The Advice Columnist....Burnt-Out and Disgruntled
They say she's finally lost it....
Imagine if you can, what it must be like to do something every day, many a night, often on weekends and holidays too,for fifty long years? Imagine that this thing you do involves millions of people of every kind from the world over. These millions of people are coming to you, day-in, day-out, spilling their guts and asking for help.....looking to you for solutions...relying on your wisdom and magic, to make things right. Men and women, young and old, the sane and not so sane telling their secrets and pleading for remedies that will cure their woes. Sounds to me like a dark, heavy burden that might wear on the mind, chip away at your tolerance and just plain make you grumpy.
After half a damned century, it might even cause you to.crash and burn, or as they say,....."lose it." Like a frail and brittle reed in a violent wind, you could snap.
Psst! Forgive the irony here, but the word from popular Gossip Columnist, Sadie Sadam, is the shocking news, that world-famous Advice Columnist, 82 year-old, Gabby Van Gibberish,has been diagnosed with a rare syndrome, whose symptoms range from embracing political incorrectness, to repeated use of profanity-laced common sense. The blaring symptoms of Gabby's illness were duly noted by faithful readers of her column. On October 31st. 2012, The National Press Association was inundated with cries of concern on the state of Gabby's mental health. The countries top News Agenciespublished Gabby's frank and candid replies to those who write in for comfort and consolation!
An exact duplicate of this October 31st. column appears below.
Beloved Advice Columnist, Gabby Van Gibberish, feared suffering from severe mental burn-out!! Read shocking October Column here.
Your monthly Advice Column "Ask Gabby,"October 2012/ Associated Press
I am a 25 year old beautiful, sexy woman, engaged to a filthy rich 72 year old gentleman. Everything was going well, until he suggested I get a job. I don't think I should have to work. The thought of a job, depresses me. This could tire me out, and consume my "Me-time", when I would rather be shopping. How can I tell him that I am marrying him for his wealth, without ruining my chances for my Story Book Wedding?
Man Eater in Manhattan
Dear Man Eater,
"I, me, my, mine....." Well, aren't you a self-absorbed, conniving little wench? Looks like you need to learn a lesson here, you gold-digging little twit! Your 72 year old money man might have have been blinded by your self-described beauty and sex appeal, but I think you may be in for a big surprise. I doubt he's totally stupid!
Do this gentleman a favor. Pack up your lazy butt and go back to your own side of town. Forget the story book wedding and snap out of your Fairy Tale Fantasy! Today! Move it! Or I'll call your evil stepmother and her band of ogres and tell them where you are. Go on, GIT!
Tired Mom needs advice
My 32 year old son still lives at home. He's had a terrible time finding and holding a job. He's up all night playing video games and eating all the food in the house. He sleeps until noon or one. I do his laundry and take care of his dogs. I pay his cell phone bill, which he needs, to talk to his friends and his girlfriend, also unemployed.. I am a widow and live on a strict budget. Would I be a mean Mom if I asked my son to share a little of his unemployment check with me?
Tired and Tried in Toronto
Dear Toronto Mom,
I'm damned sure you ARE TIRED and your letter has TRIED my patience!. You forgot to explain something to me. Have you always been stupid and easily duped?
You can't be serious! Don't ask your son for any of his unemployment check. He'll need every penny, once we boot him out of the house.
Here's Gabby's Simple Steps to rid yourself of that lazy Baby Huey attached to your umbilical cord:
Place the Video station and all games on the curb with a FREE sign on it. It's gone. Get your neighbor to hide your couch and TV in his house.
Hide all your food in the trunk of your car. Drive your car around the block and park it there. Bury his cell phone in the back yard.
Call a Cab Company to your address. Wake up Prince Charming, screaming hysterically, that the house has been burglarized of furniture, food, phones, video games and your car!!!
Tell him he needs to take a cab to the Police Station to file a report. Rush him out the door and into the cab as you hand the driver a 50 dollar bill and the address for the Homeless Shelter and City Mission, right next to the Employment Office.
Padlock your home and put a "Condemned due to Hazardous Waste," sign on the front door. Hop in your car and take the dogs. Drive to your sister's home and tell her you're staying for an extended visit, to help her clean and fix up her house.....She'll be happy to see you with a trunk load of food!
Tell no one where you are. Relax for a change. You're on your own now, Mom. I suggest you grow a pair.
Hey, I got rid of the overgrown kid. YOU keep him out!
You're Welcome! Gabby
From one old broad to another
After 50 years of marriage, I am devastated and confused. My husband, Herman, has been behaving completely out of character for the past few weeks. He is suddenly listening to crazy rock music and prancing around the house, as though he believes he's a young buck. Two nights last week, he got himself all gussied up and even splashed on some Old Spice cologne. He was out way past his 9:00 bedtime and came back smiling like the cat that ate the canary. I poked around in his car and found one of those girlie magazines and a bottle of Viagra!! I nearly died right on the spot! How can I stop Herman from being an adulterer?
Horrified in Hooterville
I have no idea why you even care about this old horny toad, but his fun can be stopped in no time flat!
Empty out his bottle of Old Spice and refill it with garlic juice. Then empty his bottle of Magic Grow pills, and refill it with "Dr. Hershey's Instant-Action Laxative" pills.
Sprinkle a little itching powder in his tighty-whities and a dash in his socks, for good luck.
Next time he returns from his evening of sin, he won't be grinning. I guarantee he'll be itching and scratching, while heading for the toilet, moaning and groaning and saying his prayers.
I assure you that he'll be back to his old, worn-out, boring self in no time, never again, to roam.
I promise this is not only a sure cure for cheating. it's a whole lot of fun!. Got any REAL problems?
Sadistically Yours, Gabby
Every now and then, Gabby will receive mail from individuals who seem to her to be literally looking for problems that simply do not exist. Naturally, this causes an already impatient Gabby to become angry and even more sarcastic than usual. Here's an example of a letter that pushed Gabby over the edge.
My entire life is a nightmare. Nothing I do ever works out the way I want it to. I hate my job and the people I work with, not to mention my boss. I live in a terrible neighborhood and can't afford to move.
I am 50 pounds overweight and have tried every diet possible but I never lose a pound. I've had 2 boyfriends in the last 3 years and both turned out to be total jerks. I had a best friend for a while but one day she just stopped calling me or coming around with no explanation.
I have no social life and find it annoying to have to be nice to people just to get them to like me. I don't have any hobbies because I think they're a waste of time. I also have no interest in travel, adventure or athletics. Listening to music gives me a headache & dancing hurts my back.
What can I do to be happy?
Nobody with nothing in No whereville.
Well Miss Fatalist, this is your lucky day. You've come to the right person for advice. I took the time to locate where you live. First thing in the morning, I want you to jump out of bed, get dressed & put your hiking shoes on. Get out in the fresh air and begin walking South for about a mile.
When you come to the crossroad of Main & Lake, turn left and begin the trek up Pike's Hill. It will take about an hour to reach the top. Once you're there, walk slowly toward the edge of the hill that overlooks the 6-lane highway below. DON'T GET DIZZY! Great. Now just take one more step. Problems solved.
To the loyal readers of Gabby Van Gibberish and her ever-popular Advice Column: We are pleased to inform you that the latest update on Gabby's condition, is promising. She is resting and improving every day. "Shady Haven Rest Home," is a lovely and comfortable Facility and Gabby seems quite happy there. She continues to write, while in Arts and Crafts Group, but her work cannot be published. We will keep you posted on Gabby's progress and Thank you for your faithfulness.........The National Syndicated Press
This Old Lady ROCKS!!!
- Advice Columnist, Gabby Van Gibberish, Responds to Holiday Letters
More great advice from none other than our own Gabby! She's ready to help when you're unsure of what to do & say. and no one DOES IT OR SAYS IT LIKE GABBY!!
© 2012 Paula