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A “Do Not Do List” For Guys on First Dates

Updated on July 11, 2016
kenneth avery profile image

Kenneth has been a member of HubPages for five years. He is retired from a 23-year career in the weekly newspaper business.

Carrie Fisher
Carrie Fisher

Young guys, are you tired of messing-up on dates?

Men, as you have already noticed, there are lots of photos of hot, sexy girls on this hub. Honestly, I didn’t just do this for your viewing pleasure, but as a way to console you as “parting gifts” for reading my hub for before you finish reading this piece, you will definitely get your feelings hurt for being guilty of doing these unadvised things and losing yet another hot girl propelling you directly into more depths of loneliness.

Hey, I just happen to know a few things about how excited men who have gotten a date after five months act. I was once one of these men who upon hearing those most-powerful words from the full-lips of a gorgeous girl, “Sure, Ken. I will go out with you tomorrow night.” I was instantly-delirious with excitement and almost out of control with happiness. My mom thought I was possessed with an evil spirit from the earth’s dark center.

Watch and learn . . .

Lea Thompson
Lea Thompson
Ally Sheedy
Ally Sheedy

Sure as clockwork

And sure enough, and even with every bit of Hai Karate cologne, gel for my hair, new clothes, and over twenty-bucks in my pocket (to impress my date because I was always told that girls love money), I was at a sad loss before the night was over or sometimes when the night was halfway through. I would hear those words of death from her full-lips, “Ken, just take me home.”

Then as she got up from the restaurant table, of sheer hurt, I would ask, “Aren’t you going to finish your Egyptian Chicken?” She would act as if she didn’t hear me and keep walking.

Then, like a well-tuned clock made in Berlin I would ask almost in tears, “Well, at least tell me what I did.” For this one she would wait until we were in the car. “If I wanted entertainment, I could have stayed home and watched “The Mod Squad,” she would softly say as I pulled out from the fine restaurant, “Don’s Dixie Depot and Fine Pulled Barbecue,” and headed toward her home. Some of my buddies advised me that when some girls talk softly, they are “those” pretty girls with wildcat tempers. I wasn’t a complete-fool.

It was not my fault that I wasn’t a Darrin McGavin, Pernell Roberts or Chad Everett. I had to work with what I had. Let me tell you. That was not work. That was working-the-rock-pile labor. (Nice name for an up and coming garage “head” band’s first album).

Susanna Hoffs (of The Bangles)
Susanna Hoffs (of The Bangles)

The secrets are now revealed

I am the first to admit that “I” did make some mistakes somewhere in the early-going for like I told you. Some girls would just crumble me with that line about “just” taking them home, which tI did for I was a gentleman, but they never told me the mistakes I made. Guess they never had that much time.

But if you are a young male teenager or a twenty-something guy who hates loneliness, and by reading this hub so far has sworn to never be a loser like me, good news. You will be “the” not one of, but “the” most-successful stud on the sidewalk when you read ALL of this list I am calling . . .

A “Do Not Do List” of Things for Young Men on First Dates

Beverly D' Angelo
Beverly D' Angelo
This guy is trying to make his girlfriend dress-up like a calf
This guy is trying to make his girlfriend dress-up like a calf
Samantha Fox
Samantha Fox

DO NOT TRY -- to talk like any male star in the hit film, "GoodFellas."

DO NOT TRY – making hilarious shapes from a fresh banana. * And why are you carrying around a fresh banana?

DO NOT TRY – placing your forehead against your date’s head while making a stupid face.

DO NOT TRY – clearing your throat while she’s talking—and the loogie accidentally flies out in her coffee cup.

DO NOT TRY – impressing her with your two Hollywood actor impressions: “Lassie” and “Goober” Pyle.

DO NOT TRY – tipping the waiter for YOU to bring the food you ordered for you and her to the table.

DO NOT TRY – to “chug” an entire beer at once when the waiter brings it to your table. I doubt if your lovely date is turned-on with beer soaking through her silk top that cost more than your life.

DO NOT TRY – to convince your pretty date to get up and dance with you especially when there is no music.

DO NOT TRY – to “make points with her” by throwing up your hand at people across the restaurant who only laugh and point at you.

DO NOT TRY – to be smarter than you look by quoting famous poets, playwrights and philosophers and what comes out of your mouth (which has food on it) is just confusing jibberish that causes people at the next table to cry out of pity for you.

DO NOT TRY – to make yourself up with make-up and plastic surgery to look like actor, Randy Quaid.

DO NOT TRY – to make your date allow you to put a $2-dollar earring in her ear with the monkey wrench you keep in your trunk. * The earring was on sale at the Chevron station around the block.

DO NOT TRY – to continuously bite yourself on the arm to prove to your date (who is now in shock from what you’ve already said and done) how tough you are. Oh, and please do not say to her, “I am half gator,” then slap your tail up and down on the table.

DO NOT TRY – to humiliate the male waiter by growling, “You mess with my girl and I will kick your butt.” You have no way of knowing that your male waiter is really a Kung Fu master who is working at this restaurant for some extra cash.

DO NOT TRY – to show how brave you are by getting in your date’s face and saying in a loud voice, “Gal, do you dare me to walk across the floor on all-fours? I am not scared to do this!”

© 2015 Kenneth Avery

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    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Eric,

      Thank you much. Now that I look at this hub again, I feel so depressed at the "mistake" I made at NOT making a run on the girls on this piece.

      Ahhh, the ignorance I had at this time.

      BlossomSB,

      Thanks so much. I feel kinda humbled and confused at you being reminded of Proverbs. But since I am not the talent you writers are, I am glad to get your comment.

      God bless you.

      Hey, vkwok,

      Yes. You are now well-prepared for what NOT to do on dates.

      Kenneth

    • vkwok profile image

      Victor W. Kwok 

      3 years ago from Hawaii

      Now I know what not to do.

    • BlossomSB profile image

      Bronwen Scott-Branagan 

      3 years ago from Victoria, Australia

      Funny. For some reason it reminds me a bit of the Book of Proverbs.

    • Ericdierker profile image

      Eric Dierker 

      3 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      Very funny, ah the mistakes we make.

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