- Gender and Relationships
The Flavours of Adultery
They all taste bad....
People commit adultery for
It is not just that A is married
to B and cheats with C.
Yes, there are the 'standard'
types which you've seen in
media and in real life.
Yes, it always hurts, even if you don't love the other person the fact they could betray your trust has to hurt.
And yes, at the time of the occurrence of adultery, it doesn't matter why, when, how or what.
But to cope, to heal, to comprehend, understanding the basis for the adultery is more than helpful.
If you can grasp the fact there are different motivations you may be able to protect yourself a little better, or at least, survive.
There are people who can not bond. Whether it is psychological, whether it is an aspect of their upbringing, whether it is genetic, they can not form 'permanent' bonds.
Persons who can not Bond change their friends as their socks. They carry no one from primary school to middle school. The person they claim is their best friend today was not the person they claimed last month or even last week.
Whatever psychological reasons can be stacked, the fact is, this person can not bond. He or she can not comprehend the nature of being unfaithful as they do not have the capacity to be faithful.
This person has not realisation that s/he is supposed to have bonded with you to the exclusion of others.
It sounds like an excuse, but so is colour blindness.
There are people who can not maintain any long term relationship. All their friends and family are equal, and the only reason one might get more focus than another is because this one loans them money or takes them to the game or lives closer to their home.
The inability to bond is real.
What you must do is that when you meet someone is ascertain if they can bond.
When you meet someone who comes and goes, who has no real links to anyone, be on guard. Find out who his best friend is, how long the relationship.
Find out how long he has 'always' gone to this club or eaten at this restaurant, or held that job, or had this 'fixture' in his life.
Very often you'll learn that he has no real close friend, he has 'crowds'. He knows a lot of people and treats them all the same.
This one may 'star' in his life this week, next week it is another from a different crew. Often you'll find that he rarely sees his relatives and maintains a distance. He may have belonged to this club 'forever' in his words, but two months by the calendar.
This is a person who does not have the capacity to bond. This is a person whose relationships are fluid. When a 'potential' steps in his path, he is as likely to have sex with her as a ram goat released into a herd.
It has nothing to do with you. The person he has cheated with might be unattractive in all ways. He may not recall her name in a week.
You might think, how can he leave me for that?
The fact is, he hasn't left you, he was never there.
So You Think You're Somebody?
Here is a marriage, one person has a great job or is very popular or has so many interests. The other isn't so much. The feeling of neglect begins to over power.
Many women, married to busy men feel neglected. They want their husbands to come home early, they want their husbands to take them out, they want to be with their husbands, But...
there's a deadline, there's a competition, he promised the guys, he wants to see that, go there, live his life...
So the wife, feeling neglected, feeling less, finds a man who makes her feel more.
The guy doesn't have to be anything; he just has to fill the emptiness. Just has to make her feel that there is someone who is there for her.
The extra in the affair is that there's her husband thinking he's all that, rushing from a board meeting to his salsa class, coming home tired because he has an early meeting tomorrow, looking in the mirror and liking what he sees.
And there's the wife, who has just come from some other man's bed, thinking; "Gee you're so stupid, you don't even know I was out."
This adultery would never take place if the husband had been more attentive.
The Last Time You Step on Me
When one person demeans another, makes them feel less; not just neglected, but like nothing, having an affair makes them 'equal'. Just as in Neglect, Insult Adultery has the same 'get you back' nature.
Often the 'lover' is someone the cheater doesn't even like. The words are available, convenient, not love, not desire, not even attraction.
So the wife makes more money than the husband and puts him on an allowance, or decides what bills she pays or doesn't. He feels emasculated because he can not afford to buy lunch on his allowance or get the cable turned back on. But when he's in bed with the helper, she calls him; "Mister."
So the husband thinks his wife is too stupid to understand and embarrasses her at the party. That's okay. The guy who is sliding into their bed while hubby is at work thinks she's just fine.
And then the Music Plays
This is the real cheating. This is the heart and soul affair. This is the guy or gal who falls in love with someone outside of the marriage.
This is the 'deal breaker' this is the divorce lawyer, this is a marriage which can not be fixed. This is a marriage which is over.
This is not a case where if the wife/husband did or didn't; this is a situation in which there is no longer a true relationship between the husband and wife.
There is no explanation, no way to soften the blow.
It doesn't matter if the wife/husband is an angel. It doesn't matter if s/he is rich or poor. This is passion this is a transfer of emotion. This is the end of the marriage.