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The Brotherhood of the Traveling Pants - Or, what a man's pants says about him

Updated on May 30, 2011

Why are women looking at men's pants anyway?

There are only two reasons to look at a man's pants. To determine what is in them or to determine the personality or type of man who is wearing them. That's it, we can end this post right here.

Back again. Did you know that you can determine the quality and character of a man by the type of pants he is wearing? Don't get too judgemental. I am not talking about an Armani suit guaranteeing that your man is pristine, perfect and going to take you places in life. I am talking about not the general price of the pants, but the style generally and how he maintains his pants. This is sort of like looking at a person's shoes to see if they are worn or deftly polished. The pants will tell you everything you want to know about the man. Let's get into this a bit deeper, shall we?

The Saggy Diaper Bottom

If you see a guy wearing pants, and the imprint of his rear-end stays embedded in the pants when he is no longer sitting down, but sags down when he is walking upright on two legs - you have seen the saggy bottom syndrome. There is a reason these pants are saggy. He knows it and now you know it. His pants are dirty. He has them from the floor, the dirty clothes hamper or the bottom of the closet and they looked fine a week ago, so it is all systems go for these nasty, filthy pants. He is an arrogant SOB, who will leave a woman in an unfamiliar building or a dark parking lot because he just doesn't give a darn what happens to her anyway. He is more concerned with where he has to go next, and is selfish to the core. He doesn't even care if you get a whiff of his secret weapon - which is pants which are so filthy they can run a mile on their own. Stay away from this guy if you can, he will never hold the door open for you and will keep you in the dark as to his true feelings (which are only on how much he loves himself).

The Slated for Greatness Pant

Hey, don't knock the blue collar guy in the grey, blue or black slate colored pants. These guys are some of the best guys you will ever meet. Genuine, down to earth, real and straight talking guys who may get some things wrong relationship wise, but will usually tell you the truth, even if it hurts. This guy has on slate grey pants or blue slated trousers and works in a service industry or as a skilled tradesman. Listen, some of these guys make good money, have a house bigger than yours, drive a truck with more exponential torque than anything you have ever driven, have paid for their toys in cash, and make more money per hour than your attorney or your accountant. When you find yourself behind Slated Pants in a store, find a way to accidently on purpose bump into him or just drop something. I bet you a nickel he will turn around, help you out with a smile. Use that distraction time wisely to finish checking him out. You know the drill: tan lines for ring, tan lines around eyes raccoon style (too much time in the tanning booth), gel or natural curl in hair, muscles or abs seen when he bends over to help, or If the slate colored pants have a crease in them, this elevates this guy to an even higher category.

Crease Me Out

Guys wearing creases on their pants care about you and care about their appearance. If the pants are jeans, look at his nails, they are likely polished with clear hard as nails. If the pants are khaki or a pleated front, he will most likely be wearing a soft soled shoe and will be equally as soft spoken as the "pad pat pat" his feet make when he walks across the floor at your office. A guy who takes the time to iron a crease in his pants is self made, silent about his accomplishments, will be reliable and will not leave you when you really need him. I should know. I once fell at a grocery store, and was taken to a hospital nearby for follow up care since I had a concussion. I had to leave my car at the parking lot and went in an ambulance. At the time I called saggy pants to pick me up from the hospital when I was released. I was dating saggy pants at the time, and he told me he could come after the game. I then called Crease Me Out, who was a former boss who I had not spoken to in over 3 years. He came within 15 minutes, took me to my car, and waited until the car started to ensure I was safe. Case closed.

Too Tight Skinny

If a guy is wearing pants which are too tight or some male version of the female skinny jeans style, look immediately at the shoes. If he is wearing trainers/sneakers/tennis shoes, look at his hair and check for signs of puberty. If he is wearing pointed toed leather/animal skin/designer boots, he may be a Euro wanna be or the real thing in the flesh. If he is a Macho guy and believes he needs to advertise in a too tight pant, imagine him in a speedo on the South American resort beach of your choice. What is your reaction right now: laughing, gagging or slightly creeped out by the image. There is no reason to wear clothing too tight, and this guy may have an inferiority complex, which he will happily transfer on to you if you let him. He is bound to have had many years of a sympathetic therapist, who, like his mommy, told him every 4 seconds how great he really was. He wears the tight pants to impress you, but is it really working? He wants to put on airs, and it will never work, you aren't having it. Steer clear and find a real man.

The Cuff Trail

Any many who wants to make a neat and tidy appearance knows either how to baste stitch his hem or go to the tailor to get the pants cuffed properly. In case you did not know, the cuff should touch the top of the shoe, not drag listlessly behind him through all of the hocked up spit on the city sidewalk, the animal waste at the park, or the dust mites in the waiting area of the movie theater. If his cuffs have not been attended to lately, do not expect him to treat you any differently. Yes he is wearing a dress pant, and suited up appropriately for the event. But no, his cuffs are easily over 2 inches too long, and this attention to detail is critical if you want him to be ready for a real relationship with you. Expect this guy to: refuse to be sympathetic when your dream does not come true, not remember your birthday, not understand the big deal if your boss starts talking again about retiring (your office will most likely close and where will you go then?), run out of gas in his car from time to time while he is driving (again, details "sme-tails").

Well ladies, hope this helps. Look at the pants and understand the man. If you have any comments please share them, there are definitely more than one way to wear a pair of pants.


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