ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel
  • »
  • Gender and Relationships»
  • Marriage

The Journey to the Woman I am Today............Part III

Updated on August 25, 2016
fpherj48 profile image

From Upstate NY, Paula shares life & career experiences, w/ all the crazy, wonderful & varied results of our trek to be all that we can be.

"POOF!"  You're a Princess!"
"POOF!" You're a Princess!"
The Fairest of them all
The Fairest of them all

Sometimes we need to go Backward....just a bit.

Part II of my story as you may recall, closed sadly with the sudden and untimely death of my precious father, in August of 1972.

I must ask that you bear with me as I digress in an effort to expose portions of my life to you that I need for you to know.

I suppose when you're on a journey, backing up a little is acceptable. We won't get lost. I promise to bring us back to the right location......and many miles beyond.

The wonderful Fairy Tales read to us as children, take us to magical places and sprinkle silver flecks of Fairy Dust upon us........and "POOF!" we are the most lovely and fairest Princess in all the Kingdom. A tall and handsome Prince is ever there to discover us and swoop us off into a dream of pure love and sheer ecstasy, forevermore.

Alas, we must grow older and wiser to step out from our dreamland and Fairy Tales, for surely they are utter and complete Fantasy. Or maybe not? Perhaps it can happen, for all things are possible, are they not? Trust me my friend and listen carefully....... It happened to me.

Yes, it's true. I would not lie to you. My perfect Prince appeared before me out of nowhere, the envy of Adonis. To my young heart and innocent mind, the Universe had graced me with the spark of eternal love and joy. Beyond smitten, total adoration, consumed my world.

As if that were not blessing enough, this sweet and loving gentle man, five years my senior, found me captivating and sought to make our lives one glorious world. You may not persuade me to scoff at Fairy Tales. I would not hear you for a moment.

From star-dazed woman-child, to wife and mother, my feet had ceased to touch the ground. Our life was far too perfect.......dangerously so. I wondered often, how it seemed so real to be of the earth living typical lives, when surely our world existed in a Magical Paradise.

Safe and Loved and the arms of my Prince
Safe and Loved and the arms of my Prince
Proud Daddy and Son
Proud Daddy and Son

His name was Frederick and we met on the first of April, just 2 days prior to his 24th. birthday and nine days before my 19th. Two young Aries, immediately attracted, with a fiercly powerful magnetic force at work.

We married soon afterward and bought our home, prepared to love and nurture one another through every moment of the next eighty years. We welcomed a sweet and healthy baby son in 1968 with his brother to follow in 1970. We marveled at their beauty and fell madly in love with the two perfect symbols of our incredible bond.

Grandfather and Grandmother on both sides, thrilled beyond words and bursting with pride, doted on their babies, as only grandparents can. Thus far my Fairy Tale continued to play out.

calling it a night.
calling it a night.
January snow and ice
January snow and ice

The Stroke of Midnight

Youth has a way of shielding us from the hard core facts of Reality. The rose-colored glasses and illusions of perfection, shade all thoughts of danger and visions of fright. In order to sing and dance, we must hear the lovely music. To float on the clouds, we are first, swept off our feet.

This can be for a while but not for a lifetime. Only fools remain blind or ignore the truth. In time, we awaken and see the light. Vision is cleared and hopes are dashed.

The portion of time we exist on this earth, the length and the depth of our story while here, is a mystery to all, with exemption for none.

Not for a moment could we have expected, as we attended the wedding of friends, as their new union was about to begin, another would end.

A friend of my husband's was finally being married after years of being called, "the bachelor," of the group of buddies who hunted and fished together since their teens. He wasn't really all that old, but remember, in the '60's, people got married much younger than they do today. Can't imagine why that was. It just was.

All of the couples who socialized together on a regular basis, would be at this wedding with bells on (no pun intended). As I recall, it was a nice wedding, nothing outlandish, but we had a great time.....even those of us who remained sober. Word had spread toward the end of the evening, we'd all meet up at Dan and Natalie's for coffee and danish, before heading to our respective homes.

So, there we were, the die-hards who couldn't bear to see a party end until we decided it was over. Coffee, tea and cocoa sounded like the best way to say, "Good Night," to one another.

It was pretty damned cold on this January night. The snow crunched beneath our feet and there were ice patches here and there.

My husband was showing the effects of a few too many beers, besides the fact that he'd worked Friday night shift, and had no sleep before we were on our way to the wedding. I asked for the car keys so I could drive, and he mumbled something and walked outside. I said my Good-byes to our friends, slipped on my coat and boots and headed out to the car......which was gone......husband and all.

The husbands thought this was hysterically funny....the wives were disgruntled as I was. Two of the women, my dear friends, voluntered to drive me home and off we went.

About twenty minutes down Route 5, in the distance, we could see a number of emergency vehicles, police and ambulance, lights flashing, people moving about, directing traffic. To my left I spotted the vehicle, in a field, against an enormous tree. I screamed from the depths of my soul, "It's Fred! that's his car......stop! let me out!!" Natalie beat me out of the car and up to the man re-directing the traffic in the middle of the highway. I heard her scream and fall to her knees and in that instant, I tore into a rapid run, my head near bursting wide open with panic.

That is when two tall and muscular images engulfed me and held me......struggled to hold me, as I screamed and wrestled, punched and pushed. I was much bigger now, than the tiny child, once held in panic of restraint.... being kept from her Daddy.......but the memory loomed larger and clearer than I could endure. I heard words from one of these giants whose arms held me captive, "He's gone, Maam, I'm sorry, please, Maam, please."

The earth opened it's jaws, cold, cruel and wide beneath my feet..... without mercy, without a sound, swallowed me whole to it's deepest and ugliest depth.

On January 9th, 1971, my world stopped turning, life became empty and I knew that there simply would be no light, ever again.

My Dad put his all into being at our side. Hoping in some small way, he could seem a father image to the boys and a helping hand to me......a shoulder to lean on ....and an ear to listen.

I looked like a person and functioned appropriately, caring for my sons and keeping their environment clean and safe. I hope it wasn't obvious to them that Mommy was a robot, with only steel gadgets and wires within, where her humaness once was.

Yes, the gift of my father's attention and love for the boys and I, helped in small ways to keep the seams together for a period of time........for eighteen months, to be precise.....for that is when we lost him too.


Links to Parts I and II and IV

Please see link to part IV......and final part to my series. Wishing you Peace and Love.


Submit a Comment

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 22 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Jo.......There you are stranger!! Thanks so much for visiting. I'm pleased you chose to read my story. It took me years of soul searching to come to the realization I needed to set my haunted soul least a little.

    Hoping all is well with you and your week-end brings you smiles! Paula

  • Jo_Goldsmith11 profile image

    Jo_Goldsmith11 22 months ago

    I really am in awe of you Ms. Paula. I cheer with you and hurt with you as you share your story. It is so full of strength, persistence. You write this so perfectly in sharing every facet of emotion in a way that so many can relate. Looking forward to reading from the beginning and catching up. Awesome! Blessings & hugs! ((((((((((( fpherj48 ))))))))))))

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 2 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    My Dad was the most amazing human being I've ever known in my life...or will ever. I miss him every day of my life~~along with several others.

  • shanmarie profile image

    shanmarie 2 years ago

    Well, I'd say you're pretty damn amazing and there's most definitely life within you. Your daddy did well to instill that enjoyment of humor.

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 2 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    I wouldn't be so bold as to say "I've found my serenity and joy," Shannon, but the desire to survive in some sort of sanity is an instinctive need and I'm in a daily struggle for my share.

    We learn to do what we have to do, when how and why. That's the real story of this life of ours.............

  • shanmarie profile image

    shanmarie 2 years ago

    Oh, this part of your story breaks my heart. But I am so glad that you have found your serenity and joy. These stories of lives that everyone has, they move me and inspire me. Mostly because I am just now feeling confident enough and able to use my own experiences as well as what others have taught me to do the same for others when they opportunity presents itself.

    Did that tragedy trigger the childhood memory or did the me make it harder, if you don't mind my asking and know what I mean?

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    No one has ever been able to answer that to the satisfaction of anyone. Least of all to me.....Yes, almost to the day. I start my annual count down right about tomorrow.....Friday, I'm not even here on the Earth. Not sure where I go but I go "elsewhere."

  • profile image

    DJ Anderson 3 years ago

    Forty four years, almost to the day.............

    I have read this before, but it is simply too much to think about losing

    the love of your life. And, you with two small children - it breaks my heart. Why must there be so much tragedy in this world?

    Stay warm Ms. Pheiffer.

    Love and hugs,


  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Yes, Linda Sue....I'd like to believe had I been in the car, I'd have been driving....? But your words are so profound, "how some things happen, we'll never know why....."

  • Sunshine625 profile image

    Linda Bilyeu 5 years ago from Orlando, FL

    So ironic how some things happen and we'll never know why they happen the way they do. Such as you not being in the car.

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    suzette.....Thank you for your very sweet and comforting words.....This was, as you can see, a lifetime ago. The jury is still out, honey, as to how I fared through it all. I am sure I nurse my own share of doubts and fears.

    I believe it is an honor, for all of here at HP, to know and respect one's a wonderful crowd we have here, because of special people like you.

  • suzettenaples profile image

    Suzette Walker 5 years ago from Taos, NM

    Wow! I just got to this. I am in amazement. This is so touching and real. I cannot believe how you would go on after this, but it is obvious that you did and are so well today. I admire you and your fortitude in this type of situation. My heart goes out to you at this point in your life - you are so strong, vital and healthy today. I am glad to see you have survived this nightmare. Life can go on. I am glad you had the boys to at least force you to robotically go on - you had to provide and be there for them so thank God they were in your life at the time. They probably saved you - and also your Dad. So sad to hear he also passed away shortly also. I don't know what to say other than it is an honor to know you here on HP. God Bless You!

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Yes, lyn...losing the love of your life is the hardest thing we face and have to learn to carry with us forever. And, no, life is not fair....I don't think it is designed to be that way. It is a journey, with a mixture of trials and tragedies, happiness and soul-nurturing...and always a gain or a loss around the bend......Only when we complete each chapter, can we know how we have changed and grown or despaired and fallen.

    Despairing is not an option............Thank you for reading.....Peace

  • craiglyn profile image

    Lynda 5 years ago from Ontario, Canada

    Oh Paula - it is just too sad; my body is tingling with emotion and I just can't imagine how you survived such a horrific event. I know how hard it is to lose that love of your life; but your Frederick was way too young - where is the fairness in all of this? We find out don't we that life is not always fair and we don't get a chance to choose the outcome. My heart is with you as I am going on to read Journey lV. Hugs!!!

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Thank you, Mr. Happy. We just never know what's around that corner, do we? But as we live and go forward, corners are unavoidable.

  • Mr. Happy profile image

    Mr. Happy 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

    "for eighteen months, to be precise.....for that is when we lost him too." - Sometimes when it rains, it pours ... I do believe there is always Sunshine after the rain though.

    This was a truly moving piece of writing. Thank You for sharing your story. I am sure many people will be able to learn from your experience.

    All the best!

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Maria, my sweet friend......Yes, we do go on, somehow. What else is there to do...where else is there to go....that allows us to continue learning and loving and sharing our gifts with one another?

    Do not toss away what life teaches us, never give up....the struggle up the mountain is too vital to return the bottom. Starting over again may be valiant,but to continue on, in spite of deep wounds, is Victorious. Hugs and Peace..........Paula

  • marcoujor profile image

    Maria Jordan 5 years ago from Jeffersonville PA


    I send you a hug as I learn even more...I cry at what you endured but smile at the beauty you are today. And somehow, we do go on...

    Love you and your strength, Maria

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    And I am truly sorry for yours, dear lady. We all suffer tragedy now and then....some more so than others. Such is life......We don't control it, sadly.

  • bac2basics profile image

    Anne 5 years ago from Spain

    Oh Effer..the more I read your life story the more I see how much we have in common. losing you husband and love of your life is beyond heartbreaking, I know. Then to loose your lovely Dad suddenly too..sometimes I wonder just how much we can take in one lifetime. Again, I am so deeply sorry for your losses.

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    La Thing.....Thank you my dear person, for your tears of heart is saddedned for you, as well.......It never gets easy. I tell you this out of the necessity for truth.

    If you're waiting for it to be less painful, stop. Save your effort to treasure your memories and honor your lost loved ones by living and loving as they did.

    In this way, we keep them here with us and share their beauty with the world................Peace

  • LaThing profile image

    LaThing 5 years ago from From a World Within, USA

    Oh Paula, I am in tears..... I didn't want to read till the end... Saw it coming! Had to read it though.

    You are a strong woman, and a great role model for so many of us. I lost my father few years back, then my only brother, and I still have hard time talking about it.

    Hugs, and a beautiful story.

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Oh Lord.....You can see my face and one day you may read my book......but never the two shall meet at the corner of Facebook and Vine!

    loud woman?.......I think not, Lord. "VOCAL" perhaps......but only in whispers................

    let me whisper for you, the sound of understanding for your own difficult times......It is good you've come through to the light.

  • Lord De Cross profile image

    Joseph De Cross 5 years ago from New York

    We as writers have a tale to tell. I agree with our hub friends. Paula! You have given birth to the love of your lives and they kept you going. I'm just dragging the words to write. I have gone to difficult times, and it has been shared as well. You keep writing as much as you want. We knew Effer, the loud woman was a charming soul. Darn it! Where is your Facebook account?


  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Til....I am literally numb with gratitude by your words of compassion. Please know that your own inner beauty exposes a woman of powerful grace..........I thank you.........

  • tillsontitan profile image

    Mary Craig 5 years ago from New York

    There is no way to put into words the emotions I am feeling right now. You, my dear friend, have suffered many tragic losses and yet, through the ashes the phoenix arises! Reborn from your own ashes.

    You are an incredible woman, stronger and more beautiful than you can know...

    Voted all the way across and SHARING with my followers.

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York're very sweet and I appreciate your emotions. I am relieved to know that I was able to convey what is in my heart....rather than leave questions in my reader's mind. Thank you so much.

  • TheLastBabyBoomer profile image

    Deborah Turner 5 years ago from Surprise Arizona

    Dear Paula,

    You have broken my heart. Your words convey so eloquently the emotions that you have been through, and provide a tribute to a true love everlasting still living on today. As a reader you have taken me from first memories, to laughter, to heartache. I am so sorry for your loss, even today. Years cannot separate the distance between two hearts. I am glad that you had your Fairy Tale, and I am sad that it ended suddenly so soon.

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Thanks Coge. I'm glad you were able to read the series. Highs and lows.....that's the way life goes, huh? Live and learn, love and lose....and it goes on and on. To expect anything else is setting ourself up for some pretty stunning disappointments...........Peace

  • Cogerson profile image

    UltimateMovieRankings 5 years ago from Virginia

    Bravo bravo .....sorry that you had to experience this loss. You have written a truly great hub series. Reading your hub is like riding a it has highs and lows. But taking a line from a is much more fun riding a rollercoaster than a merry go round because all a merry go round does is go around. Voted up and awesome.

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 6 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Pamela....I'm honored you've read my story. I went through a myriad of emotions using a 4-hub series to bring out the points that I felt mattered the terms of who I am today.

    We humans share so many things....our lives intertwine and so very much can be related to. Thank you so much, Pamela..

  • Victoria Lynn profile image

    Victoria Lynn 6 years ago from Arkansas, USA

    Oh, my. I still have chills. How stunned you must have all been. How could you go on? Oh, gosh. I don't even know what to say. That was painful to read but I'm glad you can share it. Gosh, gosh. I'm moving on to chapter 4. I can't end it like this. Wow. You wrote it well. I can say that for sure!

  • Pamela99 profile image

    Pamela Oglesby 6 years ago from United States

    I am so touched about your horrible tragedy and I can't imagine how tough life was for you at this time. To lose your husband, then your father makes me understand how you would have had to live a robotic type of lie until you were ready to cope with the reality of the situation. I'm so sorry this happened to you. You have such a beautiful way of expressing your life story that is truly unique.

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 6 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Thank you so much Nell......I know you've been through your share of horror and I realize we share the experience of emotional storms.......I caught your hug from across the pond.....luckily I did not fall in....I didn't have my swimmies on!! Peace and love to you!

  • Nell Rose profile image

    Nell Rose 6 years ago from England

    I am stunned and so saddened at what happened. that must have been, well I was going to say horrific, but there are no words to explain that situation. I do totally understand the robotic feelings or lack of, having been there myself under different circumstances, to lose two people within months is beyond any nightmare, I know that too, my dad died a few months before my mum, your writing is a good way of finally trying to put it to rest, I hope it helps you, and as Martie says keep writing, because I know I will keep reading, throwing a hug across the pond, nell

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 6 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Oh Martie....can you feel a big, warm, happy hug right now?? NO?....well, let me squeeze harder!!!!

  • MartieCoetser profile image

    Martie Coetser 6 years ago from South Africa

    Don't cut it short - write everything you have to write about your journey. Even if you try your best to tire us, you will not succeed. You have an amazing, captivating style of writing.

    Yes, I know all about 'almost did not make it'. I always use Jesus' crucifixion as a metaphor for the end of the phases of our lives. We die, we descend to hell and eventually, if we had the stamina to endure the flames of hell, we ascend to the next phase.

    I am so glad you are HERE, Paula. A Friend like you in cyberspace enrich my soul and strengthen my guts :)

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 6 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Oh, Martie....I wouldn't even think of trying to convince you "it was easy." There is nothing at all easy about attempting to be a living, breathing human being, when the fact is, you are the mere, empty shell of a former woman.

    This all but completely destroyed my entire being....body, heart, spirit, mind. It was the most difficult crawl of my tiny move at a time...attempting, if only for my babies, to reconnect the shattered pieces and resurrect a dead woman.

    I faltered and failed miserably numerous times. The truth is, I nearly didn't make it. friend...ultimately I DID...and here I am.

    I believe Part IV will be the finale.....for I do not feel I should drag this out and tire my readers......Peace!

  • MartieCoetser profile image

    Martie Coetser 6 years ago from South Africa

    So true, Paula. But on that specific moment your entire world collapsed - You were obliged to build a new life with what was left, broken and not broken. Of course you would have built it with the vengeance of a typical Aries who will not even allow the devil himself to knock her out, but don't you try to convince me that it was easy. It takes a lot of courage, determination, endurance and gallons of tears - shed or not shed - to build a new life big enough to accommodate all your beloveds.

    I look forward to the next chapter. And again, your writing style is absolutely engrossing.

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 6 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Vinaya....thank you for such a nice compliment. This means a lot to me. There will be only one more....and I'm honored you have read the 3 thus far.

  • Vinaya Ghimire profile image

    Vinaya Ghimire 6 years ago from Nepal

    I generally consider autobiography as a dull writing, but in your autobiography, you engage the readers.

    I have read all three parts so far, looking forward to read the other parts.

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 6 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Wipe your tears, dear Aries sister....I have survived all these years and have had many wonderful gifts and blessings as well as the pain and grief.....we all do, don't we? Aren't we all on the same Ferris Wheel? We go up for the thrill and down with the chill.....and around and around we continue.....Peace & love to you, friend.

  • MartieCoetser profile image

    Martie Coetser 6 years ago from South Africa

    Ohhhh, I am crying my heart out~!

    I am totally stunned... speechless!

    Excellent writing, is all I can say...

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 6 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Happyboomer....Oh my dear friend, how well I know the dance.....every step of "skirting around" the the source of our inner torture...."If I don't think about it...don't talk about it...just keep will all go away...." The human mind is bends and bows in ways we could never imagine....a little focus, a transmission of demands and we own our own mind...lock stock and brain cell. Bless you, boomer nurse...our souls have indelible scars.

  • Happyboomernurse profile image

    Gail Sobotkin 6 years ago from South Carolina

    My heart goes out to you and to the young woman you were when your husband was so brutally and abruptly taken from you and your small sons.

    I know the inconsolable weeping of a young heart. I lost my first love to cancer. He was 21 and I was 18 and though his death was slow and painful, it was still a shock when he was actually gone.

    That was 42 years ago and I've never been able to fully write about that time period. I "skirt" around it in hubs and comments but have never been able to capture the essence of the amazing young man that he was before cancer took his life.

    I thank you for sharing your story which is so deeply touching the hearts of all who read it. I look forward to reading more of your memoir as it is obvious that even though you spent many mechanical, robotic life years, you are an amazing woman who has much to say about love, life, death and the powerful impact that family has on us, both in good times and bad.

    Voted up across the board except for funny.

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 6 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Ruchira....Children are everything to us and we mothers cannot truly grasp the incredible impact we have on our children and they have on us, as well, until our paths part as they go off into the world. Thank you for your kind words.

  • Ruchira profile image

    Ruchira 6 years ago from United States

    Paula, I am sorry about your loss. You are a strong woman and I wish you the best in the life to come. I am sure your children are your biggest assets and you must be so proud of their achievements 'cause you have played a MAJOR role in their upbringing.

    Wishing you peace and joy my friend! Hugs!!

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 6 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Oh Dexter, my buddy....I know that "loss for words" place and so...I also understand it. Often, that silence says more than a thousand words....I feel your hug.

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 6 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    rahul...I truly do feel the emotion you are sharing and it warms my heart just to know a sweet and compassionate man as you.

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 6 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    KT Banks....I feel your pain of losing your Dad at such a young and impressionable age....and I surely understand how you continue to miss him.

    We need to tell our children the stories of the grandparent they were not fortunate enough to meet....they can know them through us. Peace.

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 6 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Jaye....For years I could not "feel." Other than my enormous love and devotion to my boys, I was fairly useless. To make matters worse, I shut most of the world out. I had nothing to say.

    Some expressed concern for me, saying they no longer knew me...for I was "different." I would smile and say, It's OK...don't worry...I don't know me either."

    I so appreciate your beautiful response, was 40 years ago...and this is the first I've found the will to purge the contents of my print.

    Surely I have lived a life...a nice enough life..for I am aware that many others have survived and over come far worse....I'm merely one tiny dot in this Universe.

  • Dexter Yarbrough profile image

    Dexter Yarbrough 6 years ago from United States

    Hi Fpher. It is unusual for me to be at a loss for words. So I will leave it at that. Blessings to you.

  • rahul0324 profile image

    Jessee R 6 years ago from Gurgaon, India

    I am at a loss of words... can do nothing but say a few words and mourn over your tragic loss.!!!

    Such events rattle the cages of man.. and women... I can only accolade the way you came come off in time though .. in time

  • KT Banks profile image

    KT Banks 6 years ago from Texas

    I lost my Dad in 1973. I was 12, almost 13. I still miss him, and wish my husband and our 3 sons had a chance to know him, and for him to know them.

  • JayeWisdom profile image

    Jaye Denman 6 years ago from Deep South, USA

    Words fail me, and you know that doesn't often happen.I sit here wiping away tears as emotion evoked by your revelation engulfs me.


    Had to wait a bit and catch my breath, both literally and figuratively....

    This powerful narrative of your beloved husband's sudden death was unexpected and shocking, a real-life example that truth can surpass fiction, and it left me reeling.

    As I read, I imagined how totally bereft you must have been. I recognize that robotic sensation you described and believe that simply putting one foot in front of the other day after day allows us to live through unspeakable tragedy until the balm of healing begins.

    Even now, decades later, you probably summon up the gut-wrenching feelings you experienced at the moment you realized his loss. The memories may be softened by time, but never go away. You are very brave to face this heart-rending chapter in your life and write about it, even now. My admiration for you--already strong--grows.



  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 6 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    KT Banks:

    Your reaction is familiar. Tragedies are not the stuff we learn to glide through. It's always difficult to think of words. Yet, somehow, empathy pours forth without many words. Thank you for reading my story.


    It simply must be time.....the right time...for me to release my tale...I must be worn and weary for keeping it so neatly tucked away for far too long. I know of no other persuasion to bring me to this place. I feel safe to have brought it to the right people, at this time.

  • teaches12345 profile image

    Dianna Mendez 6 years ago

    I am sorry for the loss of such wonderful people in your life. I have felt that robotic stage during such extreme situations. You just want to fall away. You have my prayers for healing through this journey. I hope it has helped you some to write this out. It is so personal but I believe it will also help others who may also be hurting.

  • KT Banks profile image

    KT Banks 6 years ago from Texas

    I wanted to let you know that I voted up and across, but I don't think I have the right words to say about reading this, right now, except, thanks for sharing such a story. It is written so beautifully.

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 6 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    I know this was part of my life that you had already been privy to, via our virtual firendship, but I thank you for reading and sharing my emotional journey.

    We are ALL "quite the women," when it becomes necessary to survive and give our children a life. You're no stranger to this yourself.

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 6 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    writer20...."OK" is a good word for me. The revelation to me and what should be for all that "OK," may not be preferred, but when it's all you have, you embrace it.

  • Sunshine625 profile image

    Linda Bilyeu 6 years ago from Orlando, FL

    I actually read III before I read II. I cheated, well I always do things backwards, even when I walk!

    I felt so sad for you the way your lost your prince. My heart was sad for you while reading this tribute. You are quite the woman! xo

  • writer20 profile image

    Joyce Haragsim 6 years ago from Southern Nevada

    This is such a sad story. I hope you're doing okay because writing this brought back memories.

    Vote up awesome and interesting, Joyce.

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 6 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    bill and Bobbi

    I couldn't ask for kinder words from any two nicer people. I do understand what you're feeling for me..and appreciate your hugs and understanding.

    I haven't decided yet if this has taken a huge amount of strength....or I feel so safe amongst my incredibly wonderful HubFriends.....Thank you for being the first here to extend your hands.

  • PurvisBobbi44 profile image

    PurvisBobbi44 6 years ago from Florida

    It is difficult to write with tears in one's eyes. You sweet child, I am so sorry this happened to you.

    Two loves shortly gone, my heart aches for that young woman whose journey was filled with sorrow and pain.

    But you had your sweet Angel sons to help the sunshine a little brighter and make the days a little shorter of being alone.

    I wait for the next part, but I leave a prayer for the young wife, daughter and mother---sweet blessing now on you.

    Your Hub Friend,


  • billybuc profile image

    Bill Holland 6 years ago from Olympia, WA

    I am so familiar with the robotic way of life after such a tragedy. I remember it all too well, Paula, and hopefully I will never return to it. Over the years it has become painfully obvious to me that to do anything other than feel the entire spectrum of grief is to sentence myself to a living death. I won't return there ever again.

    Please, I am simply expressing my reactions...not talking about you or this hub. I admire you greatly...I think you know that...and I admire the strength you have summoned to finally write these words of yours.

    I'm sending you a hug of friendship.



This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: ""

Show Details
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)