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My Issue with Gay Marriage as a Gay Male

Updated on September 26, 2012
janikon profile image

Stuart has spent three years trying to convince his boyfriend he is not hiding books under their bed and they are certainly not multiplying.


A couple of months after James* and I first started dating, we were lying in bed together in his parents house- they were on a six week cruise. It was a Wednesday afternoon, we'd just finished having sex and had found ways to opposite sides of the bed, his blanket stretching to cover us both. The sound of laughter from his small television filled the quiet room as we both shyly pulled back on our boxers; the relationship was still new enough to feel shy about relaxed nakedness. Within a few minuted we had turned our attention to the television, readjusted the blanket and huddled together underneath it, watching a reality show about wedding planning.

"I would want something simple," he said wrapping his arms around me, "something classic and, maybe, just family - you know, simple." It was the first time the subject of weddings or marriage had come up since we had started dating. I had never really thought about my wedding, the idea had never really appealed to me and seemed rather ridiculous; two men walking down the aisle was an odd image for me to conjure up. I was not sure how comfortable I would feel kissing my fiancee - soon-to-be husband - in front of a room full of people, including my parents.

Though, at the time, kissing any man romantically seemed an uncomfortable practice for me, it wasn't until I was doing it did it become something safe and natural. I rested my head on his should, he turned instinctively and lazily kissed the top of my head. As the show continued, I tried to relate the wedding planning to myself but my imagination continued to reject the notion of gay marriage or any LGBT commitment ceremony.

Our relationship marked my first with another man and it was a learning experience, it was complicated, it was easy and, looking back on it now, was doomed from the beginning. We were both closeted and keeping the relationship a secret. James and I were playing boyfriends in empty houses, on free nights and in bars where we could remain anonymous. When we were together it was good - my heart would skip a beat when he reached for my hand in a darkened theatre - but when we parted, till the next time, we were veritable strangers; in love with shadows.

I could make the argument this first relationship pushed my farther away from the alter and made the idea of such a grand commitment, like marriage, seemingly unattainable for me. Years after we ended our relationship the subject of gay marriage would come up on dates, we would graze over the opinions on the reformatted institution, and many gay twenty-somethings would say they had always wanted to get married but did not see it as an option for them.

"I dunno. I'm queer. It wasn't something I told myself as a kid" shrugged Jacob, a rough looking artist, I had met for a lunch date, "it's a straight fantasy, no one wants to see little fags and dykes living out the heterosexual ideal- but it would be fucking nice to do. You know, for the right person." He took another bite of his sandwich, leaning back in the booth as he tossed his crumpled napkin onto the wood table, punctuating his statement. As much as I hated to admit it - he ended up being such an unapologetic douchebag - there was some truth in what he said; when homosexuals first come to terms with their sexuality [at least the LGBT youth born before 1990] the idea of marriage and commitment is something you put away.

I started having same sex attractions just before beginning puberty and always assumed they were the product of overactive hormones and would go away overtime. I believed wholeheartedly I would marry a woman, move into a house by the beach and have children but when I came to the realization I was homosexual, it ended the marriage fantasy. I read everything there was, anything I could get my hands on, about being LGBTQ and nowhere was there a section on gay marriages or gay families. There were plenty of studies about the foundations of homosexuality in relation to the family structure but nothing about the LGBTQ community settling down and being allowed to marry. At fourteen, I resolved myself to the fact it was something I was not ever going to have.

I won't say I have not thought abou it because I have, everyone wonders if the person they are dating will be the one they stay with the rest of their lives. While I was with James, I often thought about what it would be like to live together, raise kids together but mostly, I wondered when we would be comfortable enough with ourselves and our relationship to tell our parents and respective friends. The next morning while I was gathering my things for school, the sun streaming in through the window of his kitchen, he asked me if I thought we would be together for a longtime. My smile came easily, my embrace simple in its design and the answer was, of course, "yes" but the knot in my stomach, especially after his comment about wanting a simple wedding, told me what I feared the most; one day I would not be with him.

We broke nearly a year later and all my thoughts on marriage were shelved alongside my want for another relationship. For years, I hardly thought about myself in regards to gay marriage or monogamous commitment, happily living my life from one sexual partner to the next casual fling blissfully relationship free. It wasn't until my friends began settling down with their respective partners did I begin to notice I was becoming the single friend.

It did not bother me at first nor did I pay it much thought, initially. It really wasn't until, three years ago, my friend announced she was marrying a man she had know for a little under a year. I could not believe it. How was she ready to get married? She was the same age as me, if not a few months younger, but whenever she talked about her wedding, about committing herself to this man forever, she spoke with such a maturity and assurity in her decision.

"I don't understand why she wants to get married," I complained to my friend B over coffee, miserably doodling on my napkin, "we're so young, what about everything she wanted to do in her life? Is she giving it all up?"

Slowly, more and more, friends began getting engaged and facebook altered their entire friend list of the happy news. I was disgusted with each and every one of them, smiling when I saw them, cooing at their engagement stories and fawning over rings but scowling behind their backs and rolling my eyes when they turned their heads. I could not understand why in their early twenties they would want to make such a commitment to one person. For me, marriage was for the thirty year olds who had come to the realization they were no longer young and had begun to see forty on the distant horizon. But it was not for me, it would never be a milestone in my future, the majority of political people at the time tended to agree with me.

When I was asked to stand up with my friend at her wedding, I almost choked on my coffee, why would she want her naysaying bitter friend in her wedding party? There had to be some Miss. Manners written rule against single-marriage off-setting the happy day. But she was one of my good friends, I smiled, swallowed my opinions and agreed to do whatever she wanted me to do because it was her day and it meant something to her.

It was not until they [Jane* and her new husband] were making their wedding speeches did I begin to feel something else in the pit of my stomach; jealousy. I did not want the big expensive wedding nor did I want the bells and whistles but I wanted the promise and legal protection marriage offered; the promise of being someones forever, one which was recognized by law. The tides of the gay marriage debate had shifted, same-sex unions were being practiced by a select few religious institutions and although, they were not quite a marriage, it was still an option which was not previously available for the LGBT community.

I am an advocate for gay marriage and think a legal marriage should be an option for anyone seeking it. I hope LGBT children growing up can still subscribe to the fantasy of the big white wedding without the saddening realization it isn't something available to them, or the marriage they have had is not legal somewhere else in the world. Last night, I was watching '1 Girl, 5 Gays' with my sister and she asked what kind of wedding I wanted (using a question the panel of gay men had been asked by a viewer) and, before I could stop myself or think about it, I answered, "you know, something simple and something classic"


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    • janikon profile image

      Stuart A Jeffery 5 years ago from Toronto, Ontario

      @seamlessdestiny03 thanks for the defence. I hope you do have a fancy wedding because we all friggin' deserve it after the seemingly endless fight we are waging to achieve the right to.

    • SeamlessDestiny03 profile image

      SeamlessDestiny03 5 years ago from Chi-city

      I have to throw in my rebuttal on the bible and blueprint comments, since we are allowed to speak openly :) The bible has shifted in many, many ways. Some denominations/religious groups/churches attempt to follow the bible nearly verbatim but even still, this task is impossible. There are people who believe homosexuality is a sin, but sleeping with someone before marriage or having a child out of wedlock is not? The logic is mind crippling to me. Also, many churches open their arms to homosexuality stating that Jesus does not hate or discriminate. In my personal opinion, any human being who has a devotion to God (or Gods or whatever religion they follow) should have the right to marry. Marriage, I agree, has a religious root but in todays day and age, that has been shifted. My cousin is agnostic and married in the botanical gardens-no priest, no church. I think she shouldn't have been allowed a marriage of that manner if the religious portion of anti-gay marriage is thrown around.

      Now: blueprints. If you are referring to procreation, I want to kindly roll my eyes at you. Many devout *insert religion here* straight couples cannot procreate, choose not to, etc. And some couples even WANT to adopt. Maybe the child-wanting gays were put here by God (if you are a believer) to help make loving families to homeless kids who otherwise wouldn't have a home to call theirs.

      AND someday I will have my fancy wedding with my beautiful soulmate, wherever she is. In a world where one religion is not the entire premise for everything in this country, I feel making it illegal is just as bad as banning bi-racial marriage. We did not choose this.

    • janikon profile image

      Stuart A Jeffery 5 years ago from Toronto, Ontario

      Thanks for the HubLove! Congratulations on your partner and your upcoming nuptials. I am also thankful we live in a country that offers the protection for same-sex couples, such that marriage provides.

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      BethDW 5 years ago

      Lovely hub, my partner and I have been together for three years and we just got engaged. Though we are almost 100% certain that neither of our parents will attend, we're very luck to have supportive siblings and friends. The whole process (from finding gay-friendly jewellers, to searching out gay friendly honeymoon locations) is a bit daunting...but I'm happy that we live in a country where we can legally make this commitment to each other. Again, awesome hub, and I look forward to reading more of your stuff!

    • janikon profile image

      Stuart A Jeffery 6 years ago from Toronto, Ontario

      @parentsinpain i'm not sure how to respond to your comment, but thanks for reading.

    • profile image

      parentsinpain 6 years ago

      Apart from the Bible, God has also left his blueprint in our nature.

      It takes a really huge effort to ignore this blueprint.

    • janikon profile image

      Stuart A Jeffery 6 years ago from Toronto, Ontario

      I wholly respect your right not to agree with me and have a different opinion - it's what I like most about the world; everyone thinks differently.

    • Apostle Jack profile image

      Apostle Jack 6 years ago from Atlanta Ga

      When its all said and done,I prefer to agree with the bible.We choose what we want to be in a free will in life,but dont expect for every agreement...and respect others right not to agree with you.

      Nothing in this world is agreed upon by everyone.