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The End of Old Flames

Updated on September 27, 2013

Put an End to Old Flames by Dousing the Embers

Walk away from people who can't appreciate you.
Walk away from people who can't appreciate you. | Source
Celebrate all that is YOU.
Celebrate all that is YOU. | Source

Old Flame Messing With Your Head? Read On.

Why are you still thinking about him (or her, if you're a guy)?

Well, Sheila, he rocked my world and then disappeared. He still contacts me from time to time. He must still have feelings for me.

No, no he doesn't. Or at least, not the "right" feelings. If anything, he thinks of you fondly, like a happy memory of playing a favorite video game. The kind he put on a shelf because it got boring for him. He may pull it out and play another round, but it's certain to go back on the shelf to accumulate dust.

You know who I'm talking about: the flame that ignited and burned out in lickety-split time.
He or she is not worth the time you spend thinking about him or her. How do I know? Well, to be honest, I'm not a licensed therapist (yet), but I have done much research on the topics of dating, relationships, betrayal, personality disorders, self-love, co-dependency, etc, you name it. But the best teacher of all is life experience. Here's mine.

  • He was so good to you, but he bailed soon after the flame ignited. Either he went back to his old girlfriend, wife or mistress. No matter what the circumstance, you were not his number one choice of relationship "go-to" women. Yes, we hate him for being the jerk he was to lead you on like that, but in the end, YOU have to do what's right for you and take the high road.
  • He keeps in touch, even though he's still with "her." Okay great! You know he's a cheater. He is with some other woman yet takes time from his relationship to secretly message you about his emotions. Are you more concerned with what he writes to YOU or the fact that he went behind someone's back to write to you? Personally, I'd put myself in her shoes and feel like I'm so glad I'm not the one he's cheating on (even emotionally).
  • He betrays you or your children. There is no easier way to get over a past flame who is stringing you along than if you catch him showing an act of selfishness (either toward himself or his girlfriend, or both). When you're looking out for your child's best interest (or your own) and the ex-flame is too busy focusing on himself, his own pleasure at the expense of your child's happiness, it's time to take a big bucket of water and douse the old candle burning in his name. Any guy that would make your children feel bad so HE can feel good is NOT the kind of man you want to be thinking about.

On a side note, let me remind you that there are many GOOD men out there. They are the underdogs. They may not come across as the flaming hot, passionate guy you meet and start to fantasize about a future with.

He will be low key. You may not even know how he looks (if you meet in cyber-space). But he will have virtue, values, depth, opinions, caring and nurturing qualities. He will get angry when he thinks about your kids being pushed around. He will contact you regularly because he wants to know how you're doing. He will be the sound of reason even when you expect someone to pat you on the back rather than tell you like it is.

He will NOT un-invite you when you go on a camping trip, claiming his "Zen" will be discombobulated. After all, the drama in his life was created by HIM contacting you, not by YOUR presence.

When it comes to old flames, ask yourself this: does he make you feel better or worse to be in your life? Would you be better off dousing the flame and opting for a more REAL connection? Would you like to be held by and cared for someone who not only sees your worth today, but makes an effort to show up in your life?

Then do what's right and put out the embers burning on your old flame.

As a wise person once said, "If he saw your beauty and worth when he met you, he'd be doing everything he could to be in your life now."

Anything less than doing EVERYTHING to be in your business is NOT worth your time to think about. Now go and enjoy your freedom. The only love and approval you need is your own.

Why are you still hooked on an old flame?

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    • Lord De Cross profile image

      Joseph De Cross 4 years ago

      Hi there,

      Everything is wonderful as the blue sky! Thanks!

    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 4 years ago from Southern California

      Thanks for your sweet, sweet words, Lord! I've missed you. This is a happy Hub, since letting go of a dead weight on your soul is always a cleansing feeling. Life is too short to be looking backward with regret, or being stuck in the present with "what ifs."

      Hope to see you around again. Anything new in your life?

    • Lord De Cross profile image

      Joseph De Cross 4 years ago

      No comments yet? You did great in the subject Sheila! So many people get blinded by feelings that are not worth the try. Is easy to say it, I know. But you have nailed the subject wonderfully. Hope you are fine!