looking for problems that simply do not exist. Naturally, this causes an already impatient Gabby to become angry and even more sarcastic than usual. Here's an example of a letter that pushed Gabby over the edge.

Dear Gabby,

My entire life is a nightmare. Nothing I do ever works out the way I want it to. I hate my job and the people I work with, not to mention my boss. I live in a terrible neighborhood and can't afford to move.

I am 50 pounds overweight and have tried every diet possible but I never lose a pound. I've had 2 boyfriends in the last 3 years and both turned out to be total jerks. I had a best friend for a while but one day she just stopped calling me or coming around with no explanation.

I have no social life and find it annoying to have to be nice to people just to get them to like me. I don't have any hobbies because I think they're a waste of time. I also have no interest in travel, adventure or athletics. Listening to music gives me a headache & dancing hurts my back.

What can I do to be happy?

Sadly,

Nobody with nothing in No whereville.

Dear Nothing,

Well Miss Fatalist, this is your lucky day. You've come to the right person for advice. I took the time to locate where you live. First thing in the morning, I want you to jump out of bed, get dressed & put your hiking shoes on. Get out in the fresh air and begin walking South for about a mile.

When you come to the crossroad of Main & Lake, turn left and begin the trek up Pike's Hill. It will take about an hour to reach the top. Once you're there, walk slowly toward the edge of the hill that overlooks the 6-lane highway below. DON'T GET DIZZY! Great. Now just take one more step. Problems solved.

My Sympathies,

Gabby


To the loyal readers of Gabby Van Gibberish and her ever-popular Advice Column: We are pleased to inform you that the latest update on Gabby's condition, is promising. She is resting and improving every day. "Shady Haven Rest Home," is a lovely and comfortable Facility and Gabby seems quite happy there. She continues to write, while in Arts and Crafts Group, but her work cannot be published. We will keep you posted on Gabby's progress and Thank you for your faithfulness.........The National Syndicated Press


This Old Lady ROCKS!!!

Comments

Submit a Comment

  • Au fait profile image

    C E Clark 18 months ago from North Texas

    Seems like part of my comment got cut off. When I looked at it last it was all there. Anyway, Bobby calls me Misty as an endearment. As you know my initials are C. E. Clark, no Misty there. You are welcome to call me that if you wish, but it's not actually my name. Yes, it is a pretty name. Think I may be a little older than you think, too. ;)

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 18 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Misty...Well young lady, I wrote this a few years ago and it went over pretty well with the hub community. Some of them even asked for advice. Just like everyone else who writes to me, they are all screwed up in the head too. None of you young whipper snappers use much common sense, do ya?

    The syndicated press sent a copy of my Holiday Mail to the hubbers too. They wrote more mail asking for advice but the Drs here keep me all doped up because I'm suppose to be resting. Most of these Drs are pretty stupid if you ask me!

    I'm thinking of sneaking into the day room one of these nights and answering my mail. So cutey, if you have any problems, just share them and I'll set you straight!.....Sincerely, Gabby

  • Au fait profile image

    C E Clark 18 months ago from North Texas

    Love this article and I hope everyone who hasn't read it will do so. It's bound to raise any person's spirits, and 'they' say laughing is one of the best medicines in the world.

    I really think you could be syndicated writing this column on the order of what Dear Abbey used to do, and I think yours would be even more popular. Yes, absolutely write it in the same style and attitude.

    Have you considered writing an E-book and publishing with Amazon/Kindle?

    Fantastic hub!

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 20 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Alicia......Gabby is so glad she could brighten your day! Anytime you need advice, just drop her a line! She gets better with age!! LOL

  • AliciaC profile image

    Linda Crampton 20 months ago from British Columbia, Canada

    This is hilarious! I'm so glad that I found this hub. Thanks for sharing your creativity in such an entertaining way!

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 2 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Oh my goodness.....I am flattered.....really. :)

  • Au fait profile image

    C E Clark 2 years ago from North Texas

    Yes, this is the one and you have another, which I found, but for some strange reason even looking and looking, I couldn't find it yesterday. I love Gabby Van Gibberish! Going to share this again for any new people who haven't had the pleasure or a good laugh lately.

    I really think humor is the most difficult thing anyone can right, and you do it perfectly in these Van Gibberish articles.

    Sharing and voted up again, and funny!

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 2 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Thanks, Martie!! If you like these answers, you should read my Holiday Responses. No pussy-footin around with Gabby! Tell it like it is. Hot shot Dr. Phil thinks he invented the style.

    I was shootin straight from the hip before that whipper snapper was born!!

  • MartieCoetser profile image

    Martie Coetser 2 years ago from South Africa

    Whahahahahahaha!

    Oh my, I have no words.

    Dear Miss Gabby Van Gibberish, you are the most honest adviser in the whole wide world :)

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Mary.....Shame on you for biting your tongue! Speak up, girl. People may get pist at you, but like I say, better than getting pist ON!!!GABBY

    I KNOW......I Spelled pist wrong on purpose. I GIVE advice....I don't TAKE it. See? Just be bold, be mean. You'll live longer!

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Mr. cam....Well sonny, Now you know what happens when you don't go to class.....GABBY

    Bobbi....

    Peopal never laugh at me. They are too busy running away from me. I can't figure that out!!, GABBY

  • mary615 profile image

    Mary Hyatt 3 years ago from Florida

    I'd sure like to have the job of giving out advice! I'd be just like Gabby; I'd tell it like it is, no holds barred. I bite my tongue every day to keep from saying what I really want to.

    One of the advantages of being old is to be able to say what you mean!

    Loved this, and thanks for the great laugh.

  • PurvisBobbi44 profile image

    PurvisBobbi44 3 years ago from Florida

    Gabby,

    I tried being a bad a$$, but everyone laughed including my nephews.

    Love U and keep on doing your thing.

    Bobbi Purvis

  • cam8510 profile image

    Chris Mills 3 years ago from Maple City, Michigan

    Very Clever Gabby. Math? That's the problem, I passed math by walking right past all the math classes on the way to graduation.

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Mr. Cam...WHAT? Are you kidding? I date all the way back to 1932!!

    Never passed math class, hey buddy?? Shoulda paid attention! GABBY

  • cam8510 profile image

    Chris Mills 3 years ago from Maple City, Michigan

    "Young man," you say? Hey Gabby, do you date?

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Mr cam.....You don't need to ask Paula for my address. You can ask your questions right through her HP site. She's my secretary......that is when she shows up for work!!

    A person just can't get dependable help these days! Paula doesn't realize my job is far more important than hers. She's just a typical spoiled boomer! You take care, young man....GABBY

  • cam8510 profile image

    Chris Mills 3 years ago from Maple City, Michigan

    Hi Paula, Could I have Gabby's address? I have a few issues I'd like to discuss with her. Very funny stuff and some rock solid advice. Thanks for getting my Sunday off to a good start.

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Phyllis.....Hi there young lady. Paula has mentioned you to me. She says you're quite the woman.

    Phylis...You're asking me a question that most women want to know. WHO the heck invented Viagra? Well honey, we know for damned sure it was a MAN, now don't we? A mean, vengeful, selfish old man.

    Go figure. We women just reach the age of "freedom from the bedroom" and Heck.....UP POPS a little demon to ruin our peace!

    Whoever he was, he better stay in his hideout. If I ever see his sorry butt....I'm shootin him!......Fondly, GABBY

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Harish......I'm so happy I could tickle your funny bone. Sometimes we just have to laugh! It's good for the soul! Thank you for visiting.

  • Phyllis Doyle profile image

    Phyllis Doyle Burns 3 years ago from High desert of Nevada.

    OMGosh, Paula! Don't know how I ever missed this exhilarating and funny hub. Poor ol' Gabby. Please give her all my best wishes for overcoming this state of mind issue. And BTW, if she does come through it, can you relay my question to her? which is:

    Who the hell invented Viagra?

  • Harishprasad profile image

    Harish Mamgain 3 years ago from India

    If one wants to know what humor is all about, s/he shouldn't be searching sites, poking into books or likes. Rather, he should come straight to this article and savor the great pieces of advice, that this fantastic and grand old lady by the name of Gabby is giving to the whole world. Paula, I'm amazed if there can be more fun than this very creative hilarious writing. I enjoyed so much reading this great humor. Voted up and shared.

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Hey, little Miss Bobbi! Paula's told me all about you. She says you're a sweet thing. Let me give you some advice. Better get that sweet attitude right out of your system now!

    You need to start practicing to be a hard-A$$ old lady some day! Look at me, I make a fortune giving a bunch of dumb people advice.....and I just tell 'em like it is!

    Now, wash that mascara off your face and behave yourself! GABBY

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Jo......Well HELLO there, young lady. Paula says I can answer the comments here, since it's MY column. Right about this time of night, she gets lazy and just whines about wanting to go to bed.

    I'm over 80 years old and I can run circles around that whipper snapper!

    I think I should be required reading too! Look at you! Not just another pretty face are ya, honey?? Fondly, Gabby

  • PurvisBobbi44 profile image

    PurvisBobbi44 3 years ago from Florida

    Hi Paula,

    My mascara is running I laughed so much. It would be great if you had a column like this for real. You are so funny.

    Have a wonderful Sunday Dear Paula,

    Bobbi Purvis

    Thanks for the laugh and now I need to redo my face---it is scary with black streaks running down it.

  • tobusiness profile image

    Jo Alexis-Hagues 3 years ago from Bedfordshire, U.K

    Just a few words before I print off 'advice to a tired mum' and drop it in my neighbour's post box. Gabby should be required reading, hilariously funny but sadly true. The viagra grandad is priceless. I do hope there's more of these.

  • bethperry profile image

    Beth Perry 3 years ago from Tennesee

    These are too funny! lol Thanks for the laughs.

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Sharon...Thank you, nice to see you. Gabby is doing well. She continues to respond to her letters from the depressed & disappointed....but the last bundle we mailed, earned her a visit from the F.B.I.

    By the time she answered all their questions, they couldn't get to the exit quickly enough.

    Gabby said they were nice gentlemen and she was sorry to read the headlines the next day. "TWO F.BI. AGENTS MYSTERIOUSLY MISSING. VEHICLE FOUND ABANDONED AT THE EDGE OF A CLIFF."

  • Shyron E Shenko profile image

    Shyron E Shenko 3 years ago from Texas

    I love it Paula/Gabby, this is to funny.

    Don't you be putting Gabby in no nursing home, we who love to laugh need her wit.

    Voted up FABI and shared.

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Dear Flourish....Bout damned time I heard from someone who appreciates Political Incorrectness! You must be a real pain in the butt, too. Welcome to my side of the world. I love you.

    I'm a little concerned about this "morning chuckle," though. You're not grumpy and miserable in the morning?....Hmmmm, well, you'll have to work on that!.........We'll talk..........Sincerely, Gabby

  • FlourishAnyway profile image

    FlourishAnyway 4 years ago from USA

    "Gabby" -- this was so imaginative and utterly politically incorrect! Good for a morning chuckle!

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Thank you little suzette. Oh, I'll be happy to read your hub, sweetie, but there's no way I'll be allowed on the Virgin Islands! I haven't been a Virgin since before your PARENTS were born. And trust me child, that's not something that can be retrieved! Nope.....no instant replay on that stuff! Gone F O R E V E R.......Truthfully yours, Gabby

  • suzettenaples profile image

    Suzette Walker 4 years ago from Taos, NM

    Dear Gabby, I have this cheating boyfriend . . . This is hilarious! You are such a creative writer, Paula er ... Gabby! Read my hubs on the Virgin Islands and take a long deserved vacation in the Caribbean, pronto! LOL

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    I am proud of you, to know that you are studying young lady! All the beauty and sex appeal in the world, can't make up for being a Ditz! Just take a good look at the Kardashian Kookies! Now, there's a Bunch 'O Bimbos, if there ever was.

    You have it all, Miss Long Island. Brains, beauty & heart......You remind me of MYSELF!........Humbly Yours, GABBY

  • My Mind Speaks profile image

    Victoria 4 years ago from Long Island N.Y

    Thank you for managing to make me laugh and enjoy myself on a Sat night (that I'm stuck inside studying.) I decided to take a brief break and I'm SO glad that I did =) Just what I needed. I shared this so that other people who are in desperate need of some relief (and some great advice, I might add) can laugh as well!

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Jaye.....Hey there, girl. As usual, I have to reply to my own mail. My lazy-ass secretary, Paula, is probably off, having a day at the Spa. I should just fire her! She fails to understand the way I do things. She keeps suggesting I use some manners and try to be more compassionate with my Fans-from Hell. What's wrong with her?

    (Psst.....just between you and me.....I think she's a natural blonde....she ain't kidding me!)

    Thanks for realizing what a breath of fresh air I am. Don't fret. I'll be damned before I retire, no matter how many requests I get!!

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Au fait Gabby did write a "Holiday Column," and of course is working on more. BTW, "Maxine," is her sister......advice columnists seem to run in families. Remember Dear Abby & sis, Ann Landers? Gabby & Maxine did not like those girls......much too politically correct, for them.

    Gabby appreciates your feedback and wants you to know, she has NO intention of making anyone RICH, but herself. She says that Paula can get off her fat ass and make her own money.......Thanks.

  • JayeWisdom profile image

    Jaye Denman 4 years ago from Deep South, USA

    Paula - Gabby is like a breath of fresh air! Please don't let her retire--she's desperately needed. I'll hope to see her "tell-it-like-it-is" answers to (stupid) questions again.

    Voted Up and FUNNY!

    Jaye

  • Au fait profile image

    C E Clark 4 years ago from North Texas

    Very funny. You need to write more of these and the world is popping at the seams with new material. Ms. Van Gibberish could make you rich -- move over Maxine!

    Voted up, BAUI, and will share. Yes, and pinning this to my 'Fun & Interesting' board.

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    MY sentiments EXACTLY!!........Political Correctness to extreme, is just another way we DELUDE ourselves into seeing everything but the damned FACTS and truth of the matter!! LOL....I'm a firm believer in just TELLING IT LIKE IT IS. Gabby is my hero! Thanks for the visit. Always good to see you B2B!!

  • bac2basics profile image

    Anne 4 years ago from Spain

    Hi Effer.

    This made my morning. Seriously though..where has all the common sense gone? your scenarios are played out every day all over the world and some folks just can´t seem to see the wood for the trees, excuses excuses for everything and political correctness stopping folk from telling it like it is . have a great day my friend and keep em coming :)

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Yes....midget... I was thinking that, when I ran in to your Aunt Em Hub...Gabby wrote another hub right after the Holidays.....She tells me she's publishing a 3rd. article of advice, coming up real soon. Her fans are demanding she keep giving her wonderful advice!! LOL

  • midget38 profile image

    Michelle Liew 4 years ago from Singapore

    WTG, Gabby! She and Aunt Em can be good friends. She'll come out of her burn out soon!! Coming in to say thanks for making me laugh this morning!

  • Deborah Brooks profile image

    Deborah Brooks Langford 4 years ago from Brownsville,TX

    Lol.. Gabby is my kind of person.. Love her..

    Happy new Year

    Debbie

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Debbie....From what I understand, Gabby is back at her computer in full force. Feel free to ask her anything for which you need some of the best advice.

    Everybody loves Gabby....even the fans who think she's a bit rough around the edges. Like she says, "If you can't handle my answers, don't waste my damned precious time with your stupid questions.....you aggravate my arthritis!"

  • Deborah Brooks profile image

    Deborah Brooks Langford 4 years ago from Brownsville,TX

    I love Ms Gabby.. I am laughing so hard..

    can I ask her a few questions?

    lol

    Happy new Year

    Debbie

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    OH...you sweet girl! Thank you for reading my hub as one of your 26.

    Your ex's parents must be some really lonely and desperate people.....to have their Baby Huey on the couch for 13 years....What's WRONG with some people?......

    What a loser you dumped! Smart girl.

  • HoneyBB profile image

    Honey Halley 4 years ago from Illinois

    OMG...I love this lady....btw..the guy on the couch looks like my ex....lol....who has been on his parents couch for at least 13 years now...Thanks for sharing. This hub is the 23rd of 26 I am reading today honoring the victims of Sandy Hook. I read this hub in memory of Mary Sherlach, 2/11/56, female

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    ahorseback......Paula has the same damned problems you do! However, what Gabby would tell you is...........Don't be such a whiner, for Pete's sake! Buy another couch and hide your check book! Hello?? I'll send you cash, no problem.....Right after I and my 86 year old boyfriend have our next baby!..........

  • ahorseback profile image

    ahorseback 4 years ago

    Dear Paula ! I am writing to you because Im at my wits end , my dogs own me ! They lay around all day eating up my checkbook and taking up all of the couch ! What do i do ? ........please send cash !....lol......your a funny girl Paula !.......I love it when I can push all the buttons !

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Brett

    LaThing

    Jan

    Gabby is honored by your visit. She has every intention to get back to her advice column. The Rest Home administration has granted permission for Gabby to write during "Rec Time"......soon, she'll be back to advising in her individual and unique way!!

  • profile image

    Janhorner 4 years ago

    Very funny. This is an excellent entertaining hub and written very well. Just cannot stop laughing at the last piece of advice...!

    Voted up,

    Jan

  • LaThing profile image

    LaThing 4 years ago from From a World Within, USA

    ROFL, ...... Paula, this is hilarious! Love all of it..... gabby is doing great! She needs to continue.... :)

    Wonderful read, thanks for sharing..... Voting up and everything.

  • Brett.Tesol profile image

    Brett Caulton 4 years ago from Thailand

    Great fun!! lol. I bet many an advice columnist has reached the point of getting a little blunt. I'm surprised the manage to be as polite as they are ha ha.

    Shared, up and awesome.

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Bruce...Whatever do you mean? This is no joke. Gabby is for REAL. I know her well. In fact, she and I have been discussing the possibility of her, writing her advice column, as a form of therapy, while she is at the resting home. She's getting bored you know. Genius minds must stay active.

    If you have an issue you'd like to write to her about...just let me know. I'll see to it that she features it in her next publication.

    Peace!

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Tammy....I'm sure Dr. Phil probably takes some of guests out back and just SHOOTS them, when the cameras have shut down!! I KNOW Gabby would!

  • Born2care2001 profile image

    Rev Bruce S Noll HMN 4 years ago from Asheville NC

    Well now Gabby...I hope you're resting well! You certainly deserve it after putting this rue together! I have to be humbly honest. Until I got down to the bottom of this hub, I thought there actually was a "Gabby Gibberish!"

    I know, I'm a bit slow or you really are..."Gabby Gibberish."

    I feel so silly, and in public too!

    Let me ask you for your advice please. I've been writing in the forum now for over a year. All I can think about is how fabulous it is here, reading and writing with others just like me. They're witty, funny, talented, eccentric, loving, caring, creative, comical, spirited, looney, educated, non-educated, happy, healthy, sic (pun intended) and so many other things...including on the verge, standing on the edge, genius and lunacy standing side by side, illustrative, collaborative, joyful, inquisitive, ok...well..just like you!

    Can you tell I really enjoyed this and was so totally fooled, you made me well...smile at myself and all the wonderful things that can happen in life if you'll just laugh at yourself and your surroundings just a little bit!

    Voted up and I hit the "Oh so funny bone button."

  • tammyswallow profile image

    Tammy 4 years ago from North Carolina

    Hilarious! I bet people like Dr. Phil get so burned out seeing such horrible human behavior that they just want to shake people. This was a very fun read as always!

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Hey there! You'll be glad to know that Gabby is getting better by the day. She's been reading letters from her fans as part of her therapy in the "home." She's just itchin to get back on that keyboard ....so many people with problems. The Drs say Gabby will be the way she is from here on out....there's no turning back the clock for old Gabby......We think her fans will accept her "tell it like it is attitude."...........You're right, brave.....there is NO problem with Gabby's advice.....that old wayward coot needed a damned good laxative.....to realize he was just full of SH##!!!!! Thanks for stopping by!..

  • bravewarrior profile image

    Shauna L Bowling 5 years ago from Central Florida

    Paula, frankly I don't see a problem here. I think Gabby's advice is right on! Especially towards the wayward geriatric husband! What a hoot!

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Thanks midget...... Good to see you! I just went back to your A Capela hub to listen again!! LOL

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Thanks for stopping by.....Gabby appreciates it. and agrees with you! She says, if you have any problems....just drop her a line!! If you can brace yourself for the reply!! LOL

  • ChristinS profile image

    Christin Sander 5 years ago from Midwest

    lol - very funny, I loved this hub. Sometimes you just want to say what needs to be said so I'm glad Gabby had a little meltdown ;) it was well earned and deserved.

  • midget38 profile image

    Michelle Liew 5 years ago from Singapore

    I agree with Millionaire Tips. Politically incorrect...but the bald truth that people should hear! Thanks for sharing, and I"m sharing this too!

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    If you're going to give gut honest advice.....there can be NO political correctness. Gabby and I have a whole lot in common....LOL I haven't wasted a whole lot of time in my life.....tip-toeing through the tulips! I usually just plow up the field!..........

  • Millionaire Tips profile image

    Shasta Matova 5 years ago from USA

    Politically incorrect but the advice is very correct! Voted up and funny!

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    lyn.....I always thought, "backwards," worked out just fine!........

  • craiglyn profile image

    Lynda 5 years ago from Ontario, Canada

    Very very funny Paula - so I am glad I shared - : ) And now I'll vote up and across. Talk about doing thing backwards.

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    TT.....thanks so much. I appreciate that you were "delightfully entertained by Gabby's moral compass. She didn't even know she had one!!

  • TToombs08 profile image

    Terrye Toombs 5 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.

    A delightfully entertaining moral compass. Fantastic job, Effer!!!

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    She'll BE BACK.

  • Sunshine625 profile image

    Linda Bilyeu 5 years ago from Orlando, FL

    I'll gladly get my advice from Effer, but I hope Gabby doesn't stay away too long!

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Gabby is one determined old bag!! Watch for her comeback!! She insists upon writing even while whacky!

  • b. Malin profile image

    b. Malin 5 years ago

    Hi Fpherj, what a Hoot and very Clever Hub...I came thinking "Dear Abby"...One does wonder what would be their Breaking Point. Your Gabby is one Funny, Crazy, going off the Deep End Lady. Thanks for a Good Laugh!

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Hi teach!....Gabby seems to have bigger issues than a lack of tactfulness, but thanks for being so kind!!! LOL!

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Gabby said to tell you she heard you to say she has gas.........I tried to explain that you said she IS a gas.....but do you know how stubborn 82 year old psychos can be? BTW...she has some unsolicited advice for you........Never eat the cold burritos they serve in the Mental Institutions!

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Linda Sue....Gabby is definitely a "hoot." She told me to tell you that while she's resting......you can get your advice from Effer. These ladies think a whole lot alike!!

  • teaches12345 profile image

    Dianna Mendez 5 years ago

    Paula, poor Gabby! Put to rest for speaking the truth, just wasn't tactful in giving out the advice. Anyway, it was a fun read and thanks for sharing.

  • rcrumple profile image

    Rich 5 years ago from Kentucky

    Paula - I'd be angry that I'm not getting notices of your hubs, but I'm too damn happy as I laugh my ass off at this one! "Magic Grow Pills?" Gabby is a gas, and probably has plenty of it to share! I love it! ROFLMAO Great Job!

  • Sunshine625 profile image

    Linda Bilyeu 5 years ago from Orlando, FL

    Where was Gabby when I spent years reading Abby? Gabby is a hoot and holler and we need more of her forwardness!! What a riot!! I'm so thankful I don't have any of the above issues to reckon with, but if I ever have a problem I know where to go. Oh wait, I already do! LOL!!! I'm so thankful for my Effer and Gabby!!!

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Well...Hello there Sharkye11 from Oklahome! OK, listen, you cute little whipper snapper.....so, you always wanted to have an advice column, huh?.......Send me your resume and I'll let you know if you have the STUFF to tell people where the BEAR $hits in the woods and I'll just see if you can handle the job. I warn you......The interview can be down and dirty, girl! Eat your Wheaties!!!!

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Maria........Maxine learned everything she knows from her older sister and mentor, "Gabby." Their Mother was the famous "Rude Ruth."....the original "Tell it like it is," girl of the Roaring '20's.......It's time this generation get a taste of wisdom and guidance from these women. Maxine has the greeting card business all sewn up.....and Gabby is #1 advice columnist. Very successful family of bold, brave women pioneers! This country needs MORE of them!!!

  • Sharkye11 profile image

    Jayme Kinsey 5 years ago from Oklahoma

    My dream job! I've always wanted to write an advice column in this style. But I think more people would forgive Gabby. I hope she accumulates plenty of new inspiration while convalescing, and continues to wow the masses with her new and candid approach!

    Great hub! Thanks for the laugh!

  • marcoujor profile image

    Maria Jordan 5 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

    Gabby is a hot mess...oh, and have I told you how much I love hot messes...?!

    I love every little nuance, down to your photo captions...'I'm too sexy for my Depends...' oh baby!

    This could be a new favorite...for some reason I am seeing Maxine as I am reading these responses!

    Voted UP & FAB! Love, Maria

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    carter and Debby.....Glad you enjoyed! Thanks so much for stopping by. We love visitors!! Gabby and I, that is.

  • Debby Bruck profile image

    Debby Bruck 5 years ago

    great shot! Independent cat.

  • carter06 profile image

    Mary 5 years ago from Cronulla NSW

    This is a crack up fpher...truly...love your candid, shoot straight from the hip attitude...thanks for a good laugh this morning and great photos, so fitting...VUAF & shared

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Eddy......Your neighbors called me......They want to know why you sit in your house, all alone, laughing at nothing!

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Nell.....Exactly, Nell....this should sound like EVERYONE! Honest, short, sweet and no BULL!!! LOL

  • tillsontitan profile image

    Mary Craig 5 years ago from New York

    Okay GF that share button was NOT there yesterday! Oh well, why fight 'em...I shared today because everyone needs to laugh and you sure can make 'em do that.

  • Eiddwen profile image

    Eiddwen 5 years ago from Wales

    A great hub which made me chuckle to myself.It's only me at home and I hope no-one was looking in through the window.

    Oops ha ha!!!

    I vote up and share.

    Enjoy your day!!!

    Eddy.

  • Nell Rose profile image

    Nell Rose 5 years ago from England

    Um.... are you telling me that the advice was, um....not true?! Um..I mean surely?....haha! seriously Paula, this sounds like me! political correctness? Nah common sense! hee hee! thanks for the laugh!

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    The share button....an illusive butterfly.......I have discovered that sometimes it's near the TOP of the hub and other times, near the bottom. I don't know why...nor do I care....but it IS always there.......I wouldn't dare ask a question....As I'm sure you've noticed there are no less than 200 hubbers asking questions for "someone" to please answer......ever since the new format went in. If everyone would simply be clueless ALL THE TIME, like yours truly......how peaceful life is. If you don't know what's going on to begin with.......you don't care when it changes!....................ROFLMAO.........

  • tillsontitan profile image

    Mary Craig 5 years ago from New York

    Okay Gabby...I mean Paula....seems like you know an awful lot about Gabby's breakdown, but the way I see it its more of a reality check. This was hilarious....I'm not sure if your 'advice' or way of writing it was better. The pictures were such a perfect addition. I started laughing at "she's finally lost it" and didn't stop until I got to "thank you for your faithfulness". Thank goodness none of the people you mentioned are related to me though I do know a few of them ;)

    I had to vote this a grand slam because in my hysteria, I just hit all the buttons. Great job GF. Your sense of humor and imagination are unparalleled. Hey, what happened to the share button? D@@@

    P.S. Thanks for the heads up!

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    yes....Finally after 50 years of advice......Gabby has finally hit on the CORRECT way to do it....."Tell it like it is and don't apologize!!!".......LOL....

    I have four adult sons......they have been passed on to "wives".....WONDERFUL wives, who don't let them get away with anything more than I ever did!.....Maybe even less! I love it.

  • Glimmer Twin Fan profile image

    Glimmer Twin Fan 5 years ago

    I'm laughing hard right now! I think if my 32 year old son was like the letter I'd be even more strong worded than "Gabby" Ha ha ha. I bet advice columnists have plenty of things they would love to say.

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    drbj...I'm sure I will enjoy your hub....I'm on my way to read!

  • drbj profile image

    drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

    Loved every imaginative piece of advice, Paula, that you and Gabby provided. Please convince her not to retire while laughter these days is in such short supply.

    You might enjoy a similar hub I wrote some time ago: "How to Write an Advice Column."

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Alecia....DOWN with Political Correctness!! LOL

  • fpherj48 profile image
    Author

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    carol....The public seemed to like Gabby's advice even better when she was so straightforward and down to the dirt! She may continue her career, after all.....who knows. I mean, there are a lot of crazy writers out there!! LOL!!