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The Devil's Advocate in Cheating

Updated on August 27, 2018
Rita Gehman profile image

Rita is a self-styled relationship expert who has carefully and solidly knit her family back together from past abuse and hardship.

Why Would We Play the Devil's Advocate with a Cheater?

It's important to always understand both sides of a situation. No, you didn't bring it upon yourself. No, you have never deserved such treatment. Yes, you will heal and get past it. All of these things are true.

So, why write this article?

Because sometimes, you need to know all the things which are in the mind of a cheater. You need to know how their brain works and why they are doing what they are doing. Then, you can decide whether or not you can live with it.

Cry First, Before You Do Anything Else

You must cry and grieve over your pain before you move on to learning how and why your cheater did this to you. Do NOT try to reason things out before you have cried.
You must cry and grieve over your pain before you move on to learning how and why your cheater did this to you. Do NOT try to reason things out before you have cried. | Source

Step 1: Cry, Grieve, Yell and Scream First (Before You Do Anything Else)

If you grieve first, then your emotions and your mind are both clear to accurately assess your situation. If, however, you try to reason things out without crying first, every attempt at reasoning will be heavily tainted by your inner grief and pain.

You must cry first.

Even if you are not sure if you've been cheated on, still cry first. By venting your feelings and saying everything to an empty room that you would want to say to your loved one, you have been heard and can come to this matter with a clear, strong heart and a clear-sighted mind.

If crying isn't your style, say everything to your empty room that you would want to say in each scenario you have imagined with your loved one. Say it all and don't hold back. Get it all out of your system, practice all of your lines, and perfect your reasoning.

Are you an angry type of person? Make sure your apartment is sound-proof or go outside in a nice, lonely area. Have everything out at the top of your voice.

Do this before moving on to the next step.


Pick Yourself First

"Whatever you decide will determine not only how you approach your loved one, but also how you will feel about the cheating afterward."

Step 2: Decide What Kind of Person You Will Be

This sounds naive and incredibly trite, but this is the strongest thing you can do for yourself at this point.

Are you going to be the vengeful person who never lets this rest?

Will you pretend to forgive but nurse old wounds within yourself?

Do you like being clear-headed, self-respecting and calm?

Whatever you decide will determine not only how you approach your loved one, but also how you will feel about the cheating afterward. It will calm or enrage you later on when you reflect on what to do next and how you will handle this situation.

As long as you are faithful to yourself and your own needs first, you will not feel burned to the ground by your loved one. In fact, the more respect you show yourself, the calmer and more forgiving you will feel toward them.

Oh, and one more thing. Good luck.

They Feel It, Too

"Self-punishment for a single cheating session can be forty times worse than the incident itself."

Step 3: Make Sure They Really Cheated

A good portion of the population has what is known as the "worrier gene" and this can drastically affect all of your relationships. Are you a naturally insecure person? Were you insecure before you met them? Are they truly exasperated with your accusations or are they hiding something real?

There are two parts to this step:

Part A: Make sure it's really happening

It is one thing to wonder and worry and it is quite another to walk in on it (cringe!) or to have photographic evidence of it.

If you are making ANY accusations at all, you had better have proof. Otherwise, you are indulging in pain for pain's sake.

Part B: Determine if it happened one time or if it's ongoing

Partners who have been cheated on can easily forgive a one-time indiscretion. However, compulsive cheating is a rare trait and is the only thing which cannot be cured in this situation. If you know, for sure, that you are with a compulsive cheater (multiple people, multiple times), then you have official and written permission to cut things off with this person.

A single instance of cheating can seem like the end of the world, but this article is playing the devil's advocate and sometimes the self-punishment for a single cheating session can be forty times worse than the incident itself. Allow your partner to punish themselves and don't take it upon yourself to do the job for them.

Forgive Them Before They Confess

After you have given yourself a firm state of equilibrium, watch them and really see that they are suffering. Cheaters always hurt themselves more than they hurt you, so observe this happening and understand how much they are hurting already.
After you have given yourself a firm state of equilibrium, watch them and really see that they are suffering. Cheaters always hurt themselves more than they hurt you, so observe this happening and understand how much they are hurting already. | Source

Step 4: Watch Them and Forgive Them Before They Confess

Now that you are on firm footing again (thanks to all of your self-care and gentle self-nurturing), you are in a position to watch your loved one and to actually see how much they hurt themselves.

Cheating hurts the cheater far more than it hurts the betrayed and this is an evergreen truth which was known in ancient times.

Never feel as if you are in more pain than the cheater. What they have done to themselves is far worse than what they have done to you and they feel every inch of it, whether or not they admit it at the time.

The more you are able to observe their suffering, the more you will understand that you are not required to punish them, to make them feel guilty, or to bring vengeance on them in any way.

In fact, by the time they confess, you may have witnessed so much of their pain that you will almost have to pretend to be angry with them in order for them to feel punishment for their sins and feel as if your anger could someday vindicate them.


Step 5: Forgive Them, Hug Them, and Comfort Them

Per all of your observations in Step 4, you may even feel a great deal of pity for your loved one by the time they confess to cheating on you. Don't hide this.

Instead, bring it out into the light and tell them very calmly that they hurt you and that you forgive them.

Hold your partner to you closely, hug them tightly and sigh deeply into their neck. Do you still need comforting? Let them be the one to comfort you. Let them hold you back and take away some of your pain. Don't delegate their job to someone else.

Start Meeting in a Different Location

You will want to renew your relationship in a different setting than your usual hot spots. Take it outside, to a new venue, or try new activities together.
You will want to renew your relationship in a different setting than your usual hot spots. Take it outside, to a new venue, or try new activities together. | Source

Final Step: Meet in New Places

In step 6, take your relationship to new locations, allowing yourselves to reconnect in brand new places. Hold each other close. Share new memories.

This is the time to start a brand new phase of your relationship together. Mark this phase in the physical world by creating a few new places you hang out or meet. Make sure a couple of them are private so that you can, er... pick wildflowers.

And, again, good luck.


Comments

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    • Rita Gehman profile imageAUTHOR

      Rita Gehman 

      21 months ago from Amarillo, Texas

      Thank you, Dashing Scorpio, for your comment! I really appreciate how much you contributed to the discussion!

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      21 months ago from Chicago

      The first thing one needs to decide is if cheating is a "deal breaker". Oftentimes people are quick to forgive because they're in shock! Learning your mate has cheated on you is enough but to have to deal with a breakup or divorce is almost too much to bear.

      They may initially decide they want to hold onto the relationship but as the weeks and months go buy they simply can't let it go no matter how much contrition their mate has shown or how much effort they've made to be transparent in effort to earn back trust.

      Probably the best thing one can do is take a couple of weeks alone to figure out if they really want to continue being with this person. Another thing you must consider is if the cheater is even asking for forgiveness. Have they (learned anything) which would assure them they'd never cheat on you on you again given the same opportunity and circumstances.

      Are they really sorry or just sorry they got caught?

      If you've given all you have to the relationship and still got cheated on what more is there for you to do?

      The goal of most cheaters is to hold onto all that is "good" in their primary relationship while addressing their other "needs" on the side.

      Very few cheaters are looking to (replace) one relationship with another. They want to "compliment" what they already have.

      Whatever they feel is "lacking" in their relationship clearly does not rise to the level of them desiring to "walk away".

      There are three basic types of cheaters:

      1. The Incessant Cheater

      This person views monogamy like it's going on a strict diet. It's not a matter of (if) but (when) they will cheat. They get bored very easily and are always on the look out for the thrill that comes with being with someone (new). You can never be "new" again. Their motto is: "Variety is the spice of life!"

      2. The Unbelievable Opportunity Cheater

      This person isn't proactively looking to cheat. The may have a crush on someone or a private fantasy. One day the person they've fantasied about actually hits on them or makes it known there's a chance to turn their fantasy into reality. In other instances it's a case of immaturity and peer pressure. While out on girls/boys night they come in contact with an extremely good looking person in a nightclub and (their friends) egg them on to "go for it".

      This cheater sometimes feels extreme guilt and may confess weeks, months, or years later hoping for absolution. They're guilty of caving in to temptation.

      3. The Discontented Cheater

      This person blames YOU! If you hadn't done or stopped doing whatever they never would have stepped outside of the relationship according to them. You took them for granted, neglected them physically or emotionally or you were unsupportive.

      Most betrayed people will find a way to forgive if they believe on some level they're responsible for their mate cheating. It's an issue of control. If they "caused it" then they can prevent it from happening again. It also makes it easier for them to "save face" with family and friends when they decide to stay with the cheater after saying for years that cheating was an automatic "deal breaker" for them.

      "It's not his/her fault. I {pushed them} into the arms of another...."

      In reality monogamy and cheating are choices (the individual) makes!

      Everyone has their own boundaries and "deal breakers".

      "There's a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough." - Anonymous

      "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary.'

      Oscar Wilde

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