The Dilemma of Love and Regret: Moral Story
My family has always been a moderately conservative, religious household. For some people going to church is just a group of familiar people doing what they feel they should do, and that's going to church every Sunday but not my family. They were proud initial members of the Church of God in Christ, a Pentecostal denomination and we went to church not only Sunday but during the week as well. My parent would take the family to church once and sometimes twice a week on a weeknight for a class where we learned about the Bible and our religion.
For me, I faced a lot of pressure growing up in a traditional family where moral and spiritual principles played a significant role and obedience was the most critical behavior. But as I grew up, I realized that a lot of what I was taught in Church of God in Christ just wasn't the entire truth. At that point, I had to make choices for myself. And some of those choices was to search and take responsibility for my salvation. I spent years searching to find my inner self, and I desired to know my identity because I was confused by the rules I had been taught as a child and I process a growing desire to find answers to every lie I was told.
I was raised as an extraordinary girl in an ordinary world with expensive tastes and with many dreams. At the age of twenty- one, I met and married an outgoing guy with a big smile that shone brightly like the sunshine. He was a down-to-earth guy with a kind, loving heart that loved helping everybody, the most kind-hearted, caring man you would ever meet. He helped other people because he thought it was the right thing to do and it made him happy to do it.
I grew up in a conservative family that had very traditional rules. I was raised as an extraordinary girl in an ordinary world with expensive tastes and with many dreams. At the age of twenty- one, I met and married an outgoing guy with a big smile that shone brightly like the sunshine. He was a down-to-earth guy with a kind, loving heart that loved helping everybody, the most kind-hearted, caring man you would ever meet. He helped other people because he thought it was the right thing to do and it made him happy to do it.
He would give his last dollar or piece of change to a stranger if he thought it would help them. He had so much about him that stood out but ... the one thing that made him unique, and unlike anyone else is his loving, caring heart. Although he was glibber, stronger and more handsome than every other guy to me and I looked at him as my ‘everything.’ In spite of this, what made me impervious to pain and fear is being deeply loved by him, and his love gave me strength.
My Moral Story of Love and Regret: I meet this guy, a gem of a person; if it had only been at a different time. He was everything a girl like me could ask for in a man. The extraordinary “ideal guy” who is believed to only exist in a happily ever after story, the ‘knight in shining armor’ type of guy. And I knew he loved me, but I didn’t realize I loved him also until it was too late as I allowed him to get away. If only I understood beforehand that I had let go of a guy so significant in my life, and that for the first time in my life, I saw no way of moving forward to continue living my life.
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. Lao Tzu
I begin planning my life following high school but learned at an early age I can’t control all the events that happen to me. At one point in my life I might have thought my plans were written in stone except everything was thrown out of the window; a severe tragedy throws me a loop, losing my mother with NO warning after she had just had her regular checkup and the doctor giving her a clean bill of health. It's hard to know how to react. I had no choice but to put my career on hold and thank God my husband was available for me. I still remember crying on his shoulder on many nights as he made me feel better, like everything would be okay.
He was and is, the only man in this world that I have ever felt entirely safe placing my life in his hands. It was easy to open up to him about anything and be with him. I just thought I needed him daily. I know he wanted me to be able to face the harsh reality of the real world and stand on my own two feet if anything happened to him, although we leaned on each other entirely. He understood me more than anyone plus he allowed me to be myself.
Although everything in my life wasn’t perfect, things had settled and there were a lot of reasons to feel good and happy. On the contrary, how does a person continue living life when the same tragedy occurs yet again and with no warning? The heartbreak involved losing my husband, he died suddenly. He was not ill and showed No signs that he was ready to be called home just like my mother. I never felt so alone in my life. And I can remember thinking, “Now how will I be able to walk all alone? When the doctor told me, my husband passed away, I could not collect my thoughts. I just kept saying, ‘what?', wait and 'No'’ remember attempting to walk out the room to get some fresh air because I felt overheated but I passed out before I could leave the room.
Love is the master key that opens the gates of happiness, of hatred, of jealousy, and, most easily of all, the gate of fear. Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
I’m not quite sure how long I was unconscious unaware of my whereabouts but when I regained consciousness, my sister kept trying to ensure me that everything will be all right but I knew it would not and I felt ‘hurt’. I did not know how I would continue existing and I was in genuine need of Jesus. I remembered feeling completely and incredibly emotional and thinking of how this could have happened again. Not one person should be allowed to feel so much pain. Most of all, I felt I would be next and my husband’s death would be the end of me.
This was my story of regret, my heart felt as if it would never love again but you know that despite how much hurt you’ve been through there’s always a special guy out there who will find you, waiting to heal all the pain that you have. I didn’t meet that special guy overnight but after meeting this extraordinary man whom I felt an attraction for immediately our eyes met each other. I believe he felt the same way because he asked me out but I was not healed from losing the love of my life, so I said, ‘No.’
However, despite all that was going on in my life, he was the type of guy that could love deeply, prodigiously and completely. Shortly after I turned him down, he helped me realize that no matter how many storms a person has weathered, they still have a choice to excel, and they can even decide to take a chance at love.
Unconditional love really exists in each of us. It is part of our deep inner being. It is not so much an active emotion as a state of being. It's not 'I love you' for this or that reason, not 'I love you if you love me.' It's love for no reason, love without an object. Ram Dass
Therefore, I decided to say, ‘Yes’ and go out on a date with him. We hit it off immediately. Following that, we talk with each other practically every day. What is more being that he encouraged and assisted me in every way possible. He supported me as I went back to college to complete my degree and further my career. But most of all he helped me to realize that despite everything, love can be a complicated matter in anyone's life, no matter how much a person’s been through, they can also trust their heart and follow it courageously.
At first there was a lot of uncertainty, but he led me to believe that somewhere along the way we were meant to meet and it soon became apparent that he was no ordinary guy.
It did not take long for me to realize that he was someone who was willing to be available for me. He was always present whenever I was in need and that went on for seventeen years. Although he knew my feelings for him, he was still everything I needed him to be until the day he expressed that he could no longer be just my friend. He wanted more, a relationship, which was something I just couldn’t offer at that time. I believe that most of you will agree with me in saying that I should have jumped at the chance to be happy with such a wonderful man but after losing two people I loved so dearly, I just couldn’t think of losing another person close to me.
I was gun shy about love. I felt if I loved him, he would leave me too. I just couldn’t bear the thought of that although I knew deep down that we all have to die someday, nothing prepares you for a loss, even knowing that someday I would die too.
I was not a big advocate of us no longer being best friends or a part of each other’s life. I tried to take in the news while knowing sufficiently well that the friendship was over and that I should come to terms with it. A day or two after the friendship ended, I telephoned him, hoping to form a new romance. I tried to make myself believe I could come to terms with the risk of losing yet another wonderful guy if he chose to return to me. While thinking that he has been everything to me for all these years, one who helped me see that to get beyond each challenge is sometimes a little hard, a little gloomy but it CAN all be grasped and defeated.
He shared with me that I was the only woman in his life he has ever loved. He was sure of his love ever since I became acquainted with him. The call touched him, and he wanted so much to accept me back, and he even felt as if his heart would burst within him. However, he chose to stick to his decision not to take half of me remembering why he walked away from me in the first place. He made the decision, under the circumstances, that we were better apart, so we decided, reasonably quickly, to remain alone. I was hurt, but thought to myself; maybe, I didn’t have the emotional ability to feel that strongly for someone again.
I felt he decided that he could not be with me, a person who was not able to return the same love to him as he gave to me. Therefore, when I saw and approached him, he faced me and professed that after all those years, he realized we had different ideas about relationships and that I was the only person he had ever spent so many years loving but he could no longer have half of me he needed more than I could offer.
I knew that after he chose to walk away he would not believe I had genuinely fallen in love with him. It was too late and now tears quietly rolled down my face as I held back the loud cries whenever I saw him in public. I remember thinking how can I allow a guy to get away, one who’d help me begin such an excellent new chapter of my life at the worst possible time. Was I that hurt and lost inside from losing the love of my life, not to receive a love that could continue where he left off?
I know I realized that it was too late. He was my shoulder to lean on, my friend, my lover and my ‘everything’, the ‘perfect guy.’ He was the guy who changed my life in a way of the world that I did not know could exist when I needed someone the most. Not being able to commit and know in time that he was the right guy for out of fear. But why couldn’t I learn to love this fantastic guy in a new and healthy way, and fill my life with a beautiful relationship?
After all, he was loving, caring and patient with me, he even waits for so many years for me. However, if truth be told, I learned from this regretful experience that finding the right person to spend your life with is the best experience and the most significant accomplishment but the right person must come at the right time to make all the difference. Although a person does not always find the right person at the wrong time, it can happen, it happened to me.
What I realized through the heartache I felt, which I guess is the moral of this story, I genuinely wished I was the person back then that I am today. Because if I was, I would have been mature enough to know that a relationship didn’t only fail because the person entering your life turned out to be the wrong person. It’s doomed when you aren’t the person capable of being in a loving relationship. I know I was not capable of admitting it back then but the truth is that I was not capable of love – not the way he needs to be loved by me. The fear I felt of losing him to death took a toll on me and my heart couldn't stand to such a surprise.
While some people’s tales of love and regret are not quite as heart-rending as mine, I learn a person should only accept a love that exemplifies the definition in its purest form: to love selflessly and wholeheartedly or as humanly possible, not the love of fairy tales. That's not real but it can also be the ideal love that people can be a part of. The problem may be when you do find the right person; you may not be mentally stable to commit to him or her or yet not willing to give up a part of yourself - because that is what will be needed.
Do you agree, a person can meet the right person at the wrong time so he or she may not be mentally stable to commit to him or her?
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© 2017 Pam Morris