Communicating Your Grievances Helps to Make Relationships Stable
Communication in Marriage
In a great relationship couples talk freely, openly, and feel safe sharing their most private thoughts. But there are moments in very marriage when communication comes to a standstill. Hurt feelings, past events, stubbornness can make it feel impossible to go back to the way things used to be. At one time, you will be convinced that you married the wrong woman and your wife will be convinced she married the wrong man. But changing the way you listen to your spouse and express yourself in conversation help you make things right. Avoid becoming yet another statistics. You can have a new marriage with the same spouse if you comfortably and considerately verbalize your concerns and feelings when difficulties arise and voice your positive thoughts when things are good. And both of you talk tactfully, staying far from attacking, hurtful or controlling comments.
Grace Driscoll said, in Real Marriage The Truth About Sex, Friendship and Life, “Mark and I grew more distant in our marriage. Communication was at an all-time low, as was our intimacy, and we became unable to serve each other without demanding something in return. We dealt with conflict very differently; he chose harsh words and I chose silence. We both chose bitterness. As you can imagine, nothing really got resolved. Fear, lies, busyness, and discontentment all kept us from intimacy.”
Both when they learned to listen attentively, trying to understand what their partner says with sympathy rather than looking for what’s wrong in what their partner has to say or dismissing what they hear, even if they have a different perspective, their relationship improved.
Great communication in marriage is a skill that you can learn. It takes practice. Richard Templar wrote, “Of course, we don’t need to fill all the silence but there are some pretty etiquette when it comes to talking to each other.
- Acknowledge that your partner has spoken to you –and no, a grunt or a sigh isn’t what I mean.
- Make some recognition every few seconds that you are still awake, alive, in the room, interested, paying attention this may be a nod, a yes or no, a noise of encouragement 9hmm, oh).
- Be aware that talking is part of your duties as a lover/partner and you should be good at it.
- Good talking lead sex –if you aren’t talking you aren’t flirting, holding hands, seducing. By talking we are committing the act known as foreplay.
- Talking helps resolve problems, silence only amplifies them.
- Talking keeps you together –it’s what you used to do when you first fell in love, remember?”
When there is trouble afoot, it’s talking that will get you out of it. When you are going through bad patches, it is talking it out that will see you through. When you are optimistic and excited, it is talking that will help your partner share it.
When you are right, let’s try to win our spouse gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when you are wrong and that will be surprising often, if you are honest with yourself admit your mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm. Not only will that technique produce astonishing results, but, believe it or not, it is a lot more fun, under the circumstances, than trying to defend yourself.
Communication in marriage is like a river. When communication flows smoothly between married couple it's fun, feels good, and helps supports marital bliss. However, when communication flow is turbulent and you cannot express anything you wanted to, it's potentially dangerous and destructive. You resort to hurting each other with your words. Instead of building each other up, you tear each other down and caused deep, emotional pain. And when communication gets blocked completely, pressure builds up. Then when the words start flowing again, they tend to come out suddenly in a damaging raging flood and the lack of a full communication flow dries up the passion and love between them.
If your temper is aroused and you tell your spouse off verbally, you’ll have a fine time unloading your feelings. But what about your partner? Will he/she share your pleasure? Will your belligerent tones, your hostile attitude, make it easy for him/her to agree with you? Proverbs 15:1 says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."
Woodrow Wilson said, “If you come at me with your fists doubled, I think I can promise you that mine will double as fast as yours, but if you come to me and say, ‘Let us sit down and take counsel together,’ and, if we differ from each other, understand why it is that we differ, just what the points at issue are, we will presently find that we are not so far apart after all, that the points on which we differ are few and the points on which we agree are many, and that if we only have the patience and the candor and the desire to get together, we will act together.”
Words can destroy people. Words can cause people to give up in life. When we wound a person’s spirit we destroy their strength to overcome many obstacles. William F. Hill wrote, “Your marriage can be greatly helped by saying the right things, or greatly damaged by saying the wrong thing.”
Remember that other people may be totally wrong, but they don’t think so. Don’t condemn him/he. Any fool can do that. Try to understand him/her. Only wise, tolerant exceptional partner will try to do that. There is a reason why your spouse thinks and acts as he/she does. Ferret out that reason and you have the key to his/her actions, perhaps to his personality. Try honestly to put yourself in his/her place.
Have compassion for your spouse’s point of view. When you’re feeling angry, isolated, or worn out, it can be different to see beyond your own problems. Your needs aren’t being met, you feel you’re giving more than you’re getting, and you’re at the end of your rope. But what about your spouse? How does he or she feel? As difficult as can be to wrench your mind from your problems to someone else, this step is essential for better communication.
It takes some practice to change old communication mistakes. If you change to a pattern of being more generous and thoughtful toward your spouse, they’ll eventually say or do something as a response. It’s amazing how the energy between spouses can change so much with just a few changes. They might hold their comments back at first because they don’t know if this trend will stick. They may be waiting to see if this generosity is a gimmick or a set of new, positive habits. The more you act with generosity, the more you’ll naturally feel generous and loving toward your spouse and when your spouse sees that you are genuine and consistent with your efforts over time, your message will be clear. Let those selfish thoughts pass by and keep doing loving things for your spouse and have a successful marriage. When you understand how it all fits together, you can make real progress in your relationship right away. Generosity and considerate behaviors can go a long way toward nurturing a great marriage.