The Facebook Ex Request
- Originally published May 12, 2012
Its nearly nine 'o clock on a Tuesday night. You're on Facebook, because that's all the life you have anymore. You're minding your own business when that little red blip lights up at the top of your screen to indicate a new friend request. Huh. It's not often you get friend requests and when you do, they're usually from morons you went to high school with. They never talked to you then, why do they want to attempt now? Of course, you click on it. The blip disappears and to your horror, there he is. It's been six months since you broke up. You've seen this before. The ex who gets screwed over by the girl he cheated on you with, comes crawling back. He knows your weakness and how vulnerable you are. To your knowledge though, this one never did that. He just withdrew (and not in the appropriate way). His manipulative ways pulled you in and in the end, left you stranded.
You stare at the screen. Your body begins to shake uncontrollably as you sit wondering what you're supposed to do. If you really hated him and had moved on you would have automatically hit DENY the second you saw it. But let's face it. You've been waiting for the moment when he'd contact you again. Everything comes back. This was the boy you barely knew, who at a drop of a dime, came over to rescue you from a spider. The boy whose insecurities matched with yours and made you feel more safe than you'd ever felt before. The one who smothered you with affection, sometimes you felt it difficult to breathe. The guy who said 'I love you' during sex...at least five times; every time. There was his face staring back at you. You let it sit in the inbox for fifteen minutes before hitting ACCEPT.
Right away, you view his page. Scrolling down, you find a status that talks about hanging out with his girlfriend. Wait. WHAT. Girlfriend? You broke up because he couldn't handle a relationship at the time. You feel an invisible stab in the gut. Then you find the status that asks what it will take to get over her. HAH. Karma, baby. You find yourself feeling repulsed. The thought of him sleeping with anyone else makes you want to vomit.
You IM a friend asking for advice. Why'd you accept, they want to know. He doesn't deserve it. They think you're making a mistake, but if you must, then give him 24 hours and nothing more. Give him 24 hours to notice that you've accepted and to message you first. Okay, you say.
Immediately, you begin sending secret messages through the news feed at him. Messages in songs. You begin with Ben Harper's haunting version of "The Drugs Don't Work."
Like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown, this time I'm coming down. But the drugs don't work, they just make you worse and I know I'll see your face again.
Then you begin to feel a little more aggressive and share the wise words of Bob Dylan.
I ain't saying you treated me unkind, you could have done better but I don't mind. You just kind of wasted my precious time, but don't think twice, its alright.
It's been an hour since you hit the accept button, just waiting for him to sign in so you can ream him. You're furious now and this is where Alanis comes in.
It was a slap in the face, how quickly I was replaced, and are you thinking of me when you F-- HER?
You've managed to get the shaking under control and decide to head to bed. The entire next day is spent anxiously waiting for your phone to vibrate with a notification that he's messaged you. But nothing. You go home that night and realize, you still have his balls and that he must have never grown another pair. You go to his page one last time and click, UNFRIEND.