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The Ex May Be Trying To Save You

Updated on June 10, 2010

Why Won't She Listen?


To set the record straight, there are always two sides to every story. That being said, ladies, there is something that we need to discuss. When the ex of your significant other tells you that the man you are with is abusive, selfish, lazy, addicted to drugs, and very, very good at knowing how to manipulate, please listen! Yes, there is always the chance that she is being a trash-talking, bitter, lying, jealous, you-know-what.

Then again, she may just be trying to save you the heartache, not to mention the physical pain, that she went through. When in doubt, ask around. He and his family may have hid the evidence pretty well but there is always somebody who knows. Neighbors who hear the screams, friends who know his habits, friends who have seen her bruises, co-workers, school faculty who have talked to the kids, police officers who have come out to the house, there is always somebody who knows something.

If you are uncomfortable asking around or feel you do not need to, think about that nagging little voice way back in your head. You know it’s there, you want to ignore it, you do ignore it, but it’s still there. You know you saw something there, you know you heard something else in what he said, but still, you ignore it. He has not actually done anything. He is still saying all the right things, nothing offensive or overt. But still…..

Let us explore an actual example, shall we? My ex-husband is my ex because he used drugs, got violent, and lost more jobs than he looked for let alone got. His failure to honor his commitment to me and our children made me realize that there was nothing resembling a real man in him and so I left. Since then, he has remarried. Before they moved in together, in the last house we lived in, even his parents tried to warn her. Eventually she even managed to convince them that the rehab worked and he was reformed. After a while even I began to wonder if maybe this woman had what it took to keep him straight.

The only problem was that he was still only talking to his children in radical spurts and when he did, he made promises that sounded very familiar. Also familiar, he failed to keep those promises. Various conversations with him and his parents revealed other similarities to the man I knew, the dishonorable one. My warnings of an impending rebound were dismissed. Calling him out on certain tell-tale signs and voicing my concerns was like beating my head against a brick wall; completely pointless and painful.

Recently I discovered that my instincts were spot-on, he has been using again. But he is reformed, mind you. He has been hitting her, too. But he is not that man anymore. Nope, he is a better man now. That’s why he is going BACK to rehab, AA, and anger management. That’s right, I said ‘back’. Clearly it worked so well for him the last time around. And how about that talking to his family thing? That works, too. Yes, indeed. Let us not alert the authorities about his criminal behavior, no, the family is much better equipped to handle him. These kinds of domestic issues are family matters after all, the law need not be involved. It would be embarrassing.

Now I have not had any communication with his wife to get her side of the story, she will not reciprocate since the news was spilt. If my intuition serves me right, as it has so far, she will not. I understand why, being proven wrong is not fun. Finding out your husband really is the monster you were warned about hurts. Having no other option than to admit it is painful in and of itself. The bottom line here, ladies, is that the ex-wife is not always just some raving lunatic, sometimes she is honestly trying to save you.


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    • Chaotic Chica profile image

      Chaotic Chica 7 years ago

      Thank you, hubpageswriter. It's nice to have some validation every once in a while! :)

    • profile image

      hubpageswriter 7 years ago

      True. The ex doesn't have to be bad all the time. Some exes are really nice and have no ill-intent.

    • FrankiesGirl6Yr profile image

      FrankiesGirl6Yr 7 years ago from South Carolina

      No Problem..I hope it helps.Make sure to let others know:)The site is run by a volunteer org, and the only promotion "The Weaker Vessel" receives is from people like us "word of mouth". In my opinion, I think it should be a mandatory register "like sex offenders have to do", but Domestic Violence Laws are far from something so simple.

      Currently: Both cockfighting and domestic violence are currently misdemeanor crimes, punishable by 30 days in jail. A bill was passed that made cockfighting a felony, punishable by five years in jail. Domestic violence crimes remain a misdemeanor.

    • Chaotic Chica profile image

      Chaotic Chica 7 years ago

      FrankiesGirl~Wow! Pretty neat site! It's a shame what happened to you but you obviously survived and got out of Dodge for which I am very happy to hear. Thanks for the tip on the site and for taking the time to visit!

    • FrankiesGirl6Yr profile image

      FrankiesGirl6Yr 7 years ago from South Carolina

      Here ya go, put his ass on here

      Your right, most will not listen to words of advice when it comes from the ex. I was on the other end..Yes, I’m the hard headed person that though I had the magic wand to ding*~*`’` and perform miracles. To give myself a little credit; I wasn’t informed of his prior abuse until after the abuse had begun. So a missing spleen and 2 surgerys later ? I have found this site to be the most informative way to warn others. If you have ever pressed charges against your ex, taken out a restraining order, or order of protection you are qualified to submit your abuser.

      It’s a simple process…

      - Send copies of criminal orders of protection and any police reports you have

      - Send in his photograph

      - Send in a $12 money order

      Mail to…

      The Weaker Vessel, Inc.

      P.O. Box 2603

      Gary, IN 46403

      The site includes every state… When the state of your choice is clicked on, it shows the photo of the abuser and the list of his charges. The weaker vessel is new, some states have no defendants listed, but I think this was an amazing idea and is the perfect tool in situations like this. If the information is there in black and white, there’s no arguing or wondering, if what the ex is say is true or untrue.. Great Hub

    • Chaotic Chica profile image

      Chaotic Chica 7 years ago

      Thanks Carolina~While I would have liked to have avoided all those years of pain and heartache, I have four beautiful children as a result so I will never say I regret it. That does not mean that I want anyone else to suffer. I'm not happy that I was right about his back-sliding and it hurts that I could not get her to listen to me. I guess you just can't save them all.

    • carolina muscle profile image

      carolina muscle 7 years ago from Charlotte, North Carolina

      I'm sorry you had to go through that. There seems to be a lot of toxic people out there.

    • Chaotic Chica profile image

      Chaotic Chica 7 years ago

      Thank you, thevoice. I'm glad you found it interesting.

    • thevoice profile image

      thevoice 7 years ago from carthage ill

      terrific very unique read write thanks