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The Causes and Warning Signs In The Early stages of Affairs, Marital and Affairs, Emotional

Updated on October 14, 2011

There is only one real cause of relationship affairs: Selfishness or self-gratification.

One can say that there are expectations, desire to be free, a need for new experiences and plenty of other “causes” that lead to affairs, nevertheless, each one of these is a subcategory of the fulfillment of Self. Christ spoke of the same “Self” when he said to his followers “let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me”.

This is what the builders of the tower of Babel referred to when they said, “let us make us a name”. It is all about self-gratification and self-pride.“I need a better life, I deserve a better sex life. If I can’t get it at home, I’ll find it elsewhere”.

Think of some of the complaints you have heard your acquaintances say about their relationships. Their spouse doesn't want to have sex as much as they do. The work day is stressful and they have to come home to a nagger. The dishes get stacked up and the chores are not done. Dinner is not always ready. Conversation is boring. "S/he drives me crazy...get me a stiff drink".

Such are the cries of a selfish, greedy individual. Whether it is reasons men have affairs, or women seeking affairs, both are doing it because they can’t get their selfish needs gratified and they really don’t care if their partner gets hurt.

They may say that they are having a discreet affair, and keeping it secret so that their spouse doesn't get hurt. However, to put it plain and simple, they just don’t want to be caught cheating on their spouse. Think of what they will have to go through because of the repercussions of dealing with the affair.

“I didn't want you to get hurt” is the biggest wad of bologna that anyone has ever come up with as an excuse for cheating on a loved one and hiding it.It would probably be better to say it outright and before it happens, “Honey, I am going to have an affair. I am selfish and greedy and I must have sex with someone else to gratify my desires”.

To state it openly just like that would prevent much pain in the victims life and maybe they could just move on without having to be wondering and busting a gut trying to figure out what all these warning signs of affairs are all over the place.

Here are some signs of a cheating lover.

Are you ready? There are scores and scores of lists that are out there. This list is not completely exhaustive. The order of importance varies from couple to couple, so they are not in any specific order. Here are 5 basic categories:

1.Communication - what you had at the beginning of the relationship is no longer the same. You don't communicate on the amiable level that you used to when you were dating

a. With you - this is about communication just between you and your spouse

b. From Others - this is about the way that you are getting signals from mutual friends. For the most part they are not relating to you and you to them in the same manner as before the affair.

2. Phone and Computer Activity -technology today provides fast connections sometimes to places where we don't need to be.

3. Appearance - A change for the better? or is it a chnge for someone else?

4. Activities and Habit Changes - Telltale signs that your spouse is not telling the truth are revealed through habit changes.

5. Physical Clues - these are things left around as evidence. Keep in mind that covering your tracks is also evidence.

1. Communication

A. With You

·You are called by a strange pet name by a different name altogether

·You are criticized about the weaknesses in your marriage

·Your spouse accuses you of being unfaithful

·The Cheater seems to star fights more often

·You hear "I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You."

·You hear a lot about how great this guy/girl is and then suddenly you don't hear a word anymore

·Spouse shows a disinterest in sex

·Talks continually about the unstable future

·Avoids eye contact with you

·Makes excuses for not spending time with you

·Acts guilty when you do something thoughtful

·Becomes angry and unjustly accusing

·Stops telling you how great you look

·Stops saying, "I love you"

·Becomes distant, withdrawn or aloof

·Gives you odd looks and gazes that seem unfamiliar to you

·Doesn't want to kiss you anymore

·Your affections get ignored

·Abuse emotionally

·Forgetfulness seems to be a new trait

·A co-worker or professor becomes talked about often

B. Communication With Others

·complain that their spouses are "controlling"

·awkward glances from mutual friend

·conversation becomes silent when you enter the room

·sharing very intimate details about either their lives or yours as a couple

·confiding more and more in someone other than you

·says “We are just friends” about another

·Lends money to a ‘close friend’

·Friends of your spouse are acting strange towards you

2. Phone and Computer

·spouse quickly deletes number from the caller ID

·texts from a friend that you don’t know

·opposes the idea of tracking software to protect the children

·hiding a FaceBook account from you

·gaps in your Internet browsing history

·suddenly becomes very private with phone and computer

·deletes emails from the computer

·talking low on phone

·going to next room on phone

·you find out about a prepaid phone

·callers hang up when you answer

·increase in phone bill

3. Appearance

·Joins a gym to suddenly get in shape

·Pays extra close attention to details in appearance

·Clothing appears wrinkled upon arriving home

·Strange odor of perfume or scent

·Lipstick or hairs on clothing

·Gets overly dressed to go shopping

·Starts looking sexier more often

·Sudden change of hairstyle

·New wardrobe

·Weight loss

·Ring missing on finger


4. Activities and Habit Changes

·Spouse is disinterested sexually

·Kisses feel empty and cold

·Refuses to be picked up by you

·Spouse is more secretive

·Increase in work hours

·More traveling away

·Less of a paycheck

·Forgets to wear wedding ring

·Acts excited about things that used to be boring

·Showers immediately upon arriving home

·Regular routine is broken for no reason

·Acting overly nice at times

·Spends less time with you

·Clothing hidden in car

·Carries more than extra clothing to the gym

·Rushes to check mail before you do

·A gift for “someone else”

·Strange credit card statements

·Working overtime more often

·Takes a new interest in sports or art or music

·Suddenly needs a drink

·Starts smoking again

5. Physical Clues

·Toothbrush, toothpaste, mouthwash in car

·Bedspread is messed up

·Dishes stacked in sink

·House chores not done

·Extra key on key chain


·Condom wrapper

·Receipt from theater

·Strange hairs on clothing

·Strange items you don’t own

·Food wrappers from fast food places you never go to

These are just some of the many signs of an affair any one of which could be explained away by some lame excuse. However, if there is an abundance of clues piled up on one another increasing every day, the probability is that there is an affair going on. At this point it would be good to hire a detective you knows how to capture the evidence without causing suspicion. The last thing you want to do is have a poor accusation and find out that there was nothing really going on.

First find the clues, let them accumulate and then hire a professional. There is of course the possibility that you have overwhelming evidence such as emails that say "Sweetheart" and "Lover" and state distinctly that there will be a date or secret rendezvous. At that point you can print out the emails and place them on the dinner table right on the plate.

The cheater has been caught and confronted. The question that burns now is like the Clash said "Should I stay or Should I go?"


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    • jellygator profile image

      jellygator 6 years ago from USA

      That is an impressive list!