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The Curse: A Womens Comedy

Updated on March 25, 2010

The downfall of men, the curse of women

The Apple

I always know when its about time for her to come and visit me. I become irrititable, my jeans won't close, I hold about 10-15 pounds of excess water weight and nothing seems to be funny. My stomach hurts from cramps and I lie on the bed or couch for hours with my knees curled up to my stomach. Its the curse, every woman who has ever existed knows the feeling.

I crave chocolate, or for that matter, anything sweet. My sex drive is ability to saciate it is zip!! I cant fit into anything but the big, ugly, stretchy things and I have no desire to leave the house.

It is almost like my husband can sense when its my time. he gets smoochy and romantic...YUK, GET AWAY!! I have company, he just laughs, "Who's coming, Aunt Flow?" Men, I could scream or maybe even better rip his head off. Why do men find this comical? Like , no big deal baby...its all good. GROSS!! The last thing I'm feeling is sexy.

I notice a zit beginning on my chin, another symptom of the curse. Do women really suffer this condition because man was stupid enough to take an apple and eat it, if so they should be the ones to endure the hair raising effects of the raging hormones. He calls it PMS, I call it psychotic.

The telephone rings and I answer. Its my home girl wanting to hangout. I'm feeling listless. NAHHH, not today I tell her, it's my time. like I'm going away to death row or a worse fate. She laughs, she doesn't have "the visit" every month, lost it to cancer. She sees it from a different perspective "They took out the baby carriage and left the playpen" . Gotta love a humor like that.

I lie down on the bed trying to zip my jeans, sucking in my stomach until I can't breathe. Nope, not on your life...or mine. Need to but a pair that are STRETCH denim. Maybe I wouldn't feel so washed up if I fit into something instead of mumu's.

Yeah, I know its necessary for reproduction and all that but jeez..all this for sharing an apple. Talk about forbidden fruit, and it wasn't even in my generation. Not trying to be sacreligious here ladies, just a little light hearted humor.

On the other hand without the apple there would be no sex I guess and that would bite a big one. Just running around in a beautiful garden naked as the day we were born, no job, no responsibilities...ahhh, those must have been the days.

I call my daughter to bring over the grandkids, throw on the mumu and wait. There are some good things that came from the whole thing. I give up on the jeans, not for the next three days anyway.

After playing with the grandkids for a couple of hours they are hungry, "nana, do you have any fruit?" They aren't allowed sweets. "Sure baby I smile, how bout an apple?"



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    • Ruby H Rose profile image

      Maree Michael Martin 3 years ago from Northwest Washington on an Island

      Good humor about it for sure, this too shall pass, haha.

    • schoolgirlforreal profile image

      schoolgirlforreal 7 years ago from USA

      Where do you get your pics? Nice apple(s)! I use some of my own and copy and paste some randomly from the net. Speaking of the curse, just a min ago I feel terrible cramps coming on and I have company coming. I guess we need to 'track' our periods too....

    • ethel smith profile image

      Eileen Kersey 7 years ago from Kingston-Upon-Hull

      Ha Ha. One of the perks of the menopause is no more visits

    • pmccray profile image

      pmccray 7 years ago from Utah

      LOL this was great. The sad thing? It gets worse . . your now in menopause, no sense of humor, no sex drive, mood swings, night sweats, permanent water weight gain. A womans sorrows never friggin' end!

    • christalluna1124 profile image

      christalluna1124 7 years ago from Dallas Texas

      Just trying to find my sense of humor again guys.

      Warmest regards,