The Argument: A Lesson In Wife Psychology (Humor)
This Could Happen To You!
The longer you're married, the more ways husbands and wives find to amuse themselves. It's almost like a game at times, with the winner getting what they want.
This is a hypothetical argument. However, if a feeling of deja vu happens to run through your body as you read, then, you too, are guilty of game playing. That's okay! Just have a safe word ready and go for it!
A Morning Conversation
"How long are you going to be a blonde?"
I probably should have phrased the question differently, but I'm not always as gentle as I should be.
"How long are you going to be a jackass?"
Gotta give her credit for that one. I hadn't expected my wife to reply quite so frankly. She'd always been a quiet person. In fact, when I did stand-up, I'd say that she was even quiet during lovemaking. One night, I asked her to please let me know when she reached the ultimate climax. She said, "Why, you're never there!" Made me feel proud inside. She had learned well! I must've been a good influence on her. At least, I hope it was me.
"I just meant that you're 56 years old and a grandmother. Wouldn't a little gray be acceptable?"
Immediately upon saying that, I knew I had made an error in judgment. Logic and small town Southern women very seldom went together. (Look at the "Raised Cobra" haircuts of the 80's.) So, instead of giving her time to reply, I quickly went the way of sarcasm.
"I believe that it's time for a woman to stop bleaching her hair when she no longer looks good in spandex. I mean, think of your grandmother in spandex, or even your mother! You have to agree that it's not gonna be a pretty sight!"
It's been my feeling in life that if you've made a mistake and opened your mouth when you should've known better, the best thing to do is use a comedic extreme to validate the point. Another mistake! I had forgotten the unwritten law… never make fun of your wife's mother!
"Are you saying that I look like my mother and grandmother, or are you just saying that I'm fat?"
Okay, it was on. No matter what I said from this point on, I was going to have to stop and buy dinner tonight before coming home to make up for my mouth. Might as well go all the way!
"I'm saying that your mom and grandmother wouldn't look good in spandex, either with gray hair or as a blonde. In fact, if I saw either of them riding a bike in a spandex halter top, I'd jump out of the way before it ripped apart and took my head off! Even spandex has its stretch limits! And when it snaps, well, watch out!"
A long time ago, I learned that most people will laugh if you paint a good enough picture of the extreme. Unfortunately, my wife failed to categorize herself in the "most people" grouping.
"So, you're saying I'm fat!"
There are times in a man's life that banging one's head against a brick wall would be a welcome alternative to the reality of dealing with the topic of the weight gain of one's wife. Neither my wife or I have the bodies we did when we married 32 years ago. I used to say that she had an fantastic figure back then, but that was back then! In fact, I find it amazing how bodies change over the years. I used to be able to reach around and grab her tail when I kissed her. Now, I have to lean way over and kiss her shoulder to do the same. Gravity must be the blame! I wonder if we all hung upside down if we could keep it from happening?
"Now, I haven't whistled the "Baby Elephant Walk" tune in a long time… I've been good so let's not go there!"
Henry Mancini wrote that back in the 60's. My wife had never heard it until we watched "Hatari" one night. All these baby elephants were running around and the music flowed nicely. When she started gaining weight years ago, I'd whistle it whenever she'd come out of the kitchen with an armload of snacks. She never much cared for it. Could never figure out why. Thought I whistled pretty good!
"So, I guess we can forget about eating tonight so I can lose some weight then. It's too hot to cook anyway."
Of course, I'm thinking, "It's not the food at the table that's putting on the weight. It's the cookies and cream ice cream, chips and salsa, and pizza rolls after the meal that's making you look like the Pillsbury Dough Girl." But, of course, that's the last thing I'd say. So, attempting to end the conflict, I decided it was time to play my winning hand as a loving husband.
"Look, if I wasn't happy I wouldn't be here.
(I wish I had a dollar for every time a guy has made that statement to his wife. See, the truth of the matter is that guys like their toys. If you stay married, you have your toys. If you get a divorce, everything is split 50/50...the wife gets her half and the divorce lawyer gets the other. That's the real reason a lot of guys are there! Okay, maybe just one or two of them.)
"In fact, you look pretty good considering your age and such. Tell you what, I'll pick up dinner on the way home tonight so you don't have to cook. Would you prefer pizza, chicken, or something else?"
You could almost see the satisfaction on her face. It suddenly hit me that this was her way of asking me to bring something home to eat. If she'd of simply asked me, she'd of had to listen to me complain about spending money on food when we'd already bought enough groceries to feed the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. However, she'd got me to volunteer by getting me in this back and forth commentary. Gotta say, smarter than I gave her credit for!
"Let's go chicken. Get the broasted, with mashed potatoes, corn, and a side order of cole slaw. Oh, if they've got any chocolate cake left, bring me a piece."
So, she was going to get what she wanted and I was once again twisted around her little finger. Might as well leave for work on a good note!
"Just one question before I go...
... How long you gonna be a blonde?"
An Afterthought... After Hospitalization
I hope you see how silly things are at times. Half the arguments in a marriage are over the smallest of things that really don't matter to anyone. Yet, if you're not careful, they can be the straws that change a one hump camel into two humped!
Cherish the person you've decided to spend your life with. Enjoy them, put up with them, and understand that if all is always well, it gets boring! After 32 years with the same woman, I love her more than I did when I married her. In other words, I've accumulated a lot of toys!
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