- Gender and Relationships
The Great White Elephant - Break Ups
It’s an interesting world we live in. I almost have to laugh. Looking back, people are, at the very least, the most interesting thing I have ever seen. But of course, since you’re reading this, I’m guessing the following items are true:
- You’ve recently had a break up, and a bad one at that.
- You’re hurt beyond belief and are turning to the Internet for advice.
- You will do nearly anything to get that other person back.
- You don’t think it’s a laughing matter at all.
And really, why should you find it funny? After all, you just had your heart ripped out. I know the feeling. I’ve been there, I’ve done it. I was ready to marry someone once. I had it planned, but it didn’t happen. And there were no words to describe those feelings which coursed through me from the very second I woke up to the near sleepless nights I had, time after relentless time.
Now perhaps just saying that alone does no justice for a condolence’s sake. But to do you justice by attempting to spread a form of empathy is certainly not what I’m writing this for, as that would simply be a fools errand. Admit it, what you want to hear is a magical formula that will lead you to getting that specific person back. Secretly, you know there is no simple ‘cure-all’, but you still want to hear those words: “wear better clothes, exercise more, challenge yourself and build a better life as a result”. Well, not that those things are bad (they certainly aren’t, and I recommend them in everyday life), but in order for those things to have any real affect, you have to do something even harder. And that ‘thing’, that solitary action, is something you won't believe at first. It will seem like an impossible thing to do, and you’ll give up almost immediately. But I promise that I am right when I say that the ONLY way to ever get an ex back and keep her is to… well… forget about her.
I did just say that.
You have to somehow take that person, who your life metaphorically and perhaps even literally centered around, and shove them out—all the way. But how in the world do you do that? I know for the first six months after my incident, I thought of this other person nearly day in and day out. But it DID get better, eventually. Truly, it did. And it’s all because of time. Get yourself away from that guy, or that girl, and just try and live for awhile. Maybe you can, maybe you can’t, but it’s like any other skill. Learning to live again will be like learning a new musical instrument or a new language. Especially in the sense that the more you try and the more you immerse yourself in the world of that activity, the better you’ll get, and the more quickly the bettering will be!
And you might now be thinking something along the lines of ‘why would I want to forget her?’ and ‘doesn’t that undermine the purpose of getting back to together with them?’. Well, surprise surprise, the answer is quite simply yes, it does. If for some reason, as a result of creating a new life and pushing that other person out of your life, you lose your desire for that other person, then GOOD. You will find someone else, I promise.
So get your hopes up for other things, make new goals, and develop new hobbies. Start running and run more and more; read books, learn to cook, learn a new language or how to draw, or how to play another instrument, or how to drift in a car or even, for pete's sake, how to plant a garden! But for you’ll need to do something. Fill your schedule and stay busy. And most importantly (I left this out above so I could make it a sentence or two entirely for itself), surround yourself with friends—the kind that will talk about all the shit in your life with you, and who will share their shit with you. That’s going to develop a little thing inside of you called strength. Ill say it again for effect – STRENGTH. Ooh, all caps too. Sweet.
Anyways, I digress. There’s even a secret ingredient that will accompany every action mentioned above, and it will be the ever so constant time. It heals all wounds and that should give you hope if you simply find it in yourself to find faith in that very idea. I ask you, for your own well being, that if you so choose to blindly believe one thing that someone tells you in your lifetime, believe this. It happens to be the greatest truth I have stumbled upon. Time will heal you.
It is rather peculiar, really, but I am the exact opposite person I was a year ago. People called me quiet and depressed. They said I was boring to be around and not someone who was of much interest. But since then, I started running, and now run 10 miles every other day. I started learning French, and can now speak it nearly fluently. I even devoted myself to the violin and learned a concerto by Vivaldi. And then I proceeded to play it for over 2000 people at a local concert hall where I am from. I have more friends than I could have ever imagined, and the trust we share is nearly unfathomable.
I’m trying not to boast, but I am proud of who I am compared to what I was. That’s what you can do too. It was a year ago to this day that my ex broke up with me, and I write this now after a wonderful first date with a girl I met, ironically, in a French class. It’s also been my first date since the last break-up period; and I have a pretty decent feeling about this girl. She’s hot.
Now understandably I know this advice won’t have any immediate and graceful change to your life. You have some grieving yet to come. But the very fact of knowing the things that I have said can be enough to significantly help the process. At some point you’ll notice that you’re not thinking of that other person as much as you used to, and you’ll see that time can truly change things. At that point, it’s now your job to smile at yourself and at the rest of the world. Then go running, or pick up an instrument, start a poker game with your friends, and then go camping. Ask another person on a date, and don’t be afraid to make mistakes. In general, something that makes the heart beat faster is something worth doing. There's another little useful bite of advice!
Who knows, a few months or years from now, you, bolstered by the lessons you’ve learned and the internal growth you’ve endured, may by chance cross paths with that other person once again. Another thing to trust me on—nothing shocks a person more than seeing there ex (who they last saw as a broken wreck) come back as a strong individual who has changed in only the best ways and has ‘moved past’ them. If a spark re-ignites and a new future arises, so be it. If not, well, you’ll meet another girl in a French class, or you’ll pass her on a run enough times that you’ll finally stop and talk—or God Knows, but you’ll figure it out.
Also, listen to Changing of the Seasons by Two Door Cinema Club. It's below.
Anyways, If I have in some ways helped you, then I glad to have helped.
Song is great right? You're welcome.