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The Condominium Heart
All my life, since I can remember at least, I´ve been obsessed with the concept of love. I really don´t know when or how it all began, but I recall an intense need for experiencing what I thought had to be an intense, passionate, dramatic and exciting relationship with someone. I guess at first Shakespeare is to blame, I just couldn´t get enough of his Romeo and Juliet, I read it over and over again, hoping for the end to change every time, needless to say, it never did.
Then came Oscar Wilde with his need to match impossible matches, making a happy ending even more impossible to conceive. I devoured every single one of his poems and short stories, I carried an old worn away book with his words everywhere I went. I was kind of a loner I must say, an eight year old girl who spent her time in the playground reading and writing some of her own love stories, sometimes in a piece of paper, sometimes in her head.
I couldn´t wait to fall in love, and when the time came, I did… over and over, and over again. I have what my mother used to call a “condominium heart”, I had a place for everyone, not really caring if “everyone” did or didn´t have a place for me also. I fell for the right and the wrong person once and again, I experienced the bliss of falling in love and the heartache of falling out of love. I´ve been on the rollercoaster since I was thirteen, non-stop, until now.
Heart on a Hook
A Thesis on Love
I studied psychology and wrote a thesis on love, to be specific, on romantic love and the known to all myth of the “other half”, the soulmate, half orange, whatever you want to call it. I call it a myth, because it is, this sense of being incomplete is nothing but a feeling, a suspicion perhaps, but not a reality. Somewhere along the way, I realized that nothing about us is incomplete, we, as human beings, are perfectly whole, and this incompleteness is just a concept we invented so we could explain something else, something that has nothing to do with others. This sense of emptiness is common to us all. I for one, think we invented the notion of our “other half” to explain the real feeling hiding beneath it all, a quite powerful one: loneliness.
I am 34 years old now, I´ve had more “life partners” than socks on my drawer, and even though my heart, at this stage, is more than broken, shattered, torn to pieces… I still believe that love is the most powerful and important feeling in life. It is what makes us conquer our deepest fears, what makes life worth living, and what makes us go on, no matter how dark life might seem sometimes.
Nonetheless, it can also be a very destructive force if we use it to block our fear of loneliness. I say “block”, because being in love with someone doesn´t make loneliness disappear, it just makes us look the other way, hoping company will fill the void that keeps us awake at night.
All you need is love
I for one, have never been able to fill this void through someone else, and believe me, I´ve tried. I know that now, or better said, I see that now (deep down I´ve always known it) coming out of my last relationship. I was married for four years to someone who made me feel the loneliest person on earth. I kept clinging on to him because he presented himself to me as my “soulmate”, I had stopped believing on the concept of soulmates long before I met him, but… when he came into my life, he challenged this belief again and made me think that, maybe, there is such a thing. I thought the universe was teaching me a lesson, me who had become a cynic of love and no longer believed in the “perfect match”.
I held on to him for quite some time and destroyed myself in the process. After he left, I had a really hard time accepting it was all over. I couldn´t conceive that my “better half” was gone, how could this be? This is not the way the story is supposed to go, I thought, "where´s my happily ever after Walt?” I went crazy for some time, until I found an excellent blog about dating sociopaths that opened my eyes and made me realize that my relationship, the whole of it, was a big fat lie.
I can´t blame this man for being who he is, and I can´t blame myself for falling into his game with blind eyes. Life has a way of challenging our deepest beliefs so that we get the chance to prove, or even disprove them, and that´s how it makes us stronger, that´s how we learn to survive. To overcome this experience, I think I have two choices:
- Keep on living my life like a runaway train and fall in love with the next person in line, which is the easy path for me since I´ve been doing it since I was thirteen years old, or,
- Stop. Just make a full stop, confront my fear of loneliness once and for all, learn to be with myself, spend time with me, learn to love ME, and then, only then, carry on with the path of loving someone else.
This last experience has been so traumatic and overly destructive for me, that I think I have no other choice that to take path number two. This may sound easy for some readers, you might even be thinking “duh, I mean hello? Love thyself the Bible says!” well, I´m not a very dedicated Catholic, psychology rarely works for the psychologist and if It were so easy we´ve all be out of a job, so please, bear with me. I didn´t know I had a problem, until it became a problem.
“Partnerless life” is a new path for me, I don´t really know how to walk it, and I know I can´t “dance it away” as I usually do, I have to take this seriously. I´ve been in dysfunctional relationships all my life, but I see now that the role of suicidal Juliet doesn´t quite fit me, and in reality, it´s quite less glamorous than it seems on writing. I chose a sociopath for my last partner, if I don´t make a full stop, I might as well choose a vampire cannibal next… that would be awful, considering I´m a vegetarian and blood grosses me out.
I decided to share my stories with you all, hoping to find some good company for the ride through this new rollercoaster called “the alone version of me”. I don´t know if there´s someone out there that can relate to me, someone who´s also addicted to relationships and has come to a point where recovery sounds like the way to go. I hope there is, and I hope we can help each other along the way.
Soulmates, Other Halves and Half Oranges
Do you believe there´s such a thing as a soulmate?
Dating a Sociopath / A very helpful blog for those who suspect they have been abused, but don´t quite believe it yet
- Dating a Sociopath | The truth will set you free!
The truth will set you free!