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The Friendzone Fallacy

Updated on November 11, 2017

The Skinny

Relationships tend to go one of three ways. 1) Two people like each other, things click, and the relationship flourishes, 2) The pair talk, go on dates, but no feelings emerge and they end up being good friends or move on with their lives, or 3) One person "catches feelings," the other party fails to reciprocate those feelings, (doesn't feel the same) and leaves the other individual sad and lonely once again. With respect to the aforementioned "friend-zone" I speak to BOTH men and women and how being left in this pathetic state can be avoided.Here is some reassurance and a friendly reminder from one who has waded through the deepest darkest trenches of the friend-zone MANY times, there is NOTHING wrong with you! And there is nothing wrong with the person you feel has wronged you for that matter. Allow me to explain.

We as humans in this tumultuous life have been endowed with the amazing gift of freedom of personal choice, even our agency. Believe it or not we DO have control over how we react to certain situations and traumatic events which inevitably befall us. Granted, the choices of others may awaken an array of emotions within us from which may range from the happiest of happy to the most unbearable depression one can stand. These emotions for the most part are normal. But in the wake of emotionally crippling events such as a break-up or rejection from a person for whom you harbored tender feelings, these pride crushing episodes and subsequent grief; we are the ones accountable for our feelings and how we learn from them. As the principle of our freedom of choice applies to relationships, we have the right to choose those with whom we do and do not want to be romantically involved. Let me also say this, it does NOT make you a bad person if you do not have the same feelings towards a person who admits to having feelings for you. Sometimes it just doesn't click and that's OK, life is hard. But sometimes when this happens, the one who was "let down" begins a rapid decent into the vortex of what is termed the "friend-zone." Urban Dictionary (a reliable source in this context) defines the "friend-zone" as "When someone rejects another when asked out." (Please visit the UD website for an expanded definition on this and other topics)

I think we all can agree that this (the friend-zone) seems to happen to guys moreso than girl but it can happen to anyone that when they are denied a date, or feel rejected, they mask their injured ego by pointing the blame towards the other claiming they have been placed in that awful "friend-zone." Guys and gals, I'm here to tell you that YOU put yourself in the friend-zone, not the other person. They have made their choice and there was probably nothing you could have done different to change that. They exercised their God-given right to choose who they let into their life and there's absolutely NOTHING you can do about it. Think that's harsh? Keep reading!

The Friend-ZonEE

Now, here's where it gets tricky. As I said before, relationships are an END GAME, where both parties are striving for a certain ideal, status, feeling, whatever, it's very complicated and subjective. But, if you feel you have been turned down or rejected, do this; move on with your life! To be completely blunt, YOU put yourself in the friend-zone because you have allowed yourself to enter this frame of mind, this brutal social construct. You leave yourself wallowing in your tearful, drunken sorrow watching reruns of Days of Our Lives, listening to The Cure, and wondering what the hell is wrong with you. Let me say this MAN -or- WOMAN THE FUCK UP! Don't allow yourself to even be in the friend-zone. Don't even make that a part of your psyche. You got rejected, BIG DEAL, it happens all the time. Don't linger around trying to win him/her back or annoying him/her by trying to change his/her mind. This is stupid, aggravating, and usually doesn't work. Now there may be those who still try to talk to you after having rejected you. This is OK. But when they attempt to confide in you and tell you about their problems they're having with other dudes/chicks, then THAT is where you need to draw the line. That, my good men and women, is your moment to show your strength and put your foot down and say "hold up, no mam/sir, this ain't happening," It is at this that you have a choice to enter into or walk away from the edge of the dark abyss of the friend-zone. Let me be plain; don't do boyfriend/girlfriend stuff with him/her if you are not his/her boyfriend/girlfriend. This may require you to be a little straightforward with them. They may get offended, their feelings hurt, even become angry. But they AND you need to understand that the choice has been made, the "us" you had hoped for is not happening. I'm not suggesting that you be rude. But be strong, be bold, be honest and tell them how you feel. Don't waste your time energy on a person who does not want you! Get on with your life and forget about them! By so doing, you have taken control of your life! You will find that your self-respect will increase and your confidence naturally will soar. Now you are empowered to attract and pursue other relationship ventures! As I said before, this happens to guys more so than girls, but what I speak to one, I speak to both.

The Friend-ZonER

Now I turn to the person who did the "friend-zoning." Please understand that the other person's feelings have been hurt, not by you personally, but by the CHOICE that you have made. Know that their hurt feelings are NOT your problem. But, if you don't like them like that, then DON'T continue to give them a reason to think that maybe there is hope for the two of you when you know that there isn't. That is just mean and inconsiderate. If there is, then let them know! But don't play with people's emotions, that ain't cool. I understand that people's feelings change and that is OK. If you decide that you don't like that person, then definitely don't rub it in their face by hammering them with your relationship woes. Don't depend on them, for support when you have chosen to not be a support in their life. Do this instead, LEAVE THEM THE F*CK ALONE! Move on so that they can do the same! Emotional injuries, like physical injuries, can and will heal over time as long as they are not exacerbated by the original stressor. In this case, that stressor is YOU. If you think that this is rude, that's OK, because it no longer matters what that person does because it is none of your business. It's actually a very mature move to make. Now, sometimes people talk, date, flirt, whatever and no feeling emerge from either person and they become friends instead. That is great! I have many female friends with whom this has happened and I do cherish their friendship. It may even happen that when the one person that has their feelings rejected, and the "let-downer" does not try to "friend-zone" that person, or do anything that would confuse their tinder little heart, they may still remain friends. Hats off to both of you! That is a sign of emotional maturity, something most people can not and may never understand, let alone put into practice.

Wrapping it up

As I said before, relationships are an end-game. They either spawn great relationships and babies, or misunderstandings and enemies. Perhaps the most important aspect of any relationship, and even the entire human experience is honest, straightforward, unadulterated COMMUNICATION. Be bold, be strong, be open, speak your mind, follow your gut and ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS keep yourself out of the trenches of the "friend-zone."


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    • Ethan Chandler profile imageAUTHOR

      Ethan Chandler 

      19 months ago from Louisiana

      Thank for your comments and thank you for reading!

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      19 months ago

      Excellent article!

      "there is NOTHING wrong with you! And there is nothing wrong with the person you feel has wronged you for that matter." I agree for the most part.

      However anyone who knowingly (chooses) to behave like a "friend" in hopes that one day things will be different is more or a less a coward.

      As you noted it's usually men who are placed in the "friend zone". Oftentimes they want to disarm women by acting as if they're not romantically/sexually interested in them with the hopes of earning their trust.

      If or whenever the guy works up the nerve to let it be known he has feelings or desires her and she tells him:

      "All we can ever be is friends." The guy should bounce!

      "Don't allow yourself to even be in the friend-zone. Don't even make that a part of your psyche. You got rejected, BIG DEAL, it happens all the time. Don't linger around trying to win him/her back or annoying him/her by trying to change his/her mind."

      – Great advise!

      Even if you're told by someone: "Lets take it slow and see where things go." or "I want to be friends first." Move on!

      If someone thought you were "hot" or they were "into you" they would not risk leaving you on the "open market" for very long! There's no such thing as being "exclusive friends".

      Anyone who calls you a "friend" is essentially telling you the following: "I don't see you as being (the one) for me!"

      Truth be told an (ex lover) has a better chance of becoming a best friend than a "best friend" has of becoming a lover!

      The "friend zone" is for cowards!

      "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."

      - Oscar Wilde

      In a world with (7 Billion people) rejection just means: NEXT! :)


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