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Why Courtship is Necessary Before Marriage

Updated on July 17, 2014

The Importance of Courtship Before Marriage

Courtship is the period which an unmarried couple becomes personally and intimately acquainted with each other. It is during this period that the final decisions are made for or against the marriage. It is an interesting period because if the special friendship continues into marriage, the habits, customs and attitudes established during this period will set the pace for the type of relationship of later life. During the period of courtship, lovers should be able to decide on the advisability of their taking the solemn vows of marriage.

Prior to courtship, a young man and a young woman have attracted themselves, largely on the basis of casual observations and exterior appearances. Some might have admired each other secretly for a longer or shorter period, this admiration being based on chance meetings and casual conservations rather than on proper knowledge of each other’s personalities.

It is not uncommon for young couples to begin their courtship even before they are actually engaged to be married. In fact, it is desirable that their friendship should continue on the basis of a general understanding for a period of time before the young man actually proposes. The practice of young men marrying girls they rarely know well except for recommendations of relations is dangerous and should be discouraged.

Avoid becoming intimately involved with a potential partner until you get to know the person. Relationships can be clouded by physical intimacy too soon in the courtship. Experiencing an intense sexual attraction to a person can be enchanting, but it does not necessarily mean that the person is a good long time partner. Though sexual and compatibility are key to good long-term relationship, waiting allows you to gain a better understanding of whether you are compatible.

Ask questions when beginning a courtship. Deciding what you want to know about a potential partner, ethics, interests, spiritual outlook and even diet may all be important to your long term compatibility. You’ll need to consider questions in all areas of lifestyle choices. Does he/she smoke, drink, do drugs? Will he/she be a supportive and understanding person if you wish to better your career? If you want children, find out whether a potential partner wants to be a parent as well.

Be honest about who you are. During courtship, it may be tempting to appease the other person by manipulating the truth about your past or present situation in order to impress her. However, it is a strong risk of problems down the road. When the other person inevitably learns the truth, trust and understanding can be greatly diminished.

Examine how you act around a potential partner. If you find yourself being a fake or laughing at joke you don’t think is funny, you might be starting off on the wrong foot. If you are relaxed in the person’s presence, you might be on the right track.

The early part of courtship is a period in which there should be an experiencing and demonstration of common interests. The time spent together should be spent on formal and informal social occasions. It is advisable for the girl to see her fiancé in working clothes and for the young man to become accustomed to his fiancée in a kitchen apron. Reasonable emphasis should be placed on the practical everyday life. A courtship which is carried out while the young people live very far apart and see each other once in a blue moon is naturally artificial and risky. Practical setting for courtship is not possible in this circumstance. But where courtship is unavoidably artificial, the period of courtship should be prolonged more than those cases where it is possible for the lovers to develop their friendship in an everyday setting.

Spend time with a potential partner. To know if a relationship will work, it is essential to spend long periods of time in the other person’s company, under variety of circumstances. Bring the person to your social engagements, and introduce him to your friends and family. If he gets along well with your friends and family, you might be on the right track.

Every normal, serious-minded young boy or girl should be sure in advance that his/her choice of a life partner is a wise one and that he/she has exercised reasonable precautions in avoiding such a friendship that might endanger his/her happiness. As friendship develops, certain traits of character and factors of personality are likely to become apparent. Doubts may arise as to whether the friendship is an ideal one and the young person should at this time try to re-evaluate the friendship as impartially as possible.

Let go of expectations. During courtship, don’t expect the other person, to be, who he is not. Avoid constructing an illusion around a person, attributing to him/her qualities that he/she lacks. Don’t expect a partner to change who he/she is to appease you. Be mindful of enjoying his/her for who he/she is.

Although, it is unwise to terminate a friendship brashly, because some human traits have manifested, every human being possesses certain fault of personality. The question we need to ask ourselves however is if the unsuspected trait or fault of personality is of sufficient magnitude to interfere with the progress of the courtship. Sometimes anyway, a young person may be so alarmed by observing faults in the personality of the fiancé/fiancée that the friendship has been terminated. Many people in this vain search for the perfect husband or the perfect wife, allowed the opportunities for a desirable marriage to finally pass away.

As courtship progresses, there should be no deep, dark secrets of things which in any way may threaten the esteem of your partner. People who consider marriage need to learn to share their aspirations and dreams about who they want to become. They should express hopes about their future and exchange potential goals about what they hope to accomplish in marriage and in life. They should discuss such important issues as whether or not they want to be parents and how many children they would want to have. The willingness to share opinions is a mark of trust in your relationship and an important contribution toward a clear understanding of one another.

Make sacrifices to build your relationship. Nobody is perfect, and there are times when you may have to sublimate your own needs for the sake of the relationship. Marriage is selfless endeavor that requires continuous effort to grow.

  • Realize that relationship start off most times on a platonic note but requires work from both people. Life circumstances can put added pressure onto us and we need to make sure that the person we wish to spend our life with will be there through thick and thin.
  • Find out your interest, likes, dislikes, priorities, high values. It’s not possible to have exactly same with your proposed partner but ensure he/she at least respect and accept most of yours.
  • The key to a successful relationship is good communication and total honesty. Without that, you have nothing.

Absolute trust and fidelity should be maintained. Courtship, however, is final step toward marriage and therefore constitutes the most important preparation for marriage.


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    • Chuksm profile imageAUTHOR

      Anthony Modungwo 

      4 years ago from Benin

      dashingscorpio You have contributed meaningfully again. I share the same views with you. Thanks for the encouragement. I will always want to read your comments. Cheers.

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      4 years ago

      Very true! Voted up and useful!

      Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse. The only way to make the "right" choice when it comes to a mate for life is to invest (time) in getting to know them real well to see if you share the same values, want the same things for the marriage, naturally agree on how to obtain those things, and last but not least acknowledge a mutual love and desire for one another.

      Never separate your mind from your heart when making relationship decisions. The purpose of the mind is to protect the heart.


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