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The Ultimate Player: All About the Guy Who Likes to be Chased but Can Never be Truly Caught

Updated on March 19, 2017
GreenEyes1607 profile image

Sabrina loves to write about love, life, and everything in between in a candid yet humorous approach.

This is the guy who causes the most confusion in the dating world for women. He is so elusive and hard to understand, yet when he does make the rare appearance he manages to hold a woman's attention long after he is gone. Unfortunately, I know this firsthand. Or maybe not so unfortunately, because now I can share the lessons I learned with you and hopefully keep you from making the same mistakes I did.

I met this guy in high school and he held my attention halfway through college. Our relationship, if it can ever be called that, began with a great first date. I was head over heels for this guy, he was everything I looked for. He was tall, dark, and handsome, not to mention funny and charming. He seemed like a genuinely nice guy. He could make me smile and laugh like no one else could before. We could talk for hours and I would never be bored even if there wasn't anything in particular to talk about. I could be in an empty room with this guy with nothing to do and still have the time of my life. He was almost too good to be true and sadly he was.

After some great dates, I noticed him slowly drifting away. When we should have been getting closer, we only drifted further and further apart. I couldn't figure it out at first. Had I done something to scare him off? I couldn't think of anything I was doing differently compared to when we first started dating. After a few weeks of us talking less and less, he finally had the "talk" with me to break up even though we never really dated in the first place. He said he still had feelings for his ex girlfriend and just wanted to be single for awhile to figure things out. Even though I was heartbroken, I didn't have much choice but to agree with him. Besides, what else could I really do? I wasn't going to talk him into being with me if he had feelings for someone else. Yet, I knew in my heart that things weren't over with us for good. I still had hope for us.

That was my first mistake, still holding out for hope for this guy. If I had just left things with him when he "broke up" with me, I would have saved myself a lot of trouble. But I just couldn't leave it alone. He was everything I wanted in a guy and I just couldn't let it go. It didn't help that I had to see him in class everyday for three years. It's hard getting over somebody when you have to see them everyday and still find yourself attracted to them. Plus, there was no good reason why we had to be apart. We had so much in common and I had felt a really strong connection to him. Now, all he had to do was figure out his feelings with this other girl and maybe find his way back to me where he belonged (or so I thought at the time).

The thing is, he never really left my life. We remained friends, and he always showered me with just enough attention to keep me interested and keep me wanting more. He would call me and we would have a great conversation and even make plans to hangout. Then, when the day to hang out actually came about, he would cancel because he had a hangover from too much drinking last night or his car just had to be washed that day. It was always one excuse or another. Then other times that we made plans to hangout, he would cancel like an hour before because he had to go help his friend because obviously his friend was a priority and I never was. He would feed me speeches about how he would hangout with the person who he made plans with first, yet when that person was me he never followed his own rules.

I was always the one left behind and forgotten because I so obviously was not the priority but maybe just a secondary option. He also blamed his work for not having enough time to hangout with me. Yet I was the only person who he wouldn't hang out with because he just "worked too much". This was when he actually took the time to tell me he couldn't make it on the day we had plans, many times he simply wouldn't answer his phone or turn it off, leaving me to figure it out on my own. Now, I'm not an unreasonable person, if someone truly was busy with work or other personal stuff I would totally understand, but this just wasn't the case with this guy.

Again, all I got was excuses all of the time and it broke my heart. My friends told me to forget about him and move on, that I deserved to be treated better. Inside, I knew they were right but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't move on when I still had feelings for this guy and I wasn't interested in anyone else at the time. So I held on for longer, hoping that maybe, just maybe, the next time we made plans he would actually follow through and we would get to spend some time together.

This when on for years until I finally did meet someone else and started dating him. I know now that it wasn't for the right reasons, but I was so desperate for the attention I craved from the guy who led me on for so long, that when this other guy gave this attention so easily I just soaked it up. I couldn't believe I no longer had to chase someone but they actually called me to hangout and do things. This other guy called when he said he would, he never ditched me for his friends, he actually ditched his friends quite a few times when I really needed him more. In every area that the first guy lacked, this second guy more then made up. He seemed like a good guy at first so I decided to date him and try to forget about the first guy for good.

The first guy, let's call him Michael, couldn't let go that easily though. Suddenly, when it looked like I had completely moved on from him with this other guy, he couldn't deal with it. Like never before, he started calling me everyday and wanting to make plans to hangout. He remembered every holiday and birthday, when he never once wished me a happy birthday ever before. He even said I should come over for dinner and meet his family. Seriously?! This was what I had wanted all along, and now I was getting it a little too late when I had already moved on. I couldn't deny my feelings for Michael again so I decided to break up with my boyfriend and go back to him.

For about two weeks, he kept up his charade of calling me everyday and we even went on a few dates. Things were going good and I was so happy. We enjoyed each other's company and I though wow finally things are finally working out for us and it seemed like we had picked up right where we left off in high school. But like all good things, this too came to an end. Pretty soon, Michael fell into his old habits. Slowly but surely, he started to call less and less. Suddenly, he was working more hours and was so busy with his college classes. I noticed the familiar pattern of his behavior and it broke my heart. For some reason, I still held on to the hope that he would change and maybe he was just getting scared off because we were moving so fast. Even though I was never a true optimist, I still held the hope that things weren't really over between us. Maybe I saw The Notebook one too many times, but I truly believed he was my Noah and that the obstacles we faced would eventually bring us closer. Foolish girl I was.

Time went on and it seemed that everybody had moved on with their lives. In the back of my mind, I still had some hope for us getting back together but it was slowly starting to disappear and the thing is, I didn't really care that it did. Every once in awhile, Michael would still call or text me and we'd catch up. Maybe once or twice a year we'd meet up for lunch or dinner but something had changed. At one such dinner he was now asking me to move in with him, he told me he wanted to get married and start a family. He said he would do everything for me, I wouldn't even have to work because he wanted to take care of me. I was shocked at this proposal. Seriously, after all these years (about 6 years at the time) he was wanting to give me the things I had always wanted?Had he finally grown up and gotten over his commitment phobia?

I had many questions about his sudden change of heart but only one answer: no. It's like we had switched roles and I was him and he was me. I no longer wanted anything he offered me. It was just too late. He had broken my heart one too many times and it just didn't want him anymore. All the mind games he had played over the years had done a number on me. He made me chase him too many times, never once letting me truly catch him. Even though he now dangled the first prize ribbon in front of me, I was too out of breathe and tired from running the race in the first place. I thought I would be sad, but the truth is, I was relieved to be able to walk away from him after so long. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. After all, how could I be sad about losing someone who was never really mine to begin with?

So this is how my story ends. I had finally caught the guy I wanted all along, but it was just too late. I had changed, and my feelings had changed with time. Do I wish that things were different? Not really. I think I had to go through all of the pain and hurt to truly get over him in the end, otherwise I would have always wondered what could have been. The truth is, I don't think Michael was a bad guy at all, even though he acted like a jerk to me for so many years. I actually think he was a good guy on the inside but just not ready to deal with the magnitude of a real relationship and chose to handle it by playing mind games. I think he didn't want to lose me, but at the same time he didn't want to really be with me in a relationship all those years, so he figured by stringing me along he could keep me around without truly dating me.

I learned that I was never meant to be with a guy who I had to chase. Honestly, that kind of guy is never meant for you because the right guy will chase you, not the other way around. I learned that I should never have to be so desperate for a guy's attention, he should give it freely if he is a true gentleman. Maybe in high school, that kind of behavior is okay, but we are adults now and I couldn't put up with it, nor should I have to. I learned many things from my relationship with him, or lack of one to say it more accurately, to ever repeat history again.

The guy that I ended up with, the one who was truly meant for me, was nothing like Michael. He was too much of a man to ever play childish games with me. He gave me his attention freely and I never once had to seek it. He always called me and made plans and never broke them. He puts an honest 100% effort into our relationship everyday and I try my best to do the same for him. His friends are an important part of his life but he makes me a priority just the same. The guy that I'm with now is the real deal and I never have to wonder about it because I am sure. The guy who will one day become my husband is like a three course meal in a five-star restaurant, I am never unsatisfied or left hungry, while the Michael was like an appetizer, never quite enough and always leaving me empty in my heart.

Never chase the guy who doesn't really want to be caught. You're way better than that and deserve so much more. The real man that you need in your life will chase you so get rid of those running shoes ladies, you will never have to run after the who actually needs to be caught because he'll be too busy running after you!

Hesitate by Stone Sour

© 2015 GreenEyes1607

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    • GreenEyes1607 profile image
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      GreenEyes1607 2 years ago from USA

      Thanks for your thoughts! It took me awhile but I finally made the right decision about him, better late than never right?

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 2 years ago

      Voted up an useful!

      You said a few interesting things here.

      "I met this guy in high school and he held my attention halfway through college." (Most guys in high school and college aren't looking to settle down.)

      "he finally had the "talk" with me to break up even though we never really dated in the first place. He said he still had feelings for his ex girlfriend and just wanted to be single for awhile to figure things out. Even though I was heartbroken.."

      (It's great you had the insight to see that you were not in a relationship to begin with! Once again he was saying he's not ready to settle down.)

      "He was everything I wanted in a guy and I just couldn't let it go."

      (This is a trap many women fall into. In order for him to be "the one" he'd have to see you as being "the one". At the very least a soul-mate is someone who actually wants to be with you!)

      " I actually think he was a good guy on the inside but just not ready to deal with the magnitude of a real relationship and chose to handle it by playing mind games."

      (To arrive at this state of mind required maturity on your part. If you ever have a teenage son I'm sure you will realize no high school boy is ready to become anyone's life mate.)

      I don't think he was playing "mind games". I think he grew comfortable knowing if he wanted he could always have you. Most young guys will tell you if they wanted to be married they know one or two women they could have for a wife. Once it looked like you would no longer be available for him he needed to prove if he wanted you he could get you.

      Each time you would go out on dates with him after long absences it was reassuring him that he could still have you. You were money in the bank!

      He always knew no matter what happened with other girls/women in his life there was one he could count on that saw him as "amazing"!

      Unfortunately he never saw you that way and yet he appreciated you.

      You did the right thing in turning him down. Some guys and girls believe in marrying someone who loves them more than they love/care about their mate. To be "in love" is to be willing to be "vulnerable". Some people never fully emotionally invest in another after that first broken heart.

      This guy wasn't playing mind games he just never wanted to feel again the way his ex-girlfriend made him feel.

      Hopefully with age and wisdom he became willing to risk it all again. You came along too soon after the heartache. Timing is everything!