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The Argument: A Lesson In Wife Psychology (Humor)

Updated on May 6, 2017

This Could Happen To You!

The longer you're married, the more ways husbands and wives find to amuse themselves. It's almost like a game at times, with the winner getting what they want.

This is a hypothetical argument. However, if a feeling of deja vu happens to run through your body as you read, then, you too, are guilty of game playing. That's okay! Just have a safe word ready and go for it!

A Morning Conversation

"How long are you going to be a blonde?"

I probably should have phrased the question differently, but I'm not always as gentle as I should be.

"How long are you going to be a jackass?"

Gotta give her credit for that one. I hadn't expected my wife to reply quite so frankly. She'd always been a quiet person. In fact, when I did stand-up, I'd say that she was even quiet during lovemaking. One night, I asked her to please let me know when she reached the ultimate climax. She said, "Why, you're never there!" Made me feel proud inside. She had learned well! I must've been a good influence on her. At least, I hope it was me.

"I just meant that you're 56 years old and a grandmother. Wouldn't a little gray be acceptable?"

Immediately upon saying that, I knew I had made an error in judgment. Logic and small town Southern women very seldom went together. (Look at the "Raised Cobra" haircuts of the 80's.) So, instead of giving her time to reply, I quickly went the way of sarcasm.

"I believe that it's time for a woman to stop bleaching her hair when she no longer looks good in spandex. I mean, think of your grandmother in spandex, or even your mother! You have to agree that it's not gonna be a pretty sight!"

It's been my feeling in life that if you've made a mistake and opened your mouth when you should've known better, the best thing to do is use a comedic extreme to validate the point. Another mistake! I had forgotten the unwritten law… never make fun of your wife's mother!

"Are you saying that I look like my mother and grandmother, or are you just saying that I'm fat?"

Okay, it was on. No matter what I said from this point on, I was going to have to stop and buy dinner tonight before coming home to make up for my mouth. Might as well go all the way!

"I'm saying that your mom and grandmother wouldn't look good in spandex, either with gray hair or as a blonde. In fact, if I saw either of them riding a bike in a spandex halter top, I'd jump out of the way before it ripped apart and took my head off! Even spandex has its stretch limits! And when it snaps, well, watch out!"

A long time ago, I learned that most people will laugh if you paint a good enough picture of the extreme. Unfortunately, my wife failed to categorize herself in the "most people" grouping.

"So, you're saying I'm fat!"

There are times in a man's life that banging one's head against a brick wall would be a welcome alternative to the reality of dealing with the topic of the weight gain of one's wife. Neither my wife or I have the bodies we did when we married 32 years ago. I used to say that she had an fantastic figure back then, but that was back then! In fact, I find it amazing how bodies change over the years. I used to be able to reach around and grab her tail when I kissed her. Now, I have to lean way over and kiss her shoulder to do the same. Gravity must be the blame! I wonder if we all hung upside down if we could keep it from happening?

"Now, I haven't whistled the "Baby Elephant Walk" tune in a long time… I've been good so let's not go there!"

Henry Mancini wrote that back in the 60's. My wife had never heard it until we watched "Hatari" one night. All these baby elephants were running around and the music flowed nicely. When she started gaining weight years ago, I'd whistle it whenever she'd come out of the kitchen with an armload of snacks. She never much cared for it. Could never figure out why. Thought I whistled pretty good!

"So, I guess we can forget about eating tonight so I can lose some weight then. It's too hot to cook anyway."

Of course, I'm thinking, "It's not the food at the table that's putting on the weight. It's the cookies and cream ice cream, chips and salsa, and pizza rolls after the meal that's making you look like the Pillsbury Dough Girl." But, of course, that's the last thing I'd say. So, attempting to end the conflict, I decided it was time to play my winning hand as a loving husband.

"Look, if I wasn't happy I wouldn't be here.

(I wish I had a dollar for every time a guy has made that statement to his wife. See, the truth of the matter is that guys like their toys. If you stay married, you have your toys. If you get a divorce, everything is split 50/50...the wife gets her half and the divorce lawyer gets the other. That's the real reason a lot of guys are there! Okay, maybe just one or two of them.)

"In fact, you look pretty good considering your age and such. Tell you what, I'll pick up dinner on the way home tonight so you don't have to cook. Would you prefer pizza, chicken, or something else?"

You could almost see the satisfaction on her face. It suddenly hit me that this was her way of asking me to bring something home to eat. If she'd of simply asked me, she'd of had to listen to me complain about spending money on food when we'd already bought enough groceries to feed the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. However, she'd got me to volunteer by getting me in this back and forth commentary. Gotta say, smarter than I gave her credit for!

"Let's go chicken. Get the broasted, with mashed potatoes, corn, and a side order of cole slaw. Oh, if they've got any chocolate cake left, bring me a piece."

So, she was going to get what she wanted and I was once again twisted around her little finger. Might as well leave for work on a good note!

"Just one question before I go...

... How long you gonna be a blonde?"

An Afterthought... After Hospitalization

I hope you see how silly things are at times. Half the arguments in a marriage are over the smallest of things that really don't matter to anyone. Yet, if you're not careful, they can be the straws that change a one hump camel into two humped!

Cherish the person you've decided to spend your life with. Enjoy them, put up with them, and understand that if all is always well, it gets boring! After 32 years with the same woman, I love her more than I did when I married her. In other words, I've accumulated a lot of toys!


©Copyright RCRUMPLE2012. All Rights Reserved.

Gladys Knight & The Pips "You're The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me"

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    • Sherry Hewins profile image

      Sherry Hewins 3 years ago from Sierra Foothills, CA

      That's hysterical! And so true to life.

    • phdast7 profile image

      Theresa Ast 4 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

      Rich - Can't believe I missed this one. It is brilliant and hilarious and I am quite impressed with your comedic talents. And obviously you are both doing many things right or you wouldn't have lasted for 32 years. This was great. Thank you. Blessings to you both. :) Theresa

    • travel_man1971 profile image

      Ireno Alcala 4 years ago from Bicol, Philippines

      Sir Rich:

      You're so right, my pop and mom are meant for each other. They've been matched by their own fathers (lol!).

      We never heard them fight amid hardships in rearing a BIG family (we're 10! and he's a farmer -lol- he farmed night and day -lol!)

      Rest his soul now (since 1998-he succumbed to lung cancer due to his second love -cigarette -which my mother got jealous of).

      Anyways, it's still a family-oriented hub that makes me smile - parenting, food and nick-knacks in between-lol).

      Thanks for appreciating my tribute for you. :)

      I miss my father (he became my bestfriend just of late, before he sip his last cigarette..)

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Ireno -

      Hello again, my friend!

      I think many folks that have been married a while learn to add this type of conversation into their lives just to spice things up from time to time. It only comes from years and years of facing both good and bad times, and not letting them destroy the relationship. Sounds like your mother and father loved each other deeply! Bless them both!

      Thanks for visiting! Greatly appreciated!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Linda -

      Thanks for coming back, Sunshine!

      Glad you enjoy this one! I'm still awaiting the mail delivery, lol. It sounds like what I tell my bill collectors!

      Thanks for the return visit! Always a great day to see your comments and smile!

    • travel_man1971 profile image

      Ireno Alcala 4 years ago from Bicol, Philippines

      This incident also happened with my mom and dad (RIP) (lol). You're so upfront in sharing it with us.

      They say, the first 5 years of marriage is still on the loving stage, but the next years will be on a friendly basis and an occasional bickering but with a happy ending (especially food).:)

    • Sunshine625 profile image

      Linda Bilyeu 4 years ago from Orlando, FL

      I'm back for a second read and a good laugh. Thanks RC. Your tip is in the mail! :)

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Wayne -

      I learned long ago that the remote control superiority was it as far as men and women were concerned. After 32 years, I kind of picture us as the On Golden Pond couple. Hopefully, we can stay this way as it's a lot of fun. Thanks for the compliment, my friend! Greatly appreciated!

    • Wayne Brown profile image

      Wayne Brown 4 years ago from Texas

      I finally got it when my wife asked me, "Are you through?" I asked "why?" She replied, "Cause this is the way its gonna be!" That's when it became apparent there was a new sheriff in town. One pays a price for the sancity of marriage. Here's one last bit of advice. When you get to your second question and wish you were still back at your first one, it is time to quite digging because the hole only gets deeper. And....unlike the male species they remember dates, times, places, and exactly what you said...even if you don't cause "that's the way it is!" Funny stuff, RC....thanks for sharing! ~WB

    • rcrumple profile image
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      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Dana -

      So good to see you here!

      My wife and I have been together 32 years. If it's not true love, it must be true fun just to egg each other on. I always found the best friends to be the ones you could say anything to and take it in return as a joke. Though I never dated one at work like that! : )

      Thanks for stopping in and commenting! Many Thanks!

    • rcrumple profile image
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      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      luvintkandtj -

      So nice to meet you!

      I'm happy you enjoyed this! Your kind words are greatly appreciated!

      Many Thanks!

    • DanaTeresa profile image

      Dana Strang 4 years ago from Ohio

      This is a good one!... a conversation like this can mean only one thing. True Love! You gotta know somebody pretty well to be ableo get under their skin like that!... It reminds me of how I used to interact with a former co-worker, only the insults we flung were on purpose. At least three other staff members decided he and I should date, and there was arumor going around that we did!

      I have found many times, a hospitalization can be avoided with the line: Hunny, You know I love you.... Though I don't know if even that coulda saved this one.

      Thanks for the chuckle. :)

    • luvintkandtj profile image

      luvintkandtj 4 years ago from USA

      Great hub! I enjoyed reading this. Will pass this along to my friends

    • rcrumple profile image
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      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      TT -

      Nice to see you again!

      Something tells me this holds pretty close to something that's occurred in your household. lol

      Thanks for stopping by!

    • TToombs08 profile image

      Terrye Toombs 4 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.

      Still enjoy this. :)

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 5 years ago from Kentucky

      theliz -

      Good to meet you here!

      My wife and I figured that out a long time ago. If we couldn't laugh at each other and ourselves, what a boring place it would be. Plus, it helps you to keep from getting a big head when the other brings you back to Earth with a humorous remark. It really builds the bond greater!

      I'm glad this could make you smile! Share the smile with the one you love! Many Thanks!

    • theliz profile image

      theliz 5 years ago from Maryland

      Those of us in the marriage trenches need to laugh more. This helped.

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 5 years ago from Kentucky

      shruti -

      Good day my young friend!

      It's good to see you smile! There are times in every relationship that people are going to disagree. It's a matter of respecting and loving the other person enough to get over it and move on, instead of concentrating on it and drifting apart. Besides, when you luck out and get a great person like I did, it's really not a hard task to accomplish!

      I appreciate you coming by and commenting! Many Thanks!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 5 years ago from Kentucky

      Mary,

      So good to see you today!

      This almost came to a true spat the other day. She tried a hint of red in the blonde and it came out almost a cherry color. I told her about an old teacher I had almost 50 years ago that used to use so many rinses that her hair always had a blue tint, forever. I could see she didn't like the story (lol) so I eased up on her. Tis better to step back than to walk into a right fist. lol

      I really thank you so much for your kind words. It's great to be here. Many Thanks!

    • rcrumple profile image
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      Rich 5 years ago from Kentucky

      Ddraigcoch -

      It's a pleasure to meet you! Not being a Winnie the Pooh fan, I had to look up Heffalump. Not a Henry Mancini fan either, I gather. : )

      In 32 years, I only hit my wife at one event. She used to have major anger problems. One day, she started in on the kids. I stepped in and she started throwing and breaking things. I told her if she was going to act like a spoiled brat, I was going to treat her as one. I turned her over my knee and gave her tail three open handed whacks. She got up, went to the bedroom for about a 1/2 hour and then returned and apologized. Any time after that for a year or two that she would act up, I'd ask her if she wanted another spanking and she'd recognize how she was acting and stop. We've laughed about that for years as she said the spanking didn't hurt, but the embarrassment over what she had done to make me do it kept her from acting that way again. I never validate hitting another person, and would never do so with intent to harm. She knows that. Besides, with her temper (that's eased up a little over the years) I wouldn't put a burning bed episode out of the picture. lol

      So glad you dropped by! Many thanks!

    • shruti sheshadri profile image

      shruti sheshadri 5 years ago from Bangalore, India

      hahahahahaha :) this was an awesome read richard! of course, i have no experience on this issue, but surely when i see my parents fight on certain issues, I do agree with you, they are so silly! I laugh and soften the tensions.I can relate to this. you have a great message attached with this too.

      Wonderful and interesting hub, you have a great comic sense in your writing. i truly enjoy that. Voted up and shared :)

    • tillsontitan profile image

      Mary Craig 5 years ago from New York

      This was hilarious...especially since my husband and I have been having the same argument but the other way around. I want to stop the blonde, he doesn't want me to. I keep telling him I'm going to be 65 its time to go natural!

      I am so glad you decided to join hubpages my friend. Loved reading this.

      Voted up, useful, and funny.

    • Ddraigcoch profile image

      Emma 5 years ago from UK

      After 14 years all our arguments get more comedic as we go on, it is our way of getting what we want said with out having a full on bust up.

      There have been times where violence was threatened, such as the time I was 8 months pregnant and he thought it was cute to send me an email of a Heffalump, with the caption " You're my little..".." I'm gonna shove your cell phone where the sun don't shine" was my reply.

      My point...we laugh about that a lot nowadays.

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 5 years ago from Kentucky

      Michelle -

      Thanks for the compliment! Perhaps I can lighten it up a little when I get back to Earth! lol

      Many Thanks!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 5 years ago from Kentucky

      LaThing -

      I keep mine in check, too. Unfortunately, my account is way overdrawn! lol Oh, the avatar.... I just didn't want people to be surprised when they saw the mug shots next to Randy Travis' mugs. I'll party with him a little, but I draw the line at getting naked and walking into convenience stores!

      Have a great evening! : )

    • midget38 profile image

      Michelle Liew 5 years ago from Singapore

      Thanks for the reminder, La Thing! Forgot to compliment him on the avatar!! Cool!

    • LaThing profile image

      LaThing 5 years ago from From a World Within, USA

      Lol, as late as it can get!

      Well, I am one step ahead of him..... I keep my weight on check :))

      Hey, nice avatar .... I can see you now, Mr. Richy :)

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 5 years ago from Kentucky

      Michelle -

      Thanks so much for visiting!

      Communication is the key, and longevity the friend. The longer a couple spends together, the more they get to know each other's quirks. It's kind of like Hepburn and Fonda in "On Golden Pond"... you might tease each other constantly, but you never want to do without each other.

      I do appreciate your kindness. Many Thanks!

    • midget38 profile image

      Michelle Liew 5 years ago from Singapore

      Hi Richard....yes, marriage always means having to communicate and appreciate, as you wonderfully and humorously put. Glad you have a wonderful relationship with your significant other, my blessings to you, and may you have an eternity together. Shared, votes across.

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 5 years ago from Kentucky

      LaThing -

      You're prowling about late tonight! lol

      Your husband is a smart man! Be careful. I know a man that used to do the same thing. In divorce court, he pointed out her weight and said, "Look at how she's let herself go. She's not the same woman I married." (I think I just got your husband into hot water...poor guy) lol

      Thanks for stopping in! The door's always open! Oh, and bring your husband along, if he's not too mad at me! : )

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 5 years ago from Kentucky

      Deborah -

      So nice to see you tonight!

      He's rolling his eyes because he knows you'll take the spotlight away from him! It makes him feel inferior. lol

      Thanks for dropping by! Much appreciated!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 5 years ago from Kentucky

      Thomas -

      I've written it down. : )

      Many Thanks, my friend!

    • LaThing profile image

      LaThing 5 years ago from From a World Within, USA

      You want to know how much I have my husband twisted around MY finger? Everytime I say I think I am gaining weight, he responds by saying, 'because I am feeding you well!'! LOL, LOL..... I hope he doesn't read this comment *_*

      Loved this, wonderfully, wonderfully hilarious!! Man, you have talent! :)

    • Deborah Brooks profile image

      Deborah Brooks Langford 5 years ago from Brownsville,TX

      Oh My gosh this is so funny.. You are a mess.. My husband has to buy dinner a lot.. LOl.. most the time I make him take me out.. He just rolls his eyes.

      great hub my friend

      sharing

      Debbie

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Richard,

      KFC is fine. Three piece (Original Recipe): A breast and two legs, please. If it can be managed...sides of mashed potatoes and Cole slaw. Two... noooo....three biscuits. And a coke.

      The compliments are entirely warranted! Simply incredible!

      Have a great weekend!

      Thomas

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 5 years ago from Kentucky

      Thomas -

      So glad you could drop in! Careful landing!

      You're welcome to dinner anytime. Please email me your preference of TV dinner, or, your favorite Kentucky Fried Chicken menu item (preferably KFC since they're currently giving away free chocolate cake with dinner selections) and I'll ensure proper preparation is made! lol

      I really appreciate your fine compliments and comments here! So glad I could please. Many Thanks!

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Oh Christ. Where to even start my highly, talented, funny friend?

      I guess I'll begin by saying that I've read it three times. The first time I had slogged my way through a series of giggles and snorts only to stop and YouTube the "Baby Elephant Walk." Needless to say...bodily orifices began to spray.

      So...as a backdrop to the two subsequent readings, I would restart it and listen to it while laughing through my rereads. Yeah...I would love to come to dinner at your guys house. Oh...grab a piece of chocolate cake for me too.

      Entirely too many funny parts to enumerate...it was all pure gold.

      Thanks,

      Thomas

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 5 years ago from Kentucky

      Terrye -

      (I just answered this and it comes up again.... wonder if Kitty's around?) lol I recognize not everyone in the room will laugh, I just don't want to offend anyone. Oh well, C'est le vie! I really appreciate the support you give! Many Thanks!

    • TToombs08 profile image

      Terrye Toombs 5 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.

      RC, I am REALLY happy you didn't delete this. :) Keep up the good humor works. :)

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 5 years ago from Kentucky

      Bruce -

      Good to meet you, sir! Welcome to my humble double wide!

      They're either brass or missing, I'm not going into detail on that one. lol No, she's a great woman... "Yes, dear, I told him you were great and no, I don't mean in size of body but in size of heart and inner beauty..okay..go get your gallon of ice cream"... Sorry Bruce, was interrupted there! I like the lawyer bit you talked about. If you're gonna give it up, it might as well be to someone that enjoys the bass boat instead of one that thinks it runs on solar power!

      Again, good to meet you! Don't be a stranger now! Many thanks!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 5 years ago from Kentucky

      Sunnie - I wear my sunglasses at night, I wear my sunglas...anyway..lol.

      So nice to see your brilliance! You gotta keep things interesting in a marriage. My wife's a great woman and I'm a.... well, a guy. lol If two can't have fun, why be together?

      Good to see you again! Much appreciated!

    • Born2care2001 profile image

      Rev Bruce S Noll HMN 5 years ago from Asheville NC

      Ok RC,

      I gotta hand it to ya! You've got brass b!@#'s! One man, one wife, 32 years? You know that's almost un-American, right? You have adeptly described the institution of insanity. LOL

      No matter what a man says, his wife knows what he means and no matter what a woman says her husband could never figure it out.

      I think I'll stick with "hey honey, can you bring me another beer and a ham on rye with pickles and mustard? And don't forget the chips? I'd get it myself but it isn't half time yet!" If she responds good. If she doesn't better!

      BTW, I enjoyed the line about 1/2 going to the wife, 1/2 to the attorney. I beat that game in my first marriage. When my wife wanted a divorce, I said yes, on one condition. You leave the attorney's out of it and I'll give it all to you! I was so comforting!!!

      Fabulous, fabulous hub! You gained a fan!!!!

      PS

      Thanks to Paula (fpherj48 ) for sharing!!!!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 5 years ago from Kentucky

      Keith -

      Good to see you, my friend!

      You have a lot to look forward to in the future. And then, there's family life. lol

      I appreciate you coming by! Many Thanks!

    • rcrumple profile image
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      Rich 5 years ago from Kentucky

      Paula -

      So damn good to see you! I really enjoy your hubs!

      It's really kind of you to make me feel so welcome here. I've enjoyed it so far, but there's always tomorrow. lol

      Thanks so much for your kind comments! Much appreciated!

    • profile image

      Sunnie Day 5 years ago

      This was so precious and funny..Now I know why you have stayed married all those years..you get it...and if you don't..you will..hehe..

      Very funny...Thank you..will share this one for sure.

      Sunnie

    • profile image

      KDuBarry03 5 years ago

      LOL! Funny and awesome, Rich! Now I'm afraid to see myself with a family in twenty years...LOL

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      rcrumple....This is a Masterpiece! I love your style and your comedy is exactly what it should be...FUNNY AS HELL! Welcome to HP. We got another winner!

      Enjoy your life here with the rest of us ole crazy hubbers. Can't wait to read more of your work. UP+++ and shared

    • rcrumple profile image
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      Rich 5 years ago from Kentucky

      Audrey -

      Good to see you!

      I'm so glad you liked it. A smile was all I was after.

      I appeciate your comments! Many Thanks!

    • AudreyHowitt profile image

      Audrey Howitt 5 years ago from California

      So, so funny! I guffawed at the first set of comments and kept on!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 5 years ago from Kentucky

      Bill -

      Good to see you, my friend!

      I'm glad you like it! My wife is really a great person. We like to pick at each other... keeps things interesting. She usually gets what she wants, but she deserves it for putting up with me all these years! lol

      Appreciate you coming by! Many Thanks!

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Way too funny, buddy, but also very realistic and brought back rather painful memories. LOL There are some arguments, you can just feel the momentum taking you to the absurd, but there is no way to stop it. Been there, done that, and I should probably write the book.

      Great fun!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 5 years ago from Kentucky

      Mark -

      Good to see you, my friend!

      I don't know what I'd do if I were single. Probably, a whole lot more work! lol Naw, she's a great wife with a great sense of humor. I'm blessed.

      I appreciate you stopping by! Many Thanks!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 5 years ago from Kentucky

      Jen -

      Thanks for stopping in!

      I'm so glad you saw the humor! My marriage is always exciting and fun. My wife and I both appreciate it that way!

      Thanks for the comments! Much appreciated!

    • Curiad profile image

      Mark G Weller 5 years ago from Lake Charles, LA.

      Laughs, Glad I am single!

    • jenbeach21 profile image

      jenbeach21 5 years ago from Orlando, FL

      Too funny! Thanks for sharing.

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 5 years ago from Kentucky

      Linda -

      I'm really humbled by your compliment! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

      I've been blessed with a wife that understands I go beyond the norm, and appreciates it. Even at night when I kiss her goodnight, she knows she'll have a smile on her face over something strange I'm gonna say or do. I figure as long as she's smiling, the divorce lawyers won't get any business from her! lol

      Many Thanks!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 5 years ago from Kentucky

      Julie -

      Good to see you!

      Guilty as charged! Yet, our marriage has always had an element of fun to it. What many take as serious, my wife knows is only a joke. I've been blessed with a wonderful woman. I just have to figure out what to do with her! lol

      Appreciate you dropping by! Many Thanks!

    • Sunshine625 profile image

      Linda Bilyeu 5 years ago from Orlando, FL

      Have I ever told you that I'm thrilled you joined HubPages? If I never did, I am now.

      Regarding your hub...we live and learn. We aren't perfect. Just be sure there are no sharp utensils around or heavy artillery that could cause bodily damage the next time you are unsure of what to say or how to answer a question :)

    • Jools99 profile image

      Jools99 5 years ago from North-East UK

      Rich - you do indeed like to push the boundaries don't you? Your wife sounds like she can give as good as she gets if she's in the right mood :o) Very funny, voted up and what not and shared.

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 5 years ago from Kentucky

      Terrye -

      Good to see you here!

      I almost deleted this after some folks took offense. It was meant as only a humorous piece, and some took it seriously by mistake. Obviously, my fault for not being clearer in it's opening. I am so glad you enjoyed it!

      Thanks for everything! Much appreciated!

    • TToombs08 profile image

      Terrye Toombs 5 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.

      LOL! I love this and I'm sharing it everywhere. Hope you make a full recovery. :)

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 5 years ago from Kentucky

      Jackie -

      No problem! It's not the first time one of my jokes has been misunderstood. And, I'm sure it won't be the last! lol My response wasn't meant as a rant, only an explanation. As we all learn from personal experiences, sometimes we find ourselves looking for the bad ones hiding in the shadows. I appreciate your stand, and so does my wife, as I showed her how you stuck up for her. Let us put this behind us and look towards the sunshine ahead instead of the darkness behind! And, please, smile more often... it looks great on you!

      -Rich

    • Jackie Lynnley profile image

      Jackie Lynnley 5 years ago from The Beautiful South

      OK you are forgiven, as someone who has loved deeply and been hurt I guess I was standing up for your wife, and I should have gotten to know you before I lost it, lol. The truth wasn't about you, I only meant what you were saying is said and could well be true...about some wife who doesn't deserve it. Sorry....

    • rcrumple profile image
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      Rich 5 years ago from Kentucky

      Mary -

      Thanks for stopping in!

      In honesty, her and I are closer now than we've ever been. When I come home and see she's at work, I can't wait for her to get home. I'm far from perfect but I've tried harder to make her happy in the last 3-4 years that ever before. I think every couple tends to take each other for granted to an extent...they just don't realize it. I really don't know what happened, but one day I looked up and said, "It's time I give back to her all she's given to me." Since then, we don't want to be apart from each other. In fact, she reads everything I write and gives her approval before it gets published. Besides, she gives me lots of material to use! lol

      Thanks for stopping in! I really appreciate the comments. Many Thanks!

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      Mary Hyatt 5 years ago from Florida

      Your wife is pretty lucky to have you around just to make her laught! You must be doing something right if you've been married all those years.

      Funny Hub, I loved it . I voted it UP.

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 5 years ago from Kentucky

      Jackie -

      Thanks for stopping by!

      This is an entirely made up conversation and all side comments are simply jokes to make one laugh. The premise is actually the stupidity of a man being manipulated by one much wiser than he. The extremes are there only for effect.

      My wife actually looks very good for her age. She is also my soul mate, has a great sense of humor and is a great person. I'd be completely lost without her, and don't even want to think of it happening.

      I, seriously wouldn't have subjected her to my lunacy over the years if she wasn't. She learned years ago (when I did stand-up) that jokes would portray her in a light that may not always be accurate. She also learned that I would portray myself in the same manner. She knew my purpose was not to insult, but to create a fantasy land that would take the audience away from the problems of their lives and enjoy the relief of laughter, if only for a second, to ease the burdens that life weighs upon us.

      As far as I am concerned, I'm 685 lbs, have two legs shorter than the other, enjoy being a bathing suit model, can't understand why oreo cookies don't come in 60 lb. bags. I'm bald, except for a mohawk that won't go away, talk with a lisp (except when I'm typing), and my favorite shirt is one that says "I'm with Stupid" and has an arrow pointing to my head. Besides that, I'm perfectly normal!

      Thank you for taking a stand for my wife. I just hope principle didn't keep my goal of making you laugh an impossibility. If it did, I failed. God Bless!

    • Jackie Lynnley profile image

      Jackie Lynnley 5 years ago from The Beautiful South

      Fun read but there is truth here we know and my first thought is what does the husband look like? If she is bleaching her hair it must be for her husband and if she is fat, chances are he is too and maybe she is fat because of what she has to fix for him. I won't make it personal, lol, but I have to stick up for the woman, it's just a matter of principle.

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 5 years ago from Kentucky

      Janine -

      Thanks for the read!

      That could've been one of the better conversations in my home after 32 years. Most of them are two word ones stating, "Yes, Dear." The secret to a good marriage.

      Thanks for the comments and compliments! Much appreciated! (Whats that?.....Yes, Dear)

    • Janine Huldie profile image

      Janine Huldie 5 years ago from New York, New York

      Were you in my house today during the conversation between my husband and I , because man you sure sounded so much like him in this article? Seriously, this was so damn funny and really you nailed what a married couple's conversation sounds like after being married at least for a few years. Quite enjoyed it, because without humor my marriage would be quite dull! Honestly though this was very true and even though you did it from a humorous viewpoint, some very valid points. Nicely done, shared and VUMs too!!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 5 years ago from Kentucky

      Thanks for your comments! She knows the answer to that question. After 32 years, why stop now! She wouldn't know how to act! lol

    • sweethearts2 profile image

      sweethearts2 5 years ago from Northwest Indiana

      I agree whole heartedly with Patty Kenyon - what a great close. Did you ever answer her first question?

      sweethearts was here and left with a smile

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 5 years ago from Kentucky

      Many thanks for your comments! I am humbled.

    • Patty Kenyon profile image

      Patty Kenyon 5 years ago from Ledyard, Connecticut

      Both Funny and Awesome!!! I loved your closing paragraph.