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The Black Wall
Bob Marley- Waiting In Vain for your love
Me and my beautiful soul mate, Billy. I love him inside and out. William John Fadell , what a gift I have in him. When God made Billy, he really made a quality human being who " beat to a different drum" and was a very special man of his own. Billy is one of those rare young people that have inner knowing and just do not care what others say. This is a rare characteristic in the middle school and high school years. I was intrigued and had to find out more about this amazing person.
Billy and I share so much in common. We met as young middle schoolers. We went through confirmation classes at church, eyeing each other. We said, stupid things that would embarrass us later. I saw him with braces, he saw me with green,yellow, orange, black and blue hair. Yes, we saw each other for the young, frightened, insecure, idealist kids we were .By the way, my hair was discolored because of a henna hair package gone wrong. We also saw each other for who we really were. We could see deep inside the other's soul. We both had very similar values and felt like kindred spirits.
Forward in time a couple of years, and there we were again. This time, we were in high school. I was a silly young gal who had many a boyfriend, which meant, we said we liked each other and basically hung out at movies, malt shops and malls and talked. I think I must have matured late, because I could not for the life of me think of myself as having a boyfriend. Ok, that did not last long. I met William John Fadell. Little did I know then, what I know now. The love of my life that taught me so much. Billy was like no one I had ever met.
I knew that Billy and I really talked a lot in Distributive Education Class. It was amazing, he and I could not wait to see each other in class. We became very close friends, the kind of friends that had to share anything and everything. I could not wait to see him in class and hear all his stories and he could not wait to hear mine. Here is the funny thing that I never thought about back then, I was very much an extrovert and he was very much an introvert. What a pair we were.
I look back and giggle at how my relationship with Billy blossomed and unfolded as a love interest. I mean, even as young tenth graders, we knew we were friends, very good friends that really admired the other, but never had yet said the word, girl or boyfriend. I was now, over at the Fadell household very often. I was so in love with the entire family. His beautiful mom Jan, who became my mom, since I had lost mine at nine years old and she treated me like her own child. I so adored her and loved the relationship we had. Billy's sister Michelle who I so loved as she was the little sister I had always wanted. I so admired Billy's dad, a toy business man that had achieved very young, great success. I also loved the brothers, Pat and Mike. Yes, we all became very much like family. One day, Billy and I were hanging out at his house and he just up and introduced me to family friends as his girl friend. I loved hearing him say that. I heard his mom giggle very softly, as she was as surprised as I.
That is all she wrote, from then on, we were together for years on and off as college gave way to some gaps in our love story. Billy and I would go out on such special dates when I was home from college. He left for a while to Hawaii to find another part of him. It was all good.
Billy was such a romantic, I loved him so. I remember one time when I came home from college for good, and he was now done with the Hawaii escapade, he brought me into the living room of his Buddy's house. The song that played was Bob Marley, " I don't want to wait in vain for your love". He said, Laura, I dedicate this song to you. I love this song so much and to this day. Please listen to the words of this song and know, love does exist.
I woke up confused, I could not see clearly. My sister was next to my side. I asked her where we were. She could not give me a good answer. I recall seeing a black wall that was too hard to see through. I heard Billy's voice speak. I cried out, " Billy, where are you? All of a sudden, the black wall gave way to a transparent wall, one in which I could see through. I said, Billy, I am so confused, I love you, and I know that, but I do not know why I am here or why you are there on the other side of the wall. Why can't I touch you?
Billy, in his fashion, answered me in a calm, most loving way, and his hands, those beautiful hands of his. Soft, loving, gentle, I could almost feel the texture of his hands right then and there as he put his hand out to me. My hand went out to his over this wall, and our hands touched, but I could not feel it. Billy, I can't feel your hand, why can't you come over to this side of the wall. I want to feel you, I am scared, what is going on?
Laura, It's OK. I am OK. I know you have worried about me. I am doing well. I am at peace. I know how upset and despondent you have been. Laura, I will always always, be there for you. I love you Laura, and I have been watching over you. Each time your sad and having a tough time, I have you hear" our song" play on the radio from Marley or I whisper in your ear, or I tell God to let me kiss your cheek. Have you felt that Laura? I put my hand to my face because I felt it, I felt the soft, powerful kiss that I had been given at just that moment.
All of a sudden, Billy and I were at a beach. The sand was a beautiful, bleach white, and we were walking at dusk. This was it, it was Hawaii, the island where Billy lived for a while. Billy giggled and said " Laura, I am here and always will be, it will just be different. You will be joining me in the millennium. We were holding hands, walking the beach and talking deeply, kissing like we used to. Billy, I feel so at home here. No Laura, It's not your time, but know you will be with me again in the millennium.
I woke up in my bedroom, and gasped as I realized I was in my own bed. I saw my white washed alarm clock and my dresser it sat on. I tried to catch my breath and the depth of the dark, sad, reality facing me once again. The day was dark and dreary, and my curtains were flailing as the wind howled. I woke to the same gut wrenching pain in my heart. God, why, why did Billy die so young?
© Laura Rogers Arne